Problems with the approach.

[Liza Red]

Um where do I start...

I am having massive problems with approaching guys. It happened to me today.

I saw this pretty guy at the convience store. All of a sudden I got into a panic and my heart went above the 80% heart beat rate lol. When I went to approach him, something blocked in my head. Call it a "choke" if you will.

The only positives were that I maintained eye contact rather than shying away and that I knew what to say. Too bad he was too busy with his ipod.

I feel like I just need to break this annoying psychic barrier that prevents me from saying 'Hi'. What do I need to do? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one on the planet that can't get a boyfriend.

Man I sometimes feel that death is better than doing this. Arrgh.

[Aleksander Krstic]

I'm not into guys, but you're certainly not alone. I too have a great problem talking with the opposite sex and it sucks. Like you I also think sometimes that I'm the only one who can't get a girlfriend.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Liza Red

...
I feel like I just need to break this annoying psychic barrier that prevents me from saying 'Hi'. What do I need to do? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one on the planet that can't get a boyfriend.
...

What is happening is that your mind is afraid of you doing stupid things. It is not stupid but your mind doesn't know that. It wants to keep you safe.

So, what to do? Say "thank you mind, for caring, but I'm gonna do it anyway". Then go to the guy and focus on him and not yourself. What does his energy tell you? Say hi! Give him a compliment, like: 'I love your shirt' or his hair or whatever comes up. Smile. Maybe he's shy, maybe he doesn't want contact. More probable is he will smile too and say 'thanks!'. Before you know it you'll have a conversation going.

Don't expect too much, just show interest in him. Maybe he is your future life partner, maybe a friend, maybe you'll never see him again.

Make it a game for yourself. Approach at least 3 guys every day! After a while your mind will detect you're not going to die .

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by Liza Red

Man I sometimes feel that death is better than doing this. Arrgh.

"Haha", he laughed kindly and spoke:

"One thing and only one thing will cure of this ailment. It is called exposure and often used in fear therapy. What can you do that doesn't cause a complete panic but gets you close? Is it making eye contact with a guy? Ok, good. Do that five-ten times a day. After a few days of doing this, making eye contact will barely get your body in a huff. Then, for the next few days try smiling at them. When you get used to that, move up to saying Hi or talking to them.

"People think that you simply get habituated to the fear, but that's not what happens. You learn that your personality is greater than your fear. Keep doing this and keep beating your fears and eventually your personality will grow so much that when you say, 'no', societies will stop, like Ghandi or Martin Luther King, Jr."

"There is also little difference between body states and our mental labels for them. Read here: Your Emotions and How You Think About Them | Mind-Manual "

[MillenniumMike]

This a tried and true method is the 3 second rule, when you see the guy you are going to approach, you have to approach in 3 seconds or you will freeze yourself out by over thinking.

[Cameron Teone]

Liza Red,

Um where do I start...

I am having massive problems with approaching guys. It happened to me today.

I saw this pretty guy at the convience store. All of a sudden I got into a panic and my heart went above the 80% heart beat rate lol. When I went to approach him, something blocked in my head. Call it a "choke" if you will.

The only positives were that I maintained eye contact rather than shying away and that I knew what to say. Too bad he was too busy with his ipod.

I feel like I just need to break this annoying psychic barrier that prevents me from saying 'Hi'. What do I need to do? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one on the planet that can't get a boyfriend.

Man I sometimes feel that death is better than doing this. Arrgh.

Liza, why don't you start with the simple stuff. Do what most attractive girls:

Hold eye contact for an extra second and smile. Believe me, any guy who knows what he is doing will get it. (Even some who don't will get it.)

A sincere compliment also works, (something he is wearing that you like, etc.)

Also, asking a simple question from an area where a "Guy" would be an expert works. ;-) Like if you are in that store, and happen to be standing next to the nutrition bars and the guy looks like he works out and is fit, then ask him which one he'd recommend.

If he is an obese slob, you probably don't want to do that. Maybe ask him what's favrorite candy?? OK, enough of that.

Don't look at as "Approaching" a guy. More like having fun with someone you may want to get to know better. That's it.

Take care
Cameron

[Liza Red]

Thanks guys for the help.

I have analyzed my own situations and believe my main problem is getting the jitters right when I see someone that's attractive.

I have improved though. I can look them in the eye and I don't get nausea anymore.

I believe the term is called "love panic"

Does anybody know of any websites that have informatoin on this sort of thing - to combat this?

[Alexjstrandberg]

It gets easier over time, trust me. There are two things that will compound the anxiety and further your stress over approaching:

1. Trying to be perfect

2. Not try and make a fool of yourself

Most people dread feeling embarrassed and try to put on a "perfection" act in order to try and hide what they feel on the inside. In social situations they will cross their fingers hoping that they don't mess it up.

A way to get around this and get very very comfortable approaching random people is to go out with the intention of embarrassing yourself. Talk to a guy normally for a minute and then pick your nose. Go out with the most ridiculous outfit you can think of that will cause you to get red in your face.

Do this until you no longer care about how you look in the eyes of others. One lesson you will learn is that there are no consequences to "screwing" things up. Our minds create worst case scenarios in situations like this. "If I screw this up or make a fool of myself then this will happen" "or that will happen". Going through your fears will put your mind on the sidelines for a while and help you realize two things:

1. There are no consequences

2. You CAN handle anything. You could get laughed at in front of an entire group of people and it won't bother you. You could accidentally fall down while talking to the guy and it won't matter.

We are born as social creatures. Our species thrived because of our ability to come together and help one another out in packs. Fear of embarrassing yourself and running the risk of getting kicked out of the pack in ingrained in all of us. The key is work on ridding yourself of this instinctual drive and learn that there are no consequences.

[outback]

me have trouble with girls all my life anyway you keep living life anywhere it take you maybe have a laugh about it if you feel shy relaxed stay calm just think in 100 years who will care if made a fool yourself so enjoy life it better than home all day