Be just her friend ?

[Neblasian]

Hi

I (26) met this girl (20) a couple of months ago. We started out as mutual friends but later she admitted she was attracted to me. There was no chance for intimacy because she had her finals and we live fairly far apart. She and I got into a slight disagreement right before my 3 week trip to the USA. One night we were talking on the phone and she said something which I interpreted as something else. I told her this and she asked me what I thought she had said. I refused to let her know. She made this a big deal. On the night before my trip I visited her and she acts like she doesn't wants to see me. Her reason was, I gave her too much stress (what ?). I conviently calls her, she says. Why didn't I call her yesterday. I am too miserable. Blah blah blah. The next day she calls me about 4 or 5 times from work. She tells me right before I left she has something to tell me that is external from me and I can decide if I want to still be her friend. I am back home for about a week now and we talk almost everyday on the phone. She told me again we have to talk but never makes the attempt to. I guess that she's probally dating someone. I am not her bf but she should at least let me know. Today I told her to tell me what she wanted to say she said she will when she gets home from school. As I anticipated she didn't call.

Well I don't like people wasting my time or carrying me around the world so
i decided tommorow to gave her the ultimatum. " Call me when your willing to talk."

I am willing to accept everything she'll say. The problem however. is her. She gets upset very quickly and since I will tell her she wouldn't be hearing me so often if she's seeing someone, will further agrevate this weakness.

My question is, Is it possible to act with integrity without cutting her off. I mean my first reaction will be to dismiss her but this would be acting out of disappointment. I just want to do the right thing be firm yet understanding.

[Colm OReilly]

Neblasian,

Overall it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. She is aloof with you and you've allowed her to continue her bad behaviour by not punishing her when she held back from speaking to you.

You say the problem is her. It's not, it's you. Simple as that.

By allowing her to act immature (and it seems that way) you're not helping her grow, or adding much value to her life in that respects - I'm not saying there aren't other ways that aren't necessary for this tale.

Lots of love,
Colm

[Dimitry]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

Neblasian,

Overall it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. She is aloof with you and you've allowed her to continue her bad behaviour by not punishing her when she held back from speaking to you.

You say the problem is her. It's not, it's you. Simple as that.

By allowing her to act immature (and it seems that way) you're not helping her grow, or adding much value to her life in that respects - I'm not saying there aren't other ways that aren't necessary for this tale.

Lots of love,
Colm

That's a fantastic way of putting it and I'm glad you said it. I fight with myself all the time on this issue. On one hand I just want peace and serenity but on the other I also want to let people know when they do something that's wrong (especially if it affects me somehow).

Sometimes it's a tough choice trying to balance both goals.

[Neblasian]

thanx guys seem like some very good advice. I think I have to have to find the line between courage and consideration (Steven Covey). Is there any specific way how I can communicate my disapproval without being harsh.

[Lynn 007]

Neblasian

Just my opinion:

You mentioned in your post "Well I don't like people wasting my time or carrying me around the world so i decided tommorow to gave her the ultimatum. " Call me when your willing to talk."

I think that's your best bet. Give her a call asking her to call you at home when she wants to talk BUT do not get in touch with call her again after that call.

It appears she may be playing with you and actually "testing" you to see if you're worthy of her. There is a good chance she may get in touch with you by other means so you can chase her. If she e-mails, txt msg or calls you at work, ask her if she can call you at home (if that was your original message).

Once she does call be polite but get to the point of the converation. Remember she's calling you because she's ready to talk. If she does have a b/f tell her you hope she's happy and truly mean it and move on. Let her know If things don't work out she has your number.

I think this approach you are asking for and deserving of her respect.

The next time you see her you can hold you head high and be proud of the fact you didn't get caught up in the game of I've got a secret.

Good Luck
Lynn

[Cron]

It sounds like you are in a good spot.....that you aren't emotionally attached to her. Leave her message, asking her to call you when she is ready to talk. In the meantime go on with your life and forget about her.

[Neblasian]

She called me tonight. Started a completely different conversation. I stood there calm. Then I interupted and ask her what she wanted to talk about. She got all emotional and fiesty saying she thought I would have called her yesterday, she's tired of playing robot (emphasizing that if she says she's going to call me I don't call her). A ridiculous argument she often brings up. My cell rings. She responded, that's probally your new chick. I didn't respond. It was someone outside to see me. I told her this, and that I will call her later. I didn't return her call, not even to give her the ultimatum.

My instinct tells me she's probally talking to her ex. She will contact me in a couple of days, trying to see if I will call her. By that time I will probally forget about she, her ex and whatever she wanted to talk about. I will still remain friendly and polite towards her though. So therefore I'm moving on.

[Dimitry]

Seems like the best thing to happen for both people if for you to walk away and not invest any more into this situation. Chances are it'll only get worse and not better from here on.

I don't know how well you know the girl but from what I would assume, something siginificant enough happened in her life to cause her to react to things this way. What you are seeing right now is these emotional issues surface when she doesn't feel in control of the situation. That or she's just immature still (or a combination of both).

So like I said, move on and just tell her that you're not interested in investing your time and emotions into a person who does not return anything back into the friendship.

My take on friendships is that they're like bank accounts. If you don't deposit anything, you won't be able to withdraw anything. After a while you might build up some sort of credit system (and in some cases a pretty significant one) and borrow out of the friendship. But at a certain point you have to put something back in return. It doesn't have to be of exactly equal value, just the gesture has to be significant enough to cover your "expenses". So if you've been investing into her and she hasn't into you, after a certain point just walk away. It's the same with any friendship.

[aznandyboi]

not to criticize the situation or putting the blame on anyone, i think you two were on different levels of maturity (if that even exists...) It is good that you were in control and ended it.

[Traffic]

Sounds like she's hurt man. No one to blame for that, but poo happens. Tell her she can call you, but don't go trying to hard with her, I think a positive move is to allow her some control over her own actions in regards to the situation.

[Milo Riano]

Sensibility is divided by emotions. She definitely feels emotional about your relationship with each other or lack of it...

[Genius_Cube]

A wise old friend of mine once told me that women are crazy. That was a terrible generalisation. SOME women are crazy, in so far as they have a need to create drama in their lives to justify themselves. My advice is put the ball in her court i.e. offer to talk to her, then step back.

[Lychee]

Maybe she is so excited about her relationship with you that all of this weird behavior is because she is insecure and scared of losing you. Just let her know how you feel and leave it up to her.

[DQueens]

it seems like this girl feels insecure about your feelings for her. she recently has bared herself to you, letting you know she wants you to be more than a friend. unless i am mistaken, your reaction has not been to let her know how you feel in return, however you still keep in contact with her. She is waiting to find out how you feel, and until then she is in the vulnerable position of having someone she likes know that she likes him but not knowing how he feels in return. This is why she is stressed out by seeing you and acts crazy when you're around. The most humane thing to do would be to address the situation, tell her you are flattered that she is attracted to you, but that you do not feel the same way/do not want to be in a relationship etc. This will probably result in severing contact with her. After all, you admit to not wanting to be around her anymore, and after she is rejected she will most likely not be up to being friends with you any longer.