41 and still have not experienced a sexual relationship..

[BlueRose]

[Moderator Note: Bluerose was banned for trolling and multiple account. Therefore, she will not be around to receive any advice. Furthermore this thread was started in April of 2009, a good bit of time ago. This thread is left open though for the general discussion that resulted from this OP. This warning is so that newcomers to this thread don't confuse this post for being a current post. ]

I'm 41yrs old and still have not experienced a sexual relationship. I don't feel normal. I dated someone a while ago but he turn out to be gay, he just wants to be friends with me. When I see other couples kissing I move away b/c I feel so left out. This is not normal a 41yr old lady who never experienced a sexual relationship makes me feel retarded. I feel sad when I'm alone.

[songwriter]

I'm not here to give an advice, cause I'm in a similar situation. I'm 31 and I've never had a girlfriend or a date (maybe things that were similar to a date...). All I can say is that there are lots of people like us, only that few talk about it, especially in public. There can be some around you like you and you'll never know.

I don't feel sad when I'm alone though. I use to feel sad when I try my best, like going to places where singles are, and yet things remain the same, that frustates me.

I used to feel sad alone when I didn't try a thing and I was just sad of realizing of my situation.

I prefer this sad than that sad. So I prefer to keep trying even if nothing comes out of it.

[nocturne]

the simple answer is that it might be a combination of lacking social skills and that you might have psychological issues holding you back. Or you are just not agressive enough about making options for yourself.

in any case, you should find a professional such as a therapist to diagnose exactly what is stopping you and get some help.

it is not a isgn of weakness to ask for help.

[Wax Frog]

Almost 44, forget about sex, I've never even had a sig other or... drum roll please... so much as a kiss! I'm not retarded or insane or unattractive, I've just taken "loner" to an extreme. I have too long a backstory to tell in one post, but basically I had to spend far too much of my formative years dealing with horrible phobias and building a protective psychic cocoon. It's easy for me to beat myself up for where I am now, but when I think of what I had to go through, I really mustn't be so hard on myself. I still believe, deep down, that somehow I can manage to play catch-up and have a life more in line with what I have always felt it should be...

I have to say it's a HUGE relief to know I'm not alone either! Big weight off my shoulders...

[Muzzinho]

Do you recognise it could simply just be fear? Fear of going to a person and saying `Hi`..?

I`m sure there are many people who would want to share their time with you. I suppose it could also be that you may have ideas about intimacy that hold you back or block people from coming to you...?

[freddy]

You are not alone I was late 37 before I kissed a girl. I just decided to get involved in some group activities dances or church function for singles. You try and dress as best you can and get out there. It's better to have someone to help encourage you when you go out. I never had that buddy myself.. And I know it's hard to do. But if you don't go out into public don't expect your perfect match to show up at your door. I'm still shy as all hell, and seeking some help for this messed up mind set.
PS as a guy. I tried dating sites, but not really much luck there but I hear the ladies do well at getting replies.

[rawxstasy]

Try joining some groups or clubs that interest you. Like a bike riding club, or book reading, hiking, anything really. (even AA or CoDependence Anonymous etc) Take a workshop or a class that interests you. You will eventually develop friendships through this and many of these friendships will lead to a date or more. Don't worry about lack of experience and don't set out to "get a guy/girl." People will be able to sense your "need" and shy away. Look at it more of enlarging your circle of friends.

I have made some male friendships and with guys who are in their 40's. One thing I have noticed is maybe because they haven't gotten married yet (regardless of whether not they've had girlfriends) they are in a big hurry to commit to me. They are also concerned about impressing me with their knowledge or material wealth or complimenting me. I have hardly found a guy who wants to LISTEN to what I have to say and values my opinions. I am also a person who needs to take things slow and would like to be friends first, then when I feel comfortable move on from there. I have not had much luck finding these types of guys. Guys looking to get laid are a dime a dozen and I don't bother with them.

My main point is just look for friendships, that will lessen the pressure off of you and make it easier to approach people.

[ABdude]

I was the ripe age of 30 when I (officially) lost my virginity, and when I first kissed a girl. Part of the reason it happened to me so late was that from my late teens to my late twenties, I had to deal with some severe drug and mental issues. Because of that, combined with my innate shyness and what used to be a stuttering problem, I never developed the attraction skills necessary to engage a woman.

Presently, I can engage a woman in conversation and even ask them out for coffee. At the opposite end, I am competent in more 'intimate' activities, (my first real gf once told me I was one of the best lovers she had). Its the building attraction, not getting into friend's zone and escalation that I seem to have a problem with.

Wish I could offer advice, but all I can say is that you are not alone.

[Daffy Duck]

I never realized that so many people had this experience. Thank you all for sharing. This is interesting to me.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by ABdude

Presently, I can engage a woman in conversation and even ask them out for coffee. At the opposite end, I am competent in more 'intimate' activities, (my first real gf once told me I was one of the best lovers she had). Its the building attraction, not getting into friend's zone and escalation that I seem to have a problem with.

Congratulations,

I'm in a similar situation, was wondering if your first real gf said you were the best lover she ever had, and you started lovemaking late, then how did you go about building your lovemaking skills, to be her best, if you started at 30?

[ABdude]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Congratulations,

I'm in a similar situation, was wondering if your first real gf said you were the best lover she ever had, and you started lovemaking late, then how did you go about building your lovemaking skills, to be her best, if you started at 30?

Before I lost my virginity, I was reading books and looking at websites regarding sex (not necessarily porn) and more specifically on how to please a woman. By the time I met my ex, I had already had sex a couple of times with ladies who were able to show me the ropes, so to speak. When me and her finally did have sex, (and she became my girlfriend), everything just seemed to fall into place*.

The one main thing I learned in this was that if you are with a woman who is comfortable with their sexuality, they will let you know what you need to do to get them off. If you are with someone who is not, its a bit trickier. You more or less have to try out different things and pay attention to their reaction, as everyone is different in what they like and don't like.

*Kissing was a completely different matter. My ex used to make fun of my slobbery kisses

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by BlueRose

I'm 41yrs old and still have not experienced a sexual relationship. I don't feel normal. I dated someone a while ago but he turn out to be gay, he just wants to be friends with me. When I see other couples kissing I move away b/c I feel so left out. This is not normal a 41yr old lady who never experienced a sexual relationship makes me feel retarded. I feel sad when I'm alone.

Hi Blue Rose,

I'm also 41 and have not wholly had a sexual relationship. This is mostly by my choice, however. And now I have essentially taken a vow of celibacy. In and of itself, I don't think it is a big deal.

Men always want to get girls into bed. I guess you have not found the circumstances under which you would be willing to have sex. I haven't either, although I've had moments where I was ready to throw it all away--it just didn't happen those times, for varying reasons.

For better or worse, evidently you're not alone.

[songwriter]

there is many people like this but it's not a "popular" thing to talk about.

Many people talk about their relationship, often portraying them better than they are, of about their affairs, etc.

Posting here you've never had success with women is not gonna make you seem smart, you know. (Well, for instance, Jesus never had either :-P )
That's why it takes a lot of courage. At less it makes you seem brave.

[BlueRose]

Originally Posted by songwriter

there is many people like this but it's not a "popular" thing to talk about.

Many people talk about their relationship, often portraying them better than they are, of about their affairs, etc.

Posting here you've never had success with women is not gonna make you seem smart, you know. (Well, for instance, Jesus never had either :-P
That's why it takes a lot of courage. At less it makes you seem brave.

I have no idea what is the point is to this post.

Originally Posted by songwriter

There is many people like this but it's not a "popular" thing to talk about. Posting here you've never had success with women is not gonna make you seem smart.

First off I just want to say I'm not a guy.. Second your comment seems a little offensive & discomfort. You make it sound like it's a turn off which makes me feel more less of a person then I do right now. Please be a little bit more mild about what you post here, some people including myself might take it the wrong way.

Originally Posted by songwriter

Many people talk about their relationship, often portraying them better than they are, of about their affairs, etc.

I hate hearing about other people's relationships & sexual experiences, to me THAT'S a major turnoff & it often depresses me especially when all I ever experienced was rejection..

[funchy]

Like the old saying, the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. Let's break down the problem and see at what point the problem really lies.

Have you had success finding dates? Casual dating? Kissing? Did you stop the other person from going further or for whatever reason did the other person not ask to go to the next step?

Do you think you have fear issues with some step in this process? If so, what is your biggest fear?

Have you tried opening up to a close male friend about your situation? Sometimes single friends will happily be more-than-friends. Some people enjoy sharing intimacy with someone who has never experienced it before, as teacher or caring friend who is guiding you.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by songwriter

Posting here you've never had success with women is not gonna make you seem smart, you know. (Well, for instance, Jesus never had either :-P )
That's why it takes a lot of courage. At less it makes you seem brave.

I agree a little with what BlueRose said. These words don't make me feel worse about myself, however, because you are the one in error. For some completely illogical reason you have equated intelligence with dishonesty and secrecy. These are usually associated with evil .

[hieza]

hey BlueRose,

i am very near your age, and not been in a sexual relationship either. I dont sweat about it any more, but i use to have an immense amount of stress about it. If you keep up the stress, its not good for the body, not going to contribute to making you attractive in manners, looks, expressions, or general company. It is not going to contribute to shining the uniqueness that is you. It does not contribute for others to see the qualities that are you, and what you have to offer other human beings. We all have something that is unique about us that someone can and does appreciate about us. We are each unique. I once met a fellow briefly who loved overweight women. My friend appreciates a woman with brains, where as someone else may want pure looks, and couldn't care about interests, brains, characteristics, etc. What i appreciate is a combination of things. We each have our specific appreciations that we notice in other human beings. If still were to believe someone could not have an interest in you, i will tell you that i recently discovered that when i have gone out for coffee with my sister, she has observed woman looking at me that indicates interest, and she has also hinted her friends being interested in me. Where i was oblivious to what she relayed. Depends on how we use our mind. it can limit us to what may already be there, or we can open ourselves to it.

The only real problem is the relationship within oneself about the situation at the moment. From what i experienced, it is my belief that it is important to deal with with any related emotions, thoughts and beliefs around the topic that are not conducive to allowing you to step in the direction of your desire. Different things work for different people. Part of what helped me move in the right direction was journaling. That helped me identify or at least bring to a greater awareness what was going on within me. Things began to emerge. I wanted a relationship for nearly twenty yeas, but struggled with it for a number of reasons. There were two incidences in the past that i did not realize were unresolved, and contributing to the for nearly two decades. Combined with inherited familial beliefs, and was in conflict with the family's cultural system that expected me to live and be in a certain way.

The journalling helped me become clearer about the cultural system that i was living, and several other things going on in me in relation to that.
It helped me affirm what it was i wanted. Eventually, it became clearer that i could not live two opposing systems (my parents beliefs and my own simultaneously) because it was LITERALLY tearing me apart. At that point of recognition, i then affirmed/ asked for a way to heal that conflict. The answer to that came when i stumbled across someone in a forum whom we had shared interests. We started communicating our of shared interests and shared learning. It grew into a very close friendship online, but we have not met. The experience has helped me face and come to terms with a lot of the barriers i previously had in meeting women. In that sense, the experience has a stepping stone for me. Before that experience, and before the realizations through journaling about the difficulty in meeting a woman for a relationship, i had a woman show a very clear interest where i was shopping regularly. At the time It was in immense struggle for many reasons to go any further beyond the awareness.
At this point for me, my next step is an income so i can get involved in life, activities, etc, where i might find someone with similar interests.

[rawxstasy]

Bluerose,

Hieza gave you some very good advice. My problem has not been sexual relationships but making friendships. I had gotten into the habit of self isolating and was always very shy. After I moved to a new town, I decided that I really needed to work on myself and although I was very lonely alot of the time, I made improving myself a priority. I was 43 years old, by the way when I started this work.

I looked at what I wanted out of life and what was going on now in my life and how I could get to where I wanted to be. I knew that on this journey I had to do a lot of self healing work. I journaled, read books, allowed myself to get in touch with who I really am. I also worked on making friendships but it wasn't easy and I got rejected alot of times, but I didn't let it stop me. Now after a year, I feel comfortable with who I am. I have also experienced alot of personal growth that I think people are attracted to. Although at times, I am still pretty quiet, I have come a long way, socially.

especially when all I ever experienced was rejection..
You need to release this belief from your thought patterns. Tell yourself, you are starting a new life and the past doesn't matter anymore. A really good book that might help is "the Power of Now." Also read books on dating, flirting, relationships.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by BlueRose

I have no idea what is the point is to this post. First off I just want to say I'm not a guy.. Second your comment seems a little offensive & discomfort. You make it sound like it's a turn off which makes me feel more less of a person then I do right now. Please be a little bit more mild about what you post here, some people including myself might take it the wrong way.

I hate hearing about other people's relationships & sexual experiences, to me THAT'S a major turnoff & it often depresses me especially when all I ever experienced was rejection..

the point is making you see why you thought you were alone in being alone, when is not like that, only that people with that problem (like me) use to be secretive about it, cause it can be a cause of jokes, pity, loss of status...
I'm not being offensive to you, I would be offensive to me cause I'm in a similar situation.
All I say is that you are being brave about it, but there's lot of people not so brave so they don't speak about it, and then you seem like the only one with that problem.

Yes, many talk about their relationship but I wanted to say that most are not truthful.
There are lots of couples with problems, yet they seem to be Ok for their friends, all they do is hide it and maybe next day they divorce...

Some people are very unhappy in their marriage and relationships and they don't use to tell about it but try to cause the oppossite impression.

Still no relationship is worse than a good relationship but better than a bad one...

I've always liked the last line of Message in a Bottle "seems I'm not alone in being alone..."
That's how really is.

The Police-Message in a bottle

YouTube - The Police - Message In A Bottle: Video

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

Walked out this morning, dont believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems Im not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s.
Sending out at an s.o.s...

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I agree a little with what BlueRose said. These words don't make me feel worse about myself, however, because you are the one in error. For some completely illogical reason you have equated intelligence with dishonesty and secrecy. These are usually associated with evil .

No, I haven't. I say that many people do that. I've never been kissed and I see it that happening.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by songwriter

No, I haven't. I say that many people do that. I've never been kissed and I see it that happening.

Actually, I think you did:

Originally Posted by songwriter

Posting here you've never had success with women is not gonna make you seem smart, you know.

Which implies that anyone who is open and honest here is a stupid person.

[BlueRose]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Which implies that anyone who is open and honest here is a stupid person.

The problem is that people say/post things without thinking and I guess Songwriter is one of them. And one more thing I like to say to songwriter, it's not necessary to post the whole lyrics along with youtube video of that song, I know the song, posting Youtube is enough.

[AfteraDream]

Wow...that sucks.. I can't really give you advice but try speed dating or something. Or better yet go to Dating Advice - Dating Coach - Dating Expert - Dating Tips - David Wygant and read his blog. It will definitely help you

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Actually, I think you did:



Which implies that anyone who is open and honest here is a stupid person.

Not at all. I mean posting about a big problem like that doesn't SEEM to make you smart.
How many bloggers here would talk about a problem like that? Do you think that would attract people to their blogs?
like, "I don't have any success with women, but I'm gonna guide you in life."
Most bloggers speak about problems they have overcomed but not their real problems...

Of course I don't agree with that point of view, why would I explain about my own problem them if I thought it was stupid?

I don't think I'm gonna see perceived as smart but hey, I don't mind. When I talked about that people answered me about social skills and confidence... And I excel in those things, so well... I'm not STUPID, I have just that problem.

It's inpopular you know. If you have 2 female friends and one day she comes alone to a party and the other one comes with... Brad Pitt, for instance. Who do you think will be mostly perceived as "smart", be admired and popular?

Not even Jesus talked about it. Am I wrong? What did he say about he and women... ?

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by BlueRose

The problem is that people say/post things without thinking and I guess Songwriter is one of them. And one more thing I like to say to songwriter, it's not necessary to post the whole lyrics along with youtube video of that song, I know the song, posting Youtube is enough.

I don't think I post without thinking. But you do, or should I say without reading, I didn't say what you say. Read what I say and I don't mean that at all. If you knew my posts it doesn't have sense me saying that after me doing many threads about my lack of success with women, but you don't realize. I mean the oppossite. I talk about perception of many people not that is reality.
Like I could say "some people think (insert race here) are (insert insult)" and I don't think that at all.

Still I am supposed to feel guilty about that.

Well, if you know the song, I don't need to post Youtube either...

[sirkinm]

There are books about being love shy. I think it'd be OK to tell a potential partner that you feel really shy and awkward when it comes to intimacy because you've experienced so little, and that they may have to take the lead.

The good thing about internet dating is that you can be upfront about your situation before meeting them, or even speaking with them. Men are especially forgiving, and a lot of men are interested in inexperienced women. The same goes for women: There are plenty of middle-aged women who would love to recapture the opportunity to be with a virgin male without having to go to the local high school to do it. I heard just such a scenario in the Savage Love Podcast recently (check it out -- it's great!).

I think that gently stepping into potential intimate scenarios via the internet is a good bet.

[hieza]

Originally Posted by BlueRose

When I see other couples kissing I move away b/c I feel so left out. .

In a later reply;;;

Originally Posted by BlueRose

I hate hearing about other people's relationships & sexual experiences, to me THAT'S a major turnoff & it often depresses me especially when all I ever experienced was rejection.. .

The theme is repeated twice, so i see how how much of an issue that is for you right now. It is a positive step to have created this post about the issue. To me that implies recognition of the situation, and a potential step towards seeking an alternative to how it has been till now. Of course, It requires decision and effort on your part.

Originally Posted by BlueRose

This is not normal a 41yr old lady who never experienced a sexual relationship makes me feel retarded.

I use to think something similar (and thus experience the effect as a result of that thinking), because i too compared against the people i saw around me in the community. The culture around me was different to the one cultural way/ system i grew up in, and i thought there was something wrong because i was living that way. I don't want to detail it, because unless someone comes from a country where that is not unusual, then all their judgments are made according to their using as a reference of what is normal from their perspective of upbringing within their family and general culture.

Retarded, is not who you are, and is not the truth. That is a self created perception. If that were true, it would be fairly obvious in your writing. Who you are in "normality" and perception of truth, are the patterns of associations made within yourself to this point in time, which have created responses to how you feel, what you do, or what you don't do about this topic. The way we focus and use our minds, determines that. The associations can be made in thought, words, and ones imaginings. The associations of what has not been till this point is mostly history at this point. They are neural associations, that are like programs where it eventually becomes automatic through repetition.

I dont know what in Steve's blogs would help in dealing with this matter, but i have a few ideas in what you could look at in helping you deal with your personal barriers and moving ahead.
I did actually start explaining and going into a lot of details about this topic, but i somehow don't think you relate to it. That's ok. each one of us is different. I view through the filter of my mind, which makes my experience different from your filter of perception and understanding. Essentially, that means we could be both correct, yet both wrong at the same time. Anyway, here are some suggestions that you could look into.

Hypnotherapy has been around for a while and there are plenty of professionals offering this service. It is about changing the sub conscious associations in ones mind to something that is aligned with what you want to be, or do. It can be very effective.

NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming. There are also plenty of NLP professionals offering this service. Although they are separate practices, or professions, It is not unusual to have practitioners offering both Hypnotherapy and NLP.

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It is used to clear any negative emotions. There is an official web site where one can download the manual to learn it for free. That is why it has become so popular in comparison to other similar energy meridian tapping techniques. There are many websites that teach you the basic tapping process. The manual is a bit lengthy to explain the system properly, but the basic process might be easier to learn if someone demonstrates it to you, or simply through a web site with only a simple explanation of just the process, rather than explaining the what is in the manual. A do it yourself approach may or may not yield results. Where it does not, it may require the services of a suitably trained individual, who has the experience and developed skills to be able to efficiently find what things to use EFT on. When one has an emotional issue, there can be other "layers" behind the main apparent issue, which one has to use EFT on. If you dont find it, then you may have only resolved a portion of the emotional issue, or perhaps not at all. I have used this, and sometimes it has worked for me.

TAT, (if i remember correctly), stands for Tapas Acupressure Technique. It is a tool for resolving an issue, and then putting something positive in its place. This was presented to me about half way through coming to terms with the issue around this topic, and has worked wonderfully for me. Far less popular than EFT. Free to download, and much shorter documentation than EFT. Simpler than EFT because there is no detective work required. More intuitive. I use the TAT pose to clear self limitation and embed programs. That is not an official way, and is simply something i felt like doing.

Affirmations can be a way to positively affirm after you have cleared the issue. It is basically affirming in word, thought, writing, or positive language, to change our inner relationship about ourselves, others, or anything at all. Just Google it. I am quite confident you will find enough free information about it.
Afformations are a variation of affirmations where one asks a question, instead of affirming. They dont seem to work for me, but seems to for others. A woman was telling me that affirmations were not working for her. I told her about Afformations, and she immediately took to them like a duck to water.

These are some ideas. I hope you work out what is suitable to you.

[Diandra25]

i think that is a matter of finding the "right" person with whom we feel conffortable,secure,cozy enought,and trustworthy,in order for us,women,to give ourselves torwards another.

the same to guys also....

it is not nothing to be ashamed of,or being diferent!

society and others are the ones that expect sth from us---at age X date,then have sex,then marry,then have kids...etc....

Why do we have to be as any other human being?each one of us have our own times for doing whatever we want.

if you feel it hasnt came the time,then it will come.

but if you feel odd with yourself-then its a matter of you to search counseling and see why you feel in that way,etc....

i also have lost my virginity "late" in comparing to others,but i dont mind at all!

i even think that is really amazing that people wait for someone special,in order to share such intimacy.

i think it is great.

but one needs to go out and feel good about the´mselve´s choices:then we naturally encounter someone with whom we can experienciate Life

[BlueRose]

Originally Posted by songwriter

I don't think I post without thinking. But you do, or should I say without reading.

Still I am supposed to feel guilty about that.

There you go again.. Sorry to say this but you're starting to get on my nerves... If you can't post anything comforting and supportive, don't post anything at all..

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by BlueRose

There you go again.. Sorry to say this but you're starting to get on my nerves... If you can't post anything that comforting and supportive, don't post anything at all..

All that I posted here was not to offend you but to help you. But for some reason I don't know you're perceiving it the oppossite way...

Btw, you're starting to get on my nerves too...