I Need Urgent Help Before I Mess Up Big Time

[Nimo]

Hi,

Am in dire straits..sort of anyway.

I have a God-sent boyfriend but am so insecure in our relationship.. Am always going through his phone to check out pics and texts...I log into his email and facebook accounts to snoop and go thorugh every single detail (written, typed or otherwise) to check for 'evidence that he is cheating'.

He is a gentleman and very generous however, he gives what I consider 'too much attention' to his lady friends..he calls, meets and goes out with them (as friends). My problem with him is that he somehow never notices that some of these chics have a liking for him until I point it out. Usually, he'll disagree with me only to agree when the chic makes a move.

I keep telling him that chics (me included) mistake generosity for interest and that's enough a cue to move in for the kill. He never sees my point until its too late.

I do not doubt that he loves me or even that its me he wants to be with. I have no solid evidence that he has or is cheating but am fed up with fighting the chics off!!!

Chics are wired to fall in love or get seduced before a guy can say ' BEER', they follow him in droves.... that's what drives me to snoop!!! am tired of it and want to lay back and enjoy his love for me.. How can I do this without being distracted by all these chics?

How do I trust that they are just friends and nothing more without looking for evidence. BY the way, he knows I snoop (being caught many times), it hurts him and I want to stop but MY DILEMMA IS REAL!!

Please Help before I lose him...

Thanks Y'all.

[Angela]

How long have you know this guy, and for how long has your relationship been explicitly "committed"? What promises did you make to each other when you had "The Talk" (decided to be a monogamous couple)?

[James81]

The interesting thing about mistrust is that the behaviors which drive "snooping" are the very behaviors that make your fears come true.

Meaning that, your obsessive behavior is likely to DRIVE him to do the very thing you are obsessively trying to avoid: cheat.

Couple of things to think about:

1. Has he EVER, in all the time you've been together, given you a reason not to trust him? (have you ever caught him in a lie, in a situation that was inappropriate, etc.?)

2. If you answer "no" to number 1, then realize that the issue is within you. There is an innate insecurity that makes you feel like you can't measure up with these other girls. It's a self-esteem issue, and the way to combat the low self esteem is to engage in actions that reinforce that you are worth something (succeeding in a career, finishing a creative project, defining who you are and what you want out of life, etc.).

3. Always realize that, no matter HOW interested somebody is in your boyfriend, that the ultimate decision for him to cheat rests entirely on HIM and him saying "yes." That means that a girl can throw herself at him and he would stand up and say "no" and it won't happen. But realize taht you constantly snooping and being jealous of him is driving him away from you and putting a damper on your relationship with him. Any major flaw (and this is a major flaw) in your relationship will make him "weaker" to those attempts by girls to get him. If he is unhappy with YOU, he is far more likely to cheat on you than if he is happy. So, in essence, your focus needs to be one hundred percent on the relationship....realizing you have value and deserve happiness, but also focusing on making him happy as well.

[Daffy Duck]

It's interesting to see this topic. I've been in this situation (as the boyfriend). I'm glad you are looking to take some action because I know it's not fun (for anyone involved) when your girlfriend feels insecure about friendships. As James points out, the actions you take might send a message to your boyfriend that you don't trust him and that can actually destroy the relationship which is what you are trying to avoid in the first place. I'm highly aware of this whenever my girlfriend has seemed insecure and we talk through it. I hope your boyfriend is aware too.

Is your boyfriend clear with them that he is just interested in friendship? I try to make this clear when a girl is coming onto me. It usually goes something like, "I really like you, but I have a girlfriend, so I'd like to explore being good friends with you, but nothing romantic." Some girls only want a ♥♥♥♥♥ and I rarely see them again, but I've made some good friends too.

I hope I can learn from this topic too. This is still an occasional issue in my life and it helps to see it from another girl's perspective. I want my partner to feel secure and I also want freedom to have female friends.

[Neal2009]

Back. Off.

He loves the attention and company of other women, thats something that has is just him. I wager, its his need for female company is what brought him to you in the first place. However, there is one thing liking to be around women rather than other men and there is a cheater/serial relationship kind of dude.

It doesn't matter how many women he meets that are into him, or will throw themselves at him after one to many free drinks, he is always going to seek female company so there will always be another woman to worry about.

It's funny you should say that womena are hard wired to mistake your mans intentions because Its a very limiting belief, however evident it maybe at times. I could counter that women are hard wired to be very territorial, at times much worse than men. maybe your just projecting your feelings and misinterpreting situations?

Talking from experience, I am a straight guy who has a female best friend. Girlfriend after girlfiriend has had a issue with this, espeically when she finds out we have matching tattoo's. the thing is..the more my girlfriend would have a issue with it, the more id lose interest. i hate insecurity, its really a ugly thing to see especially when you wouldn't dream of doing any out of line regardless.

Take a step back and instead make sure you do everything make sure your man is 100% happy with you.

The grass is only greener on the otherside if your side is unkempt

[James81]

Originally Posted by Neal2009

Talking from experience, I am a straight guy who has a female best friend. Girlfriend after girlfiriend has had a issue with this, espeically when she finds out we have matching tattoo's. the thing is..the more my girlfriend would have a issue with it, the more id lose interest. i hate insecurity, its really a ugly thing to see especially when you wouldn't dream of doing any out of line regardless.

There's an old saying...

You can fool some of the people all of the time.

You can fool all of the people some of the time.

But you can never fool all of the people all of the time.

I bring that up merely to make you think about WHY "girlfriend after girlfriend" has had a problem with this friendship. I understand that there are quite a few insecure people out there, who can't see past their own insecurities to recognize a platonic relationship when they see it.

But if you are CONSISTENTLY having relationships that are failing because of your friendship with this woman, perhaps you should take a moment to honestly analyze the appropriateness of the relationship as it relates back to your relationships. What I mean, simply, is that not ALL girls are insecure freaks about friendships, so if you can't seem to find a girl who is ok with your friendship with this woman, then perhaps it's not THEM who are being insecure. Perhaps you don't consciously recognize that your relationship with your friend may step beyond the bounds of purely platonic.

For example, you hanging out with another women is perfectly normal and the women you date need to accept that. But, what if you are putting this friendship FIRST? Where you detract from your relationships to feed this friendship. That is definately out of line, assuming you want a romantic relationship with someone.

Do you see what I'm saying?

I had a similar situation back in college. I was friends with this girl, and on the surface it seemed purely platonic. And I kept harping that that's all it was. And I had a couple of relationships ruined because of this friendship, and I, like you, was less attracted to women once they expressed insecurity towards the friendship.

But then I met my ex-wife and we started dating. And it was when SHE put up the same resistance I kept getting elsewhere that I realized that I was putting this friendship above my relationships, and that, underneath it all, I had feelings for this friend that I was too afraid to express. I quickly ended the friendship because I discovered it was a toxic influence in my life. I couldn't "have my cake and eat it too" and I needed to make a decision between this friendship or me having a truly romantic, sexual relationship with someone else.

I'm not saying for you to end this friendship (don't get me wrong). What I am saying is that perhaps you need to step back and look at it objectively, figure out why "girl after girl" has a problem with it (like I said, not ALL of these girls are insecure), and then make a decision about what to do about it.

BTW, sorry for the thread derail.

[Daffy Duck]

James, when you say you were putting your toxic friendship first, how did you know? I spend around 80-90% of my spare time with my girlfriend, but she still occasionally gets upset if I hang out with a particular girl once or twice a month, even though we've had many conversations about it. She says the "problem is in her own mind" and she's trying to deal with it. I'm doing my best to be supportive and fair, but it even frustrates me sometimes when I get hassled for spending three hours with someone.

I think part of the problem is that this particular girl used to have a large craving for me, though now she has moved onto someone else. I'm glad she did because it should make our friendship "easier" in a sense.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Nimo

...
Please Help before I lose him...

Thanks Y'all.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear...

You will lose him, no doubt about it, enjoy him until he's had enough and says bye bye...

Then you can whine and feel sorry for yourself.

You like that? No?

Then what?

Wake up girl, time for some quick and drastic soul searching (yours, not his!) and change some nasty beliefs you have about yourself, other women and your BF.

So what's your next step in this, and when?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

James, when you say you were putting your toxic friendship first, how did you know? I spend around 80-90% of my spare time with my girlfriend, but she still occasionally gets upset if I hang out with a particular girl once or twice a month, even though we've had many conversations about it. She says the "problem is in her own mind" and she's trying to deal with it. I'm doing my best to be supportive and fair, but it even frustrates me sometimes when I get hassled for spending three hours with someone.

I think part of the problem is that this particular girl used to have a large craving for me, though now she has moved onto someone else. I'm glad she did because it should make our friendship "easier" in a sense.

I'm not so sure it was the AMOUNT of time spent, as it was the realization that I had my friend on a higher level of importance that my girlfriends.

The moment I realized it was a night that me and my ex-wife (when she was my girlfriend) had a huge fight about one of those issues that had nothing to do with what she was angry about.

When the truth came out, she told me she was mad because I was standing there talking to her and my friend came in and I stopped mid-sentence with my ex to go talk to HER.

[Daffy Duck]

I see. I'll keep that in mind.

I try to avoid setting up appointments I can't keep, but if anything I usually blow off friends to spend time with my girlfriend. Normally I try to combine the two groups in activities.

[timothydrake]

There is a saying I heard a while ago. I don't remember it exactly but it talks about trying to hold on to something so tight that it falls through the fingers.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Nimo

but am fed up with fighting the chics off!!!

Then stop fighting with them. Period. Surrender to your situation: My bf is a flirt, is unaware of it, and he isn't cheating on me". That's reality as far as you've posted.

Then you go and say:

Originally Posted by Nimo

MY DILEMMA IS REAL

No, it's not. It's 100% a story you've made up in your head. Think about it. If what you've told me is true than you are reacting to something that isn't there. You have no evidence.... but it must be true!!??

You're reacting to thoughts in your head. You need to change that. You will not stop the thoughts. You need to change your relationship to your thoughts. I highly recommend "Loving what is" by Byron Katie. It is a fast-track to not believing every thought in your head. Quite simple to do too.

I gotta get to work... there is something else in here to talk about too and I think Angela will go over that after you respond to her.

[polyfulcrum]

I have yet to hear of snooping end well, so your goal of stopping that behavior sounds like a great thing to be working on. Perhaps you can eradicate that habit _and_ work on building trust with your significant other at the same time.

This might look something like letting him know that you are working on desensitizing yourself, so you'd like it if he would voluntarily share additional information (that you've currently been snooping for) and talk about how you feel about each thing, and how he sees it. This could point out to you if you're being overly sensitive to things, as well as show him if he's a little in denial at the same time. It's an opportunity to work together to find a new joint perspective, and come to some agreements on what works for both of you, as well as build trust that he isn't hiding things from you.

While my perspective is from a polyamorous point of view, it seems like the skills we use at the beginning of a new relationship, as far as disclosure of information, sharing how things are feeling, and coming up with tactics that can ease discomfort without changing the other person/people involved would be applicable here. It's just jealousy. It's something that you can unlearn and work with, as long as you don't sweep it under the carpet.

[Nimo]

I've read what each person has written and I concur completely. I have been cheated on before because I failed to recognize subtle signs of cheating that led to the end of that relationship. This is something I had not shared with my BF until recently when we revisited my insecurity issue. He only had this to say ' That one incident will spoil for you a perfectly good relationship if you let it'.

Am glad to say that I have not snooped but the temptation is there, i will not give into it. I honestly love this man and if this relationship is to end (there's a fair chance), I do not want the cause to be my insecurity or lack of trust. These are things I can control. True, he has told me many times that what I should be concerning myself with is building the relationship rather than giving reason for ending it. Also, that if he wanted to be with chic A, B or C, there is nothing stopping him except himself and that I should trust him more because it is me he want to be with and not them.I agree, there are some deep-seated issues I need to look into..am right on it.

People, thank you for being honest with me, most times we know what to do but need others to tell it to us.. Am eternally grateful and hope that with this advice, i'll make better decisions.

[GrGrimm]

I've read the numerous posts here. Most seem to agree with you that your insecurity is the problem. I'll agree what you're doing is just going to drive you nuts and maybe he is as great as you say. But none of us have ever met this guy, have we? I want to firstly validate your feelings of insecurity. It's natural to feel this way and is actually helpful (to warn you) IF there is something to worry about. Now, couple questions--- Are these established friends or are these new friends that he's going out with? If he goes out "as friends" with new girl after new girl, it sounds to me like he's still on the prowl. Maybe he'd never cheat on you, but what is he getting out of these friendships. I find it hard to believe he can't recognize when a girl has the hots for him, time after time. Maybe he likes being generous and leading them on (just dancing on the line but not crossing it) because it flatters his ego and helps with his own insecurity. If these are people he's known as friends, you might need to get a grip and respect his friendships. BUT how open are these friendships? Does he make them more of a priority than you? Does he invite you to come along>? Do you get along with the girls. Are they nice to you, or do they respond to you being nice to them. Is he affectionate with you in front of them? If he isn't doing anything shady, you need to just stop checking his email, and he needs to respect some boundries so you are comfortable. Yes, women are territorial. They also like to play alpha female competions sometimes and see whether or not they can be the better woman by winning a particular male. So, yes he should be able to have other plutonic relationships, but he shouldn't be acting like he's single. So, the point is, maybe he's not so great. As Kurt Cobain said. "Just because you're paranoid, doesn't meen they're not after you." Only you can know whether or not he's doing anything to give these girls the wrong idea. Only you can know whether his personality is something you can accept- if he's naturally a flirt, or needs ego gratification from other girls, and you don't care for it, you may have to decide thats not the kind of partner you need at this time...

[rose A]

good points GR.

[Orecle]

Eiether he is cheating or he is not

If he is cheating, its eiether he is a serial cheat ( many women) in which case you would have evidence, or it is a one off (an ex) which you would probably also had evidence.

Did he use to be a player? Are you scared other women can seduce him? In which case he would not be a God-send. If he is cheating with multiple women (since your fear comes from more than one woman liking him) believe me you will find out



When it comes down to it, WHAT REASON DOES HE HAVE TO CHEAT

Physical - Is it a sexual thing

Emotional - Does he have a super deep conection with any of these women unlike he can have with you?

Mental - Is he attracted to the way any of these women think?

ANYTIME YOU ARE FEELING INSECURE ASK YOURSELF WHAT REASON DOES HE HAVE TO CHEAT? AND BE TRUTHFUL NOT FEARFUL?

[Nimo]

@ GR, thanks for 'allowing me to feel insecure'... I have known this guy for 1.5years now and most of these friends he has had for a little longer than 1.5 years while some he has known for over 2 years. There's a particular chic who is way older than him (he's 28, she's 35) and they've worked together and co-own a company. He swears he would never touch her...what bothers me about her is that they spend alot of time together. She is athletic like him so they'll go out hiking when she comes to town (she's a foreigner). Since they co- own a company, they communicate alot on phone, email and FB. My worry spans from their shared interests of sport, community work and the outdoors. He says she is emotionally and physically strong (She's a cop). I have absolutely no love for the outdoors. I have never met her and do not care to. She knows am in a romantic relationship with him and could be the only woman who respects that.

The other lives in his home area and according to him, she is like a younger sister. He was friend's with her before we ever met. He says that if it was her he wanted, I would never have come into the picture and if I would and he changed his mind, I wouldn't be here still. Makes sense.

The other bunch is his classmates. They spend too much time together in discussion groups, class meetings, club trips, club meetings and of course in lectures and it pisses me off. He has often canceled dates with me because of an impromtu class or discussion. Argh!!!

I sometimes have an overwhelming feeling that he still has a thing going with his ex GF with whom he has a child. He loves his son and I would never ask him not to visit or spend time. What bothers me is that the baby mama will not allow him access to the boy if she knows that he's in a relationship with someone else. According to him, she is conniving. When we started going out, we talked about her and he called her an INCORRIGIBLE ♥♥♥♥♥!! They parted on nasty terms but 'relate' because of the child. If it wasn't for the baby, he says he wouldn't ever communicate with her. I am in similar situation, I wrote off my son's father a long time ago and cannot even stand him. When he comes around, i get physically sick but have to 'stand' him for the sake of my boy. I know it is possible to write off a person who was previously dear but...I can't seem to get a grip on his situation...She doesn''t like me, I feel approximately nothing for her.

That's about it, any other woman doesn't really rub me the wrong way. He has had slip ups (UNFORGIVEN to date) with one of his classmates but he apologized for it..Hmn! To be totally honest, I've had slip ups of my own, some deliberate. I may add that, i've not been very easy to be with over the last year and a half. I've accused him wrongly many times, caused him immense pain with words and actions and been generally selfish...he is still here. Just yesterday, we had an argument infront of one of his classmates and he took it badly but he realized that he had played a part in making the argument explode like it did. For the first time in a very very long time, he called to apologize for hurting my feelings. Am still reeling from the effects of the apology.hehe..

He's a flirt am yet to find out what he gets from it because our sex life is better than most, am as intelligent as he is and physically, well, am not miss world but i can pull of a regional beauty peagent. He's personality is a mixed grill of sorts,at times he'll sit and observe and will barely utter a word especially if the environment is new but generally, he will talk a CEO into creating a position in the company for him whether it is relevant to the company or not. He has the sweetest tongue & that's scary.

I have many reasons to doubt and suspect him but have many reasons to trust him. He provides for me and is still with me despite all else. He's not the type to tolerate unnecessary discomfort which is what i've dished out for the longest time now. Why does he stay? Am not extra ordinary.

He is a good man, am good most of the time but we collide on many fronts. He has had many opportunities to end this relationship (and so have I) but we've stayed on. I believe that a relationship should not be so much work..We both have been cheated on and hurt before, we've had a fairly rough child hood in our own right and have done things in the past that we are not proud of. We agreed to turn over a new leaf together..in his words, 'our lives are like a dirty book with a few clean pages so we staple together the dirty pages and flip over to a clean fresh page'. That's where we are at.
Starting over afresh.

I cannot promise that I will not be insecure but I will try my best to be objective. He cannot promise to do away with his friends and I must learn to respect these and many other friendships to come. He keeps telling me that not all women see him as I see him. Not all women are interested in him the way I am interested in him and most importantly, no other woman means as much to him as I do. He says that the quality he loves most about me is that am, for a lack of a better word, territorial..that I 'guard' him fiercely and keep him in check which could only mean that I care. I suspect his ex was a taker, most girls in his life have taken and taken, am naturally I give. I hand out DRAMA with the same ease I give love and affection.

Yeah, am right to be insecure...he is a GOD-SENT pain in the arse but it is this pain in the arse that I want...at least for now. I LOVE YOU BABE.

[Brutha]

You really shouldn't read any of his private things on his mobile phone, his facebook account, his myspace page or his emails.
That isn't healthy.
Tell him to change his passwords to remove temptation on your own part to check private messanges on facebook, myspace and emails.

But none of us have ever met this guy, have we? I want to firstly validate your feelings of insecurity. It's natural to feel this way and is actually helpful (to warn you) IF there is something to worry about.

It isn't helpful. Feeling insecurity doesn't help her in any way. It's just scarcity thinking.

He says that the quality he loves most about me is that am, for a lack of a better word, territorial..that I 'guard' him fiercely and keep him in check which could only mean that I care.

If he wouldn't flirt with other woman you wouldn't react in that way and if he likes that reaction it might be the reason why he actually flirts with them.

[GrGrimm]

Whoa. I wasn't trying to give you "permission" to feel a certain way. Certainly you don't NEED my validation, although I thought it may be helpful to say, you have a right to your feelings. It's awesome that they are not substantiated- but what if they were? I don't know anything about you or your guy. For example, maybe you were (like some people) just so addicted to your mate you couldn't see him for what he really was. Maybe these feelings were stemming from yourself telling you he wasn't really "the one." Everybody was just agreeing that your feelings are unjust. That's why I said I'm going to play the devil's advocate here. I'm going to take the unpopular opinion, because I don't know what the situation REALLY is, and maybe you need someone advocating for the side of you that worries. We can't all be open and poly and happy like the Pavlinas. That's awesome some people get beyond their "scarcity thinking." But just because I would be upset if my monogamous partner started cheating on me doesn't meen my scarcity thinking is "wrong" or unhelpful. That's just the way it is. The problem lies when your brain stresses about a nonexistant problem, and you act like there's a problem, when there's not, and someone else has to deal with you "punishing" them for no reason. So, since you REALLY know that there's no reason to be paranoid, and you are taking mental steps to stop acting insecure, I'm sure you've saved yourself from "messing up bigtime" already. Best wishes.

[Brutha]

It's awesome that they are not substantiated- but what if they were?

The added insecurity would still increase the problem instead of decrease it.

But then everyone has the right to make his own life miserable and if that's what you want than it's fine.

But just because I would be upset if my monogamous partner started cheating

It's not about being upset but about letting those things control your life.

[GrGrimm]

games and interactions control every human's life to some extent. We are mammals that live in groups.

Originally Posted by Brutha

The added insecurity would still increase the problem instead of decrease it.

It's not about being upset but about letting those things control your life.

But if the problem is someone's wandering eye, the insecurity (and vocalization of that insecurity) just expresses to the other person, that there a problem. For example, I have a committed monogamous relationship of a few years. I have grown and become less insecure. I have access to his call records online (he's under my cellphone plan) but I don't check them, or worry obsessively about his coworkers or whoever. I have elected that (at this point in my life) I would like to share myself intimately with one person and have them do the same. He wants the same thing. (You can connect with someone without getting physical.) Over time we have both earned eachothers trust by not "cheating."

I like that he's not paranoid if I go hang out with a male friend. BUT if I had a friend that openly expressed their imtimate intentions, AND I led them on by being flirty (like I would with a potential partner,) AND I started preferring to spend time with them over my partner---his insecurities would be justified. The fact that he has these feelings and expresses them to me wouldn't be the problem---the problem would be that we were in conflict over my actions. In that scenario, one way I could play it would be to get mad AT HIM for "not trusting me." IF I was doing something that violated the pact of our relationship, AND he was not cool with it, 1) I could either hide it from him. 2) Turn it around and make him the bad guy. 3) Be open about my feelings, Accept that he has the choice to decide that he is not interested in an open relationship, and look elsewhere.........

On the flip side- Let's say I get insecure over a perceived threat and he didn't violate our terms. I'm just jealous because he emails and old girlfriend. THEN my insecurity is the root problem! He's not doing anything wrong and I am being too possessive. This is violating him because he should have the freedom to have other platonic friendships.
If he's telling her how attractive she is and how much he misses their sexlife, then my insecurity over this may erupt into a fight, but innately, I don't see a problem with me being insecure. He may not be getting physical with her, but he is showing that perhaps, he wants to get physical with someone else.

You may have a different lifestyle, Brutha. And if It's not something that would make you jealous, go for it! Be free. But you can't tell someone to accept something they don't want because it is a more enlightened way of thinking. And if someones actions are a dealbreaker for you, leave. ANOTHER WAY PEOPLE HAVE SCARCITY THINKING IS FEELING THEY WONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO LOVE IF THEY LEAVE A PARTNER THAT DOESNT MAKE THEM HAPPY. They don't like the situation, but are too afraid just to let go- because uh, oh- they might not find another semigood one.

(I just felt like posting. Again, not trying to offend anyone with my viewpoints.)

[angies]

You are too insecured. You love him too much for your own good. And you don't think that you are worthy of his love.

Snooping around wont change anything. Nagging wont change anything, even if you catch him cheating still wont change anything. Stop snooping around. Trust him and step back. Live your own life, do your own things, have your own interests. Then you don't have much time sitting around wondering what he is up to every 5 mins.

There is a saying I particularly like "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”.

[Sivodna]

Continue what you're doing, and you'll lose him, and rightfully so. If he's caught you snooping a few times and he's still with you, count your blessings.
Your behaviour is unacceptable.

Grow up. Don't be so pathetic.

[Miia]

Stop thinking about him and those girls. Put yourself first. There`s nothing you can do to stop him going after someone else. You shouldn`t even want to... well you can but not in this way (controlling, nagging, snooping around). You can work with yourself to become more interesting etc, but that`s as far as it should go in my opinion.
If he goes, then he wasn`t your man. You can`t control him. You shouldn`t want to. HE has to love you. HE has to want you. If he does, then he wont look elsewhere and you`ll know it once you become secure enough to notice it.

Would you want your man to love you, really love you out of his own free will or do you want to control and force him to love you?

(I don`t know if this is making any sense to anybody but myself since I`m trying to put something that I FEEL into words for the first time).

Stop being jealous of those women. Become the one they will envy. Trust your man. Hold your head high.

[UnleashReality]

it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you snoop on him and keep that up because he'll feel that you think he's cheating and figure that he may as well since you think of him that way.

the only solution that lasts, as in sort out the problem, the reason instead of just the symptoms, is to let go of wanting to change him and to let go of the wants for approval, control, security etc that are making you snoop around.

it's about you, not him.

check out the sedona method stuff -found that really helpful in releasing wants. Sedona Method (official site) The Secret self-help program; self-improvement technique

i also run a website on personal development, you might find this article on focus helpful and could just "zoom out" next time an urge to snoop comes up How to Focus: Get Things Done and Be Free

also check out the work of eckhart tolle, specifically "the power of now".

hope that helps
alex

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by Nimo

I sometimes have an overwhelming feeling that he still has a thing going with his ex GF with whom he has a child. He loves his son and I would never ask him not to visit or spend time. What bothers me is that the baby mama will not allow him access to the boy if she knows that he's in a relationship with someone else.

Well OF COURSE he has something with his ex-gf, HE HAS A CHILD WITH HER. There will always be SOME type of connection between them.

[aforumbear]

Okay, I am not the expert in this area...but I have some very strong principles that I wish to share.

I think snooping is a good part - insecurity. I cannot even start to tell you how many women I know that keep their husbands on very short leashes. It saddens me to see that, and to know the husbands feel so controlled.

I have always believed if my man didn't love or want me - well there are many others that would. He knew - I would never be a controlling or snoopy mate...I trust completely...but the door is right there...should he breach that trust.

My advice...you either trust when you love...or the future of the relationship looks bleak.

Give him his rope...if he hangs himself - you are better off without him. If he doesn't do anything to betray your trust, then it's all good.

As for other women wanting him, or chasing him...well they are like the bad drivers on the road. You cant avoid them all. They exist. Road rage doesn't help..lol!
Just be on your toes and give him his chance to prove you are the one he wants.

[ballhit2]

To me it sounds like you enjoy snooping, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. Unless that is you do things which you don't enjoy.

The simple fact that he isn't covering any tracks (that you CAN snoop in the first place) tells me that he's probably faithful.

This is all intuition though.

Anyway, you sound like you need someone who vibrates more on your own level. If he's God-given, well, then what are you, chopped vegan liver? You don't sound like you're on equal footing and it sounds mostly like that's your fault.

But hey, snooping is fun.

[TexasSky]

Originally Posted by Nimo

Hi,

Am in dire straits..sort of anyway.

I have a God-sent boyfriend but am so insecure in our relationship.. Am always going through his phone to check out pics and texts...I log into his email and facebook accounts to snoop and go thorugh every single detail (written, typed or otherwise) to check for 'evidence that he is cheating'.

He is a gentleman and very generous however, he gives what I consider 'too much attention' to his lady friends..he calls, meets and goes out with them (as friends). My problem with him is that he somehow never notices that some of these chics have a liking for him until I point it out. Usually, he'll disagree with me only to agree when the chic makes a move.

I keep telling him that chics (me included) mistake generosity for interest and that's enough a cue to move in for the kill. He never sees my point until its too late.

I do not doubt that he loves me or even that its me he wants to be with. I have no solid evidence that he has or is cheating but am fed up with fighting the chics off!!!

Chics are wired to fall in love or get seduced before a guy can say ' BEER', they follow him in droves.... that's what drives me to snoop!!! am tired of it and want to lay back and enjoy his love for me.. How can I do this without being distracted by all these chics?

How do I trust that they are just friends and nothing more without looking for evidence. BY the way, he knows I snoop (being caught many times), it hurts him and I want to stop but MY DILEMMA IS REAL!!

Please Help before I lose him...

Thanks Y'all.

I think women make this mistake often. I also think it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What you are communicating to him when you go through his phone, tell him that all these women are after him, etc., is, "I'm not good enough to hold you, and if I don't cut you off from all other women, you're going to wisen up and leave me."

And if you keep it up, you're going to convince him that you're right, that you aren't good enough to hold him.

Consider this:

1) Visiting you requires being ready to deal with being spied on, having his privacy invaded, and having to defend every female friendship he has. It requires constantly reassuring you, rather than enjoying your company.

2) Visiting other female friends requires relaxing and having a good time.

I'm not as young as the majority of the people on this forum. In fact, I may be the oldest person on this forum. I work with teenagers and college students all the time.

What I hear, quite often, from the males is that they break up with women that they otherwise adore because there was no longer any fun in the relationship.

I hear the following explainations for why they break up with women all the time.

"She always complained I didn't call enough. I' would have called a lot more if I didn't have to spend 2 hours on the phone explaining why I don't call more often."

"She doesn't trust me. I find that insulting. I didn't do anything to cause her to think I would be evil, why should she treat me like I'm evil?"

"She used to be fun, but now all she does is worry that I'll leave her."

"I got tired of having to reassure her that I love her. If she doesn't know it by now, she never will. I just gave up."

Would you want to spend time with a man who spied on you, faslely accused you, and was so insecure that every time you spoke to another man he thought you would leave him?

You're communicating that you're nothing. No guy wants to be with nothing.

Communicate self-confidence. Communicate that you're not worried about other women, because no other woman can compete with what you have to offer.