Embracing your sexuality

[Yellow]

I looked up the forum but didnt find anything similar so I am making this thread. Mods, please move the thread if its better suited somewhere else.

So, the title says it all. I think I am having difficulty embracing that I am a girl and a sexual being. I understand the reasons behind it (cultural, religious ect). I have grown to be pretty non-religious so none of that really matters to me. Also, like a lot of people, I dont want to let the society dictate the way I live my life. However, I am not sure how much I have succeeded in making that change in my life.

I am in my very first proper relationship with an awesome guy. He recently brought up issues regarding our sexual sides. I always thought I was comfortable with my sexuality but now it's difficult for me to admit it to him. I want to be completely okay with it all. I understand that this takes time but I dont like the idea of being uncomfortable with it. I have always been shy to admit any of this to even my girlfriends. I dont know what to do to be okay with it all. For once, it seems that typing it out to really nice strangers (:P) is helping me feel quite courageous. I was thinking to make another anonymous account, knowing my-awesome-guy frequents these forums, but then that would have defeated the purpose.

For some reason it seems to me that this might be a more common problem among girls as opposed to guys. So, how do people overcome this? Realize that they are sexual beings and learn to enjoy it?

I am thinking about the kind of responses I will get but whatever, shoot them.

[openeyes]

Excellent topic. People of all ages and genders can have issues with embracing their sexuality, so it's a very appropriate topic. The first site that came to mind as a recommendation was The-Clitoris.com ("A website dedicated to women's sexual pleasure, health, and happiness. The clitoris is the key to sexual pleasure for the majority of women. Only women are endowed with an organ that has no other purpose than to give them intense pleasure. A good understanding of the clitoris is essential to the sexual health and emotional happiness of women. This website has been created to provide a healthy and open forum for the discussion and dissemination of information about the clitoris, and female sexuality as a whole.").

Also, don't feel bad about being shy. It's totally natural and not exclusively female. I have a number of college friends that are still virgins, and some that have recently graduated still are. One of them is a lovely girl that just turned 23 today. My dad didn't really start dating until his early to mid 20s. I personally started very early, but everyone has their own timing. There's no rush. With you being so proactive in starting this thread, I think you have a better chance at learning to feel good about whatever you end up doing than a lot of people, particularly those not into personal development.

[moviestar]

For some reason it seems to me that this might be a more common problem among girls as opposed to guys.

Oh not true. You would be surprised how many guys have problems with their sexuality. The best way to see if someone is accepting their sexuality is by the way they dress and look.
A guy that is not aware of his sexuality typically dresses like a nerd. A guy that is aware will dress more fashionable, his clothes will be well-fit.
A woman that is not aware of her sexuality will wear baggy clothes, lots of material, will try to cover herself up. On the other hand a sexy woman is a woman that gives exposure to her attractive body parts.
The key here is displaying your sexual parts. A guy might wear too small clothes to show off his muscles. A girl might wear a short skirt to show her legs.
Given this you may start looking around and noticing how many people have problems with their sexuality.
And this is sad because we are basically and fundamentally SEXUAL BEINGS. You cannot skip that.

So first you must be aware of your false beliefs about sex and sexuality. Start noticing them and start questioning them. Try to find articles and books that might change the way you look at sex. Maybe watch a few porn movies, try identifying what beliefs are showing up while you are watching. Maybe you think that the women in the movies don't have pleasure from it, well think again.

[ZenFender]

^^^Now now, I don't think it would be fair to stereotype everyone into categories like that. Although I must admit, probably 95% of the time, those observations are correct- but haven't you heard of the old college advice: "Good/nice girls are wild in bed"?

As a pretty open person, I have trouble figuring out what exactly being "uncomfortable about your sexuality" involves. Does it mean you don't want others to know you like sex? Or is it something more subtle like you don't want to appear femenine due to shame or embarassment.

When I was a kid, I always thought sex was some kind of forbidden fruit, like a holy grail of the dark side. But as time went on, I've realised sex was no big deal- its sorta like a massage between two people (but obviously, much better). Why so much stigma attached to it? No clue. But thats just me =P

[Jill]

A woman that is not aware of her sexuality will wear baggy clothes, lots of material, will try to cover herself up.

Nope. Not true. Just because a woman doesn't want to flaunt it doesn't mean she's not very much aware of her sexuality. She may simply prefer to only show it in more appropriate (private!) situations.

[smallstar]

Originally Posted by Jill

Nope. Not true. Just because a woman doesn't want to flaunt it doesn't mean she's not very much aware of her sexuality. She may simply prefer to only show it in more appropriate (private!) situations.

Yes. If I had to name one thing what makes a female sexual, that would be her stance - the way she stands and walks. (However, the clothes shouldn't be so baggy that they hide the stance...)

[Dharma]

Yellow, you've said you're uncomfortable with your sexuality, but really haven't gone into what you're uncomfortable with or how your feel when you notice these things.

Please give an occurrance where you experienced un-ease in yourself regarding sex. Send a PM if you think its embarrassing.

[RT Wolf]

It sounds a little like you feel uncomfortable communicating with other people about your sexuality. The larger issue may still be full acceptance of yourself as a sexual being, however a part of it sounds like it might be about communication.

I used to be pretty shy about this stuff (still am, to an extent), but I was able to push out my comfort zone by becoming friends with a sex ed instructor, who was very open about that sort of stuff (without being vulgar, which many guys can be). Another thing that paradoxically helped me was to watch tv shows which are open about sexuality. While many shows do that, I've found Coupling to be a great one without being totally vulgar or vague. It's funny as hell, too, so that definitely helps. Basically, by being exposed to others talking about sexuality, you feel more comfortable talking about it yourself. Readings books about sexuality might help, too.

I'm kinda reminded of my high school sex ed class, when the teacher made us all chant "Penis" and "Vagina" a few times so we'd be comfortable with saying things like that.

As for accepting yourself as a sexual being, I'd imagine more knowledge might help. Picking up a few books and/or checking the internet (like that site an earlier poster linked) might help. Exploring and becoming comfortable with your own body and your own sexuality by yourself, might also help. Others probably have better insights into this issue.

Like the above poster has said, it might help if you were more specific about what exactly was bothering you, if you feel comfortable with revealing that.

[C33]

... I believe it is a subject that is worth exploring.

You might find support in doing research about the Sacred Feminine. Most information and access to information about sexuality are from the male point of view, so are most movies.

It takes time to take away the programming of culture and society about what a sexual woman is supposed to be/act like etc etc...We are bombarded with the spectacle of the dichotomy of virgin/whore or mother/ whore ( see Britney Spears and the Virgin/Whore images she has been projecting for years).

Women do not only have to claim their sexuality but most of the time they have to reclaim it from a society that uses images of women to sell everything.

There are as many sexualities as there are people and you will find the best , most comfortable and uplifing way to express it, on your own terms, with self respect and the respect for others.

[Baltar]

Originally Posted by moviestar

A guy that is not aware of his sexuality typically dresses like a nerd. A guy that is aware will dress more fashionable, his clothes will be well-fit
.......
A guy might wear too small clothes to show off his muscles.

So are you saying that nerds are not sexual? Or that men without big muscles aren't sexual? Making quite a lot of assumptions there. Dressing well says more about a person's self-esteem than their sexuality. Muscles may suggest that the guy is in good shape, but not everyone is genetically predisposed to grow big guns.

[moviestar]

So are you saying that nerds are not sexual?

Yes. The whole purpose of nerd clothing is just to have something to wear. Nerds are not aware of themselves as sexual creatures. I know that because I was one myself .

Or that men without big muscles aren't sexual?

I didn't say big muscles. Just any muscles, a decent shape. If you look like a woman or like a pig you're not a man, do you know what I mean?

[smallstar]

Originally Posted by moviestar

Yes. The whole purpose of nerd clothing is just to have something to wear. Nerds are not aware of themselves as sexual creatures. I know that because I was one myself .

In the 'Nerd' state of mind, clothing does not carry any significance. In this, the archetypal nerd resembles the humble medieval monk, always putting the needs of the mind before the needs of the body, spirit over flesh. Investing in clothing, especially sexual clothing, is frowned upon, since it distracts you from more important things (and in almost-all-male circles, it does not pay off very well anyway, unless you are gay).

What I disagree with you is the "un-awareness" thing. When I spend time with my fianceé, I'm very conscious of my sexuality (and she usually forces me to dress accordingly ), but when I retreat to my more nerdish hobbies, I choose to ignore it on purpose - there is no need for me to flaunt on the RPG group I've known for years, with nerdish women or not.

I think it would be stressing to always focus on being sexually aware... better let it rest sometimes.

[Lallymac]

If you just want sex then dress for sex but hey what about the rest? We are intelligent beings, spiritual beings, as well. Personally I'd walk past the spunked up, ego driven hot rod, who moves on once he's got what he wants, for a guy who took his time, could see past himself, was comfortably dressed, comfortable with himself, has his own mind, is genuinely interested in me as person, is open, honest, has personal integrity and able to laugh at himself.
Lallymac

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by Lallymac

If you just want sex then dress for sex but hey what about the rest? We are intelligent beings, spiritual beings, as well. Personally I'd walk past the spunked up, ego driven hot rod, who moves on once he's got what he wants, for a guy who took his time, could see past himself, was comfortably dressed, comfortable with himself, has his own mind, is genuinely interested in me as person, is open, honest, has personal integrity and able to laugh at himself.
Lallymac

I dont want sex. I am not talking about the physical aspect of it rather being able to accept it to yourself and others that you like the feelings that romantic relationships can bring, including sexual desires.

I see now, its more of a communication problem.

Also, I agree with the person who said dressing a certain way indicates where you hold your esteem (that too, not always) rather than sexuality.

Hmm, I am getting interested in sexuality and societies, believes about it and psychological affects on individuals.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Yellow

I think I am having difficulty embracing that I am a girl and a sexual being. I understand the reasons behind it (cultural, religious ect). I have grown to be pretty non-religious so none of that really matters to me. Also, like a lot of people, I dont want to let the society dictate the way I live my life. However, I am not sure how much I have succeeded in making that change in my life.

I am in my very first proper relationship with an awesome guy. He recently brought up issues regarding our sexual sides. I always thought I was comfortable with my sexuality but now it's difficult for me to admit it to him. I want to be completely okay with it all. I understand that this takes time but I dont like the idea of being uncomfortable with it. I have always been shy to admit any of this to even my girlfriends. I dont know what to do to be okay with it all. For once, it seems that typing it out to really nice strangers (:P) is helping me feel quite courageous.

I think I know what you mean. Thanks to my upbringing, I had tons and tons of sexual hangups. Good friends and a compassionate lover help a lot, I think.

For example, I realized how stupid it was to be embarrassed about masturbation when my friends and I, as teenagers, did a late-night "admit what you're most ashamed of" roundtable. It was basically a way for our one friend to come out to us that he was gay. It was pretty funny, we all just laughed and said, "Duh! We knew that." Then it got to me, and I could hardly even say my shame. I said, "I masturbated, once" and they all laughed again and said, "You mean that's ALL? Heck, we do it ten times a day" or whatever.

I also had the benefit of having some really raunchy buddies in high school, so I think that helped, too. They were perfectly nonjudgemental while still being able to make fun of and talk about just about anything.

My boyfriend was always really compassionate with me and my sexuality, too. He's always been wonderful about helping me challenge my hang-ups without feeling pushed into doing things I don't want to do, which really helped me grow as a person (seeing as my sexual development was so stunted in comparison to where I was at in other aspects of my personal development). And you're right, a lot of it is simply about communication, from not clamming up when you're talking about what feels good and what doesn't, to talking dirty every now and again.

So I'd say I went from being a prude to feeling very free in my sexuality!

Another thing that always helps me in any subject is immersing myself in it however I can. When I was going through the whole should-I-lose-my-virginity bit (why do you have to use the negative anyway? why can't you say "gain a sex life" over "lose virginity"?), I read a great book, a collection of stories of 50-100 women's first sexual encounters. It made it less scary, and made it easier to identify with having those sorts of feelings myself and being okay with it. When I was struggling with the idea of the victimization of women's sexuality, I randomly ended up going to a strip club with my brother, one of his guy friends, and one of his girl friends. I also joined an online forum for exotic dancers to learn even more about it.

I also think it would be cool to host/attend one of those adult toy parties, like a tupperware party only with adult toys. If that's not a good way to get comfortable with sex around your closest friends, I don't know what is!

[moviestar]

I said, "I masturbated, once" and they all laughed again and said, "You mean that's ALL? Heck, we do it ten times a day" or whatever.

Yeah exactly! I too used to think it was my deepest secret but then I discovered that everyone masturbates even more than me, even your mom does it!
One of the biggest life lessons for me was understanding that our deepest most secrets are the things that are most common for all people. The problems you think only you have and that somehow you are wierd and don't fit are really common for everyone. You just don't know it because everyone keeps it a secret.

[Dave Kaminski]

Originally Posted by Jill

Nope. Not true. Just because a woman doesn't want to flaunt it doesn't mean she's not very much aware of her sexuality. She may simply prefer to only show it in more appropriate (private!) situations.

I actually appreciate that in a woman, not necessarily dressing sloppily, but being conservative unless the time is right. I believe "Ludacris" has something to say about that (lady in the streets)

[BlakeL50]

Whenever I have a deep feeling of insecurity about somthing, especially my sexuality, it pays to remember that these personal thoughts are often very universal. If you go as far as to realise this, then you will start to recognize similar feelings in everyone.

I've no clue how this could exactly help you, there is a documentary I watched recently called Bodysong. It has some explicit footage, might help shed some light on your idea.

[Epistis]

Well, one of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show Scrubs is:

"Maybe the dirty little secret about sex is...it's not really that dirty"

Unfortunately, that's all I have to offer at this time.

[Michael Chui]

Sex isn't dirty, last I checked. I guess you could get some dirt, maybe water it into mud, and start flinging it beforehand as foreplay. But, you know... just... bleh, whatever you like, man.

I also agree with Dave in that women who dress stylishly (which isn't the same as fashionably: something I would know nothing of) are remarkably attractive. The consciousness with which they express their sexuality isn't really important at all.

It is one thing to accept your sexuality. It is quite another to express it. To draw an analogy, I can accept that I'm of Chinese descent, but it's a completely different matter to go around reminding people of it.

So, to Yellow herself, I'd say that if you trust this guy, which I think you do, then ask him to help you explore. Play around with things, see what you like, what you don't like, and just push at your limits until it seems right. It's like eating a new cuisine.