Sister and I just had a fight.

[miamarcakis]

I am 24 and my sister is 22. Her and I lead EXTREMELY different lives. I'm the oldest, and have always been the responsible one. (how typical!)
I am engaged and have a long term relationship (going on 7 years) and she is the wild child who is in and out of relationships, likes to party, etc.

I have been having problems with her lately, as I feel like she is turning into this different person from who I believe she is/was. She is talking about taking trips that random men who she has befriended are offering her, this one man in particular who is offering to fly her down to San Diego and do all of this stuff for her. I believe she is just setting herself up in a bad situation.

I told her tonight that it bothers me that she would even consider taking that guy up on his offer, and that she is always taking anything she can from my father (she is an ultimate daddy's girl and my dad cannot say no to her every wish) and from anyone else she can get something from. She has an unhealthy idea of what reality is, she has rarely done anything for herself and I told her I feel like she is lazy and is okay with just getting things for free in life.

This obviously didn't go over well with her, and she proceeded to tell me that she thinks Im judging her, which I am, and that she doesn't want to confide in me anymore. I asked her if she would be willing to go to a few counselling sessions (this is hard as we live in different provinces) but if she was willing, I would set up at least one. But she wasn'tinterested.

I guess what I'm wanting some advice with, is how I can go about getting myself and her on board to heal our relationship and what steps I can take to get the ball rolling. I feel so disconnected from her and I want to have a great relationship, but I feel so resentful towards her from not wanting to do something for herself. I dont want her to wake up one day, beaten down from the reality of bad choices and youth gone away with nothing to show for her life. I know you are supposed to let people fall and make their own mistakes, but I find it hard to just be an ear for her, when I want to scream at her "STOP MAKING BAD CHOICES AND STUPID MISTAKES!!"

[ssandra]

Step 1. Stop judging her

Step 2. Stop blaming her for things you never had or didn´t do

Step 3. Offer your opinion about bad decisions without judging her (not: This is stupid, but I don´t think this might be a good idea because...).

I feel you have a lot of resentment towards her because you feel you always had to be the responsable one while she could just party and do whatever she wanted.
Realise that you decisions are not her responsability.

Be happy for her that she has an easier life and that she has friends who are willing to do things for her and pay things for her.

[spirit4711]

You are concerned for her, and it's ok to share that concern with her.

What doesn't work (she's giving you that feedback!) is judging her and what she does. It is her life, and what she does with it is up to her.

So what can you do? You can share with her how important she is to you. How it makes you feel when she's doing something that may be dangerous (side note: it MAY be dangerous. It's not a fact that it WILL be dangerous). Ask her what she really wants to to and be in her life, and support her in that. Even if she wants to be a party girl all her life! Ask her support for your goals.

Oh, and apologize big time. A dinner at least . Maybe your father could join too, make it a family happening!

[ns123]

If you want a relationship with your sister, say goodbye to the "right" and "wrong" way to live. She may not want a long term relationship or to be like you.

So what if she's gets stuff for free? So what if she always gets what she wants by not working for it? I'd say, stay out of it. If her unhealthy view of reality is working for her, and only she can determine this, drop it. So what if you don't agree with her view, who says you have to?

If you are concerned about her safety, you can say something like this:

"It sounds like a generous offer he's giving you. What I am concerned about is what if it doesn't work out? It sounds like an unsafe situation that could end badly. It would ease my fears if you would send me your itinerary, the number of where you are staying, and allow me to call you periodically. I just want to make sure you are safe. And if you ever feel anything is amiss, please let me know, and I'll do whatever I can to help you, ok?"

If you are concerned about her safety, talk about just that, with love.

I have the same relationship with my own siblings, who I still feel are hellishly "messed up." But our relationship improved when I started letting to of the belief that there is a "right" and "wrong" way to live. I let go of the "you should this" in my life. Yes, I still judge, how can I not? But I also accept and listen to what it is that he wants. And support him in getting it.

[Manomanman]

Dittos on what everybody is saying.

If she wants to lead the typical American lifestyle, that's her problem to deal with (especially when she gets older and loses her looks).

[Manomanman]

Make sure you emphasize that one day she'll be old and wrinkly and that it's going to be very painful if she doesn't mentally prepare for this eventuality.

After you say that, let her stew on it and tell her you don't care what happens to her anymore, b/c it's her life and only she can learn from her own mistakes.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Make sure you emphasize that one day she'll be old and wrinkly and that it's going to be very painful if she doesn't mentally prepare for this eventuality.
...

Won't work. It's like telling your kids they shouldn't start smoking because it's bad for them. Also you're stressing negative consequences and usually not many people are open to hear that. You'll be considered the messenger of bad news, in ancient times those people got killed. Nowadays you'll only create resentment, anger etc.

[tintin]

whats worrisome is that in this clash of egos she might completely ignore her intuition just to prove you wrong.
your worry is genuine.but its tinged with jealousy of how easy she has had it.
if you had been aware of this you could have put your personal issues aside but seems they spilled over into your message of concern.

i think it still can be brought back to your original intention provided there is some work done on your resentment towards her

your whole warning has gotten lost in the skirmish.
which defeats the point.
ultimately you might have to respect that she has her own life and can and will make her own decisions.you think shes a kid? just look at her! shes smart enough to get what she wants!
learn to assert yourself as she does..learn from her. and then maybe she will learn from you.

[tintin]

this is coming from a wild child . and i know what it feels like to be cornered by the stern gaze of an older sibling.

why are their such differences between them? well if we look at soul groups n such i would say to learn a different pov instead of trying to impose yours.
its all about expanding your mindset

i may be generalizing here but this is what ive found-

.ive seen the older children usually mould right into the current family settings with a high need for approval .mostly NOT going against the flow and sticking to the tried and tested.highly pressurized,very focused,ambitious dependable(in other words just as their parents designed them to be)

and the brats ,well they are the 'changers' that's why they are called problem children...they come to create balance.if the family is too disciplined they will break the time table,if it is too serious they'll become the clowns.
the sad thing is its the wild child who will be pointed out..taken to shrinks,taught anger management,labeled the black sheep because every action is designed to break down the existing setup so are easily visible as opposed to the 'hero' (the child who is well put together,strong and usually silent with very clear dos and donts)

in order to have a healthy relp going it would be essential to drop the big sis stance ..the 'i know better' thing and she would have to drop the defenses and the rebel act, face the fear that she will be swallowed whole by her virtuous sister and see that behind all the bravado she is just a poor image by comparison.

ahh im going to send this to my bro

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Won't work. It's like telling your kids they shouldn't start smoking because it's bad for them. Also you're stressing negative consequences and usually not many people are open to hear that. You'll be considered the messenger of bad news, in ancient times those people got killed. Nowadays you'll only create resentment, anger etc.

The point isn't for it to "work". The point is to get the monkey off YOUR back, and provide a very strong mental image that she can replay in her head when things start going bad for her down the road, so that she'll come to some understanding of her situation. People do react to heuristics, if they're given sufficient time to stew.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

The point isn't for it to "work".
...

Read again. In the original post Miamarcakis is stating what doesn't work. That's the point.

I understand your strategy. I've seen too many cases where that fails, so I use another one.

Miamarcakis, what have you done since you posted this? Status update, please!

[miamarcakis]

Well, that night, I mulled over everything that was said, I also looked online for more resources on how to start healing etc, so I wrote her a letter.

I was going to send it the next day, but she ended up texting me before I got to the post office and she said "I want my sister back" so that told me she was at least willing to be open to at least talking.

I called her and read her my letter and she said she'd think aboutwhat I said and write me one back too. I'm still waiting to hear back from her about her letter, but since then, she's phoned me to just chat about whatever, nothing important.

I've read some really nice replies. Thank you all for them. Although it is hard to get the whole story out on one page/paragraph, and some peoples interpretation of our relationship is different than it really is, I still appreiate everyone's input.

I realize that she has no responsiblities, and that she doesn't feel like taking any. I talked to my dad and he is going to stop funding her '♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥' as he called it. So that is nice to hear. I think her whole life (and this could be coming from a resentful place, but mostly just fet up) has just been one big selfish dream. She lives in a fake reality. I can see that very clearly by the way she thinks my dad will continue to fund her lavish lifestyle, and I truly believe that the sooner she realizes that shes not Paris Hilton, the better for everyone.

That being said...I think Im gonna try and get us into counselling. Ill keep posted...