His attraction is fading, is it over?

[silvercherry]

Alright this is my first post here, I found this great forum as I was looking for info to help in my current relationship.

Heres the deal and sorry for the long one: I have been with my boyfriend for two years, we live together since last year and (i thought) all's been going really well. We laugh a lot together, share common interests and learn from our differences, all that kind of stuff. We have been planning a future together too. We live in the UK but both come from a different country. For a while now, we have been talking about moving to his country of origin for a few years and then maybe try mine if we feel like it. I know he cant stand the UK any more and I dont mind a change, we have always been great travellers both of us. We have talked about marriage and kids, even though we only brush on the subject from time to time in a kind of "wed like that but we're not there yet and we want to travel, party, make love when we want to". In other words, I feel we are committed to each other but know we're young enough not to settle down in the traditional sense yet.

Then a few days ago, we were discussing me quitting my job here and finding a new one in his country. I was saying i was a bit scared but it would all work out ok i was sure. Then he told me i didnt have to come with him, which was a shock, i never heard him speak like this before. From there, a lot of hurtful things came out of his mouth. That he didnt want me to "follow" him just because i loved him, that he felt he couldnt give me what i wanted in the future (ie a family), that maybe i shouldnt be wasting my time with him and find someone else.

All the while i just sat there in shock, waiting but unable to cry. This man was such a different person from the one i know. I tried to remember whether i imagined the things we discussed, but i didnt. I remembered all we discussed, all that HE said to me - how he wanted marble tiles in our new bathroom, how hed be the one waking up early to feed the kids, how he showed me the shortlist of flats we could buy...etc.

The only thing i could think was that all this didnt make sense. Then i asked him, trembling, whether he loved me. He said he liked me very much, he cared about me, he respected me but wasnt sure if it was love. He used to think it was but had been having doubts for a few weeks now. He says he doesnt want me to meet someone else, that he doesnt want to meet someone else either. He wants us to stay together but he said something was missing.

I just couldnt figure out what until he said that sometimes he has desires towards other women and that scares him. That he used to want only me but now there is an attraction to other women that worries him. He would never act on it, he doesnt see being unfaithful as an option at all. He has been cheated on in the past and would never do it to someone else.

Anyway him saying that lead him to drop the bomb by saying that he wasnt attracted to me any more. That was why he thought it wasnt love. He loves my personality,he deeply cares about me, he wants to be with me, but he doesnt want me any more. I need to add at this point that we still make love, healthily, 3-4 times a week. He acknowledged that but said he needed more (excitement, passion, desire).

I had been worried about this for a while myself. Im not exactly the most attractive girl you could meet. I have a pretty face and really scrub up well but i forget to take care of myself a lot of the time. Hair, nails, make up, clothes, and above all weight management are something id like to do, i just forget. So yes, i am overweight, i outweigh him by 30lbs, always have. He says it didnt use to bother him because he likes me so much but that it counts now to keep the spark alive. I always thought he didnt mind, or even liked it somehow, how blind i have been! He also said it makes him feel very small in comparison to me which i dont know if it has an incidence on his virility (?).

I really want to make this work and so does he. He afterwards told me that a lot of the things he told in our first row were untrue, that he was trying to be the "ba****d" so i would hate him and he wouldnt have to tell me the real reason. He knows im a bit touchy about my weight and thought i might not understand / be able to change. But i want to, for him, but also for myself coz i want to feel better about myself and love myself more. He has been helping me since, buying nice pieces of fruits, taking me out to exercise and stuff, without making it to obvious...

What strikes me though is that it seems such an easy answer. He doesnt fancy/desires/wants me any more and thats all it takes him to think he doesnt love me any more? Which is why i am unloading all this on this site to have the opinion of men. I dont have male friends so it would help. I have read on another post from TC33 that all men want a good looking woman. So maybe the loss in sexual attraction can be the cause for a break up?

[TheColonel]

Give him plenty of space and don't cling. That'll just make things worse. Step back and look at the situation objectively. How does he make you feel? After seeing this new side of him, can you ever be completely trusting of him?

There's plenty more sharks in the sea...

[Dating Specialist]

To keep the sparks alive, it means to continue the "in love" feeling, you need to maintain the attraction, that's right.

Ask him what is it about the other women (whom he was attracted to) attracts him?

Not every man goes for a hour-glass figure. Some are attracted by the girl's energy, intelligence, EQ, passion in life, kind heartedness etc etc. You have to find out what attracts him before you can work on increasing that particular department to up your attraction quotient.

But then, is this really the crux of the problem? I admit that to maintain a relationship you need to keep the attraction going.

At the same time, could it be that his love tank isn't filled that's why he's feeling attracted to others? Maybe you can ask him what is it that you do that will make him feel loved? That will fulfill his emotional need?

Each of us has a different view towards feeling loved. For example, you may feel loved when he says something nice about you, or thank you for that nice meal you made for him. But he may feel love in a different way, like you making effort to do something for him like dressing up, or appreciating him etc.

If he can get enough of that feelings from you, chances of him getting attracted to others should be very much reduced.

Hope this helps silvercherry...

And welcome to this forum! I'm sure you will enjoy your stay here, like all of us

[kthdsn]

I would suggest taking the ball back into your own court. Don't wait around for him to decide how he feels before you decide what to do. You should choose to take some action that would make you feel better without him, go stay with a friend for a fun weekend or something.

It is very hard to see the truth about a situation when you are involved in it. Give yourself a little space and you will feel a lot clearer about what is going on and what you want to do next.

If you feel insecure because of the things he's saying to you, your decisions will be clouded by that insecurity. I would definitely not leave your job and plan your move while you are feeling unsure. Don't let him push you into anything.

The most important thing you can do though is to find something without him that makes you feel good. Whatever happens with the relationship, you need to feel good about yourself.

I hope things work out for you.

[Dan.Linehan]

I feel really bad about your situation, first off. You are handling things very well, very logically, and not letting any negativity get the best of you, so that's a huge deal just by itself.

I had a long relationship that ended because my partner was not willing to make changes that were needed for us to move forward. Basically, he hated his job, and I mean he really hated it, it was a restaurant management gig, 55-60 hours a week for not a lot of money, but he just wouldn't leave.

Of course, being his partner, and seeing this as an obvious dead end, I wanted him to find other work that didn't consume his life, or even if it did, it consumed him because he loved it.

But he wasn't willing to make that change... and we ended up breaking up over it after 5 years. I don't think it's ethical to hate your work every day, you know?

But I learned a couple things from this:

1. Willingness is a huge deal. He never even showed me he cared enough to get a resume together or talk to me about the issue in any real depth. If he had just been *willing* to so any work towards finding a better career if would have been a huge deal to me. So, be *willing* to make some changes if you want this relationship to work.

2. Long term, we weren't good together anyway. It has taken me over a year to realize this, but it's true, my life is so much better now than it was with him. Don't underestimate your own potential, and how mch energy being in a relationship takes up. I don't think from what you wrote that it's a bad relationship, but just be open to the possibility. He should want to get married (or whatever) just as much as you do. And it doesn't mean its *over* if you two aren't going to be life partners, but keep in mind you can have a great relationship and still not be marriage material.

So... with those things in mind. If the real root of the problem is your weight, which you seem to have isolated everything going back to that (nice sleuthing!) I would just start working out for an hour a day. Don't count calories or go overboard with anything, but do make that commitment. An hour a day for your health and self esteem is worth it regardless. Jog, work on your core, do yoga, whatever, but do it every day, and that's your willingness. That's your willingness to make the relationship work. And let him know up front that you've commited to doing that for yourself and for him, and for a better relationship. His reaction will say a lot, if you can see a huge weight has been lifted from him over the first few weeks you are getting in shape, you'll know that really was the issue.

And if that doesn't work, if there is still a commitment issue on his end, there's no need to get angry about it, it's probably just a good indicator that this isn't the marriage that you really want, even if it seems like it is at the moment.

Hope this helps some, and all the best,

[Cron]

I've seen a number of articles in magazines the past two years that scientists believe that they are begining to discover that there is a biochemistry of love.

A number of articles have said that romantic love......the feeling of being head over heels in love, passion, etc only lasts about a year. After that people shift gears into another kind of love.

I guess this is why it makes sense to partner up with "your best friend".....somebody you would enjoy living with apart from any sexuality.

I only mention this because you BF did not have a problem with your weight for a long time.

Good luck. I know there are a lot of useful things to be said, but that you will still have to live with unpleasant feelings for a while.

I've been dealing with some ************ since last week so I can relate.

[Lychee]

Feelings change over time. The spark does leave after 1.5-2 years. The romantic love passes and it is replaced by compassionate love. That isn't to say romantic love does not exist anymore, but that stage of love has already been passed and now it's at another level. A lot of people don't recognize this and immediately think that the love is gone, but I think it's just love transformed. You have to want to look for reasons to be with the person to keep the relationship afloat. If you've been as you were since the beginning of the relationship (stable in all aspects), then the only thing that must have changed is his perception of you.

I believe that you should never try to change a person. If you are comfortable the way you are, then let it stay at that. However, if you are willing to make a few adjustments, then it might make him see another part of you he finds attractive and make you feel better in the process. Looks are important, but he's been ok with you for this long, why the sudden change of heart? The wrinkles and aged skin will form sooner or later if you do live long enough...

But I wonder - will he stay stuff like this every 2 years or when things/feelings change? Are you sure he isn't just bored with you? Is he mature enough to recognize shifts in relationships and be flexible enough to work with them? Would he make a reliable husband and father?

[elainevdw]

First of all, don't assume that your boyfriend even knows what he's talking about. If you take everything he says literally, it's really going to hurt. In reality, I would bet that he's really stressed and confused, and when he was talking to you, he was trying to define what he was feeling for himself more than he was trying to define it for you. Or, maybe he knew what he was trying to say but it came out all wrong. That happens all the time. Why else would books like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus be so popular?

After a number of years, what used to be really exciting can lose its flavor, and maybe your boyfriend is misinterpreting/misdescribing a desire for diversity in your sex life together as him not being attracted to you anymore. I'm sure some people find that difficult to distinguish, though they're obviously different things, and he went about explaining it all wrong. From what you say, you have a pretty healthy sex life, so I honestly doubt that he's not attracted to you at all. If all he wants is something fun and different, that can be achieved in a whole lot of ways, and it can be fun trying new things out!

Also, realize how stressful it is for him thinking that this awesome girl is willing to leave her life, career, and friends where you're living right now to move to a different country with him. And appreciate the fact that he wants you to be as happy and independent as you could possibly be. He's thinking that he has to provide all of these things for you if you go with him -- what a responsibility, especially since you two are still in your freedom phase! That's the sort of commitment you see from people who already pledged to spend their lives together. Perhaps it would help to reassure him that you're an intelligent woman who's making a decision for herself, and even though it's scary, you're looking forward to the challenge. And if it doesn't work out for you, you can always move back home, either maintaining a long-distance relationship, or not -- whatever the situation calls for. Even though you see yourselves together for a very, very long time, as an adult, I'm sure you also realize that nothing in life is guaranteed. You both are responsible for your own happiness, and that won't change just because you both get a Visa in Spain, or whatever.

All this stress might have blown the whole attractiveness thing out of proportion, in fact. Sometimes, when someone is stressed about one thing, they take some tiny little detail about something else and let it consume them. And, when a guy is really stressed, yeah, it can also throw his sex life for a loop.

The big problem with being in a committed, long term relationship when you're young is that these various life stresses come and go and can really wreak havoc on the two of you until everything settles down, and you enter that period where you know where you want to live, what you want to do for a living, what it's going to take to be content and happy in life. You know, the point where some people decide they want a mortgage, wedding ring, kids and a dog. You probably have a roller coaster ride ahead of you, but it sounds like you both trust each other and are willing to communicate about serious issues -- even if they come out wrong.

Just don't get into the trap of believing that things are your fault. By doing so, you're taking a huge responsibility, where you believe that you can single-handedly fix all the problems in your relationship. This isn't the case. Just be patient and try not to automatically jump to the conclusion that things are your fault, even if it sounds like he's painting them out to be that way. As your relationship matures, you'll start to recognize the way stress makes him act. And unfortunately, stress makes some people act out in really confusing ways.

Good luck.

[moviestar]

So yes, i am overweight, i outweigh him by 30lbs, always have.

For some reason while I was reading your post I thought you were overweight. Have you always been? How did you look like when you first met? Did you take care of yourself, wear make up, nice clothes? That's what he wanted and that's what he wants now.

[aznandyboi]

Great response elainevdw, very well said. Most of the times I can't find the right words to express what I am feeling and it comes out all wrong. You can't take his words literally; he is probably very confused himself. And from a guy's perspective, don't cling on to him. Doing so will just put more pressure on him. I haven't been in such a situation myself so I can't speak from experience, but most of the times people realize how important and great something is after its been lost.

[Velvet]

This probably isn't very productive, spiritual, or practical, but your boyfriend sounds like a dick. If I were you, I'd dump him, maybe go lose some weight for your own health and well-being and self-esteem, and then when he comes crawling back tell him you only want to date guys who accept you as you are.

As the great Wayne/Jayne County sang, "If you don't want to ************ me, baby, then ************ off!"

[mtrimpe]

Your post reminded me of setting my new signature.
It's best thing to say to anyone that wants anything.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

Your post reminded me of setting my new signature.
It's best thing to say to anyone that wants anything.

You mean when someone says something like "I want to see other people?"

I agree!

And I don't mean it in a manipulative or snarky way, but, like, "If that's what you really want, go for it, and let me go for what I want."

[mtrimpe]

Exactly!

It's like knowing as a father that your child would be happiest going to college. If your child then says: "I want to become a singer!", are you going to deny him the right to follow that passion (or whim) or are you going to say: "Sure, go do it!" and support him in his goals of becoming a singer and then once, if, he comes back on his decision and decides to go to college, support him equally in that and say: "Sure, go do it!"

True love is being able to let go. I can also recall some story in the bible that mentions welcoming the return of the prodigal son or something.

Damn, I think I might be becoming a religious fanatic! That's the second time I've referred to the bible today.

Oh yeah, Dan, on the don't count calories thing. What's up with that? Do you think it's good advice to tell someone who wants to get out of debt not to keep any records of what he spends but just to work harder and make more money??

[Trina]

Originally Posted by Velvet

This probably isn't very productive, spiritual, or practical, but your boyfriend sounds like a dick. If I were you, I'd dump him, maybe go lose some weight for your own health and well-being and self-esteem, and then when he comes crawling back tell him you only want to date guys who accept you as you are.

As the great Wayne/Jayne County sang, "If you don't want to ************ me, baby, then ************ off!"

I agree with this. If your weight is why he isn't attracted to you, then he doesn't love you and you should move on. If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU, not for him. I have gained and lost and gained and lost and I am FAR from a super model, or even a not so super model, but my husband finds me beautiful no matter what because HE LOVES ME. That is what you deserve. Don't waste your time trying to please a man that isn't focusing on the right things to begin with. I could see if maybe you gained 300 lbs and had such a grossly massive change to your appearance that you don't look like the same person at all, then not being attracted to you anymore is to be expected, but somehow I doubt that's the case.

JMHO.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

Oh yeah, Dan, on the don't count calories thing. What's up with that? Do you think it's good advice to tell someone who wants to get out of debt not to keep any records of what he spends but just to work harder and make more money??

Counting calories wouldn't be nearly as effective in this scenario as simply working out daily, IMO. Maybe after a year of working out daily and not seeing decent results. Even then, a different routine would probably be better.

She didn't get on here to ask about her diet anyway... my point is that becoming health obsessed is not a requistite... she just needs to show willingness to work on the things he may care about. And vice-versa.

[Angela]

He says "something's missing" -- excitement, passion, desire. You say "I forget to take care of myself a lot of the time." I say "what a killer of excitement, passion, and desire it is, not to take care of yourself a lot of the time."

If you're in a relationship, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself all the time. What a drag to be with someone who doesn't take care of herself! The implication is that he'll be stuck taking care of you eventually. You surely don't mean for that to happen, but a person who maintains her own vitality and well-being (not to mention appropriate weight and scrub-up-itude) is far more alluring than one who does not.

You are the Queen of 2007 -- treat yourself thusly.