Personal Development for Smart People Forums

This is the second article in "Things You Don't Talk About at the Dinner Table", a series about how to create a climate of openness and connection, where anything and everything can be discussed.

Watch This First

Violet knows the power of shutting up. By simply not saying anything, she was able to reach Dwayne on a level that no one else could. You too can learn to Shut Up, and experience all the benefits that go with it.

I want to go a little more in depth into what happened in this scene, because I think understadning what's happening here vital to understanding the concept of shutting up, and why it's so important.

We essentially have three different reactions to Dwayne's meltdown. The first is the father, who's concerned about how dwaynes meltdown is going to affect him. Then there's the mother, who feels sorry for Dwayne. Then there's Violet... who shuts up.

The Obvious Problem With Dad's Reaction
We'll start with the dad, cause it's just so easy. The Dad isn't considering Dwaynes feelings in the least. He's only worried about himself. Obviously, rather than creating an environment in which dwayne feels safe, he's increasing the likelihood that Dwayne will feel misunderstood and disillusioned about sharing his feelings.

The Not So Obvious Problem With Mom's Reaction
The mom seemed to do a little bit better. She was definitely conscious of Dwayne's feelings. But the problem wasn't that she wasn't aware of his feelings, it was that she was more concerned with HER feelings than his own. Notice the first words that came out of her mouth: "Dwayne honey, I'm sorry." I'm sorry. Do you think, that in that moment, when his dreams have just been crushed, Dwayne gives a DAMN how his mother feels about it?

By having to add her own opinion, his mother is sending a subtle message that his own feelings are less valid. By deeming him worthy of sympathy, she's placing herself ABOVE him. Just like the father's approach, this causes Dwayne to feel unsafe in his feelings, and lash out.

Why Violet Got it Just Right
So, what made Violet so effective? First of all, she didn't try to get Dwayne to do anything or question him. She didn't ask him to leave, or tell him to suck it up. Secondly, she didn't feel the need to add on to or expand upon his thoughts and feelings, she trusted that they were perfectly valid by themselves. And thirdly, she gave him ample time to express those feelings and thoughts, without feeling the need to interupt or leave.

In short, she was able to shut up.

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So how do I shut up?
It takes lots of practice to get to a point where you don't feel the need to take ownership of someone elses ideas, to be okay with simply allowing others to express themselves. It takes even more vigilance to make sure you don't fall back into bad habits (which I do all the time). However, there are some simple do's and don'ts you can use to get started:

Don't give unsolicited advice or opinions.
Do listen to others problems and complaints.

Don't think about how you're going to respond to what somebody is saying.
Do put your full attention on what it is they're actually trying to say.

Don't feel the constant need to rush someone's words or fill the silence.
Do allow people ample time to gather their thoughts and express themselves.

Don't express sympathy by saying "I'm sorry" or similar.
Do allow others to express their own sorrow.

Allowing others to express themselves in a pure way, with no judgement, is VITAL to connecting at that core place, where any subject is safe. Simply try to follow these guidelines for a few days, and see if you notice any difference in how people respond to you. I think you'll be pleasantly suprised.