How to accept change? I'm a freshman in college. no longer friends with best friend

[abcxyz]

We have been best friends since age 6. We're 19 now. I'm a freshman in college and my former best friend actually goes to the same one as me. We've been best friends since the age of 6... more like sisters. We were always there for each other, like when her mother died from cancer when were 16, our messed up families, social problems, and basically everything.
Everything was going great, we actually ended up living in the same suite in college (that was by accident! we did not want that b/c we wanted to branch out). We were NOT roommates, but shared a suite with 6 other girls. The other girls did not like going out, so we never really liked them much b/c they judged us. My friend and I basically did everything together, I had a lot of confidence b/c I already had one friend when I knew others were looking for some. We'd introduce each other to new people and such. I made one really good friend, my co-worker at work and basically all three of us partied every weekend and did so many things, inviting others occasionally.

I'll admit I went a little crazy with the partying and hookups and it showed with my grades. But I loved life, and I knew my college experience was going better than everyone else back in my grade in high school.

Then me and my best friend got into a fight over break. I don't want to say much about it, but basically it had to do with my drinking. I have a history in high school where I got really drunk and made an idiot of myself, they people would hate me for what I said/ did. This time was the same, except for the first time ever with my best friend. I got really drunk and uncontrollably ridiculous. I started crying about my best friend and her boyfriend. He beats her and I started crying about it in public (but no one could understand me). See earlier that week I had confront my best friend (I was sober) saying i need to talk to him, and how I don't like him, but I just want give him a talking to telling him I'm watching my best friend's back. My best friend laughed nervously and brushed it off. So it basically was on my mind when this happened. And basically in the end, I ended up bitching out the boyfriend in front of his mom at 2 am and giving him death threats and punched him (I'm 5'0 and he's 6'4 and has a 140 pounds on me so I really could do no harm). My mom had been in a previous abusive relationship and it affected me a lot when my mom told me about it. (i wasn't born yet)

So basically from there, when I woke up I knew what I had done that night was so awful beyond words. the next day I apologized, she didn't answer my calls, and I even went to her house a couple days later but bad timing- her boyfriend, and dad were outside with her.
Then break was over and I was so sad, I had been crying every day b/c I knew things would never be the same b/w me and her.
She loves her boyfriend, she planned on marrying him. He also was there for her when her mom died (they started dating that year). He and I never got a long, and then when she told me the story about how he beat the crap out of her and technically raped her, it was heart breaking. She has gone through so much in her life, like soooo much that no one should ever have to go through, that this was just too much. When she told me, it was summer, and college was about to start in 3 months. She made me promise not to tell anyone, so I didn't. My thought process was that we're going to college soon and there will be way more guys there.
So college first semester was epic, we'd hook up a lot with cute guys, but in the end my friend always said her boyfriend would be the one she marries (they were allowed to hookup with other people as long as they told each other). She would tell him the truth if she hooked up with someone, and he'd make her cry every time, which made me sad to watch. There was this one guy who was black, however, that she did not tell him about b/c she said "he will literally kill me if he finds out" and she would repeat literally over and over again (he really would). What made me more mad was that he said he hadn't hooked up with anyone, when in fact it is known proof he did with this one girl from back home. He denied it, and my best friend is so in love with him she believed him when all facts point to him lying. Also, he turned my best friend into a coke addict. Not that she was one in college, but she would constantly say, omg I need coke.. yeah yeah i know its bad but I'm addicted.

When we came back from break, she told me the situation made her rethink our friendship and her life. She said she's done with partying and does not want to hang out with me on weekends. I told her I'm done with drinking and will stop forever b/c I know we would still be best friends like before if it wasn't for that. I told her I finally learned b/c her friendship means everything to me. She said she didn't believe me and wasn't going to wait around and see if I actually do stop. She said she would study with me for classes, but can't see out friendship going much further b/c what I did was so horrible. She even went to say that her boyfriend had never done anything as horrible as I did. I was crying of course when hearing this, but I said I was sorry for the way it happened, but not sorry for what I said to him. She said he doesn't touch her anymore, and I said I don't believe her ( I know not right thing to say). She said I don't care what you think. And basically ended like that... Oh also I said how I was thinking about moving out of the suite, so I could start over with new suite mates and meet new people. She told me not to move out, and that I would just be running away from my problems. we just tried to end on a good note b/c we had class together right then.

I invited her to go to dinner that friday night, and she denied. I got really depressed b/c I know my friend like no other and I know she was serious when she said we won't be like we were before. I realized I had no other real friends and nothing to do on the weekend b/c I told my co-worker I quit drinking and the fight I had with my best friend (she was good friends with both of us). I called up and went out with this new group of girls who I kinda knew from last semester. I ended up drinking that night at the party... then my coworker friend showed up. She was pissed that I drank after saying I wouldn't. She said we'd talk about it later (which we never did). My coworker was really rude to me the rest of the night, telling me to shut the **** up when I asked who someone was because i was being "so ****ing loud." I would tell her she didn't even know the whole story of what happened. I came back to the suite after the party and saw my best friend in the common room. then I confronted her and told her I'm not going to stop drinking b/c I still don't have it out of my system yet and it's what a lot of people do to be social... going to parties. She said she understood, but she didn't want to anymore (go to parties and she was going to try and stop drugs). I said tht's really good. Later that night she said she denied my dinner request b/c she says she can't look at me the same way after what I did over break.

We both cried together this time. She never cries, NEVER. She said she's so sad what has happened with us.

It was just such a sad situation.

The next night is where everything changed more and I know it's my fault. We were at a club, I was with the same new group of girls. I got ridiculously drunk again and wondered off. I eventually ran into my best friend (her first night out since the event), who was with my co-worker friend- I just go so angry and cried and bitched BOTH of them out. I walked away so drunk. I ended up being so drunk, I was making out with this guy outside the club. Then his friends came and they started pulling my clothing off right there, I screamed and said no and they continued. I eventually ran away and then called the police. The police came and said I was too drunk so they took me to detox (they said they were going to be nice and not file it in my record or charge me with anything). In the end, I called my best friend if she could pick me up (she was the only number I knew off the top of my head). She, of course, declined it. My school's public safety brought me back at 4am. When I came into my common room, my best friend was there, gave me an evil stare and walked to her room without a word. My new friends I had came with said they had been looking for me all night, but they had my phone so they didn't know how to contact me. (they had a series of events too on there own). I summed up to them my night and they were shocked, but ever since then we've been hanging out.

Anyways, My suite mates even knew something was going on. They confronted me and were like we're going to have an intervention if you two don't fix things... I know we yelled at you guys everyday for being so loud, but we don't like this quietness! (i laughed a lil and told them it wouldn't help).
This was at the end of january.

[abcxyz]

After the club event, my best friend and I didn't speak, nor look at each other. A mutual friend of ours from back home knew the whole story. I was so angry the following week at my best friend that I wanted to puke if i ever saw her. I told my mutual friend that I was going to move out. She told my best friend. Basically then this big new ordeal happened. We both wanted to move out, but for different reasons. I got so depressed that I wanted to start over with new people. My best friend straight up told our mutual friend I don't deserve to start over. She even told her roommate that the only reason she is moving out is b/c only one of us can, and she did not want me to be happy. The RA got involved, and we eventually were both put in the same room. The resident instructor said she's never dealt with an issue as bad as ours EVER b/c neither of us were willing to compromise (again she's never had two girls with history since age 6). I told my reasons, and my former best friend is a smooth talker and made up a bunch of lies. In the end though... we both got to move out. My suite mates told me my best friend was pissed that I got to runaway from the problem and that she didn't want to move out anymore. She had no choice though b/c we made it a big deal. I was extremely happy to move out and didn't care at all what she did.

My new suite mates, however, are not my friends at all, I actually miss my old suite mates. But I needed this change. My old roommate and I were friends, but would never hang out on weekends. My new roommate and I barely say a word to each other... maybe just Hi. I didn't care much b/c it was a new semester and I was barely in the room most of the time. However before, I use to extremely messy and disorganized, now in my new suite I've learned to be very very very clean, and I even make my bed every morning (never would happen in my old suite)

I had a new group of friends... those same girls from the beginning.
I told them a lil about the situation I was in, and they were soo friendly. They started inviting me to lunch every day, and to hang out with them on weekends.
I was having so much fun. I partied every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, which is more than most people b/c my schools a private small college. Sometimes I'd even go out after work at 12:30AM on tuesdays to party. I was having an epic time with my new friends, enjoying life and things were going better.
I finally got diagnosed with ADD in january so I had medication. My grades were now all As.
I was partying twice as hard compared to last semester, working 10 hours a week so making money, my grades were amazing, and while at the same time meeting so many new people. I saw no harm.


I never even thought of my best friend b/c so much was happening, except in the end of February, I ran into her at a party, I was really drunk, and I started a fight with her (more of just me crying saying how all I wanted to do was save her).
Besides that I never saw her, even though we have a class together (I sit in the front, she sits in the back).
I just continued partying with my new friends and we just had so much fun.
Everything was great till spring break (MArch 7-14). I went home (instead of Mexico cause I ran out of money). It was my first time having alone time since our the events of winter break before second semester. I got really sad thinking about it and I cried every night myself to sleep at home.

Everything has changed since then. That weekend back from spring break I questioned my friendship with my new friends. I pretended to be happy and partied that weekend. Unfortunately I decided to drink, and then started crying about how I missed my best friend to my new friends.
My new friends seemed understanding and even tried to cheer me up.
The next week I was really sad though and felt awkward with my friends. I avoided all lunches with my friends by making excuses and stayed in the library. Little things people said would remind me of my best friend and I would began to tear up, in public! but blame it on something in my eye. That weekend I stayed sober b/c

I HAD FINALLY LEARNED NOT TO DRINK WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING BAD ON MY MIND!!!

I contemplated life and my new friends and my lifestyle insead. (this was two weeks ago).
I went out on saturday as to not be completely antisocial but DDed.
I took the next weekend off too b/c I knew it would be bad if i drank.

Me and my friends kind of have drifted since then b/c I stayed in on fridays (usually crying about my life in my dorm room). I'm sadbecause I have no one that I feel I really connect to like I thought and I really miss my best friend, whom we could say ANYTHING to each other and act like dorks. We had the same views on life. I miss talking about school and amazing lectures teacher's have given or talk about controversial subject with my best friend (which we would both usually agree on). I like my new friends, but usually we just talked about partying, sex, and boys. Occasionally some deep issues but very rare. They are getting good grades but don't like talking about school. And they laugh at the idea of people who stay in or go to the movies instead of partying (not to stay in to think of life, but just stay in b/c you're tired).


I see on facebook and through what my mutual friend from home says that my best friend has made best friends with her new suite mates. They are living together next year. She still is going to parties and smoking, and doing some drugs (probably none of the hard ones)
I was suppose to be living with my new friends next years, but since spring break I think they changed their mind b/c of my antisocial attitude. I decided Im going to live alone in a single next year anyways on my own after being asked if it was a smart idea to move in with these girls who party a lot.

I'm also sad and somewhat jealous my former best friend has made a new solid group of friends where I have not. I could be replaced so quickly and am still so sad and lonely. I feel I have grown so much and don't find the fun that much in partying, but I still want to go out at least once a weekend and drink.
I fear I am hiding myself in my studies, b/c i'm in the library all the time and I don't need to be. I have the highest grade in 3 of the 5 classes I'm taking. And the other two classes I have As anyways.

It was my former best friend's bday on April 6. I sent her a message saying I know we're not on good terms, but happy bday. (no reply). I just don't know what to do or think. I know I'm socially awkward and have a hard time talking to guys unless I'm drunk. Plus being drunk is fun (hence why college kids drink). There would always be epic stories that I will never forget (but sometimes may hardly remember) that just make college amazing. But I plan on calming down on it.

I look back and see how crazy I have been. First semester I had sex with 4 different guys I met at parties.
And second semester, I have been sent to detox, and one night I was caught by the RAs on campus throwing up. They sent me to the hospital in an ambulance, and i blew a .255 (they didn't pump my stomach or anything, just waited for me to sober up). I woke up not remembering a thing and waking up in a hospital bed freaking out. 4 days after that I went out drinking (this was 2 weeks before spring break).


Change is hard. And it has hit me. I cry atleast once every weekend. I miss my friend so much.

[rose A]

abcxyz,

Read Erin's article on the death of her boyfriend. Try to email it to your friend to read. It might even help you get a perspective on your friend and her actions.

The Death of My Ex-Boyfriend

Friendships are relationships. Just like it would be a relationship with a boyfriend. You care about that other person and their well being. Fights and arguments occur. Frustration arises. Your frustration is stemming from you trying to control your friend, to have her see things your way. Only she is in control of her life and hopefully after, or if, she reads Erin's article she will have the courage to change. (if what you say about the boyfriend is true)

As for your behavior while you are parting your ass off. Are you bragging about it or are you trying to use it as an excuse for your emotional outbursts? What do you want to hear? Us telling you to stop the excessive drinking and self abusive behavior. Do you like puking your guts out and waking up strapped to a bed? Do you like guys screwing you because they know how loaded you are and are probably laughing at you all over campus?

This is a personal development site and you posted on it. Do yourself a favor and take a long hard deep look at yourself and decide what path do you want your life to go on.

I truely hope you can get your friend to read Erin's article.

Good luck to both you and your friend.

[ilrein]

Deep stuff.

I know I'm socially awkward and have a hard time talking to guys unless I'm drunk.

This is the norm for many people. But unfortunately, this is not a long term strategy, unless Prince Charming gets you drunk first.

I think the biggest thing that inspired you to write this post is your absent relationship with your ex-best friend. Realize nothing you read can directly change this. Instead, we can offer you alternative perspectives that allow you to grow, not regress.

Throughout your entire life, there will always be stable relationships that go awry. Many of my friends, some as far back as six, I never talk to anymore, outside fluff talk. You should evaluate which people you currently have a genuinely close connection with.

I have about two. And really, I'd be satisfied with one.

That doesn't mean I don't have an abundance of "friends" or a shortage of acquaintances. It's just that people come and go. They really do. Do you recall that cliched quote by Shakespeare?

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

Your childhood friend's exit has come. Instead, the stage shall be freed of space, for new aspiring actors to audition and ultimately play a significant role.

And those future actors will exit as well. And the actors proceeding them shall exit as well. But in doing so, slots are opened for grander experiences and connections. Let those actors leave, for they do so of there own free will, just as your own free will has decided for you to leave their plays as well.

What you need to do, is invest into a stable casting agency, that can support itself, sustaining you. An agency that can recruit talent without the reliance on drugs, an agency that enriches your life, through its confident managers and agents, all working for you. It will have to start small. In time, it will grow to a level that you no longer needed to consciously manage it. To reach that level, a marketing plan is in order. You will have to assess what resources you already possess, and what you are lacking. You need to set goals that are set in the near-future, goals so desirable that they pull you towards their completion.

The reason you cannot fix your relationship with your ex-best friend is because you are trying to return the friendship to what it was like in the past. In fact, the idea of setting a goal that's past-based [like I want to lose weight so I can look like I did on my wedding night] is destined to fail right from the beginning.

Hope this helped.

[RT Wolf]

Have you considered getting help for your drinking? Sounds like it'll do you good.

I haven't read all of it, so forgive me if you do at the end of your posts or something.

[abcxyz]

Thanks guys.
Yeah I'm trying to move. It's just so hard. Little things keep triggering me off.

Like today I was watching a "reality" show on TV, and two former best friends were talking. The two girls were crying b/c they knew how good of friends they were, but they knew it could never be the same. It ended with one of the girls saying "All my best talks were with you... all my best memories were with you." and both were crying.
I know it's not all reality, but I felt the sincereness of the girl and it just made me so sad b/c that is exactly how I feel.