Inability to Connect

[Tonezone]

I've recently realized that I cannot connect with anyone. I have a huge problem forming bonds and have sought therapy, but I don't feel it's helping as much as I'd like it to. It never dawned on me until my fiance (who is a huge social butterfly) told me how she can easily connect with anyone she knows, or even perfect strangers, but can't connect with me. I did some reflection and realized that I can't connect with people. They can be nice, mean, funny, caring, warm, or cold to me and it doesn't matter all the same.

How do I open up and connect to people? I'm sick of having meaningless acquaintances. I want to be able to connect with people! I want to have a deep connection with my fiance, build strong friendships and stop being so isolated. I want to change my life before I lose the people that are important in my life.

[flutterbyebye]

what do you feel is blocking you? what do you fear? also, your fiancee may very well have a connection with people she meets, but how deep is this connection? i'd be willing to bet it's a very superficial one.

keep up with the reflecting upon yourself, and work out what it is that stops you getting closer to people.

[Manomanman]

How can you have a fiance that you're not connecting with? Sounds like you're headed for rocky waters.

1. You're probably hiding something from your therapist.
2. What you're hiding is probably something you can't emotionally admit to yourself, because it's really bad.
3. When you finally admit to and verbalize this problem, the steps to correct it will become clear.

I would venture to guess that you can consciously acknowledge this problem you're having, but you're not willing to openly admit it to yourself and/or others as a problem, because of the emotional pain.

[MiBeloved]

Having relationships are similar to peddling products, in the sense that a relationship centers around what is provided by one or by both partners.
What do your provide and how careful are you with your product?
If you have a high quality emotional product, then if the price is high only a few people will befriend you in real terms.
If you have a low quality emotional product, many might come since the price will be affordable, but you won't get the fulfilment as in the case of a high quality product.

Suppose a vendor forgets to stock his store and he becomes busy standing outside pushing people through the shop doors, then what will happen, because when they enter the store it will be empty of products.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Maybe you have a high-functioning autism. That's what I am unofficially diagnosed with and have had since I was 1 year old. I'm still very intelligent, but I do have trouble connecting with people and always have. I've always had few or no friends for most of my life. Right now I have no friends, except the ones on this forum. But I've made peace with that. I've made peace with the fact that my connections are with my family and that I am going to be fine even if I do have trouble connecting with people.

I find that even when i did have connections, it didn't make me feel any happier. I am happy as I am, and other people don't really make my life any better, but I also don't yearn for connections. If you really want new connections, go looking for them and find someone who you can connect with. Keep trying until you find someone who you can connect with. Ask people to go do things with you. Become the initiator in your relationships.

[Alexjstrandberg]

To me, connecting with people is all about being vulnerable with them. That vulnerability will allow you to go deeper than the surface level and truly connect with them.

To be vulnerable you must first be truly honest with yourself. Take a day, week maybe even a month thinking (or writing) all the things that are true about yourself that you may not want to admit. All of your quirks, your nasty little thoughts you have, all of it needs to be recognized within yourself.

I'd suggest reading the book radical honesty or taking a look at the way Steve P. writes. He has the courage to say things about himself that makes him very vulnerable to attack but also vulnerable to being loved. People recognize that courage, respect it and it allows them to find their own courage to be vulnerable with him ( complete strangers telling him their life story without ever meeting him).

Most people play it safe and are too scared to open up to others. They avoid vulnerability and as a result are neither hated nor loved. This leads them to feel very isolated and alone. Every conversation is had with an acquaintance and as deep as a puddle-"how are you? how's work going? Good, work is good too. "

How many people do you tell that you are into self improvement and read this site? If you tell very little people and are kind of embarrassed by it this would be something good to start with. Tell your family, tell your friends and tell complete strangers about it.

Generally, a third of the people will hate you and think you are weird, one third won't care and a third will love you for it. Come to accept that this will happen most of the time. After a while of becoming an open book (extremely vulnerable) you will be very comfortable with how people react to you.

[Tonezone]

I don't know what it is that is holding me back or that I'm afraid of. I think there's been so much emotional damage that whatever it is, it's buried deep down inside and locked. I don't know how to find or acknowledge what it is that is there. I want to find out what it is and properly deal with it before I spend the rest of my life alone and devoid of any connection.

[David Cain]

Here is the secret to connecting with people:

Always try to understand what people mean when they speak.

Really, really listen to what they say, and understand that they are saying what they're saying because it is important to them. In every single thing every person says, they reveal what they value. When you can get a glimpse of what people value, you see the humanity in them.

When somebody is speaking, give 100% of your attention to them, and direct 100% of your thinking towards understanding where they are coming from and what they are trying to say.

Forget what you want to say, just drop all thoughts about yourself and your interests, and let them speak their mind. Think of it this way: When you are listening, the most important thing in the world is to figure out where the other person is coming from.

Don't worry about being understood. When you make a point of understanding, people are so grateful that you are trying to see their perspective, they'll be happy to listen after. That's all anyone wants, to be understood. And if you give them that, they'll be much more receptive to what you say than if you fire off your own opinion the moment they close their mouth.

Everyone has values, and everything they say reflects what they value; their wants and worries, their desires and fears. The fact that we all have things we value is something every person has in common, and we can share that by listening with purpose.

The habit of really listening to what someone is saying is a rare one. And the people who do it can connect with anyone. This is such a powerful idea, I'll make my next blog post about it.

[SimonaRich]

There may be many reasons why you cannot connect with others. Maybe you are shy or you are afraid that others will reject you if you wanted to establish deeper connection with them, maybe deep inside you you have some kind of limiting belief (like that others cannot be trusted or something similar) or maybe you have not met anyone that you feel would understand you, so you unconsciously block the connection with those you know.

[Andy4]

I have read your post and I feel for you,in a compassionate way.Your fiancee is a social butterfly,good on her but so what.You are not,you are your own person and dont beat yourself up about it.

All the comments are good but please re read David Cain'sdo more than that study it and meditate on it,it will solve your problems.But more than that stop being so hard on yourself,everyone involved in thiis thread are decent people and they should be proud of that fact.Praise all the good things that you are and do,this will slowly build your feelings of happiness.

Regards,Andy.

Wealthnuggets4u-Get Rich!-In All Areas Of Your Life.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

Maybe you have a high-functioning autism. That's what I am unofficially diagnosed with and have had since I was 1 year old. I'm still very intelligent, but I do have trouble connecting with people and always have. I've always had few or no friends for most of my life. Right now I have no friends, except the ones on this forum. But I've made peace with that. I've made peace with the fact that my connections are with my family and that I am going to be fine even if I do have trouble connecting with people.

A.K.A. Asperger's.

I have trouble connecting with people and I've described myself just like you do in your post. I don't even have a connection with my family anymore. I'm prettymuch an army of 1.

Instead of giving up, I'm setting out to bring everybody in the world up to my level of consciousness, so I won't be alone.

[nocturne]

is this an arranged marriage? how is it possible to have a fiance if you do not have a great connection?

the technical answer is that you ask them questions and get to know them. From the small (favorite food) to the important (their relationship with thier parents). Then you relate your own stories about your favorite food and how you related to your parents.

You should also smile at people as much as possible.

[David Cain]

I wrote all night, but the post is up, enjoy:

The Secret to Connecting With People | Raptitude.com

[Plays With Life]

There were a bunch of good replies, and I especially liked the one by David Cain regarding listening closely to what people are saying, and actually processing and understanding what they're expressing.

@ the OP - I'm curious about what you think of as connection with another person? Is it that sense of rapport?