Breaking Up With Someone You're Not Really Dating

[Radio]

I have been after a woman I fell in love with for almost two years now. Let's call her "Kelly".

Kelly is 29, divorced for 4 years, with 3 wonderful children. We have been good friends for almost two years, and we have been on a few dates, but she has always been clear that she is not ready for a relationship. She is focused on her three children, and being very religious, she spends most of her free time doing stuff for her church.

During this time I have become very close to her family (sisters and parents). I have come to see them as my own family, and they are constantly urging Kelly to make a decision and start dating me. They invite me to every family function and special gathering just so we (Kelly and I) end up spending time together.

So I am the De facto man in Kelly's life and everyone knows it, but we have never held hands, and much less kissed. It is very frustrating because I am madly in love with her, but there's not much I can do about it. She continues to say she's "not ready yet", which implies that she might be ready someday....but when?

In January I met Brenda. Brenda and I are big on volunteering and charity work, and have been planning some great things for our community since we met.

Over the past week my relationship with Brenda has taken a turn, and we have become a couple. It wasn't a matter of me asking her out or anything like that. It just happened. Last Sunday we were discussing our failures in love, and next thing we knew we were in each other's arms.

I'm very happy about my new relationship because Brenda is a beautiful and wonderful woman, but this means I have to end (or have already ended) my pursuit of Kelly.

The question is:

Should I sit down with Kelly and tell her that I'm seeing someone else? Even though there was never anything romantic between us, I'm pretty sure she will be pretty shocked that I'm moving on and not waiting for her for 100 years like I promised on a recent poem I wrote for her.

Truth is I still love her and I don't want to hurt her, but I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for someone who acts like she wants to become a nun.

But we do live in a small town. As soon as Brenda and I go out holding hands in public, Kelly will hear about it. Should I tell her first? Or should I simply not worry about it?

If I do sit down with her and tell her I am seeing Brenda, she will wish me well with a smile, but she will probably never speak to me again. She will question how come as recently as two weeks ago I told her I loved her, and now I'm seeing someone else.

I don't want to lose her friendship, and I don't want to lose her family's friendship, but that might be unavoidable. They protect each other and will probably see this as a betrayal on my part.

But there is no turning back now, as I will not break Brenda's heart to continue waiting for someone that might never come to me. I have suffered a lot waiting for Kelly in silence. And even though she has constantly rejected me, I refused to even consider dating anybody else until this past week. And I caved in with Brenda because I think she is well worth it and I'm sure I will grow to love her.

My question to everyone on this forum is.....how do I proceed? I have never been in a situation like this before. I am 37 years old and have never broken up with someone (they always break up with me ).

And once again, even though Kelly and I never actually dated, it is understood that if there is a man in her life, it's me. It's a very weird situation.

Please advice.

[nocturne]

just a preface; i come from a karate teacher; no excuses, 50 pushups style of giving feedback. It's just my style. Don't be insulted.

I think its weird in the first place you would ever write a poem saying you would wait for a woman 100 years. or show such interest in a woman who clearly doesn't show any interest back to you.

You should never do that. A woman should want you and respect you if you were ever to do anything for her, much less write a poem.

The only woman who remotely deserves a poem if she shows no interest in you should be your mother. At least she gave birth to you!

If kelly is already not with you, and she constantly rejects you, I don't see what the huge deal is if you tell her you're moving on.

perhaps you just don't value yourself enough. I mean if you like a girl, you can give her time, but 100 years? a poem? Perhaps you should have told her about the other women you are considering dating and how you can't wait for her forever.

perhaps you should consider taking a karate class and go to fight competitions or something. you need to reconsider this idea of never hurting people. peacefully and non violently hurting someone could save them a lot of trouble in the long run.

i know this, because i got hit in the face enough times to learn how to block and dodge

[Bradshaw]

Be honest.

Be tactful, considerate and consider the timing etc if you must, but don't take too long, and just be honest and tell her exactly how you feel and what your thoughts are.

If you do that, whatever happens, you will have little regrets.

[Bradshaw]

Oh, nocturne, how i have met so many people like you recently. Fascinating.

It's dudes like you who make me realize how important developing Power(in many aspects) really is. And while your advice to the OP is blunt, the underlying message is good. I, at least, take it to heart.

I think, perhaps you should use that discipline and go meditate on compassion. I shall be going to the gym for three hours now. See you later Perhaps i shall consider some form of martial art in the future. The discipline will do me good.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Radio,

I'm not a karate teacher but I guess my feedback will come across as harsh too. I'm sorry and please don't be offended. I'm just being honest.

If there never was anything romantic between Kelly and you, and she kept saying no to you, I really don't see why you'd have to talk to her. You don't owe her anything. If she confronts you about the issue, you still can explain to her that you changed your mind. But explicitely going to talk to her would imply that you owe her an explanation, and that's not the case.

Your moving on might hurt her ego, but that's her problem, not yours. You are not responsible for her feelings. You are not responsible for Brenda's feelings either. Just for your own.

You cannot know for sure how Kelly will react and what will happen, so why worry about it before it happens? If she really never talks to you again, then it was quite comfortable for her to have a perpetual admirer to boost her ego without giving any commitment back and now she's offended that you're not worshipping her anymore. Why would you want such an unbalanced "friendship" in the first place?

I agree with Nocture, it looks like you don't value yourself enough. Suffering in silence for two years and promising to wait a hundred years more is doormat behavior. What's more important to you, the friendship of this nice family, or your self-esteem? That's a clear choice you need to make.

I also find it strange that you go for a relationship with a woman you're not in love with. You two talked about your failures and ended up together. What a crappy premise for a relationship. To me it seems like you're going for what you can get instead of for what you truly want. I'm not saying you should continue to pursue Kelly instead (Heck no!!!). But do you really want to be with a woman you don't love? Or do you just want any relationship? You say she's beautiful and wonderful, but that's all rational arguments. What does her beauty and wonderfulness serve you if you're not in love with her?

I wish you strength in dealing with this situation. Much love to you.

[nocturne]

1. i don't think you're going to do ANY damage by breaking up with a woman who "constantly rejects you." don't even worry about it.
2. I think you should be valued and treated with respect in a relationship.
3. I think you should search out what you truly want in a woman.

If you want to come from a place of power in a relationship
1. work on your talents and value them. share it with others
2. take a martial arts class. this did wonders for my mental toughness and self esteem. set backs in life will seem small and trivial compared to getting kicked in the face by a black belt, which happened to me many times before i learned how to block and dodge.

hahahahaha

[sirkinm]

Radio, I think that your story is kind of romantic in the sense that it would make for a typical, sappy movie or tv show, with the hopelessly in-love guy waiting with bated breath for the girl to finally say "yes."

In the movies, her eyes open and she realizes what a great guy he is. In real life, that never happens -- partly because it takes a guy with a low sense of self-worth to play that part, which isn't attractive. I don't mean to sound so critical. Some guys like to feel like that steadfast knight who is ever-ready to serve m'lady, so there is nothign wrong with living out that drama if that's what inspires you. But when you see the light and realize that you've been giving your power away, you tend to move on.

You still have a lot invested in your former beloved, but you're obviously moving on, which is great.

I'd have to agree with the others -- you are giving this way too much consideration. You've already invested WAY too much in this girl's opinion of you. If she's hurt, then frankly, she deserves it: She knows how you feel, and she rejected you over-and-over. What point does that serve beyond ego gratification? It's ok to be friends, but not ok to string someone along, which is what she did. She's probably a good gal, but you don't owe her a dramatic break-up routine.

[Angela Leeds]

It's not so weird -- connections like this happen, very often as transitional relationships pointing the way to what one really wants. To the extent you were involved with someone who wasn't ready for what you want, in fact you were also not ready for what you really want.

No need to make such a big deal out of any of it -- honor it for what it's given you, honor her for what she's shown you...and move on.

"I just need to let you know that I've met someone who is available and who I really like, and I'm going to be exploring a relationship with her. Which means my days of hanging around here are over. You've meant so much to me, but I'm ready to move on, and wish you all the best."

Then go have a great time with Brenda.

[Dan.Linehan]

Nocturne's and sirkinm's replies are both pretty spot on. Especially:

It's ok to be friends, but not ok to string someone along, which is what she did. She's probably a good gal, but you don't owe her a dramatic break-up routine.

Also, remember that the more time you spend worrying about any perceived conflicts with Kelly, the more put-off by the entire situation Brenda will become. I assume you don't want this to hurt your new relationship. Tread lightly.

I'd tell Kelly that you've started dating someone as soon as you can. Her reaction to the news will tell you a lot about her as a person. If she is happy for you then she is probably a real friend. If she tries to make you feel guilty over it, she was just leading you on all along.

And if Kelly was leading you on all along, that will require some introspection on your part to determine what made you want to become a part of a situation like that.

[Angela]

Actually, Kelly never made any promises to you -- it doesn't sound to me like she's stringing you along; it sounds like she's been honest with you: it's possible that someday she may be available for a real romantic relationship with you, but for now at least, she is not. Has she said anything like, "I expect you to be my romantic partner in the meanwhile until I decide?" From what you've said so far, it sounds like it's just your hopes -- and the hopes of Kelly's friends and family -- that had you hearing that, rather than anything she's actually said.

BUT -- you made this 100 year promise! Radio, you're not allowed to write any more poetry. If it hadn't been for that poem, I would say you're in the clear. Absent that poetic promise, there's nothing to clean up; you're free and clear to date Brenda. This "I'll wait for you as long as it takes" thing though puts you into a position, I think, of having to clean up the mess -- to apologize to Kelly for breaking your promise. You're right, that she may be very upset with you, and she may never trust you again, because you have shown her that you are willing to break your promises to her, and that can really hurt when a friend does that.

That said, if she's got a brain in her head, she'll realize that a hundred year promise to wait is not a promise that a girl would be wise to hold a man to, unless she's the heroine in a romance novel. My guess is that she may be irritated with you for this breach of integrity, but if you communicate to her with love, she'll probably forgive you pretty quickly and may even be relieved that you are freeing yourself -- and her -- from this inauthentic romance. If not -- if she is just mad, stays mad, and encourages the whole town to shun you -- then you've learned something important to -- that you've narrowly escaped 98 years of waiting for a harpy.

I think you would be wise to clean up your ill-advised promise to Kelly. Uncleaned-up stuff like that has a way of following you into your next relationship.

I also think, and this may be most important of all -- that you would be VERY wise to NOT jump into a committed relationship with Brenda, or anyone else. I recommend that you give yourself time to let the feelings of being in love with Kelly wear off, and date Brenda and probably date another woman or two, too (being honest with everybody, of course) because you are not doing Brenda any favors by entering into a commitment , or allowing her to THINK that you are entering into a committed relationship with her, while you're still grieving over the demise of Kelly-hope. You don't want to find yourself someday telling your wife, Brenda, that you love her, but you're not IN LOVE with her, do you? Give her a break, and give yourself a break, and let yourself heal up so that you can enter your next relationship with a clean, whole heart.

And no more poetry!!

[Writertype]

I'm no relationships expert, but Kelly is just not attracted to you. Tell her about the new relationship, I bet she will be very happy for you! From the sounds of it Kelly could be a great friend in the future, but you are probably wasting time to pursue her.

[Radio]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. The truth hurts sometimes, but I can take the punches.

My new relationship with Brenda is going great. I am really happy with her. We fit together really well.

I can't deny I am still in love with Kelly, and my heart still aches a little when I see her picture and realize it will never happen, but now I am certain that too shall pass.

I haven't spoken to her at all, but she already knows about Brenda and I, as we have gone out in public a few times and the news spread like wildfire. Brenda is incredibly beautiful (much more physically beautiful than Kelly), so I have gotten a lot of those "I can't believe she's with him" looks.

Ironically, perhaps the sensitivity and the "nice guy stuff" that killed my chances with Kelly is what made Brenda fall for me. She loves all the romantic gestures and she is legitimately proud to be with me.

Next time I see Kelly I will simply act as a friend, and hopefully she will accept at least that from me. If not, I am still moving on. I spent a long time chasing after a ghost, but now I am determined to make my new relationship work.

I might lose Kelly's friendship as well as her family's support in the process, but being with this new wonderful woman has shifted my priorities in life. I don't care as much as I did when I started this thread two weeks ago.

So thank you all for your words. And yes Angela....no more poetry!

[ijpeatey]

Sounds to me like you're still emotionally attached to 'Kelly' despite your new relationship with Brenda. It's not surprising, given how close you are with Kelly and her family and how long you've been burning a candle for her (and don't forget it has been her blowing the candle out!).

You can test this .. imagine you tell her you've moved on. How would you react if she breaks down and says she's ready to be with you now?

For the benefit of your new relationship, I strongly advise you to make a clean break with Kelly. Make it really clear to her that you've moved on .. not for her benefit, but for YOUR benefit. You may choose not to communicate that to her (though that's clearly the best) but find some way to make it clear. And mourn the break up. Let it go.

Clean, clean break. Otherwise your new relationship doesn't have a chance.

[danas]

Hi Radio
Congratulations on your new girlfriend!
I would talk to kelly, just as a friend.
Talking is usually better than not talking IMO.
Youre not breaking up with her though, your just informing her, bacause you two were close.
It will probably make her run to your arms at last and leave her nunhood.
In any case she will probably feel jealous but dont feel guilty b/c you have done nothing wrong.
I was in a similar situation once (I was in kellys place)
Yes, it did hurt but deep down, but I knew if I had really wanted to be with the guy, I would have said yes already.