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darkw0rker · 03-21-2009, 09:42 PM

I've been hating my family, including my parents and my sister for about 3 years. Long before that I used to hate my relatives, but since that was not such a big deal I accepted the fact that my relatives are annoying and I hate them.

But I cannot somehow accept that I hate my family too! From one side I really feel sorry for them to have son that hates them and from my side I just cannot live with them anymore!

I am currently 20 years old.

So you think I should leave them?

dice · 03-21-2009, 11:03 PM

leave leave leave while your in your prime please dont get stuck!

I find myself feeling bitter often about my family - they're incredibly nice people but they're so different in their beliefs/traditions and are so closed minded and demeaning and INCREDIBLE drama queens, a little mess will drive them up the wall howling and shrieking.
Again, excessively nice, yet ridiculously unnerving and its driving me literally insane.

So i'm moving out within the next year, I'm giving myself no choice.

anyhow, keep posted.

Andy4 · 03-21-2009, 11:54 PM

Darkworker,move out now.

Your folks are your folks,end of,but dont feel guilty.They may even want the same thing,who knows,but you must do what you feel is right for you,other people are just peripheral.I will say this again Do what is right for you.

Take care.

Andy.

RT Wolf · 03-22-2009, 03:19 AM

I'm assuming you live in the "West", where there's already a cultural norm of young men leaving the family to go it alone for a while. So, why not? It doesn't seem like you need to completely cut your ties off from them. Maybe a bit of distance will help you get better perspective on them

I would caution this, though: when you first realize your parents are human and pretty fallible, you may feel like resentment, bitterness and hatred at first, but you will get over it and accept your parents eventually. So, don't burn any bridges.

Finally, question why exactly you feel you hate them. The reasons you mentioned are likely post hoc rationalizations generated by your conscious mind. Dig deeply to find the real reasons. Anytime you feel negative emotions, especially strong ones, figure out why, otherwise they'll just run you.

RRR · 03-22-2009, 09:46 AM

What would happen if you talked to them about your feelings?

What would happen if you sat down with your mom and said "When the phone rings and I see it is you I feel like not answering, I feel this sinking feeling in my stomach and I don't know why, in fact I've been feeling this way for quite some time"

I think you already know and this is why you avoid telling them. It probably won't be pretty.

This is exactly what you must do. You must stop hiding your feelings.

I recommend the book Real-Time Relationships for advice on leaving your family. It is free and comes in audiobook form if you don't like reading Freedomain Radio - Free Books!

I wish you luck darkworker. I am in the middle of this process right now. I will update you on how RTR works for me when I next contact my parents (within a month).

ssandra · 03-22-2009, 11:20 AM

I have been there.

For a long time I thought I hated my parents. They are not horrible parents, just so different than I am. Plus they did some things that were really hurtful to me (ruining my wedding day for one).

Now, I have come to realise that I really don´t like my dad, I can stand my mom, but they are family and I love them. Even if I don´t like them.

I left the house when I was 19, as soon as I possibly could. It didn´t improve the relationship but it did gave me a break from them

The only thing that improved it, or made me accepting of it was when I realized that they are not attachted to me. What they do and say has no influence on me, unless I let them, and I don´t let them anymore.

So now I can love them and not like them at the same time. It creates a lot of rest and peace of mind for me.

funchy · 03-22-2009, 07:45 PM

Why do you live with people you hate? Maybe the hate feeling isn't because of them but rather the sense you don't have much control over where you're living?

But don't hate your own family. They're the only mother, father, and siblings you have. Your parents gave you life and took care of you for 18 years. You need to come to learn to accept them as they are and love them. It might be easier to do if you move out, but that's really up to you.

Andrew Brunelle · 03-22-2009, 08:10 PM

It's kind of sad that you hate your family. They should be your support network, not people you loathe having to communicate with. We all hate our families sometimes, but to hate them for an extended period shows that you may need to move away from them. Maybe you should just deal with them through the phone or in small doses. I would suggest examining where these thoughts are coming from and maybe you can work through this.

darkw0rker · 03-22-2009, 11:40 PM

well i think my main problem with them is that they do not want to lose me. The situation is similar to someone who catches a bird and decides to put this bird into a cage, although making sure that he takes very good care of it.

They are too kind to me and want to feed me as long as possible.

It is sad. The more they try to like me the more I dislike them.

RT Wolf · 03-23-2009, 01:05 AM

^ Heh. It's like the gingerbread house in the woods for Hansel and Gretal. My mum did that. The everpresent mother. Then, of course, if you let people walk over you and sacrifice everything for them, you can start to feel resentful and that they're ungrateful. Then you lay a guilt trip on them.

dolphintantan · 03-23-2009, 07:56 AM

moving out might make your relationship better.
but, don forget to visit them often.

one day if they are not longer in this world, u will feel regret

aphorist · 03-23-2009, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkw0rker

well i think my main problem with them is that they do not want to lose me. The situation is similar to someone who catches a bird and decides to put this bird into a cage, although making sure that he takes very good care of it.

They are too kind to me and want to feed me as long as possible.

It is sad. The more they try to like me the more I dislike them.

This sounds like a classic case of rebellion. It's youthful, it's fun, but in the end you realize you didn't mean it. I'm 20, I've been there (heck, I'm still kind of there).

"They're TOO kind to me"?? Don't you think that sounds a little silly? But I understand, it's not that they're too kind, it's that they expect things from you for their kindness, right?

Acceptance is key. Realize what your parents can do, and what they can't do. Accept them for what they are. It's your expectations that are making you hate them. It is your responsibility, not theirs. You are currently blaming them which may feel righteous, but it won't solve your issue.

It's the youthful rebel ego which controls you and says you'd rather feel righteous than feel at peace. Just realize that in whatever choice you pick. Part of never having regrets is never doing something regretful.

David Cain · 03-23-2009, 11:33 AM

I think you should move out, and they won't be so stifling. It will also give you some perspective and allow you to appreciate them without having to see them all the time.

Until then, forgive them for what they do, they seem to have good intentions.

Bliss Sage · 03-23-2009, 11:56 AM

I left when I was 20, technically 18 when I went away to college. I left the country at 20 and didn't looked back.

Maybe I was "lucky" in that the "parents" didn't want me to stay, so not only did I have no guilt, I was practically shoved out the door (and made a point not to come back to visit much).

I think you should move. If not now, then when? And, if you want to leave, what purpose will you be serving by staying? And how long do you intend to keep serving that purpose?

Was just curious what you meant, though, when you said they "try" to like you? Why are they trying to like you?

ns123 · 03-23-2009, 06:56 PM

it sounds like you think you have two options:

1. hate them and leave them
2. hate them and stay to pretend to like them.

Both these options involve you to continue to hate them. Are there any other options you see?

I'll just tell you right now that if a family member of mine said that about me... it would result in me being very sad... and I would make option 1 more attractive to my son/brother/husband/whoever.

I feel really sorry for your family when I read this.

03-21-2009, 09:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
darkw0rker Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 159	I hate my family I've been hating my family, including my parents and my sister for about 3 years. Long before that I used to hate my relatives, but since that was not such a big deal I accepted the fact that my relatives are annoying and I hate them. But I cannot somehow accept that I hate my family too! From one side I really feel sorry for them to have son that hates them and from my side I just cannot live with them anymore! I am currently 20 years old. So you think I should leave them?

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03-21-2009, 11:03 PM	#2 (permalink)
dice Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 435	leave leave leave while your in your prime please dont get stuck! I find myself feeling bitter often about my family - they're incredibly nice people but they're so different in their beliefs/traditions and are so closed minded and demeaning and INCREDIBLE drama queens, a little mess will drive them up the wall howling and shrieking. Again, excessively nice, yet ridiculously unnerving and its driving me literally insane. So i'm moving out within the next year, I'm giving myself no choice. anyhow, keep posted.

03-21-2009, 11:54 PM	#3 (permalink)
Andy4 Banned Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Manchester, England Posts: 368	Darkworker,move out now. Your folks are your folks,end of,but dont feel guilty.They may even want the same thing,who knows,but you must do what you feel is right for you,other people are just peripheral.I will say this again Do what is right for you. Take care. Andy.

03-22-2009, 03:19 AM	#4 (permalink)
RT Wolf Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Toronto, Canuckland Posts: 1,737	I'm assuming you live in the "West", where there's already a cultural norm of young men leaving the family to go it alone for a while. So, why not? It doesn't seem like you need to completely cut your ties off from them. Maybe a bit of distance will help you get better perspective on them I would caution this, though: when you first realize your parents are human and pretty fallible, you may feel like resentment, bitterness and hatred at first, but you will get over it and accept your parents eventually. So, don't burn any bridges. Finally, question why exactly you feel you hate them. The reasons you mentioned are likely post hoc rationalizations generated by your conscious mind. Dig deeply to find the real reasons. Anytime you feel negative emotions, especially strong ones, figure out why, otherwise they'll just run you.

03-22-2009, 09:46 AM	#5 (permalink)
RRR Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: San Rafael, California Posts: 451	What would happen if you talked to them about your feelings? What would happen if you sat down with your mom and said "When the phone rings and I see it is you I feel like not answering, I feel this sinking feeling in my stomach and I don't know why, in fact I've been feeling this way for quite some time" I think you already know and this is why you avoid telling them. It probably won't be pretty. This is exactly what you must do. You must stop hiding your feelings. I recommend the book Real-Time Relationships for advice on leaving your family. It is free and comes in audiobook form if you don't like reading Freedomain Radio - Free Books! I wish you luck darkworker. I am in the middle of this process right now. I will update you on how RTR works for me when I next contact my parents (within a month).

03-22-2009, 11:20 AM	#6 (permalink)
ssandra Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City Posts: 11,168	I have been there. For a long time I thought I hated my parents. They are not horrible parents, just so different than I am. Plus they did some things that were really hurtful to me (ruining my wedding day for one). Now, I have come to realise that I really don´t like my dad, I can stand my mom, but they are family and I love them. Even if I don´t like them. I left the house when I was 19, as soon as I possibly could. It didn´t improve the relationship but it did gave me a break from them The only thing that improved it, or made me accepting of it was when I realized that they are not attachted to me. What they do and say has no influence on me, unless I let them, and I don´t let them anymore. So now I can love them and not like them at the same time. It creates a lot of rest and peace of mind for me.

03-22-2009, 07:45 PM	#7 (permalink)
funchy Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: east coast, USA Posts: 1,628	Why do you live with people you hate? Maybe the hate feeling isn't because of them but rather the sense you don't have much control over where you're living? But don't hate your own family. They're the only mother, father, and siblings you have. Your parents gave you life and took care of you for 18 years. You need to come to learn to accept them as they are and love them. It might be easier to do if you move out, but that's really up to you.

03-22-2009, 08:10 PM	#8 (permalink)
Andrew Brunelle Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Home Posts: 2,578	It's kind of sad that you hate your family. They should be your support network, not people you loathe having to communicate with. We all hate our families sometimes, but to hate them for an extended period shows that you may need to move away from them. Maybe you should just deal with them through the phone or in small doses. I would suggest examining where these thoughts are coming from and maybe you can work through this.

03-22-2009, 11:40 PM	#9 (permalink)
darkw0rker Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 159	well i think my main problem with them is that they do not want to lose me. The situation is similar to someone who catches a bird and decides to put this bird into a cage, although making sure that he takes very good care of it. They are too kind to me and want to feed me as long as possible. It is sad. The more they try to like me the more I dislike them.

03-23-2009, 01:05 AM	#10 (permalink)
RT Wolf Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Toronto, Canuckland Posts: 1,737	^ Heh. It's like the gingerbread house in the woods for Hansel and Gretal. My mum did that. The everpresent mother. Then, of course, if you let people walk over you and sacrifice everything for them, you can start to feel resentful and that they're ungrateful. Then you lay a guilt trip on them.

03-23-2009, 07:56 AM	#11 (permalink)
dolphintantan Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3	moving out might make your relationship better. but, don forget to visit them often. one day if they are not longer in this world, u will feel regret

03-23-2009, 11:33 AM	#13 (permalink)
David Cain Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Canadian Prairies Posts: 274	I think you should move out, and they won't be so stifling. It will also give you some perspective and allow you to appreciate them without having to see them all the time. Until then, forgive them for what they do, they seem to have good intentions.

03-23-2009, 11:56 AM	#14 (permalink)
Bliss Sage Family Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: A cute little town in Sweden :) Posts: 1,174	I left when I was 20, technically 18 when I went away to college. I left the country at 20 and didn't looked back. Maybe I was "lucky" in that the "parents" didn't want me to stay, so not only did I have no guilt, I was practically shoved out the door (and made a point not to come back to visit much). I think you should move. If not now, then when? And, if you want to leave, what purpose will you be serving by staying? And how long do you intend to keep serving that purpose? Was just curious what you meant, though, when you said they "try" to like you? Why are they trying to like you?

03-23-2009, 06:56 PM	#15 (permalink)
ns123 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 658	it sounds like you think you have two options: 1. hate them and leave them 2. hate them and stay to pretend to like them. Both these options involve you to continue to hate them. Are there any other options you see? I'll just tell you right now that if a family member of mine said that about me... it would result in me being very sad... and I would make option 1 more attractive to my son/brother/husband/whoever. I feel really sorry for your family when I read this.

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