How to deal with a girlfriend that was recently raped by a friend?

[phinax]

Hello All,

I do not know where to find sources that would help me address this issue of mine. Any help would be appreciated... Here's the story.

I met this girl and had an instant connection, that was like first week of December 2008. I had a grand vacation by december and lost contact. We met again by January and decided to see each other exclusively. She's a great girl. I was just puzzled because she seemed to have a new very deep seated anger towards one of our peers. It did not really meant much to me and I was just thinking that maybe they dated briefly in the past. As time went on, she grew comfortable with me and started telling that, that friend of ours raped her. He not only used his force but asked another male friend to hold on to her hand so he could get his job done. This story was confirmed by another female friend of ours.

I totally do not know how to react. I am hurt because I see this friend as a good buddy eventhough we are not that close. I really feel my girlfriends pain. I could see it in her eyes when she could remember it. I do not know how to react to my friend. I do not know how to console my girlfriend. What is worse, she was a virgin when that thing happened(part of our culture to not have sex while not yet married). I do not mind her not being a virgin. I love her and it does not matter. I know she really loves me too. It is just that. I am hurt. I do not know how to react. I have no idea what to show her. I feel pain, but I can not grasp exactly for what reason.

Any enlightenment guys, is really welcome. Sources on how to deal with this would also be helpful. Thanks.

[HALF123456]

Your looking for a way to react that is noble, courageous, justified
I would stop seeing this guy as a 'good buddy' his below scum. I’m putting myself in your shoes and all I see is rage pure rage.
I have no sympathy for rapists, there needs to be punished or there need to be some sort of retribution.
Go to the authorities, shame him, he can not be allowed to get away with this.

Here are your choses in my eyes
1) You take actions into your own hands and make him pay dearly(tempting, but not recommended)
2) You go to the authorities
3) She forgives him
4) You talk to him and make him realise the act he has committed.

Thats my advice

[supertom]

Yeah you have to tell the police, because theres a chance he could do it to some one else, i think part of the reason she told you is because shes too scared to do something about it.

If the guy gets away with it, hes likely to do it again to someone else. If it was me i would go with her to tell the police, and support her through it and after its over help her move on.

Also im here to support you as a friend, just PM me.

[aelle]

What an awful situation. Kudos to you for standing up for your girlfriend and wanting to help her.

First, even though the guy used to be a "good buddy" he is now a rapist. A criminal. Rapists do not make good friends. I have no sympathy for them.

Second, it may not be too late to go to the authorities. It's usually more effective to go right after the rape when there are stil physical proves, but there still are several people with concurring testimonies. Convince your girl to testify and press charges, come with her to the police station if she wants you to. You may think, why bother, it won't fix the past... and it's true, by itself it won't. But it'll help get some closure, and, more importantly, it could protect this rapist's future victims.

Third, as I said above, pressing charges alone won't help get closure. Rape can be very difficult to deal with, and a very long process. It definitely affects romantic and sexual life, as well as relationships to men. Some survivors never completely get over it. I am glad to hear that you want to help her, that you don't judge her and love her. She needs it. However, she also needs to heal independently from you - else, her healing will be completely dependent on your being together, and could lead to breakdowns if you ever break up. I suggest therapy, or meeting up with other survivors.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Creed]

firstly phinax you and your girlfriend have my sympathy, rape is just one of the many poisons in this life thats hard to deal with, its so personal and intrusive, not to mention the psychological damage it does. Many years ago I found myself in a similar situation and handled it completely wrong, take it from me you need to be there for her and forget your manly instincts to go ape, traumatic incidence like these take time and patents.

From your post you sound like the right kind of guy for the job, I know your mind is rambling right now and eventually anger will take hold of you but you must resist, beating the crap out of him, stealing all his clothes and leaving him in a hostile area to fend for himself doesn't work, trust me, you and your girlfriend will be the ones that suffer.

You should seek help, report him before he does it again, you never know there may be a string of victims ready to step forward. I know it's hard to decide what to do, but just do one thing for me, the next time you look into your girlfriend's eyes mention his name, if her expression doesn't motivate you to act I would rethink my views on rape...... Seriously, I hope you make the right choice.

[tintin]

From your post you sound like the right kind of guy for the job,

[timothydrake]

Dude... your "friend" is a rapist. You don't know how to react?! Have some intergrity and do what's right. That's your girl!! He raped her!! Don't know how to react?! Listen to that! Do the right thing man! I don't care if it was my brother/father. Wrong is wrong.

[JSB]

I'd kill the ****er, but that's just me.

[Creed]

Just one question phinax, I'm guessing this happened at the end of December 2008, during drunken celebrations ? I hate to be the barer of bad news but the longer she leaves it there will be no forensic evidence, secondly did your girlfriends friend witness the incident or is it her word against his, and how reliable are the facts ? I'm not trying to put a downer on your crusade but I have seen cases in court riped to shreds because of misinformation, the last thing I want is him to get away with it after going through the justice system.

A close friend of mine is a solicitor and he tells me unfortunately due to people having drunken regrets and screaming rape the next day there is no sympathy in court until the facts are put in place and proved.

I think you should talk to your "friend" and get his side of the story before you take action, also find out if your girlfriend wants to press charges, and find out why she didn't go to the police herself or why her friend who confirmed her story didn't encourage her to go to the police.....these loose ends will stand in the way of justice, so tie them up first.

Sorry if I seem objective its not my intention, I'm just pointing out a defense the opposition may take, little details matter....... Good luck

Quote:tintin
From your post you sound like the right kind of guy for the job,

Tintin I'm not sure why you quotes this, but I'm assuming you did because of phinax's hesitation or the dilemma of choice he has, until he replies I can only assume he's in shock.

[RT Wolf]

Find her some books on rape survivors or dealing with rape?

Be careful and get professional help. Like a counseller or therapist. Rape can be a serious problem and you're almost certainly not equipped to handle it. Get her a therapist or counsellor for her. I dunno how easy/hard that is for you, but it'll likely do her good to talk to someone who's qualified to deal with that sort of thing.

So...I disagree, I don't think you're the right person for this job. What you're the right person for is to provide support and to be there, but you almost certainly can't handle someone who's been violated like that and really feels it. Get help.

[Brutha]

Yeah you have to tell the police, because theres a chance he could do it to some one else, i think part of the reason she told you is because shes too scared to do something about it.

In a Western country telling it to the police is the thing to do.
In some other countries there is the possibility that there's a good reason to be scared and going to the police can have serious consequences to her as she might be "honor" killed or face other serious consequences.
Convincing a court in the UK is also a different task than convincing one in the Philippines.

phinax you probably now better than we what the consequences for her would be when the rape would become public.
Without knowing that we can't give you good advice about whether you should tell other friends about it or whether going to the police is a wise choice.

You should definitely end the friendship with him. I would not recommend physical violence against him.

[Creed]

quote RT Wolf
So...I disagree, I don't think you're the right person for this job. What you're the right person for is to provide support and to be there, but you almost certainly can't handle someone who's been violated like that and really feels it. Get help.

I believe in my original post when I said 'right guy for the job' I meant his kind nature meaning 'time and patents' I also recommended getting help.

By saying 'right guy for the job' I was referring to being sportive, NOT becoming and overnight psychotherapist, please read post carefully as I would not want phinax to feel inadequate and abandon his new found relationship, thank you.

[Holistic Star]

I think the best thing you can do is talk to your girlfriend and ask her how she wants to be supported. Tell her the truth: you want to help but don't know what's the best way to support her. Tell her that you think she is wonderful and you want to support her as best you can, and that you will be guided by her.

I agree with the others that professional counselling would be a very good step for her to help her come to terms with it. Support her in finding the right resources and in listening to what she says about her sessions etc. Taking her to sessions, being there for her after a session and willing to discuss it if that's what she wants would be very supportive. If she wants to go to the police then again support her in that. If she doesn't, then you'll have to respect those wishes too.

You don't want to get into a situation where you become her therapist. One because it's not a healthy dynamic in any relationship and two because you're not a therapist.

What you might find is that it all seems fine for a while and then something might trigger it and set it off again and she'll seem to go backwards for a bit. Just be there for her at those times and help her get back on her feet showing her acceptance and caring.

But overall, ask her what she needs from you and accept that those needs might change over time.

I hope that helps.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Creed

I think you should talk to your "friend" and get his side of the story before you take action, also find out if your girlfriend wants to press charges, and find out why she didn't go to the police herself or why her friend who confirmed her story didn't encourage her to go to the police.....these loose ends will stand in the way of justice, so tie them up first.

Agreed. Have her take care of the loose ends, get therapy if necessary, and watch yourself. "Loose ends" can suddenly go off like a bomb without warning... (don't ask me how I know)

My advice would be to forget the girl and the friend for now.

[Dan.Linehan]

Uh, press charges?

Seems simple to me. But I'm not sure how things work in the Philippines.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Your friend raped someone. Your girlfriend. That's totally messed up. If she doesn't want to go to the authorities, then maybe the friend that held her arms and you can report it. They can't prosecute it without a complaining witness. I've watched a lot of Law and Order: SVU. It's totally ****ed up that this happened and if she's really hurt by this, have her turn him in if she has the courage. If she won't, find someone who witnessed it and is disgusted. Like I said, the guy who held her hands down may have some guilt about the whole thing and they might go lenient on him if he gives up the rapist.

Either way, help her heal from this. Tell her that she is worthy of being loved again. And tell her to summon the courage to point out the person who did this to her. He could do it to someone else. Bad habits die hard. Protect the world from him.

[phinax]

Thank you all guys for the advices.. That was insightful..

Dharma, may i know the reason why I should forget my girlfriend? This would break her heart. Also, what worse could happen in the future? You said bomb like explosion...?

Yes, I want her to go to therapy, but sadly, that is not that available here in the Philippines. Also, that would take too much finances, her parents are not that capable as of now due to this recession..

She has not said anything to her parents or siblings yet. She's finding it even hard to talk to me, without breaking down. I am obviously hesitant to ask her things because there's too much pain and I don't want to rush her. I am definitely blank on what I should say or do...

I believe she does not want to press charges. She is too afraid and things does not work like that here in the Phil. Think of third world countries... "slumdog millionaire"... where lots of stuff goes unpunished...

Seriously, it came to my mind wherein I should hire people to beat the crap out of my friend. That kind of thing is way cheaper here......... honestly, Im still thinking of it.
I have no idea, how to stop him, because all of you are right. He could do it to some other girls.

Creed, you are right, that friend is drunk, but my girlfriend was not. She does not usually drink. Usually when we have a night out, with the group or even with me. All she orders are soda or a fruit juice. She would only drink something with alcohol when we are in their house. She would only drink it if you would mix a whole pitcher of orange juice with a few drops of vodka, go figure, so that she could not taste the alcohol. Anyway, we live in a province, and this is not an unusual thing.

I am hurt. Sooner or later, we'll meet that evil guy. I have no idea how to react whether to confront him and how...

[Creed]

Originally Posted by phinax

Creed, you are right, that friend is drunk, but my girlfriend was not. She does not usually drink. Usually when we have a night out, with the group or even with me. All she orders are soda or a fruit juice. She would only drink something with alcohol when we are in their house. She would only drink it if you would mix a whole pitcher of orange juice with a few drops of vodka, go figure, so that she could not taste the alcohol. Anyway, we live in a province, and this is not an unusual thing.

I am hurt. Sooner or later, we'll meet that evil guy. I have no idea how to react whether to confront him and how...

You sound like a good man phinax, I hope you stick by her.

As for your location and unavailable options your choices are limited, books cant replace therapy but they do help, I'm not familiar with books on the subject, but I'm sure the clever people in this community can recommend some. From your original post I gathered your not a violent person, don't regret not taking matters into your own hands, you will be surprised how many people in this world just can't be that aggressive.

Don't worry about this scum bag, if you do confront him do it abruptly and don't give him time to think, if you feel he is completely guilty and the authorities cant help tell everyone, let the cat out of the bag, name and shame him, maybe karma will intervene, don't underestimate an angry mob..

I wish you both the best of luck and happiness you deserve.

[tintin]

So...I disagree, I don't think you're the right person for this job. What you're the right person for is to provide support and to be there, but you almost certainly can't handle someone who's been violated like that and really feels it. Get help.

yeah thats what i meant.obviously he is not equipped to deal with the extreme emotional damage as a professional therapist.
but ..i wonder.sometimes just having somebody there who believes and accepts you.and can bolster her presently shaky self worth can have a tremendous healing effect!!
also be aware that she would be riding on your steam until she can find her feet so it wud be kinda 'delicate' because of dependency issues.(which might surface later) clearly demarcating ,atleast in your own head that your support and love is coming from a humanistic compassionate pov rather than because you are romantically involved with her might clear some of your confusion on approaching this problem.(like if your sister wud be in this situation)

there is always guidance available worldly and other worldly but that would be fueled by your intention.

My advice would be to forget the girl and the friend for now.

ok ,at the face of it, this advise might seem cold hearted but its ALWAYS a choice available to you.after all this is a big task that will primarily be sparked off by you.and you will be seeing it thru till the end.

right now ,maybe this is where youre at.therefore the thread.

if your conscience is egging you to deal with it but your self preservation is making you hesitate.then take a leap of faith.and you can be sure that you will get support.
you can ask for a definite msg from the universe if you are the man for this job.

but you can walk away.thats all im saying.free will.
its easy for me to tap out a few sentences on this forum and give you my angle on it.but it would be YOU out there doing the work.

so its your call.

you can fast forward the two decisions.to do or not to do.and imagine how you would feel after taking each.lets say 5 years from now.

its not gonna be easy whichhever you choose.
((((HUGS)))))

[rawxstasy]

I've been raped. I am sorry for what your girlfriend is going through. Please do not keep this guy in your circle of friends. She is reliving the experience and seeing this person intensifies that. I can understand if she doesn't want to go to the authorities. That also brings up more trauma, and depending where you are, the people who are supposed to be helping you can make you feel like it's your fault. Unless you can get her agreement, and the other person who was the witness, maybe you need to let go of punishment for this guy.

She needs counseling. This trauma can affect a person for the rest of their life. Can she see a therapist? Or are there rape survivor groups there? She needs to confront her feelings about what happened to her and work through it. If she ignores her feelings, they will build up and cause more pain in the future.

That is wonderful that you are standing by her. You are a good man.

[phinax]

Thanks tintin for your advice. I am not letting go of her because of this. If ever, we will break up, It would be for the right reason. We will break up because our personalities are incompatible, or the relationship is not working out per se. She is a person with a good heart. As of the moment, I can not see any ground why I should stay away from her, unless she wants me to.

rawxstasy, you are right. She is finding it hard to confront the issue. She always say that, past is past and she could do nothing about it, just to get by. If you could offer me some tips or enlightenment on how she feels, what she's going through, how she should confront it, that would be helpful. I believe, you could be of help around this subject.

I am looking through a rose tinted glasses as of now because of our relationship. Although I may not want it, but that is the truth. So any other perspectives from you guys would be helpful.

[ssandra]

Hi,

First of all, I am so sorry for your girlfriend. And you are a good person to stick by her and not blame her (it happens more than you might think).

What she could do maybe is to find an online support group? I don´t know if she speaks english, but it will be more anounimous for her and it might help.

I think that the best thing you can do is to cut out this person from your life. Maybe (first talk to her) start the rumour about what he has done to warn other people and to shun him from your society.

all the best to you and her.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by phinax

Dharma, may i know the reason why I should forget my girlfriend? This would break her heart. Also, what worse could happen in the future? You said bomb like explosion...?

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

She needs counseling. This trauma can affect a person for the rest of their life. Can she see a therapist? Or are there rape survivor groups there? She needs to confront her feelings about what happened to her and work through it. If she ignores her feelings, they will build up and cause more pain in the future.

That's the bomb-like explosion. If she doesn't confront her feelings inside they will pressurize, keep building pressure, and finally explode outward when she cannot deny herself any longer.

I'm saying what I'm saying to protect you. I've been on the bad side of one of those explosions... didn't see it coming (didn't know of her past) and landed in the hospital. I was her friend but that didn't matter when she went nuts.

It sounds like you can't counsel her yourself, but I feel she's going to need something. Be open to all possibilities that come your way.

Originally Posted by phinax

I am definitely blank on what I should say or do...

You're in one of the hardest places to be as her lover. Extremely hard. That's why I say it would be better to forget her or put it on hold until she gets support for her emotional self.

If you want to be with her through this I honor your courage. You need to do some things to support yourself:

-- find ways to support yourself in this process... it is not just her that is trying to move a lot of emotional feeling, you will be doing it too. Asking for support on this forum was a good idea. Keep the communication flowing, keep expressing how you feel to us, each other, whomever. Give yourself a break when you need one: Get out in nature, spend some quiet time there and just take in the beauty.

-- you and your girl need to work out a code word or a phrase that lets you know when she's really in a bad space. This is when she feels she can't deal with anything and can't take it anymore. It's really for your protection and a conscious note to her to keep her present. My friend's phrase was, "I'm having problems." If she's stuck emotionally, get her moving physically. That will tend to get everything else moving. Go for a walk.

[rawxstasy]

Try Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Support Forums & Chat Room

She really needs to get some professional help. Are you in a larger city? There should be some rape survivor groups. They don't cost anything. What really helped me was knowing there were others who had gone through a similar experience and that I wasn't alone. You could try to get her some books also. If it's not too overwhelming, she can journal about her feelings. But I think working with a professional would be best.

[phinax]

Thanks Dharma for the great advice. You are right. I also need emotional support. Although I know, I am strong enough for this.

rawxstasy, this is a great board/forum. This could be of great help for me and her.

My feelings of anger is really escalating day by day on that guy.... It is not decreasing, it is increasing... I know I'll get through this... day by day... somehow..

I plan to confront the guy, in a very serious but non-threatening way, when I could get past these emotional storm. Man to man talk, so to speak. I will post here specially for updates. Keep posting your perspectives guys. Thank you all.

[Plato]

You've heard one side of the story.

It's perfectly possibly these two had a drunken one night stand and she now resents him for it. Buyers remorse. Do not underestimate the hate of a girl who regrets having sex.

If pressed about why she hates this guy what's she going to say? "I got drunk and had sex," or "Oh he raped me, I'm pure and innocent, I'm not a slut, poor MEEEE!"

Sometimes, some girls will do anything to avoid jeopardising their current relationship. Even making an accusation like that.

Also, have you considered that she is addicted to drama, and feeling like a victim? Rape is a wonderful story to get lots of sympathy and righteous anger on your side.

I don't believe it without a confession from the guy who was supposedly accomplice to the "rape"

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Plato

You've heard one side of the story.

It's perfectly possibly these two had a drunken one night stand and she now resents him for it. Buyers remorse. Do not underestimate the hate of a girl who regrets having sex.

If pressed about why she hates this guy what's she going to say? "I got drunk and had sex," or "Oh he raped me, I'm pure and innocent, I'm not a slut, poor MEEEE!"

Sometimes, some girls will do anything to avoid jeopardising their current relationship. Even making an accusation like that.

Also, have you considered that she is addicted to drama, and feeling like a victim? Rape is a wonderful story to get lots of sympathy and righteous anger on your side.

I don't believe it without a confession from the guy who was supposedly accomplice to the "rape"

Are you seriously saying that you more readily believe that someone would lie, accusing another person of crime, to "protect their reputation" than that someone would lie to hide that they commited a crime? Please.

[Plato]

You want to believe she was raped.

Evidence: I play devil's advocate and you give a bitchy response. "Please"

I don't know what's true, nor do I care. Many girls cry rape, and many girls actually are raped. Who's to say which is true here?

However, I do care that people are such pack animals. Any excuse to be morally outraged at a "villain"... and there's protection in numbers. We can all exercise our hate upon one person from the safety of a group and then go back to living our own dubiously moral lives.

YAY!

[phinax]

Plato, I recognize your point there. That is the reason why I am choosing to confront the guy when the time is right.

I am just buying my time in order to really put things in perspective. What does it prove if it really was a drunken one night stand? How will it change my view of her? How do I proceed from there? It does not mean that if it was a drunken one night stand that she is a bad girl. But if it really was it, how can I trust her again?


I already had that line of thinking before... As I said, I am trying to look at things at different angles, have as much different perspectives as I can...

Thank you plato for bringing that up..

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Plato

You want to believe she was raped.

Evidence: I play devil's advocate and you give a bitchy response. "Please"

I don't know what's true, nor do I care. Many girls cry rape, and many girls actually are raped. Who's to say which is true here?

However, I do care that people are such pack animals. Any excuse to be morally outraged at a "villain"... and there's protection in numbers. We can all exercise our hate upon one person from the safety of a group and then go back to living our own dubiously moral lives.

YAY!

I am aware my response was bitchy. You are hypothesizing on an issue that is VERY REAL, and very sentitive to many of us. You are throwing around judgments on how rape accusations are often made up without any support for your claims (how about some actual data?). You are blaming the victims by implying that if a girl has unwanted sex while drunk, the slut just shouldn't have gotten drunk (I assume that you do not know that in many countries, having sex with an intoxicated person IS rape, by definition.)

Your statement that "Rape is a wonderful story to get lots of sympathy and righteous anger on your side" shows that it is not one of the stories you tell, luckily for you. Unfortunately, it is very far from what actual experience will teach you.

This attitude of disbelief, belittling and/or blaming is way too common towards rape victims and it's not right - it's definitely part of the trauma. I'm trying to do my part to restore some balance here.