Animals in relationships

[Marcus1968]

My partner is a Vet Nurse and a registered bird carer. All great things and when we met I knew this and that she kept various sick birds at her house. Since then we have moved in together to our house we bought.

My partner allready owned one cat. First thing she did when moving in was she bought a dog. All good, dogs are great. Then she brought home a dog that was getting put down as it was uncontrollable according to its owner. That was ok as it was a nice little dog and we soon had it sorted. Next she brought home two kittens whos mother died. She was to hand rer them then give them to the local pet store, all good to my thinking. When it came time to give them to the store she couldn't part with them. After much debate and her crying and going a bit crazy on me, I gave in and she/we kept the kittens.

We now have 3 x cats and 2 x dogs.

Turns out she has a large white cockatoo that screeches forever whenever it hears her voice as they bond with one person for life. It lived at her parents house, but they told me last week it is coming to live with us once we build the avery, I'm like what avery?..of course the one for the birds..doh! 5 days ago a lady rang and after the call she told me we would have a white cockatoo here for a couple of days till it goes to her parents place to live. Ok I said. 5 days later her mum drops in for a visit and I said why don't you take the cockatoo with you now. She tells me there is no way she's getting another cockatoo and didn't know anything about it. I have yet to ask my partner exactly what is happening with this bird.

We have a large entertaining area approx 10 x 10mtrs with a the bbq built in etc etc attatched to the house. There is as I type this 4 bird cages ( these are 1.5mt high and 1mt wide cages) out there with various birds in it. The droppings go all over the slate tiles and getting them off is a nightmare. I can no longer go out and sit in the chairs without the smell of bird cages and droppings along with the squarking annoying me and ruining the peace of the situation.

As for inside, the cats are not allowed to go outside for fear of them running off according to her. So we have two litter trays in the laundry for them. Our house constantly smells of cat feces and it is very embarrasing. She feeds the cats even at the table and puts food directly onto the table surface where they lick it off. They are allowed to lick the plates after and they freely walk on the table and the kitchen benches. This is after they walk through their litter tray so we have feces and other nasties on our benches probably all the time. The cats are food obsessed as she feeds them bits of whatever she is eating wherever she is eating it.

My friends won't eat at our house as they have seen the cats in action. My parents told me the house smells rather badly..that was embarrassing big time for me.

I have tried on several occasions to discuss this with her but she literally takes it as a personal attack and I really don't know what to do anymore. With this latest cockatoo here and its screeching I am literally feeling sick when I come home from work it has gotten so bad. I feel like I live at my partners zoo and I'm just a visitor with no rights.

Sorry for the essay, but I needed to get this out and hopefully find a solution to a very tricky problem I'm facing.

Marcus.


* if this is in the wrong section please relocate it as I was unsure where to place it

[RT Wolf]

Listen to her. Read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to find out what I mean. Check out the chapter on Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

[Marcus1968]

Downloading a PDF version of '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' now. Will read the section you mentioned and go from there.

[Marcus1968]

After reading the section mentioned I still cannot figure how to get my point across regarding hygiene in our home. From my point of view I cannot figure why she cannot see that animals should not be allowed to eat or walk on our kitchen tables and benches.

Each time I bring the subject up it turns into a mess with her accusing me of not loving her. This has nothing to do with love. It is purely a hygiene issue that should be resolved with no fuss.

I'm stumped.

[aelle]

Sounds like there are many different issues here that you gather under the "animal" umbrella.

1 - Your partner is the crazy cat lady - or just the crazy animal lady. I don't see a problem with that, I'd be one myself if I could afford it

2 - Cleanliness. I'd be bothered by what you describe the cleanliness of your home is, too. But your partner does not seem to see the problem, and you can't make her have a problem with it. All you can do is take care of it. If it bothers you that much, deal with it yourself. If it doesn't bother you enough to take care of it, don't complain about it. It may sound harsh, but it's the key to happy cohabitation. Here's someone who talks more about it.

3 - What you just added - that she equates criticism with lack of love. That sounds like a true problem to me, and with just the information you give us I'd say it's pretty immature on her part. She may feel quite insecure in her relationship, but how is she - how are the 2 of you - going to deal with the communication necessary for real conflict resolution? You may want to read on nonviolent communication, it's a good way to convey justified criticism in a way that won't hurt the interlocutor. If, after you've worked on that issue, she still answers criticism with "why don't you love me?" that could just be manipulative behaviour on her part, in which case I don't need to tell you what to do.

[SomeRandomGuy]

It seems to me that the primary problem here is lack of communication and couple-based decision making. From what you describe, it seems that when you decided to purchase a house with her it was not your understanding that she would be brining in so many new animals. It sounds like she is acquiring new animals without first discussing it with you, which I would consider a major communication issue. The thing about these issues is they do not just go away.

Looking at this from another angle, what was her house like before the two of you moved in together? Was she allowing the same behavior of the animals there as she is now? If so, then you may have had unrealistic expectations of how she would allow them to behave in the home the two of you share. She, on the other hand, may have assumed that since you saw how the animals in her home behaved you were fine with them behaving the same way once you moved in together. Again, this sounds primarily like a communication issue.

My suggestion would be to sit down and discuss this with her fully. Tell her what you have told us here. Tell her how this situation makes you feel, and how you can't even have your friends over. Discuss how her taking these things so personally impact your relationship and ability to communicate with her. It may not be necessary to work out a resolution at this time, if you can at least discuss it and ask her to think about it. This sounds like a situation that is definitely going to require compromise on both sides. Right now it sounds like there is no compromise, she is getting her way and you are allowing it, although with much resentment. Finding a compromise that you are both happy with will require a great deal of communication.

I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how it turns out.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by Marcus1968

After reading the section mentioned I still cannot figure how to get my point across regarding hygiene in our home. From my point of view I cannot figure why she cannot see that animals should not be allowed to eat or walk on our kitchen tables and benches.

Each time I bring the subject up it turns into a mess with her accusing me of not loving her. This has nothing to do with love. It is purely a hygiene issue that should be resolved with no fuss.

I'm stumped.

Righty, let's try another way: people don't respond to actions or objects in and of themselves, rather they respond to what those things mean to them. As an example, if I woke up tomorrow and found 10k in my bank account I'd be overjoyed. If a millionaire woke up tomorrow and found 10k in his bank account, he'd be pissed as hell and would wanna know where all his money went. Same stimulus, different response. Covey tells a nice story in the book somewhere about what buying Fridgedaire (or Whirlpool or somin) appliances meant a lot to his wife. She'd travel many miles to go buy only that brand and it used to piss off Covey. However he spent time talking to her and found out that that company helped her dad stay in business by giving him stock without charging or something. So, it wasn't a washing machine anymore, it was loyalty to her father and those that helped him. These animals and how they have run of the house means something to her. Find out what.

Read the chapter again. You may also want to read the part about the Relationship Bank Account, which I think is in the little mini chapter between the third and fourth habits. You don't fully understand her yet and she doesn't feel understood, so she's less inclined to try to understand you.

Some questions to try to get the answers to: Why does she feed animals at the table? Don't apply your own judgement of disgust and unsanitariness yet, figure out why she does it. Find out why she's against not feeding them at the table or having free roam of the place? For her it does seem to be about love, so figure out why it is exactly.

You see, you may see it as a hygiene issue, but perhaps she sees it as an identity issue. It seems to be close to her sense of identity to have animals roam free. Maybe she saw Jumanji as a kid and had a dream that when she grew up and had her own house she'd have lots of animals and they'd have run of the place. Maybe something else from her childhood, I dunno. My point is, you don't either and you wanna find out otherwise you're not going to go anywhere.

Seek first to understand her to her satisfaction (you can summarize and repeat what she said back to her) and then you'll find she's a lot more open to trying to understand you. You could just go ahead and read the whole Covey book, it's great for helping you with this.

I can garuntee you, if you put aside your emotions, judgements and thoughts for a little bit (don't get rid of them) and learn to understand your partner's emotions, feelings and thoughts on a deep, deep level, you'll completely change your relationship. BTW, the judge of whether you're listening and understanding isn't you, it's the other person.

[Rose of Cairo]

The cat I share my home and life with is allowed to walk on the tables too, and I don't see it as a problem at all.

Two litter trays for three cats is not enough. Cats need at least one litter tray for each cat, ideally even one per cat plus one.

- If they have enough litter trays
- and you use decent cat litter
- and if you take the feces out of the litter once or even better twice a day
- and change the complete litter once a week,
then it normally shouldn't smell at all. That's just basic hygiene. May I ask how often you clean the litter?

Cats are very clean beings. They wash themselves all the time. If their litter is clean as it should be, they have absolutely no feces on their feet.

[ssandra]

Just a little not from somebody who used to be completely insane as well..

(insane meaning, not accepting critic without going completely insane, screaming, getting panic attacks, crying, breaking up even...).

You have to deal with this. One way or the other. She has a problem with her self esteem, otherwise she wouldn´t connect the animals to you loving her.

Suggest therapy. Couples or just for her. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a third person, so you don´t hurt each other so much.

Very important; tell her that you love her, no matter what happens, you want her to be happy and you will NEVER leave her.

But; you also want to feel happy in your house.

Don´t let her blackmail you emotionally into not doing anything.

It is an easy way for her (unconsiously or not) to not deal with her responsabilities.
Don´t let her get away with it. Eventually she will thank you for it, because dealing with it makes her stronger.

Good luck!

[jaamkie]

no offense, but reading OP I can imagine hearing this and feeling personally attacked by interpreting a subtext of "your pets are nasty and embarassing and you are disgusting too for living this way". I think you should completely leave out commentary of other people and your embarassment, and focus on your own preferences- it is always hurtful to imply that you care more about what other people think than how your partner feels about a decision.

Along with not bringing in secondhand ammunition, try to come up with reasonable suggestions for changes- instead of bitching about the smell, offer to clean the litterboxes more often and/or buy more of them and/or improve ventilation around the boxes (and I agree with your gf, and most vets, that the cats should not be sent outside).

It is also probably just different upbringing and assumptions about what is "normal", so you need to try to understand that to her this seems perfectly acceptable and average, not "disgusting". As a child, my family cat used to sleep on the dinng table in the sun- we would pluck her off the table, brush off the hair, and set the table for dinner, never thinking a thing of it. If someone approached me rationally explaining their difference of opinion, I'd try to accomodate by offering to use an antibacterial to clean the table before meals, or keep a closed-door "cat-free" room for the other person, but if someone I loved told me I was "disgusting" for living the way I lived, I would get emotional and defend myself and we'd get nowhere. (Assuming you eat meat), imagine your reaction if your girlfriend started railing aganst hamburgers as a disgusting putrid burnt dead body- you'd be offended and defensive and probably go out of your way to wave it in her face and declare it delicious. On the other hand if she was really nauseated by you chomping dead animals, and asked to eat separately and for you to use opaque containers for your meat in the fridge, perhaps you'd try to accomodate her sensitivities a bit?

[polyfulcrum]

It sounds more like you're upset that there was a "bait and switch" from the way she lived before you moved in, and the addition of so many pets, without much input from you, or honoring of your feelings on this topic.

I'm an animal person myself, but I would consider bringing home new animals to be a joint decision with my domestic partners. No agreement, no pet. This isn't a house plant, it's a living animal that requires care, causes damage (even well-behaved pets!) to the environment, and changes the way that you can approach life, when you must arrange care for pets before leaving on vacation, for example.

At the very least, making it clear that you are not open to having any additional pets of any sort added to the mix would be advisable. Perhaps you can create some pet free zones within the home that you can feel comfortable entertaining in, and escape to when you need a break. We have two indoor dogs, but they don't have the full run of the house, and are further restricted if we have guests that aren't dog fanciers over.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Listen to her and no matter what she says tell her that the animals have to go. Stand up and then put your put down, enough is enough. It obviously bothers you and it will only get worse as time goes on. You will begin to resent her (if you don't already) for ruining your house.

You just need to develop thicker skin as she begins to cry. She will cry but it's similar to a kid throwing a temper tantrum for not being able to get a puppy they saw in the pet store. She has lost sight of what's BEST and needs to be reminded of it.

She's a vet nurse and the animals should be kept at the vet. Put things in perspective

[tintin]

My partner is a Vet Nurse and a registered bird carer. All great things and when we met I knew this and that she kept various sick birds at her house.

First thing she did when moving in was she bought a dog. All good, dogs are great.

That was ok as it was a nice little dog and we soon had it sorted.

She was to hand rer them then give them to the local pet store, all good to my thinking.

and then aelle said

Your partner is the crazy cat lady - or just the crazy animal lady.

i think youre an animal lover yourself!!

but something happened..maybe you have nightmares of being the only species left behind when the noahs ark sails away?

[vMike]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Listen to her and no matter what she says tell her that the animals have to go. Stand up and then put your put down, enough is enough. It obviously bothers you and it will only get worse as time goes on. You will begin to resent her (if you don't already) for ruining your house.

She's a vet nurse and the animals should be kept at the vet. Put things in perspective

agreed here

[MidasGirl]

Why would it be ok for your partner to keep getting animals without your consent? Would she go out and start adopting kids and surprising you with it? Come on! You know there's something going on here. You're just too afraid to confront it.

p/s You should have set these boundaries before you moved in together. But its never too late. Why would you want to live a resentful life? Its neither fair to you nor to her. I'm sure there's another sucker out there who was born just to put up with this kind of behavior.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

You just need to develop thicker skin as she begins to cry. She will cry but it's similar to a kid throwing a temper tantrum for not being able to get a puppy they saw in the pet store. She has lost sight of what's BEST and needs to be reminded of it.

Wow!

If I had a boyfriend, and this boyfriend wanted to decide alone about who lives in our house, treated me as if I were a kid, and acted as if he knew what's "best" better than I do - the boyfriend would go.

Besides, it's not his house, it's their house.

[funchy]

This woman loves animals. You knew that when you met her. She did not keep it a secret. Of course, she's helping out animals in need here and there. One thing I am sure of is you CANNOT change her. If you force her to get rid of the animals, she'll all always resent you. You need to love all of her (including her hobbies) or you need to move on. Sorry, but I'm an animal person and I gotta tell it like it is.

It sounds like you're not an animal person. Maybe you were raised in a home with no pets or with only one or two (probably outdoor) pets? Nothing wrong with that, but you can't change her to be more like you.

It is absolutely not ok to try to control her and force her with ultimatums. Of course she's going to cry. It hurts when someone you love tries to change you or forces you to give up your passion. It's not a "tantrum". It's a loving woman being told she's got to choose between her pet and her boyfriend, and it's killing her. She cries because she cares.

There is no reason why cats can't live indoors. I have 5 cats, 4 of which are indoors. If she doesn't smell anything but you are bothered by the litterbox, why not just clean it more often ? If you clean it, there should be NO smell. None. I have no help cleaning my boxes, so I ended up buying a few Littermaids which automatically rake out the box after every use and put the nuggets in a closed bin. Male cats must be neutered, and done so early, to prevent them from spray-marking (different than peeing).

If you don't like bird mess, why can't you clean it? Have you considered what'll happen if one day you have kids and the child makes a mess. Will you stand idly by and let the kid sit in a stinky diaper because she's not around right now to clean him for you?

There's no reason why you can't have a bird and also have peace. She suggested a special bird room so the bird doesn't bother you. Your reaction to this great solution was to get in a huff about her planning what kinds of rooms YOUR house was going to have.

Why do you feel you need to control her? If you really don't like this aspect of this woman, I don't intend to sound mean, but why are you with her? Is this really a fulfilling relationship for both of you?

[RT Wolf]

^ Whoa, prescribing from your autobiography?

[Diandra25]

take it easy people...no need to be so radical.

When there is love and respect,pretty much everything can be resolved.

You need to sit down and talk to her,tell her what you feel,and tell her all with details.Maybe she does all that cause she hasnt felt yet,how much all that bothers you.
And if she begins to do the same pattern-considering at a personal attack,well from that part i guess it is her own personal trauma ( and ask her about that also.)Try to digg in and see if sth in the past happened that make her feel so insecure.

what worries me here is IF she does that talk only to run away from the issues,or to try to control you...or manipulate you.

This might sound harsh but it is a probability by what i am seeing.How long do you know each other?Do you consider that you know her very well,really deeply?

For instance,she is a Vet and of course she has to love animals...but it is a disrespect if she keeps bringing pets into your house,without asking your opinion.That is major issue here.

And like others said,i dont think you are the one trying to control here - she is the one who seems very insecure and most of the times it is this type of person who tries mind games or manipulative behaviour to try to make the partner do what he/she wants.

i cannot judge anyone.

I just think that you can easily resolve all this:serious talk,establishing some limits/bloundaries,telling the Truth to each other and be sincere.

No need to make the animals GO:they can be put in some area where the house dont smell so much and really...higyene is very important and for a Vet she seems a little odd in that area,or at least uncommon

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by funchy

There is no reason why cats can't live indoors. I have 5 cats, 4 of which are indoors. If she doesn't smell anything but you are bothered by the litterbox, why not just clean it more often ? If you clean it, there should be NO smell. None. I have no help cleaning my boxes, so I ended up buying a few Littermaids which automatically rake out the box after every use and put the nuggets in a closed bin. Male cats must be neutered, and done so early, to prevent them from spray-marking (different than peeing).

If you don't like bird mess, why can't you clean it? Have you considered what'll happen if one day you have kids and the child makes a mess. Will you stand idly by and let the kid sit in a stinky diaper because she's not around right now to clean him for you?

Funchy, I'm not trying to pick on you specifically, this sort of thing was mentioned earlier in the thread as well. I just picked your post to quote to spring-board my point.

It does not seem to me that the OP should be expected to take on the additional work of cleaning up after animals that he never agreed to have brought into the house. Obviously, if a couple has a baby, both should be expected to care for and clean up after the baby. Since the OP has no say (his opinion isn't even been asked) about whether these animals can be brought into the house, I don't see why he should have the responsibility to clean up after them. If one person in a relationship wants chooses to do something without bothering to even discuss it with the other person first, they should be willing to at least take 100% responsibility.

I love animals, and can't wait until I can get a dog. I don't have one now because my wife is allergic, and we don't have anywhere outside to keep one. As much as I would love to have a dog, I would never go get one without first discussing it with my wife. It seems to me that, likewise, the OP's partner should not be bringing animals into their house (no matter how much she loves them) without first discussing it. And by discussing it, I don't mean as a general topic. I believe that each individual animal brought into the house should be discussed and agreed upon by both before it is acquired.

[Posthumane]

I sympathize with the OP, as I recently found myself in a similar situation, though not nearly as extreme. My girlfriend had two cats before we bought a house together, and I was okay with that as I liked cats, though I didn't necessarily want to take care of them. I also didn't like that she let the cats have free reign and walk wherever they wanted. I talked with her about this, and she said that she would do the cleaning of the litter boxes, and other unpleasant duties of cat ownership. A few months later, I found I was doing a fair share of the cleaning. I wasn't really upset about that, but I started to get upset when I would let the cat litter cleaning slip due to other things I wanted to do, and she would complain that I wasn't doing my share of the duties. I reminded her of her promise that she would do that work, but she said that didn't matter because they were *our* cats now, not hers, and I have equal responsibility.

Later on we ended up acquiring a Cockatoo from her parents. I never liked birds much, and to this day I can't see why anyone would want one as a pet (it's incredibly loud and annoying when not completely satisfied). While I did reluctantly agree to taking the bird, it was largely out of a guilt trip (her parents were moving out, couldn't take the bird with them, she was its "mate", we can't give it away to a stranger, etc). I really began to dislike being in the house when the bird was noisy.

About the same time we were getting the bird, she decided that she absolutely needed a dog to be happy (she used to have dogs at her parents place too). I had never owned a dog and didn't have any desire whatsoever to. She was very insistent and told me she would be unhappy and unfulfilled without a dog. I eventually gave in and let her get one as a christmas present. Again, I insisted that this is *her* pet if she wants it, and that she would have responsibility for taking care of it. She agreed, but said she would want me to walk it when she's sick or away, which seemed reasonable to me. A short while later, I found myself walking the dog everyday after work. I did this on my own accord because I really felt he wouldn't get enough exercise otherwise. Recently we had an argument in which she brought up the fact that I didn't make dinner after work like I used to (she works later than I do) and I told her it was because I was walking the dog after work instead. She wasn't satisfied with that answer because, as she said, I don't *have to* walk the dog right after work.

Anyway, we are still trying to resolve some of our disagreements, but several things have helped. First of all, set strict limits about what you are comfortable with and what you are not, and make those known to her. For example, my gf's cats used to be allowed on the table at her place, and she would feed them scraps of food just as your gf does. I told her that is not okay for me. I like having the cats and all, but the kitchen table and counters are off limits to them. This was not a big restriction, so she agreed.

The second thing that I think was really helpful was thinking about what exactly it was that bothered me and why, and working on those root causes rather than the general issue of animals in the house. For example, I didn't want a dog because some of the people I knew who had dogs ended up with disgusting houses because of it. So what I really didn't want was a disgusting house, not necessarily a dog. After getting one I find that I like his company most of the time, I just have to be more diligent about keeping the house clean.

Constructive communication is very important. If there is some behaviour that you want to have her change, let her know about it in a constructive way. Inform her that you have big concerns about the sanitation issues of having the cats roam around on the table, rather than calling her habits disgusting. And do let her know that her getting animals without asking you makes you feel like she doesn't care about your opinion. If she cares about how you feel, then she will take that into consideration. If she doesn't, well that's a bigger issue that you have to sort out...

There are also some technical solutions you can look into for your problems. We have enclosed/covered litter boxes in our house which don't let out much odour if there is any. Self cleaning litter boxes are an option as well.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Why do you insist on letting your partner keep all these animals prisoner in your home? Domesticating animals is a big no-no. Tell her that what she is doing is taking away from the autonomy of these animals and that it would be in both your best interests to allow the animals to be free again. Putting animals in enclosed spaces tend to break their spirit. They are meant to be out in the wild, hunting for food and being free to move wherever they may please. Sure, in today's crazy civilization, there's nowhere really for them to go, but if you can find a wild area to bring them, it would be most beneficial to the animals and your living situation.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

Why do you insist on letting your partner keep all these animals prisoner in your home? Domesticating animals is a big no-no. Tell her that what she is doing is taking away from the autonomy of these animals and that it would be in both your best interests to allow the animals to be free again. Putting animals in enclosed spaces tend to break their spirit. They are meant to be out in the wild, hunting for food and being free to move wherever they may please. Sure, in today's crazy civilization, there's nowhere really for them to go, but if you can find a wild area to bring them, it would be most beneficial to the animals and your living situation.

In my opinion it would be an animal rights violation to release domesticated animals in the wild again!
They are used to be in the house, around humans with people taking care of them.
If that is right or wrong, we can argue about, but since it is a fact now.. it would be crual to leave them outside!

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by ssandra

In my opinion it would be an animal rights violation to release domesticated animals in the wild again!
They are used to be in the house, around humans with people taking care of them.
If that is right or wrong, we can argue about, but since it is a fact now.. it would be crual to leave them outside!

Probably dogs and cats.
But I don't think it would do birds, snakes, crickets and all the other animals people insist on domesticating any harm if someone let them go into their natural habitat. Now as someone who absolutely loves animals, I advocate non-domestication but for dogs and cats. You can either find a loving home for them or you are stuck with them. This is the issue I have with people taking on animals thoughtlessly. Think about them, not just yourself and your emotions.

[Jutta]

Marcus, I'm no expert but your partner sounds to me like a budding "animal hoarder" which is a psychological disorder. Animal hoarders start out with the best of intentions -- rescuing strays, adopting unwanted kittens, etc. -- but the situation spirals out of control as they compulsively add more and more animals to their collection. Unlike a previous poster implied, being a Crazy Cat Lady IS a problem, and not a very funny one at that.

Tragically, the "rescued" animals suffer from starvation, disease, and inbreeding as a result of neglect and the filthy conditions they trapped in. Sometimes they eat each other, and there have been cases where the starving animals had no choice but to devour their owner's dead body. The real rescue comes when Animal Control puts them down.

Google "animal hoarding" to find out more about this condition.

[172]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Wow!

If I had a boyfriend, and this boyfriend wanted to decide alone about who lives in our house, treated me as if I were a kid, and acted as if he knew what's "best" better than I do - the boyfriend would go.

Besides, it's not his house, it's their house.

But, this is exactly what SHE did to HIM by unilaterally making the decision repeatedly to bring another new pet into the home over and over again. You don't see that? And, then disregarding his requests to change some things about how the pets behave in the home is again, HER decision alone. They are not in mutual agreement about the pets' behavior. She's acting as if SHE knows what's "best" better than he - only they BOTH live there and maintain the home.

OP: I think this is a problem. I don't think you should be criticized for strongly disliking this issue and I don't think that it's wrong for you to admit that you do not feel "at home" in your own home anymore. In my opinion, it's bad enough that your mate made significant decisions unilaterally that affect the both of you AND your property....but that she is entirely unwilling to work with you to address some of your concerns about how the pets are maintained and how they behave...that's unacceptable, IMO. Not that you can force her to change, but you certainly shouldn't be made to feel castigated for being uneasy with it all.

[172]

Why are "animal people" so curt with "non-animal people"? Such resentment. I don't understand.

Originally Posted by funchy

This woman loves animals. You knew that when you met her. She did not keep it a secret. Of course, she's helping out animals in need here and there. One thing I am sure of is you CANNOT change her. If you force her to get rid of the animals, she'll all always resent you. You need to love all of her (including her hobbies) or you need to move on. Sorry, but I'm an animal person and I gotta tell it like it is.

It sounds like you're not an animal person. Maybe you were raised in a home with no pets or with only one or two (probably outdoor) pets? Nothing wrong with that, but you can't change her to be more like you.

It is absolutely not ok to try to control her and force her with ultimatums. Of course she's going to cry. It hurts when someone you love tries to change you or forces you to give up your passion. It's not a "tantrum". It's a loving woman being told she's got to choose between her pet and her boyfriend, and it's killing her. She cries because she cares.

There is no reason why cats can't live indoors. I have 5 cats, 4 of which are indoors. If she doesn't smell anything but you are bothered by the litterbox, why not just clean it more often ? If you clean it, there should be NO smell. None. I have no help cleaning my boxes, so I ended up buying a few Littermaids which automatically rake out the box after every use and put the nuggets in a closed bin. Male cats must be neutered, and done so early, to prevent them from spray-marking (different than peeing).

If you don't like bird mess, why can't you clean it? Have you considered what'll happen if one day you have kids and the child makes a mess. Will you stand idly by and let the kid sit in a stinky diaper because she's not around right now to clean him for you?

There's no reason why you can't have a bird and also have peace. She suggested a special bird room so the bird doesn't bother you. Your reaction to this great solution was to get in a huff about her planning what kinds of rooms YOUR house was going to have.

Why do you feel you need to control her? If you really don't like this aspect of this woman, I don't intend to sound mean, but why are you with her? Is this really a fulfilling relationship for both of you?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by 172

But, this is exactly what SHE did to HIM by unilaterally making the decision repeatedly to bring another new pet into the home over and over again. You don't see that?

Really? No, I don't see how this was unilateral.

Originally Posted by Marcus1968

My partner is a Vet Nurse and a registered bird carer. All great things and when we met I knew this and that she kept various sick birds at her house. Since then we have moved in together to our house we bought.

My partner allready owned one cat. First thing she did when moving in was she bought a dog. All good, dogs are great. Then she brought home a dog that was getting put down as it was uncontrollable according to its owner. That was ok as it was a nice little dog and we soon had it sorted. Next she brought home two kittens whos mother died. She was to hand rer them then give them to the local pet store, all good to my thinking. When it came time to give them to the store she couldn't part with them. After much debate and her crying and going a bit crazy on me, I gave in and she/we kept the kittens.

So, she might not have asked him beforehand, and she might cry etc. I'm certainly not saying her communication style is optimal! But as I see it, they did talk about it and he repeatedly agreed.

And now he resents her because he agreed? IMO: his problem.

Edit1: Marcus1968, sorry for talking about you in the third person.

Edit2: I wasn't talking about the OP, btw, I was replying to Alexjstrandberg's advice.

[RT Wolf]

^ To me, your position seems a bit fanatical and unreasonable. There appears to be rationalizations going on. I can tell your cat means a lot to you. What exactly does your cat mean to you? It seems to be in the order of a child.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

^ To me, your position seems a bit fanatical and unreasonable. There appears to be rationalizations going on. I can tell your cat means a lot to you. What exactly does your cat mean to you? It seems to be in the order of a child.

Are you talking to me?

I really don't see how I am being fanatical, and I don't see either what this has to do with the cat. We're talking about the communication between Marcus and his girlfriend.

Alex advised Marcus to treat his girlfriend as if she were an unreasonable little girl and I replied to him (Alex) that I would not accept to be treated like this by my boyfriend, if I had one. My comment wasn't directed at Marcus and does not even have much to do with animals in the first place. It could be applied to any other issue just as well.

As for the animal issue, it seems to me that Marcus did agree to have them in the house, because of what I quoted above. So the problem in my eyes is about him saying yes without really agreeing, or about him not standing his ground, more than about his girlfriend's love for animals. And that is, sorry, his problem.