Being 'hit on' by strangers

[dice]

What do you do!?

I am completely not used to being looked at/admired/talked to or have guys show any form of interest in me.

When it happens the odd time I instinctively blow them off, and come off as incredibly cold and mean - and I don't mean to at all! I honestly don't know how to react when something like that happens - I tend to assume guys have hidden motives etc. so I get on the defensive side...but it's killing so many opportunities

It's very distressing for me - it's hard for me to be genuine and affectionate around people I like - I accidently give them the cold shoulder to hide my feelings (so I don't get hurt I guess).

So basically what I'm asking is what do you usually get in return after hitting on someone/what was the best thing you got in return?

Basically, I just need an alternative to 'bewildered face' and 'icy eyes'

Care to share experiences?

(The last time for me was last weekend - A guy I was kind of eyeing tapped me on the shoulder and said, upfront 'you're very cute' and I kind of shrugged/nodded/slowly walked away (I wanted to say 'thanks, you too' but couldn't make it come out) and he did a 'pffffsssh'...I'm modest and have a hard time taking compliments seriously.)

PS. I'm an ESFP on the jung personality test. So I find friends easily...I'm just completely baffled by this guy stuff. Fill me in dudes!

[rawxstasy]

I understand what you are going through. In my case, I had alot of sexual abuse from childhood. So I put on weight to protect myself. When I lose the weight the attention from men skyrockets. In the past, I have found that difficult to deal with. I just see all these faces staring at me wherever I go. My therapist told me that I will get used to it and eventually I did. I used to panic when people would admire me. Now I can handle it when men (or women) admire me and smile at me - but I still freak out when someone comes up to talk to me.
My heart will start pounding and I feel like I"m frozen and can't respond. (see my thread Overcoming Anxiety in social and relationships) I am working on this using EFT as explained very well in that thread.

Try some relaxation exercises when the situation comes up. Now I try to breathe deeply and slowly and tell myself "I am safe." It will get better as you have more of these experiences.

[RT Wolf]

Interesting. I'm curious as to why you think that people "shouldn't" be talking to you. I mean, do you really not believe you're attractive, or have value or aren't worthy enough to have people be interested in you? Or do you just distrust physical attraction motives? Think deeply about why you think what you think.

Let's say that your ideal response is indeed appreciation of the compliment (being called cute). What belief changes or thought changes do you need to get there?

Edit: Perhaps you have a self-image or belief taht you are not very attractive, so attention from guys is incongruent with that image so it feels weird. Perhaps you have to accept that you are now (maybe you became more attractive) attractive to at least some guys. It seems like a non-trivial number of guys are giving you feedback that you're attractive to them. Doesn't eman you'll be attractive to 100% of guys (no one is, ie I'm not attracted to Angelina Jolie, which is like heresy among guys), but that you're attractive to a certain percentage, of which a certain percentage is talking to you.

and if oyu think that being attractive is contingent on certain things, IE: "If I weigh x pounds, i'll be attractive" or "If I'm dressed well, then I'm attractive" or "If my hair is nice, then I'm attractive" really doesn't have to be true. Sure, whatever condition you have in mind may make you more attractive, but that doesn't mean that you're unattractive if you aren't like that.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by dice

So basically what I'm asking is what do you usually get in return after hitting on someone/what was the best thing you got in return?

I rarely "hit on" people with a purpose in mind, or with a possible future in mind. When I do say something like "wow you're beautiful, you have great eyes, or I like your hair" it is just something in the moment and my filter that labels that as inappropriate doesn't work so much anymore. It flies out of me before I have a chance to stop it.

And I think because of that - it is received well. Usually I get a 'thank you' back. Sometimes I get a smirk and an energetic 'I don't know what to do' and I usually will say something like "feel awkward now?" with a smile. And that will break the ice on a little chit chat about how she has such a hard time accepting compliments.

But that's me, an INFJ, I know what's going on in your head all the time. I assume the other guys you meet don't do that, don't feel the communication getting stuck, and help things move again.

Originally Posted by dice

Basically, I just need an alternative to 'bewildered face' and 'icy eyes'

Practice receiving the complement, any complements, from anyone. You have to have a little voice in your head that rewords the complement. When you hear "you're very cute", take a moment and receive it as "I'm telling me I'm very cute". (all-is-one and this is closer to reality than seeing the guys and complements as separate from yourself. All the world's a mirror. )

Stay present... if you're mind's going off to 'where will this go?', pull yourself back to here and now. Talk to him from where you are and what you want to do now. "Thank you. You're cute too. I have an errand to go to. Bye." or "Thanks. You're cute too. What's your name?."

[roxyruby]

Been through it!!!! It was heartbreaking acting like that, because of my self consciousness, because of my fear, because of my low self esteem... Maybe the website in my signature will help.

[polyfulcrum]

This has been a shift for me as well. I was an awkward late-bloomer, who used to be rather shy and lacking in self confidence. These days, I start with a "Thank you!", smile, and, if I can manage it, let them know that I appreciate it when people share how they perceive me, as it helps me see myself in a different light.

[ilrein]

Hey dice,

I'm very interested, if someone were approach you and tell you your cute, then immediately invite you for a coffee (or something situationally convenient), would you still brush them away? What I'm wondering is whether you blow off these guys just because they put the ball in your court, rather than something you can immediately respond too.

[cylon]

I like this OP because it shows that just because a girl may reject a man, doesn't mean she's cold or uncaring or even uninterested, so not to take rejection so personally.

[Montrealonmymind]

Just don't act awkward! Act like it's a funny situation or something if you are not interested. Is it really that big of a deal if another human being is hitting on you? Loosen up and wink back if you are interested, start a conversation or laugh it off if you are not interested - don't do the mother Theresa thing....Depending on what guy is hitting on you.

[Zerox]

Pretend that you own them.
Yes, OWN THEM. They are your property. You own the world and everyone in it.

And if someone starts talking to you, turn around with that newly found confidence and answer "Why yes I am, You could use a touch-up though" and Smirk. And off you go into the wonderland of playful attraction.

Whenever I feel low on self esteem. I just think to myself "I own you" or any of the sort.

I wish women would pick up guys more often. It's so difficult to find interesting people now days. And one thing that I find interesting is women who take action. Not just sit and wait.

[zack637]

Your ego. Let it go.

You're not special - nothing more than a bag of skin and bones.

[Zuvuya42]

I have done the same thing as the poster (im male), and it was really just a way to cover up shyness and low self esteem. I honestly think flirting is really silly, so i do it in a silly way - i cant keep a straight face otherwise.
Alot of guys do in fact have hidden motives, but are they any different than a womans? Everyone is driven by sex in the end, why else would you want to be considered cute if not ultimately for the purposes of sex? This doesnt mean you have to give it up within the first few weeks or even months, but it does mean that its alright for both people to desire sex.

If i was hitting on someone, and said "you're very cute", the response i would want the most would be something playful; such as "What about me is cute?" - said in a teasing sort of way, not in a standoffish way. Just saying thanks can still seem cold and like a blow off, so respond in a playful way (i wouldnt suggest insulting them and then walking off though, as per the above...) that shows you want to keep talking and are interested. Guys like being asked questions about themselves and their thoughts (initially) as much as women.

The best thing i "got" from flirting? A fantastic girlfriend. But im an INFP so it was probably very sensitive flirting, lol.

[ssandra]

Something that helps to accept compliments better is to practice with friends.

Just agree with a few friends that everytime you see each other you give them a really meant compliment and you can only react on it by saying "thank you".

You are not allowed to dress down the compliment like; "ow, this thing? This is already very old" or something like that.

Just "thank you".

It really does make you feel good, it will make your friends feel good as well.

Giving compliments makes it easier to accept them as well..

[polyfulcrum]

Another thing I've tried to get myself used to receiving compliments is to give them, observe the responses, and notice which ones feel most genuine to me. At that point, apply it to yourself when someone else compliments you. Once you've done some harmless flirty complimenting (you can even practice with friends), it gets easier to take a compliment well and acknowledge a potential interest.

[jaamkie]

I have the opposite problem- I learned to accept all compliments with a smile and "thank you", though I have a boyfriend, so am open to conversation but not to flirting... somehow I have a hard time communicating that to men, and end up feeling very awkward when after a bit of banter and conversation they squeeze my shoulders or touch my hand and look into my eyes and try to turn it from light conversation into some serious compliment implying or leading to a request for something romantic... I feel so awkward and artificial casually mentioning my boyfriend in the first minute of conversation if he doesn't naturally come up, and even more awkward assuming the man is being more-than-just-friendly and straight out saying "sorry I have a boyfriend", but I wish I could communicate that I'm not available before they start cuddling up and saying "aren't your dimples adorable" or whatever. sigh... number one reason men should get married- to have wife wearing a ring publically announcing she's not available for a new relationship...

[rawxstasy]

jaamkie,

Maybe you could try wearing a ring on your hand. (fake wedding ring). I've tried this, sometimes it doesn't work (some guys just don't care) but it might put some guys off.

[RT Wolf]

jaamkie, there's a ring, can't remember what it's called. Irish. The way you wear it and where you were it on your hand tells others whether you're looking, not available, etc. It's got like a heart on it. Though I suppose most people won't be able to read it.

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

jaamkie,

Maybe you could try wearing a ring on your hand. (fake wedding ring). I've tried this, sometimes it doesn't work (some guys just don't care) but it might put some guys off.

Acually, it can make you invisible to some.
YouTube - Scrubs Women With Wedding Rings

[Eric Roosevelt]

Being hit on by strangers is bound to surprise you. If you feel a little taken aback by it, I don't blame you. In fact, I think that's the correct reaction. After all, you don't actually know these people.

[RT Wolf]

^ I disagree with that. Everyone's a stranger until you talk to them or they talk to you.