I want my girlfriend back!

[impachi]

...ok sooo this is what happened! Today my girlfriend decided to hang out with her friends (3 girls, 5-6 guys) today and not invite me, i called her and asked her what she was doing today and she said "nothing just hanging out with some friends", i asked if i could hang out too. Then she said no i don't want to hang out with you today. soo i asked oook why don't you wanna hang out with me then. she said "i just don't want to". I kinda went a little crazy because this past week me and her were arguing pretty much non-stop. I kept calling her back and eventually she got really mad at me and hung up the phone on me (i REALLY hate it when people hang up on me). So i called back and said things i shouldn't have, but before i got off the phone i said B***h to her. I then called back and said i was sorry i just got really frustrated. But then she said that our relationship is over! I had soo many mixed emotions i almost had a panic attack...no joke. So i tried to call her to talk about exactly why we broke up. She said only briefly that "we pretty much broke up because we treated each other like crap, and the fact that i called her a B***h made things even worse, and i also would never say that im sorry when i did things to offend her! I don't know what to do i want her back sooo badly but she just says every time "NO". I'm now realizing all these things that caused us to break up, and im telling her to give me one more chance, but her answer is still "NO", and on top of things a friend of mine and hers is going over her house tomorrow (She told me when we were dating that she is attracted to this guy but she doesn't like him) to me there's no difference but maybe im wrong. Please give me ANY advice. Anything would really help me out!!!

Oh and i should also add that both of us were in an emotionally abusive relationship, (thats what my mom told me, lol)
~C~

[TaylorLord]

First things first, no matter what is going on you need to give her complete space at this point. When women get in arguments they like to think and think oh yeah and they like to think so more.

Women need to reevaluate the situation vent to girlfriends etc, this can sometimes take a few days to a week. By giving her the appropriate space(not contacting her in any way or fashion) you are allowing her to be able to heal and perhaps let you take her back. I know this doesn't seem logical but in the long run you will keep both your dignity and maybe even the relationship(if you have the patients.) Cause right now the relationship is in her court and hers alone.

At the same time this will give you the chance to not look so clingy/desperate and maybe even bring you into some good habit forming. Being neeedy is a complete turn off to all people in most situations. It makes you look and sound like you have nothing better to do/have no life. Now i know this isn't true you are a vast being! Start yourself into some interesting hobbies and meet some cool people. That way when shes hanging with friends you have some of outlet of your own and it will be completely equal.

You are going to want to keep busy, because thinking about her all the time is only going to make you want to contact her or one of her FRIENDS! Do not by any means contact one of her friends this is guy code! This makes you appear like a stalker and makes you seem like a very drastic and antcey person! Keep your mind on other things, hangout with friends play video games, exercise!

Usually the reason why women want to hang out with there friends is basically because they need time/space away from you. Dont take this as an insult Its nothing personal. You would probably expect her the same right! How would you feel if she got mad at you for hanging with your friends? You may feel some resentment!

Another reason can be because things are getting very routine or boring! Thinking back im sure you could identify alot of routines such as this that made you seem not so enjoyable to be with! Keep things fresh switch it up from time to time. Dont always eat at the same restaurant. Dont always call her the same names. Dont always give her the same generic compliments. Women like effort! Make a point to do something you have never done with her or talked about, every time you see her. How great would it be for you to seem incredible fun and spontaneous!? I would definitely like to hang out with that kind of person any day!

Relationships are like fish you need to give it space in order to grow! As far as the hanging with guys stuff, you need to treat her hanging with other guys like its nothing. That not even in a million years could she get a guy as good as you. This is going to keep you in confident mode and she is going to be like "he trusts me fully aww i wouldn't ever cheat on him, he is so confident in us!" Insecurity can give people reasons to look elsewhere so don't do it! By all means at least fake confidence! Switching the situation to make her understand by telling her you are going to hang out with some girls will also put some reality on the sitation! and maybe she will be able to see where you are coming from!

Now that you screwed up things big time Use this time as an opportunity to think about what you want? Do you just like the idea of hanging a girlfriend? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that is so quick to pull the plug? Do you want a girlfriend that hang up on you and doesn't respect you?! Listen to your instincts when you answer these questions to yourself and do not use excuses!

Last but not least when she decides that she wants to talk to you again, don't be so quick to say yes. Keep her wondering(atleast a day or two) This transforms the power back to you! This will also make you look super attractive. Keep you head up and be confident, know that it will all work out as long as you play your role right! I have seen too many of my friends fail by not being able to stick it out and be patient! Make her beg you to take her back!

And heaven forbid if you are still waiting for her after a month or two, i suggest you to move on yes move on. This means stop caring, stop thinking about her and stop thinking about being mean and wanting to kill her new bf. 100% of the time after you break up with someone you just miss the routine of seeing them, alittle jealousy arises but just get busy and time sorts it all out. Then and only then it becomes easier and easier to heal. Getting stuck on a girl has no benefits, It can make you miss out on a ton of other opportunity's and can keep down and out for a long time! Dont become obsessed with this small failure because its infact not a failure at all. You succeeded in dating someone you dont want to be with! 9482982984298 more to go ! Love sometimes has to fail so you can grow and prevail!

Keep me updated on this

[Billiardsguy2006]

TaylorLord has really good advice. The proven method for getting your girlfriend back is counterintuitive. Follow these steps:

OPENING MOVE

1. Text your ex a short apology message(or write one by hand and mail it). Admit that you were immature. Admit that you hurt her feelings. Tell her you completely understand that she needs space. Be in complete agreement with her.

Rationale: Before you get her back, you have to get on her side. You cannot get back with her by disagreeing. You need to agree with her. Otherwise, you perpetuate the argument.


MAIN GAME
1. Stop all contact with your ex for the next 30 days(assuming she has not called you by then). This will be your 30 day challange-to avoid contact with your ex. Use all the self-discipline and control you have NOT to contact her.

2. Focus on friends, family, sports, studies, work, whatever that takes your mind off. Even start dating other girls.

3. Also think about whether this relationship is right for you. Maybe it's not the right one. You'll need this time apart to put some perspective on the relationship. Realize there's so many other girls that are potentially a better fit with you.

END GAME
1. If your ex calls you. Do not pick up the phone. Call them back later that day or the following day. You want to appear like you do not need her. This will make you look confident and independent.

2. If your ex text messages. Do not text the same day. Text the following day with a message something like "hey, great to hear from you..hope you're doing well". Keep the comment brief, polite and simple.

Result->If your ex calls or text messages after that, keep the conversation going. But DO NOT suggest getting back together. The decision is hers to make. Do not force her. Just keep the conversation short and sweet.

The rest is "magic".

[impachi]

Originally Posted by TaylorLord

Keep me updated on this

Thank you for you're advice, its probally the best advice ive gotten all night, lol. Yeah i deff. haven't called her friends, (and don't plan to), at first in the beginning of our relationship it was 99.9% great...but ever since then its just been going downhill! I really want her back but she already has a guy thats both mine and her friend go over her house later today (she told me while we were dating that she is attracted to him), i don't want her to start dating anyone, because i want to get back together with her. It's just she told me that her answer is no and she's no changing it. (=[[

[dice]

Redeem yourself. Find another girl, treat her like gold, make sure this one sees how you've changed your behaviour. If you still want her, she'll probably take you back when she sees how you are with other people.

[impachi]

Originally Posted by dice

Redeem yourself. Find another girl, treat her like gold, make sure this one sees how you've changed your behaviour. If you still want her, she'll probably take you back when she sees how you are with other people.

yaa i dsid go out n' buy her a movie (i know she'd like it), but im having second thoughts bout givin' it to her. lol

[Lauxa]

Hey there impachi, sorry this had to happen to you.

During this time apart, you may want to spend some time thinking about who you want to be in relationships. A couple of ideas I've been playing with:

I make people feel comfortable.
I make people feel good about themselves.
I am a healing presence.

You may have some others, brainstorm as many ideas as you can and pick a few that appeal to you the most. Or just notice something that you've been doing that's not working and try to figure out what would be the opposite of that. For instance clingy->powerful & independent, manipulative->mind my own business, etc.

You'll probably notice a lot in these next days and weeks your mind running back over what happened. You may be able to pick out a negative feeling to the energy of those thoughts. That's the perfect time to redirect your thoughts to focus on a more positive way of being. I like to say a mantra, and then ask the question "what would it look like if x?" to get the visualization centers fired up as well.

Sending you lots of love and a big [[[HUG]]].

[Richy]

Well, try some different mental approach.
For Instance,

If you walk around frustrated, you will condition yourself to be
that way.

In other words, feeling frustrated is something you DO, not
something you ARE.

Rejection is a good thing, if you learn something every time.

BE POSITIVE
I am worthy.
I am the prize.
I am the CEO of my own life and hire and fire people at will.

I love this woman but not NEED Her.
I love her just the way she is & give her space to be.

[AGBourne]

Its over.

Don't try to get her back.

DO NOT GET HER BACK.

I promise you that you will be in unhappy place ifyou try to get her back. Forget about what Hollywood tells you, when a guy chases the girl of his dreams at the end of the movie and all ends happy ever after.

I am sorry for your loss and now its time to delete her phone number. It will hurt sure, but you will be better off.

To go back to what you did before she broke up with you. You shouldn't have called her and ask her why you can't hang out, or call her about why she broke up with you.

Should have told her, "Ok, have a good life."

I have to give you some tough love.

Get pissed but move on. You have to realize that it is over. Don't call her, ever. She will eventually contact you but it will be when you really don't care anymore.

Watch swingers film.

DON"T CALL HER, TEXT HER or CONTACT HER.

Move on with your life. This is the best time of your life, don't loose this momentum to get your life in a new direction.

[Indiana]

Okay so...

- You both argued all week
- She decided to spend time with some people other than you (quite possibly because you'd been fighting all week)
- You felt jealous so rang and rang and rang and rang and rang until she was so frustrated she hung up on you
- You rang again and said some 'things you shouldn't have' and called her a b*tch
- She decided things really weren't working out and broke it off

Where is the value in this relationship? You fought all week, you can't handle her having her own space, and you harboured enough anger towards her to say horrible things. What bit of this is good? The fights? The frustration? Thinking she's a b*tch and feeling jealous? What bit do you want back?

It sounds like at the moment, she made the most positive decision for both of you. Your relationship's not working, you both need some space. Take a break for a few weeks and then see how you feel. At the moment I don't feel like there's a lot of positive energy around your relationship.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by dice

Redeem yourself. Find another girl, treat her like gold, make sure this one sees how you've changed your behaviour. If you still want her, she'll probably take you back when she sees how you are with other people.

And what happens to the other girl he's been treating like gold once his old girlfriend wants him back? Does the new girl just get dumped once her purpose has been served?

I don't think advising someone to use another person as a means to an end is very positive advice.

[carnelian heart]

Put your emotions into music, form a band, practice once or twice a week.

That way you'll forget about her and have something to keep you busy. And maybe in a few years you will see each other at your show and you can remember that spark, because you probably had chemistry (just let her make the first move).

Also, if there happens to be another girl, I agree. Treat her like gold.

Good luck.

[AGBourne]

Originally Posted by carnelian heart

Also, if there happens to be another girl, I agree. Treat her like gold.

Good luck.

He needs to work on himself before he can treat another girl like gold.

Don't put anyone, including women above or below you.

Its time to treat yourself like gold.

[tintin]

Originally Posted by AGBourne

He needs to work on himself before he can treat another girl like gold.

Don't put anyone, including women above or below you.

Its time to treat yourself like gold.

yep.

[Corey]

No means no......means she doesn't want you back. Move on.

[impachi]

Ohhh and now she said "i love you" at the end of our conversation both times yesterday!

does this mean somthing?




~C~

[Zuvuya42]

It means you had a fight. It doesnt sound like a healthy relationship though (given the fighting and lack of respect for set boundaries, or even the lack of boundaries entirely), but such things can be repaired if both people are willing. Which she doesnt seem to be (and honestly, that sounds like its for the best).

In the future, remember this:
People need space, even if we dont admit that to ourselves. I make sure to deny about 1/3rd of my impulses to invite my girlfriend out or talk to her and we have a wonderful relationship (i do this because i know i can be a bit clingy - not only does it make her feel good, but it makes me feel empowered).
Communication is really important, with your next partner make sure to sit down and clearly define what is appropriate and what isnt for both of you once the relationship has been set (first month of dating, maybe?).
Set boundaries, make time to be apart, make time to play together, to hang out and be intimate with each other (intimacy isnt always sex, and planning sex ruins it) - dont let it get boring or too "coupely". Another good thing to do is to have a set, monthly relationship check up to see what is working and what isnt - be honest!
Dont be afraid that if you define what you want, and she defines what she wants that you wont get along. Because if you arent what the other person wants, its never going to work. If you are always frustrated with your partner, you either need to talk to them about it, change your perspective, or move on.

I will concede to the fact that your ex wasnt being communicative when she said "i just dont want to hang out", but women (i know this isnt PC) are like cats. The more they are pressured, the less they want to do something and the more they retreat into themselves.

She might have said she loved you on your recent phone call, and she may just mean it, but that doesnt mean she wants to be with you again (do you feel like you need her love?). Nor does it mean its going to be good to get back into this relationship, which you yourself defined as emotionally abusive. Let it go, tell her you cant talk to her for a while, and spend the time you arent talking getting her out of your life and social network. If you still feel she is worth having as a friend after you have totally separated yourself and let go of your "baggage" from the relationship, then try for that.

As someone said, this isnt hollywood or a romance novel, chasing a girl will only net you a restraining order.

Its not the end of the world, you are probably young and will have many, many more relationships. If you learn from this one (learn, not beat yourself up, but learn) they will be even better. I suggest buying yourself a copy of "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It will radically change the way you perceive relationships and yourself.

Good luck!

[impachi]

Thanks Everyone you all had great advice...im glad i can got on to the internet and talk to complete strangers about my past relationship, and get very good advice


thanks again everyone




...IM MOVING ON NOW, i realized what i need to do to better my future relatioships...THNX A TON!!!

(;-]

[frajilthunder]

Originally Posted by Zuvuya42

but women (i know this isnt PC) are like cats.

Sort of. I have had women hiss and scratch, but I've never seen one cough up a furball or take a dump in a box.

[SupersecretIdentity]

I know this won't be what you want to hear, but take it from someone who has been in your shoes before: It's time for some tough love.

I won't try to speculate on the nature of your relationship, for the sake of argument I'll assume that was, disregarding the last week, overall a pretty stable, enjoyable experience. Either way, this is going to be about you.

I know what it's like to chase a girl and try to spend time with her no matter what she is doing. The thing you imagine that would make you happier than anything would be for her to start wanting to spend all sorts of time with you. You probably don't even always like doing whatever she's doing, but either convince yourself you do, or put up with it just so you can spend time with her.

You need your own life

I can't even stress the total impact of this statement. Not only do you need your own friends, own hobbies, own interests, you also need a lot of the personal characteristics that come with it: independence, self-confidence, positivity.

From the little bit that you have revealed, you sound a lot like how I used to be. Sure, I had my own things I enjoyed, but I would drop them to spend time with my GF any time of the day. I would avoid making plans with people in advance just in case the opportunity might come up to hang out with her. This is so incredibly unattractive, and from your/my former perspective, this is a hard concept to grasp.

Consider this thought experiment: You have your own person fan club. They adore you, you can do no wrong no matter how poorly you treat them. They will hang out with you at the drop of a hat, respond to your every beck and call. They ask you what you would like to do for fun. They are effectively robot slaves for you. It might sound awesome at first, but when you get a mental image, they become annoying, lifeless drones that are basically leeching fun and excitement from you. You aren't actually their god, you are their entire sense of entertainment and self worth. You are directly, and unilaterally responsible for their happiness.

Not such a fun picture, is it?

This is exactly what it's like for her. You support her, do anything she wishes, but you aren't really bringing anything into the relationship. You provide a warm body and she is responsible for making sure you enjoy yourself.

There is really much, much more depth to this entire situation, so just try and let these thoughts sink in over time. This is a great time to start journaling and asking yourself the tough questions that no one likes to face. Breaking up was probably the best thing that ever happened to me - it started an unstoppable personal development snowball effect.

In the mean time, here's what you should really be working on:

Find your own interests. Try out things you have never found the time or courage to do. Experiment, if you don't like it, try something else

Learn how to be happy alone. Ask yourself if you would like to hang out with you. If the answer is no, you have work to do. How can you reasonably expect anyone to want to be around/with you, if you wouldn't want to? Once you learn to love yourself, everyone else can come join the party too.

Meet people, make friends. Build your social circle up. Plan something to do every night of the week.

This is a FANTASTIC 30 day challenge: commit to doing something social every day/night for 30 days straight. Here are the rules:

You have to do something each night. Staying in watching TV/playing games doesn't count. As a rule of thumb, it should be something you can proudly tell someone about when they ask what you did last night. If all you did was hang around the house watching TV and you say "nothing", try again.

You have to accept any invitations you get from someone else. If you already have something planned for that time, offer a different time to get together. If it is a one-time activity, invite that person out to do something else.

You have to try to invite people to hang out with you. Instead of calling up your friend and saying "What do you want to do tonight?" call them and say "Hey, would you like to go to XYZ with me?" When you start being the social coordinator, amazing things happen. People start calling you, you meet more friends, and a positive feedback loop begins.

You may be asking yourself, "What is the point in all this stuff? I just want another girlfriend"

If that thought just went through your mind, you know you have work to do. That is a sign that you are more interested in the idea of a relationship than an actual person. This is not a healthy route to go down. Use this time and emotional energy to work on yourself. Build yourself up, and then women will start chasing you

[julien]

Unlike most of the previous posters, I would advise you to renounce any kind of sophistication. Admit your mistakes, express your feelings and expectations in a candid way, and try to compromise (provided you believe that it's worth it). Don't drop things too easily, but also make sure that you are not losing your time: I know this is a very hard balance to find, but you need to find it.

And always remember: in a relationship, things always deteriorate when one starts pointing at responsibilities. In a couple, nobody's right and nobody's wrong; a couple is made of two people who try to get along with each other, and this shall remain your primary concern ...

Good luck

[Alexjstrandberg]

Yes she is attracted to him and yes she likes him. Odds are good that she has cheated on you. A good sign to look out for in future relationships (not with her) is if all of a sudden her behavior changes for no reason what so ever. That's when you need to start asking questions and get to the bottom of it. When you do ask questions don't accept "I don't know" as an answer or stop asking if she starts to get angry with you.

Relationships are supposed to be two people wanting to spend time with one another. If they don't want to spend that much time together it's just a friendship. If she stops inviting you places then you should call it quits because the relationship is on it's way out the door.

If you get worried about one of her male friends odds are something is up. Frequent calls, being a little too friendly is cause for concern.

Always question whether or not it's your paranoia or something is really going on. If she always includes you in outings, is honest and loving towards you it's probably your paranoia. If it's not then you need to address the issue.

Just make sure that she is leaking sexual energy from the relationship before you confront her. If you aren't sure you will get killed. A lot (not all) women are good at turning things around to make you doubt yourself. If you are certain that her behavior is unacceptable then you won't fall for the argumentative tricks.

The only way I would think of getting back together with a girl like this is if she was genuinely sorry for what she did and cut all ties with this guy. People do change but need to change their behaviors they are apologizing for or you will hear "sorry" a whole lot.