Abusive marriage???

[Pixiesparkles6]

Hi all
Im just going to give a brief account of what is going on as Im looking for anyone whos been through this.

Ok this is my second marriage and so Im devastated that things are going wrong. Or maybe they were never right?!

A week ago I reached what I can only decribe as my breaking point or maybe awakening as I feel like Ive been absent in my life and am looking round going "wtf" at everything I see.

My husband and I rarely talk, hes always on the computer from the time he gets home to the time he watches a bit of tv and then passes out from the two bottles of red wine or cider that he drinks every night without fail.

There are times when we sit and have a chat or watch a movie but it always seems to be on his terms.
I feel in a word suffocated and like Im wasting my life, I dont understand my emotions as a week ago I seemed fine with things?

Throughout our relationship he has hit me, punched me( he punched me in the head whilst I was holding our baby because Id gone out for a couple hours to a christian meeting in preparation for our baby christening that Sunday, he said if I respected him and loved him I wouldnt go out somewhere he didnt like. He was very drunk and this was three night after we got married) thrown batteries at me, thrown wine at me, grabbed me by my throat and dragged me on the stairs.

He, when he was very drunk, threatened to kill me and removes the tv card and phone line when Im being 'cheeky'.

Now your all prob thinking what a ****! she needs to leave or something but it hasnt all happened all at once like that and this is over a number of years with 'good' times inbetween. Its just that all of a sudden I can see myself and I see him as selfish even though hes the breadwinner and a good father to my two children, one from previous marriage.

He seems to be supportive but day to day he nags that im not good enough that im not a real woman, cooking cleaning and doing his laundry on time.(he gives me his work clothes at 9pm sometimes and says he needs them for the next day)
I am totally dependant on him for money, transport(I cant drive yet, gave up money so we could do our kitchen) and as we moved to where we could afford a home of our own I now have no family or friends near.

I have been to the docs recently and they say im clinically depressed and have arranged a psycho-analyst to assess me. This is what happenend last year but I never went back to the docs as they wanted to see my husband in order to help me but he wouldnt go and said more or less I need to get a grip as its embarrasing.

The last violent episode happened in Oct 08-last year. He dragged me by my throat onto the stairs in front of my kids. I made him leave but he promised to address his anger issue and be a better husband and stop drinking but he hasnt.
Thing is because he hasnt been violent I feel like im making something out of nothing and am just doing the grass is greener thing??

I am 26 years old 27 this year and feel a failure, weak and an awful mother!!I feel that it is too late to start again and that my youth is gone and that no one is going to want me as a friend let alone maybe a partner(to be honest Im not really interested in romance at the mo my head cant take it) I feel like ive wasted my life and its all downhill.

I know this seems long but really this is only part of my story and this is about as brief as it gets.
Any advice or help greatly appreciated but no haters as i already do that enough and its taken me all my will power not to delete this!!

[Ontowhere]

I am so sorry, to hear that. Whatever you are describing is an abuse in every sence.
You are not just imaginening.
I would advise you to find a social work service or contact women's shelter, near you, for advice.
At your age, you are young and have a lot things going for you.

[Holistic Star]

Yes you are in an abusive relationship.

You would still be, even if there wasn't violence. The psychological indimidation and chipping away at your confidence is enough that makes it abusive.

FFS he hit you when you were holding a baby because you had been to church and he didn't like it.

I will tell you my story as I think it might help. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years from when I was 22 to 25. Before it happened, I never thought something like that could happen to me. I completly understand how you think the good times inbetween are enough to make up for the bad times. But I'll bet anything you tiptoe around on eggshells trying not to upset him. I'll bet you minimise your self and your needs all the time to avoid 'provoking' him. I bet he blames his anger on you.
I went to the doctors too and they told me I was depressed. And I too didn't go back because I thought he might get angry with me for it. (Funny how my depression lifted the minute I left him).

I tried to leave several times, but each time he reeled me back in with sob stories about how he had changed and things would be different. I believed him every time.

Then one day, something inside me snapped. I knew I wanted better for myself. Once I made that internal decision everything suddenly became easy. I walked out not knowing where I was going. But in the end everything worked out.

I started again at 25. That's only a couple of years younger than you are now. I didn't know anyone in the town I lived in, he had managed to alienate all my friends. I got lodgings through someone I hardly knew and managed to make 1 friend. Through that person I met lots of other people and little by little I got back on my feet.

You say you have no family or friends near to help. Could you move back and stay with a relative or friend for a couple of months to give yourself time to sort yourself out? I bet your family don't know what is going on. If they knew do you think they would want you to stay there?


You owe it to yourself and your children not to be in this situation. Do you want your children growing up with the message that violence is ok?

You can do it. You really can. I'll tell you what held me back for a long time was pride. I was too proud to ask for help or admit what was happening even to my own family. I told myself I had to do it on my own and that I couldn't afford to leave as he had stolen a lot of money from my bank account. Once I left, my parents offered me money to get back on my feet, the guy who I lodged with offered me free rent for a month to help (I chose to pay but the offer was there). It's amazing how much support is out there when you make a move.


You're not alone. You can get help and support and do the best thing for yourself and your children.

[The Cloud]

Don't kid yourself about him being a good father. Kids are impressionable, and they're picking up on everything he is doing and saying, including the violence and lack of respect for you.

You have a choice. I can't tell you how to make it, but it does exist. Stay if you want, but if you do it probably is all downhill from here. Your kids will probably learn to resent you for putting them in this situation, or have no respect for you because that's what you and their father have taught them. Even if they don't resent you, they will resent the situation and that this was the childhood that they were forced to live.

My mother is married to my verbally abusive step-father, and has made many of the same excuses that you have for staying with him. I had a miserable childhood from when she married him on, and that was without any physical abuse. I don't really resent it anymore, but it hurt me a lot for a long time. This is what you are doing to your children, and they might not be able to escape the pain they have been taught to feel.

You're not doing this to yourself alone. I'm not trying to guilt-trip you, I just want you to recognize that your children are not ok with this situation, and that you are as much party to it as your husband.

[Pixiesparkles6]

Thank you to all of you. Yesterday I told him I want a separation and he was a bit mad but calmed down and now is doing the I know its for the best and this is right for you and the kids. Hes even admitting that hes done it to the relationship[/I]
He kept being nice and understanding then not in cycles but I spoke to a abuse helpline and they helped me so even tho I have no confidence that this is right and am scared that Im throwing away a chance to be happy Im doing it anyway.
Hope that made sense?!
Hes being nice at the mo about it but I reckon and am going to prepare myself for things to turn nasty when it sinks in that it really IS ending?!!
I cant stay with mum or gparents as they arent really supportive(mum went a bit mad when my dad left her so gparents look after her and i seem to mother her when ever we have contact) my bro is ok but has his own family.
Im ready to face this on my own so to speak just wish I knew it was going to be ok. but I suppose in three months Ill be ok
What the hardest thing is when hes being so nice to describe him and put him down as the horrible abusive man.
But then last night he locked me out of this computer and unplugged the phone. Now this am Im able to use the phone but he unlocks the computer for me and then will lock it again so I cant use it when hes at work.
I know that this is no way for me to live my life nor my kids to see?
Stupidly tho I have a feeling of pity for him as if he is a victim of something that has made him this way and thus makes him angry man but I have to put my kids first and if he wont sort it out and get help, if me and the kids arent worth enough for him to accept his wrongs and try to correct them then I have no other option but to get out.!!

Please keep the words of encouragement (even if they are "cruel to be kind ) as i have drawn so much strength from what has been written already so thanks again.
Especially to Holistic star, reading your story helped so much and I feel comforted that Im not alone!! so thanks.

[The Cloud]

You're a braver woman than most .