Should I toughen up?

[skye11]

This may seem trivial to some but its really getting to me and Id appreciate some other peoples opinions. I spent the whole day with my best friend and her fiancee who I usually get along really well with. But today they seem to be deliberately trying to hurt my feelings. They know Im a very sensitive person but nevertheless keep trying to embarass me and push me into a corner. They say things like "too much chocolate will make your arse so fat!" or "what do you mean you dont want a drink? youre so f***ing ungrateful!" Yep - this is their sense of humour which I find really offensive when its aimed directly at me.

Like I say, Im a very sensitive person and they know this. I know theyre only joking but is there an underlying message I am missing? When I refused to fight back, she points out very proudly that I have a victim mentality. Correct me if Im wrong but that means you go about life blaming other people for all your problems? (I know Im complaining about them now and I get the irony...) But I dont normally do that, and I think she is getting mixed up because I look sad when I get insulted, i.e. like a victim. I feel like she is taking her own hurt out on me and covering up by making it all look like a joke. Deep down I do sense she is jealous of me, in some ways.

Im just really hurt that my best friend and her usually timid fiance would gang up against me like this, knowing it would hurt me. What are they trying to do? Trying to toughen me up for my own sake? Or just using me as a punch bag for theirs? They are all mouth one minute then all sweet and friendly the next. However I cant stand to be around them right now, I feel like I cant trust them with seeing the real me. I wish I had the mentality to say bugger off and not care but this really affects my confidence. Help??

[Yellow]

I have had friends who do that. That is their way of having fun, which isn't how I like to have fun. With a lot of people who prefer that style of humour, I had to cut them out because I figured they aren't worth the energy it drained me of.

I would suggest you tell her assertively that you do not appreciate those jokes. Tell her that even if you have victim mentality, as a friend, you'd expect some respect to your emotions. If she continues to do the same thing, you have a decision to make.

One of my ex-best friends did the same thing. She would tell me that I am a "wuss" for not being able to take those jokes. I had little assertiveness back then. I had to become more assertive and start yelling at her to shutup, for her to get it. That was the only thing that worked. Regardless to say, we don't even talk anymore and I am glad for that.

[aussieNickuss]

Most of my friends and myself have a very sarcastic sense of humor. We hang crap on each other ALL the time....very much like the "f-ing ungrateful" situation you mentioned. It's all in jest though and is always in a sarcastic tone. However, on occasion I come across people who don't sense that sarcasm and actually take offense. Maybe you are the same? Maybe you don't have that sense of sarcasm and take their jabs literally?

[brendannz]

It sounds to me like the insults may not be that offensive.. like "Too much chocolate will make your arse fat" doesn't really sound like an insult, unless you really are fat and they're deliberately pointing it out.. (which I don't know)

It could be that this is just well meaning banter..

Sometimes crowd's can be really toxic and just need a scapegoat, and sometimes you've just got to just not take any crap from anyone, and stand your ground. Or it could just be that you've picked a wrong crowd, and need to find new people?

They're probably being stupid so you can sarcastically take their comments seriously to point out their stupidity, if that makes sense?

So yeah, I can't really tell the intention of what they're saying from here, but I'd say toughen up, and stand up for yourself. Either start giving crap back to them, or say you're too good for that crowd..

Up to you

[Holistic Star]

I enjoy a good bit of banter with friends and yes we do all tease each other and sometimes push to the limits of what is acceptable. Some of the things my H and I say in jest to each other could be very hurtful in another context.

However I wouldn't tease someone who didn't enjoy it and find it funny. I certainly wouldn't say they have a victim mentality if they were hurt by it.

You say you usually get along with them so I'm assuming you want to keep their friendship. I think probably a straight talk with them saying that you love having a laugh with them, but don't like it when you are the punch-line of their jokes. Ask them if they would be willing to brainstorm with you how you can all come to a creative solution so that everyone has a good time when you are together.

If they play ball and are willing to respect your feelings then fantastic. If they blame you for being too sensitive and aren't willing to find a solution that is right for you all, then you have your answer, even if you don't like it.

[RT Wolf]

Yes, you should definitely "toughen" up. Though that's not the word I would use, if you have trouble asserting yourself and getting what you want from those around you, then change. That's the whole point of this website. This won't be the last time it'll happen to you in your life and it'll probably be a good thing to develop a stronger personality, otherwise you will have trouble resisting other, darker forces.

If you want a good reading of that, check out Pavlina's book. The sections on Power and Authority.

[SimonaRich]

You attracted this situation in your own experience. The more you think that you are a victim, the more situations will prove this.

You should not keep repeating that you are a very sensitive person, because you will keep being this way.

Just focus on something good rather than the unfairness that you are experiencing. Only then you will be able to shift your point of attraction and attract better circumstances in your life.

Nothing happens by chance.

[skye11]

Wow, thank you for all your helpful advice. I sensed some of this and you have confirmed it for me. Some of you have also said things I never even thought about.

At the end of our last encounter, I "jokingly" told my friends to p*** off, which I would never normally do but this made them laugh. So I guess you can say a lot of things in jest but I obviously draw the line way before most people. Anyway, they seemed to understand I was actually hurt. And when I saw them briefly again today they seemed to be trying to make nice to me again. I know they are not bad eggs. I guess they just stirred something up in me I have not had to deal with in a long time - I rarely have to face this kind of confrontation in my life nowadays. It throws me back to school days.

I will try to stop thinking that "I am a sensitive person" - although I do think this trait has many positive sides too! I guess I have to develop a thicker skin and not let the negative stuff in. Anyway Im in a better place now and thanks for all the advice.

[brendannz]

Good to hear! i have the same problems myself.. but Dalai Laima said something like, most human problems come down to an overactive imagination, which may be the case..

Are you from the Isle of Skye? I went there October last year, pretty cool.