So, I don't think I'm going poly after all

[pyrogen]

When I was in my relationship, and planning to break up, I was toying with the idea of being poly. I had generalized my issues with the relationship to "the world" in general, simply because he was the second person I lived with who had these same kind of hang-ups. I was sure that all monogamous relationships were like this.

He and I were so totally incompatible that there was no way I could get even a quarter of my needs met without outsourcing them to someone else outside of the relationship.

I also had become very socially isolated and cut-off and he had a concept of how to behave in a relationship that I'm completely unable to live with - basically, you are not supposed to have any confidantes or spend significant time with anyone else. Going to an organized group is ok. A one hour lunch is ok.

Your other relationships are supposed to be very shallow. And nobody else is ever to touch you in any way. I'm a person who previously lived cradled in a very strong network of very close same-sex friends who were physically (non sexually) affectionate. We would brush/braid each other's hair, give shoulder rubs, be huggy, walk arm-in-arm, etc. This does not seem so weird for same-sex friends if you look at how women act in other countries, such as Southern Europe. In other cultures it's common for heterosexual women to hold hands. This is what my friends were like.

The issue of not being able to have any other person but him in my circle of confidantes/intimates is ultimately why I broke up with him. But while IN the relationship, I generalized my issue and thought I needed to be poly.

Now that I've left that relationship behind I definitely feel monogamous.

GO figure?! Why does it look different now as a single person?

I wanted to be poly in my last relationship, too, after a point... generally speaking by the time I've wanted to "open" my former relationships the relationship was usually on its way down the tubes.

[magi13]

Do you regret it?

[bunnyman]

It sounds like what you really want is a monogamous partner who gives you the freedom to do all these things with your friends. You can have your friends, hug on them, be with them for hours, and at the end of the day, Mr Wonderful is there for you. Does that sound good to you?

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by bunnyman

It sounds like what you really want is a monogamous partner who gives you the freedom to do all these things with your friends. You can have your friends, hug on them, be with them for hours, and at the end of the day, Mr Wonderful is there for you. Does that sound good to you?

Well, if I have a relationship that's actually working right, and has enough compatibility, I won't NEED to outsource *that* much to my friends - as in hours a day. Coffees/lunches, the occasional girls' night out, and shared activities here and there (such as gym or art studio buddies) would be fine. I'd really like to be in a relationship where we do mutual socializing - getting together with mutual friends, such as other couples, going to parties/get togethers together, hosting get togethers and dinners.

[Frankthetank]

GO figure?! Why does it look different now as a single person?

Yeah, it's not the question if polyamory or not. Especially women seem to be pretty contend with their one man as long as their partner is maintaining polarity and fulfilling most of their needs.
So, it was just your needs which were not taken care of.

Polyamory is something higher conscious people are drawn to, and i'm not referring to the sex maniacs who only want to maintain relationships with various sex partners called polygamy. When you think about it, exclusive relationships are AGAINST love, they are used to CONTROL people. When you really love someone you let them go if they find somone they are more happy with. And so polyamorous relationships are a way to fulfill your needs better, because each person is different and compliments you in different ways.

[Angela]

Yikes! Don't you just hate the "supposed-to's"?

Best wishes in your new singledom. I hope you create the life of your dreams!

[Ralph]

It's quite easy. While you were in the relationship, your needs weren't fulfilled. You kind of shut yourself from the possibility of leaving the relationship. Therefore your brain, while looking for a way to get your needs met without leaving the relationship, thought about going poly.


Once you left, you realized that you don't need to be poly. A healthy monogamous partner is enough. You were shut off from that possibility as long as you were in that relationship. Once you left, this has become an option.

Congratulations and have fun with your new-found sexual freedom

Ralph

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Frankthetank

Polyamory is something higher conscious people are drawn to, and i'm not referring to the sex maniacs who only want to maintain relationships with various sex partners called polygamy.

I don't think it's necessarily "lower consciousness" to want to be monogamous, though.

It's not as much about not wanting 2 or 3 or 4 partners as much as... I have so damned much TO DO!! I would be too focused on relationships as a poly person. I don't have the time to spread myself thin maintaining a bunch of relationships.

So is poly the new "higher consciousness" relationship dogma??

[aelle]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

It's not as much about not wanting 2 or 3 or 4 partners as much as... I have so damned much TO DO!! I would be too focused on relationships as a poly person. I don't have the time to spread myself thin maintaining a bunch of relationships.

Hehe, I totally understand the feeling.... One of my favourite authors wrote, however, that the time you use to love is like the time you use to read a novel or create art: it's never time you have, it's time you steal. If you do fall in love with more than one person, I'm sure you'll find a way to steal enough time from social obligations, sleep, being on time at work or attending sunday lunch at your mother's to love all of them.

Originally Posted by pyrogen

So is poly the new "higher consciousness" relationship dogma??

I can't speak for Frank, but I certainly don't think that choosing monogamy is lower consciousness. What I believe is that the higher thing to do is question with your partner(s) the assumptions of your relationship and be open to change them to benefit all of you. It doesn't necessarily mean going poly, but it means considering it, which you definitely have done.

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

I don't think it's necessarily "lower consciousness" to want to be monogamous, though.

I think all this is saying is that people who are unaware practice monogamy only because they were told they should, by their religion or cultural standards. Before I heard the word polyamory, I was raised to believe that a man and a woman fall in love and get married and have babies. Now I know it's not that simple.

Becoming aware of this raised my consciousness in some sense.

Choosing to practice monogamy is higher consciousness than practicing it because you think you have no other choice.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by aelle

Hehe, I totally understand the feeling.... One of my favourite authors wrote, however, that the time you use to love is like the time you use to read a novel or create art: it's never time you have, it's time you steal.

Yeah, but thing is - to me, having all these lovers *DOES* mean I will not be creating art, *writing* a novel, or doing the stuff that I am passionate about that I feel adds value. I really look forward to the stage when relationships settle out into a comfy zone and I can get into the things I'm really really passionate about, but also DO the things I'm passionate about *with* the person. My mom and stepdad, and my dad and stepmom, are both couples who do a lot of projects together and have a lot of personal projects of their own, I want to be very much like THAT.

I've had two rocky/crisis-filled LTRs now that didn't survive the transition out of NRE, and the comfy zone sounds REALLY NICE.

[Frankthetank]

I don't think it's necessarily "lower consciousness" to want to be monogamous, though.

It's not as much about not wanting 2 or 3 or 4 partners as much as... I have so damned much TO DO!! I would be too focused on relationships as a poly person. I don't have the time to spread myself thin maintaining a bunch of relationships.

So is poly the new "higher consciousness" relationship dogma??

yeah, right it's not lower consciousness if you want to be monogamous. And you shouldn't choose something because the action is supposed to be "higher consciousness" because opinions, judgments, "preferances" etc calibrate below 500 anyway.
You see, when you sit next to a lotus tree all day doing nothing you are still not a buddha nor would it make any sense to someone with a lower consciousness, because he would become bored.
It's always about your STATE OF BEING which vibes on different energy patterns which in turn is the MOTIVATION and CONTEXT for your action thinking etc. or vice versa.


So, to pull off a successful polyamorous relationship is a very difficult thing when you are vibing at an average peoples consciousness level. There are all these positionalities, false-pride, jealousy and lust. It's gonna ruin it.
But when you're more evolved like Steve for example this becomes possible and is an attractive option, because you can learn more from different people, and the more people who are in co-creation the more everyone benefits.

When you want to know how the future is gonna look like... it's already starting. Polyamory is coming now, we will start growing more together as humanity and become a big family, where we all help each other.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Frankthetank

But when you're more evolved like Steve for example this becomes possible and is an attractive option, because you can learn more from different people, and the more people who are in co-creation the more everyone benefits.

When poly people talk about the intimate connections they want outside of their primary marriage, then say it's NOT about sex and not even necessarily about romance, but about co-creation... that's what stumps me.

See, I had *friendships* that gave all of that. I had issues with a few very jealous and monolithically minded primary partners, but I don't see this as monogamy's fault. These people were already at a fairly low level and probably would've taken the same crap with them into ANY relationship, poly or mono.

I think a lot of our society has disintegrated to the point that people can no longer distinguish between friendship and romance. It's also become difficult for people to have meaningful same-sex friendships.

I have a lot of energy - but I'd rather give it to the projects I want to do, than to a bunch of relationships.

Then again, it may look different when your time is almost totally decoupled from your income, and you're already in a long term relationship that now practically runs itself. And you are already giving a lot of value to the world without having to "work" at it.　You have a lot of time to play with.

There is one specific poly dynamic that appeals to me - the cyclical bi poly dynamic that's in the book "The Neanderthal Parallax" where the couple lives with their same sex partner for part of the month and their opposite sex partner for another part of the month. This was absolutely fascinating to me.

I feel weird and threatened by the idea of being with a man though who is seeing other *women*. And men don't tend to be bisexual as often as women do. So, go figure.

[polyfulcrum]

Poly isn't any higher consciousness than monogamy that is a decision. There are many different ways to nourish yourself, to create and grow, with and without others.

Many cultures have a place for those who stay apart, contemplate spirituality, and create outside of the normal flow of daily life. It's easier to find time to write a novel when you don't have anything else terribly pressing to do!

For me, I find that additional intimate connections help me stay more open and engaged than platonic ones. I'm working on creating that with friendships as well, but I find my motivation to be close to people is higher with those I share physical and emotional intimacy with.

That said, my original partner and I have been strongly bonded to each other for the past 15 years. Poly isn't an escape, or filling an emptiness, but rather an added enhancement for each of us. Our additional partners benefit from being close to a happy, stable and treasured connection.

Poly, when you are seeking to fill a shopping list of qualities, isn't terribly functional, in my experience. Be happy with who you are first, then be happy with who you are partnered to, THEN add anyone that seems to enhance and appreciate what you bring to the table.

[always loved]

PEOPLE,PEOPLE: there is no right or wrong to this issue. you choose whatever feels right to you.
And Frank: it does not make anyone lower,average,jealous,falsely prideful or lustful to choose mono over poly any more than it makes you less religous to preach about how much higher you are in your choice. You don't sound any different with your words than the priest stating mono is the only way to go.
IT'S ALL ABOUT LEARNING AND INDIVIDUAL CHOICE.EACH LEARNS AS THEY HAVE CHOSEN.NEITHER IS HIGHER.NEITHER IS WRONG.