Help me please! Stuck in a relationship

[Guy665]

Hi there,
I really need some help and advise, so please bear with me.
I got into a relationship with a girl at the beginning of last year. She is 37 and I am 28. We fell in love very quickly and had a amazing time at the beginning. However she has 3 children from a previous marriage and I have none.

As the relationship progressed it became clear that she was incredibly insecure and she became very jealous, so much so that wouldn’t let me see my friends would never let me talk to girls etc. I also found it very difficult dealing with her 3 kids.

Anyway eventually I had enough of the jealousy and insecurity and finished with her at Christmas.

The problem is that we have started going back out with each other and I am really not sure I want to be with her. However I do love her so much so I deeply confused.

I am so scared of finishing it with her again because she was so upset and I scarred of hurting her and upsetting her again. However this can’t be a reason to stay with her can it?

My friends and family say I should end it again, I just feel totally stuck. Its almost like i don’t have the courage to finish with her because i know how upset she’ll be. Also I really love her.

However despite the love, I can’t see a future and really deep down know it’s not right being with her.

What should I do?

Do I finish with her and break her heart again. I am so scarred do this because her ex-husband did it before, I did it at Christmas and now i’d be doing it again.

Do I carry on with her and myself not be totally happy but at least i’ll spare her feelings.

Hope this makes sense.

It’s really upsetting me. Any comments would be appreciated.

[magi13]

What do you think? I mean in the end it's all about your happiness. This'll be my advice. The heck with the world, what matters is that your happy. If being with her makes you happy, that's all that matters.

If you are not happy, then there is something wrong.

Reflect on what you want, and then decide on the decision that you will not regret.

[RT Wolf]

Strictly speaking, the issue isn't that she'll be upset, it's how you'll feel about her being upset. Doesn't seem like it's about her, it's about you. Maybe you're wondering whether you're really a good person if you keep hurting her like this. Maybe you'd just like some reassurance: I absolve you of the pain you will cause. It sucks but it's a part of life, her life and your life. You can't coddle people forever, especially not at the expense of your own life. You have a responsibility to yourself and you have a responsibility to her to end it rather than prolong it because you don't have the courage to see her upset at you. That's her problem and you can be there to help her get over it (if she is motivated enough to), but that's where your responsibility ends. You don't have to feel guilty about this. You're still a good person. Good people can cause pain, however they do it in the name of a better higher cause rather than pain for th sake of pain.

Finally, you can do it. You can do it and you can handle her pain afterward and you can handle your own guilt afterward and you'll be ok and in the long run she'll be OK. Good luck!

[tintin]

hey i don know..maybe its unfinished business?
if it doesn 'seem right' but the attraction /love persists maybe youre trying to stuff the relationship into something its not.(?)
if you cant help loving her..well so be it! love her.why try to mould it into something its not?
there are dependency issues here.obviously the'love' bit is not free of conditions.its coming with handcuffs.
so maybe just drop the handcuffs.how can i judge that?..well you feelin guilty of being yet another 'jilter' in her life.,which is an indication of something other than love.
love away.but lose the chains.

[SimonaRich]

Don't ask opinions of others, just do what feels right to you. Other's cannot know your needs and if you listen others and not your heart, you will surely make mistakes.

[Parthon]

I'm not going to give you any advice, but here are some questions:

You love her, but you aren't happy, do you think you can do your best by her if you stay with her?

If you can't do your best, then doesn't she deserve better?

Love doesn't mean staying with someone, do you think you could love her and still move on?

What would the very best action to take be? Not good, or great, but "The very best action."?

I think you definately know the answer, but it's warring with what you feel you *should* do. Follow your guts, they are correct.

[ken nubo]

Ask this honest question to yourself: are you scared of leaving her because you can't find another chick? If so, leave her -- cause you can always find someone else.
__________________
How to gain more confidence with women

[Indiana]

If you care about her a lot but genuinely feel you have exhausted every option for repairing the relationship, it is best that you break it off.

Look at it from the opposite side - ask yourself: would I want someone to stay with me, if they were staying only because they could not handle my desperation at their departure?

You are not responsible for her response to your choice. Although she is jealous and insecure, she is not a girl - she's a grown woman with three children, who needs to take responsibility for her own life and actions. The best you can do is to explain to her as gently and clearly as possible why you feel you cannot continue in the relationship, although you do care about her. The sooner you do this, the sooner it will be over and you can both move on. The worst thing would be to linger in a state of fear/indecision and drag it out for months longer.

[Guy665]

Thanks for all the comments.

I did the brave thing and called it off last night. Wasn't pleasant and am expecting a lot more abuse,tears etc.

Despite my intense love for her deep down I know its not right or that's how I feel.

Thanks