horrible first impressions?

[merveilles]

whenever i'm talking to someone (usually online) everything seems fine. but then its like once they meet me in person they don't like me anymore (i'm not talking about online dating btw, i mean just meeting new friends). what could i do so wrong around people that would make them not like me? am i just too self conscious?

[Brutha]

whenever i'm talking to someone (usually online) everything seems fine. but then its like once they meet me in person they don't like me anymore (i'm not talking about online dating btw, i mean just meeting new friends). what could i do so wrong around people that would make them not like me? am i just too self conscious?

Actually you also give a bad first impression online at the moment.
You violate the cultural norm in this forum to capitalise those words that have to be capitalised.

If you do the same thing in real life and violate norms and don't behave according to what the people around you consider to be good manners, that might be one way you make people dislike yourself.

[ilrein]

Or, you could break social norms and be liked especially for it. This is the kind of question that cannot be answered via text.

My immediate guess is body language and tonality.

[Brutha]

Or, you could break social norms and be liked especially for it.

Few people like it when you break their norms. It's not whether you break some general norm of society but about the norms in which the people you talk to believe.

If you break the norms of the people around it should be a conscious decisions for which you have good reasons otherwise you will be seen as inconsiderate because you either seem to be to ignorant to recognize the norms or to selfish to follow them.

[merveilles]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Actually you also give a bad first impression online at the moment.
You violate the cultural norm in this forum to capitalise those words that have to be capitalised.

oops I didn't notice. I usually always type without capitalizing and without apostrophes.

Originally Posted by ilrein

My immediate guess is body language and tonality.

Maybe, that's why I said maybe I'm just too self conscious and come off as rude or something? I really don't know. People who actually know me like me but a lot of people I meet don't seem to. One person I got to know a little better last year said when he first met me he thought I was just boring (I guess because I'm so shy).

Originally Posted by Brutha

Few people like it when you break their norms. It's not whether you break some general norm of society but about the norms in which the people you talk to believe.

If you break the norms of the people around it should be a conscious decisions for which you have good reasons otherwise you will be seen as inconsiderate because you either seem to be to ignorant to recognize the norms or to selfish to follow them.

I don't think I really know what the norms are.. I grew up in a weird situation...

[Brutha]

I don't think I really know what the norms are..

Observe the people around you.

[RT Wolf]

^ Good advice. Also observe how they react to you. They'll tell in subtle facial expressions how they're handling what you do.

I recently got a Blinding Flash of the Obvious with this again. I was talking to friend who's Irish and he'd react to the jokes I made differently than I was expecting him to react, so I'd explain the jokes cause I assumed he didn't get them. Eventually, he pointed out that he got all my jokes and I didn't need to explain them and I realized that he was just responding as he would in his social circle/Ireland and not like I expect my Canuck friends to respond. It's really subtle and really odd.

[ken nubo]

Are you being defensive? Are your social skills subpar? Or you're just boring? Have a critial self-analysis on this and improve yourself. As simple as that.
__________________
How to gain more confidence with women

[Eric Roosevelt]

Do you only have problems with first impressions, or do you have problems with relationships in general? You mention that you're fine talking on line to people. This suggests that it's probably, as ilrein metioned, a voice or body language issue. Confidence is the key in both those areas, but only confidence to a degree where you can "back it up". Just be yourself, in other words. Act natural and get in the flow.

Also consider the fact that maybe people aren't judging you as harshly as you think. How much of what you're saying is an accurate picture of what people think about you, and how much is just you over-analyzing the situation?

[merveilles]

Originally Posted by Eric Roosevelt

Do you only have problems with first impressions, or do you have problems with relationships in general? You mention that you're fine talking on line to people. This suggests that it's probably, as ilrein metioned, a voice or body language issue. Confidence is the key in both those areas, but only confidence to a degree where you can "back it up". Just be yourself, in other words. Act natural and get in the flow.

Also consider the fact that maybe people aren't judging you as harshly as you think. How much of what you're saying is an accurate picture of what people think about you, and how much is just you over-analyzing the situation?

No when people get to know me we usually get along great. I think the problem is, around people I don't know very well, I'm like scared to death. A lot of times I just avoid talking because I don't even want to hear myself. I guess, my confidence, 0. Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe I do over-analyze sometimes too. Is it really possible that negative people usually don't like most people? Maybe I'm just letting a few bad experiences with super negative people ruin how I view all first impressions. But I don't know which one of these is the problem for sure! *sigh*


*edit*
Maybe I'll list what I think my main problems are from that paragraph in case I lose someone lol
- I'm scared to death when I have to talk to someone
- I don't like hearing myself talk
- Low confidence in social situations
- Possibly over analyze
- Bad past experiences

[JSB]

Originally Posted by merveilles

...I think the problem is, around people I don't know very well, I'm like scared to death. A lot of times I just avoid talking because I don't even want to hear myself. I guess, my confidence, 0.
...

It's likely that your own discomfort is making others feel uncomfortable around you. Work on your own anxiety first, and everything else should follow.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by merveilles

Maybe I'm just letting a few bad experiences with super negative people ruin how I view all first impressions.

I'd be willing to wager that your belief that you give bad first impressions is itself a cause of your bad first impressions. If you start with a negative self-image from the very start, you'll find it difficult to break free from your own expectations. At least ponder on the possibility that you may not be giving off such a bad impression as you think you are.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by merveilles

- I'm scared to death when I have to talk to someone
- I don't like hearing myself talk
- Low confidence in social situations
- Possibly over analyze
- Bad past experiences

This might be a big part of your problem: a laser-sharp focus on yourself.

You might get a more positive response if you focus on the person you're speaking to -- it generally makes a better first impression than being totally self-absorbed, don't you think?

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by Angela

You might get a more positive response if you focus on the person you're speaking to

I agree with this and I want to add to it. Many times when a person feels like they are bad at interacting with people, that person will focus on the other person, but in the wrong way:

Is this person approving of me? Is this person bored by me?

That is the wrong approach. It feels like you are focusing on the other person, but really it is another way to focus on yourself!

Instead, act as if you have a mission to find out as much as you can about this new person. Pretend you're going to have to take a test later and it's really important. What's their name? Where do they live? What do they like? Are they having a good day?

This little game does two things for you. First, it helps you find out about this person. Which in turn gives you ideas on things to talk about. Second, it distracts you from thinking about yourself. This will allow you to not feel nervous.

That's one way to focus on the other person. Make a game out of it.