letting go

[lisamelinda]

Do you have to want to let go of a relationship to be able to let go? I can't believe i am finally posting about this, but i have had this on and off thing with my ex now for months - very convenient for him, probably not so healthy for me. He said that if he would want to be in a relationship, it would be with me. I just take that in and filter out the rest, like the fact that he never replies if i say i love him, and the fact that he is definitely out and about and wouldn't hesitate to be with someone else. Never comes to visit me, etc. It's like there are two parts of me, one part that wants to cut it off, another part refuses to let go, as if letting go would mean it's all lost and a failure and wasn't important. But do i have to want to let go to let go - or just force myself to let go? I'm a very loyal, caring person, and i fight for what i want. This can be to my detriment.

[persephonevii]

Deep, deep down what do you want to do FOR <i>you</i>?

Look at your life so far with him, how satisfied are you with it? How satisfied are you with life in general? Look hard and long, it might be painful and frightening but in there sits the truths you need to know to sort out your situation with your ex.

It is your life, and it is all about YOU.

I won't tell you what to do or how to do, or even what I would do. I believe it is important that you find the answers yourself and act on them as you will it.

[Cristal Lilly]

I speak only from my experience, but I don't think you have to want it. I think it's much easier if you want to let go, but wanting is not a requirement.

for the case you speak of....the absolute must in this, I believe, is deciding that no matter what, you ARE letting go. to make a decision and then focus all that determination, fighter spirit and loyalty you have on the decision, and not on the relationship.

and then inhale deeply and remind yourself during any pang of pain, panic or other things that happen when one is getting over a toxic relationship, that this feeling is only temporary. it is only detox. it has to happen before you let go, so it's good that it's happening. talk to yourself like you would to your best friend. the pain isn't weakness or love. it's detoxing the addiction, it's detoxing the fear. as much as you can, focus your loving care on yourself, be loyal to what's good for you in the long run (this would be different from what feels comfortable or pleasant in the short run).

as the feeling eases with time, and it will, I would advise that you turn your focus on positive things, not on that relationship or that man in either positive or negative aspect.

if you want to get out of this place. you seem like you do, but that you're just scared you can't make it.
so I would like to point out that no matter who you are and what you did in your life, you can do this. you can be free. you can get over him.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by lisamelinda

It's like there are two parts of me, one part that wants to cut it off, another part refuses to let go, as if letting go would mean it's all lost and a failure and wasn't important. But do i have to want to let go to let go - or just force myself to let go?

Lisamelinda, for the last couple of days I've been learning and practicing an NLP technique called "Parts Integration" in which you communicate directly with your unconscious parts and integrate them back into the Whole. I am finding this process to be amazingly profound and helpful, and maybe you would, too. I've been watching people in my training have incredibly inspiring and touching shifts, I myself had an internal conflict just - POOF! -- disappear using this technique. It felt WONDERFUL.

I'm planning to ask one of my associates to guide me through a Parts Integration that sounds somewhat similar to yours today, and I'll let you know what happens, if you like. You may want to consult an NLP practitioner, take NLP training, or learn just this process on your own. (I really enjoy having another person guide me through it, in the same way that although I can do a guided meditation on my own or scratch my own back, it feels really good to have another human involved ).

Meanwhile, if you're interested, you can see a video of the process at Part 1 and Part 2 (about 12 minutes total). The subject is looking at different parts than you are, but it would be the same process if one of your parts is "Wants to cut it off" and the other is "Wants to let it go."

[lisamelinda]

my laptop battery is about to die, so this will be brief. thank you so much for your lovely replies, i can't tell you how much it means to me. I'll read them again and really think about what you have said. The NLP technique sounds great, i will certainly look into it, and would love to hear more. oh no flashing red. thank you! x

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Angela

Meanwhile, if you're interested, you can see a video of the process at Part 1 and Part 2 (about 12 minutes total). The subject is looking at different parts than you are, but it would be the same process if one of your parts is "Wants to cut it off" and the other is "Wants to let it go."

Interesting. Although I think I'd rather sit alone and think about those things than have someone asking me a series of questions. The kind of questions that guy was being asked usually take some time to sink in. I guess it's just a matter of preference.

lisamelinda: being ready to fight for what you want isn't much use if you don't even know what you want. However, it seems to me like you want to at least give this guy a chance. Have you tried talking to him? Does he have any idea what you're thinking?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Eric Roosevelt

Interesting. Although I think I'd rather sit alone and think about those things than have someone asking me a series of questions. The kind of questions that guy was being asked usually take some time to sink in. I guess it's just a matter of preference.

If you have time to sit around and think about it, to figure consciously, you won't get the same results. This technique is all about communicating with the unconscious mind, not your conscious, reasoning one. You're right -- they USUALLY take some time to think in, but this is not a usual process.

[funchy]

The problem may not be the difficulty getting over caring for someone else.

The problem is that you're not letting yourself be outraged by his behavior. You deserve better !!!! What is his problem? He's treating you like crap. He won't commit. He doesn't care about you. YOUR life is too short to be waiting around for a flake like this. Why aren't you mad? Why are you settling for less? It's ok to be alone. You're better off alone than with someone who is just using you. It's not good for you to be with someone like him when you want honesty and he wants to run around like a dog. You need to be true to yourself. This isn't about turning off the love you have for him; it's about finding the love you have for yourself.

Hang on to that outrage you have for his behavior and use to to give you the strength to say "no" if he tries to call you. Whenever you find yourself thinking about him, tell yourself that you deserve better.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by lisamelinda

Do you have to want to let go of a relationship to be able to let go?

Hi lisamelinda... I want to talk about something a bit tangential, so I hope I'm not hijacking your thread, but I have basically the same question as you do, but about a friendship rather than a romantic relationship.

What I have been pondering lately is the idea that some people (all?) are drawn into our lives because we are running patterns that attract that type of person. So if we work on ourselves and change our patterns, these people who are patterns no longer match should be no longer attracted into our lives and effortlessly fall away.

And also something Angela said on another thread (although she's not the first to say this), where when you are annoyed by another person's behavior, you have to turn the mirror back on yourself and really see where YOU are exhibiting that behavior... and be willing to change.

So I guess my question is can we just keep doing self-work and the negative people will naturally fall away from us, or do we have to actively shut them out? Because shutting people out doesn't seem very loving, forgiving, etc. And maybe, by being there to "push our buttons" and make us feel anger, sadness, etc., they are exactly where they need to be to teach us something about ourselves.

[lisamelinda]

thanks again for the replies.
funchy, i am not an angry outraged person. i don't know why i battle to get angry! weird social conditioning i guess. I wonder if i'll ever blow completely?
but yes, i should probably be outraged. i'll keep working on loving myself.
Really going to think about this one very carefully. Lauxa, i have no idea. I assume you work on yourself, and then your energy changes so you don't respond to that person in the same way. i imagine they fall out of your life, or your relationship with them improves. I always hope it's the latter. but sometimes patterns of relating are really destructive, and you can't see each other in a new light?

[Foggy]

First, Lis, I'm sorry for falling out of touch with you. I'm a terrible correspondent; it's something I need to work on.

Second, I'm sorry to see that you are still struggling with this. There is no substitute for willpower, I've discovered. If you can't get all the pieces to line up so that you genuinely want out of the relationship, but you still know that it would be the healthiest choice for your future, you just have to push yourself to go through with it. It's too bad that this has become so drawn out for you. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in finding a more comfortable place for yourself.