Just play it cool

[StarFish]

So, long story short, Myspace is evil. For anyone who doesn't know, you can have TOP friends on myspace and this seems to be an endless source of drama.

Anyway, one of my close guy friends was my f*** buddy for awhile, but I stopped because I want to move on and not be attached like that with out the relationship. He said he was cool, and happy for me, and wanted to see me in a happy relationship and not upset over him all the time.

But now it seems he's moving me down his Top Friends, and it's very upsetting to me. My friends say its because we aren't f*** buddies anymore, and he maybe jealous I'm seeing someone else (which I'm not.)

I want to ask him if I did something, but my friends say I should just play it cool and not say anything at all.

[Colm OReilly]

Let me get this straight, you're upset because you stopped a sexual relationship with someone because you wanted to move on and now you're upset because you don't rank on his myspace profile anymore?

Wow that puts things in perspective

[TheColonel]

That might be the most ridiculous post I've ever seen.

I suddenly feel like a chaperone at the Junior High social.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by TheColonel

That might be the most ridiculous post I've ever seen.

I suddenly feel like a chaperone at the Junior High social.

Colonel, my reaction is the same as yours, but as I have recently rediscovered
the internet mixes people of different ages and maturity levels together ( without age and maturity levels necessarily being linked ).

This may be a trivial issue to us, but if it is upsetting to someone else, that person is upset nonetheless.

I would advise the original poster to not take internet stuff too seriously.....easier said then done, but at the end of the day real friendships are in reality away from the computer and real deeds are likewise done in real life.

Tragedies happen in real life, not on screen.

My rule for myself is that I ask myself if I turned off my computer would this problem be anywhere in my life ( aside from my head ) ? If the answer is "no" I tell myself that I am blowing the issue out of proportion.

I would advise the original poster to bring it up with the friend, since this person is a real life friend ( not a "pen pal") and they are upset.

[Dating Specialist]

Well I guess you're upset Starfish because you weren't given a choice. You were taken out of the top friends without having a say, and this makes you frustrated, maybe even hurting your pride.

That's life. We have to learn to deal with such things because they will happen again, though in different forms and fashion. But they will, and learning how to handle one's own emotions and state of mind will be very helpful.

Guess I've sidetracked. Oops

[Polonius Funk]

You were FWB, but you didn't want the B anymore, so he moved down the F. Every action has an equal and positive reaction, etc. I wouldn't stress - that sounds fair to me, honestly.

What I can't figure out from your message is if you're worried that you hurt him or if you're worried that he doesn't like you now?

[TheColonel]

Originally Posted by Cron

Colonel, my reaction is the same as yours, but as I have recently rediscovered
the internet mixes people of different ages and maturity levels together ( without age and maturity levels necessarily being linked ).

This may be a trivial issue to us, but if it is upsetting to someone else, that person is upset nonetheless.

The lesson for this person is: If you can't handle the ups and downs of recruiting your F***buddies from MySpace, then DON'T RECRUIT YOUR F***BUDDIES FROM MYSPACE.

[StarFish]

wow I think there's been a big misunderstanding This isn't something I want to be upset over. I know it sounds stupid, which just makes it even worse.

What I can't figure out from your message is if you're worried that you hurt him or if you're worried that he doesn't like you now?

I'm worried he doesn't like me as much now. I'm sure he still likes me, we still hang out and all.

DON'T RECRUIT YOUR F***BUDDIES FROM MYSPACE

I didn't, and I don't. We were friend in real life first.

[gberardi]

Er, no one claimed that this buddy was found on MySpace.

And it seems that people are trivializing the issue.

They were close friends. Now because sex has been taken out of the picture, the other friend has visibly downgraded the importance of their friendship, something that StarFish was obviously not expecting.

Prior to the advent of the Internet and MySpace, the other friend would probably try to act like nothing was wrong, but StarFish would sense something was wrong anyway. Since MySpace made such passive aggressiveness a visible and active thing, StarFish actually SEES that something is wrong.

StarFish, since you are friends outside of MySpace, you should talk as friends. Tell him that his friendship is important to you, and talk it out. Tell him how it felt to be downgraded on MySpace. That is, unless you don't feel close enough to talk about such heavy things as the friendship itself. It sounds like you can, but I could have misinterpreted it.

[Colm OReilly]

Starfish,

I understand that you feel he's devalued you as a friend since you no longer offer sexual value to the relationship and you believed your relationship was more than just the occasional f*ck, yes?

Bebo is more popular in Ireland than MySpace, but it seems essentially the same. Most people who use it don't consciously chose their top friends, so bebo just randomises them. Could this be the case with MySpace as well?

You've also changed the rules of the relationship for you and your friend. He was used to your arrangement and you've changed things. He mightn't know how to handle it.

There was a thread a while back on letting go of friends and it was pointed out that if you change not everyone will stay on your path. Some will wander, some will join.

Love him, let him make his own decisions and walk his path, as he's letting you walk yours,
Colm

[StarFish]

Thanks everyone who's giving me advice so far.

Colm, I think you've given me the best advice so far. Thank you. As for your questions about myspace, you can change your friends around. If you never have it will put your friends in order of who's been on myspace longer. I think it was a bad move, it seems to be causing a lot of stupid drama (like this) so much so I just took my top friends of my page so no one could view it.

[Cron]

I was hoping to delete my post before StarFish saw it.

I stand by what I wrote. I think as humans we have tendency to keep cutting ourselves slack and sometimes others, past the point where it becomes an indulgence. I think it is necessary to draw a line somewhere and say....."this is it, it is wrong, it conflicts with what I want, but I have to do the right thing".

Anyway, even though I stand by it, I think it sounds a bit harsh and having ended my day on a very sour note I wish I hadn't given another human being a hard time.

[StarFish]

Originally Posted by Cron

I was hoping to delete my post before StarFish saw it.

I stand by what I wrote. I think as humans we have tendency to keep cutting ourselves slack and sometimes others, past the point where it becomes an indulgence. I think it is necessary to draw a line somewhere and say....."this is it, it is wrong, it conflicts with what I want, but I have to do the right thing".

Anyway, even though I stand by it, I think it sounds a bit harsh and having ended my day on a very sour note I wish I hadn't given another human being a hard time.

I didn't really think what you said was really that bad

[Cron]

I guess I will just have to try harder next time!

[Scott]

Whoops, looks like I probably should have done some moderating in here, but it seems I'm too late.

StarFish, I see no need to repeat the good advice about talking to your friend face-to-face (and being ultra-careful about your relationships, sexual or not), but please don't be turned off of these forums by peoples' reactions to what they consider a less... mature topic. A quick glance around will tell you that folks aren't used to seeing Myspace drama here. To be honest, it should stay that way, but that doesn't make it okay to flame.

As for everyone else, please refrain from any more insults, and keep the "volume" to an acceptable level.

[Hsiang-Lin]

Starfish,

Whatever happens, just realize that you are a wonderful being. These kind of situations may seem like rejection and humiliation, but I found a new way of thinking that turns even the worst situation into something positive.

For example, if I get rejected by a girl, then I can say I'm the worst ladies man ever! For some reason, that is a really empowering thought for me. I always thought I was SUPPOSED to be good with women. But then it occurred to me maybe I just PLAIN SUCK at it. That is my natural being. That makes me feel unique for some reason.

But the funny part is once I think that way, I find myself relaxing in front of even the most attractive women.

You go girl!

[Brien]

First of all, I dont understand those that replied to put the op down. Maybe you're trying to help her keep things in perspective? Belittling isn't the best way to do that.

Also, what's with the mentality that there is somehow a duality between events that happen "on the internet" and events that happen "in real life"? The first is just a subset of the second. If StarFish sees her friend taking her down from his "top friends list" as a sign that she is unloved, it is just as valid as if she thought the same thing because of something else he did "in real life".

That said, StarFish, you shouldn't take not being on his list seriously. Rethink how you get your sense of self value. If this upset you, then maybe you get too much of your sense of value from others. It doesnt matter whether or not you were just a ************buddy to him, you are much more to yourself. Respect yourself more than to care how he ranks you as a friend.

[JeffT]

Colm already said most of what I was thinking but I will say whats on my mind anyway...

Relationships are complex things to describe with words, but it sounds like he wanted you to be his f***buddy. And it sounds like you liked him, and you got into a sexual relationship with him hoping that it would turn into more, and that he would start to feel the same way about you that you feel about him.

Now that you have been in that type of relationship with him he is going to see you as a f***buddy in any relationship that you try to build with him. The only thing that can change the way he see's you right now will be alot of time apart. I think you are doing the right thing by getting yourself out of that relationship. If you are getting out hoping that it will finally make him take you seriously, unfortunately, it's probably not going to happen. I think you should move on to a guy that can give you what you need in a relationship.

As far as the Myspace thing, don't let him control your emotions with his friends list. Your friends are closer to the situation then anyone on this forum. I would listen to their advice and play it cool.