Why would a man ever get married?

[jsot]

You might as well flip a coin at the alter. Heads: you have to have sex with the same woman for the rest of your life, tails: she gets half your money and all of your stuff.

[Angela Leeds]

There are no benefits in your mind to forming a team with someone?

I've been resolutely single for many years (after an early divorce), but I have come to see value in some form of life partnership for the following combined reasons:

To be shared witnesses to each other's life...a have a help-meet, someone who cares what happens to you, supports you...and to offer the same in kind. And because it is my observation that two people together can be more than the sum of their parts...if they have shared goals and work as a team to achieve them.

But if freedom is what you want & need, why argue with that if it serves you now? Though have to say...doesn't sound like you have the most encouraging outlook on women in general. *grin*

[magi13]

because he wants to. marriage is a life long continuing adventure. it'll work well if both parties are responsible.

[pyrogen]

Why don't you ask some happily married men why they chose to get married?

[cylon]

I think the question is answering itself.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

Why don't you ask some happily married men why they chose to get married?

I asked a couple beside my condo, they've been happily married for 23 years. The answer they gave me was that, they just knew they were meant for each other. I guess it's kind of romantic.

maybe it's an imprinting thing, when you see someone, it's like it's meant to be. of course reality doesn't work like that, but happily married people really give me motivation to move forward. ^^,

i think if we can point out the different factors that causes a failed marriage we can generalize a guide for people who wish to get married.

so far here are the issues that people should consider.
1. communication
2. physical communication (sex, cuddling, etc.)
3. something random every now and then
4. fidelity
5. attention
6. you have to be sexually compatible with each other.

[cylon]

Be mindful of the present, young padawan.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by magi13

how can a question answer itself? only when the thread starter finds people who are happily married, then and only then can the question be answered. ^^, think before posting hehe. :3

Lol. Be sure to take your own advice. A question tells you a lot of things. Every question has many assumptions built into it. If I ask you whether you enjoyed your date this week that assumes many things, including that there is a you and there is an I, that you had a date this week and that it was supposed to be enjoyable, that we are in the same week, that I'm motivated to ask you about your date for some reason, either because I care about you as a person or of your dating life. I could have other motives, too, such as maybe I want to date you and I secretly hope it went badly. Who knows. Point is, questions are rarely that simple.

The very fact of this question being asked assumes that there is doubt whether it worth getting married. Cylon points out that the question asnwers itself because, the very fact the question is being asked means that it isn't, at least according to him. Hope I got that right.

To OP: You're framing this like it's a lottery or a coin toss, which I disagree with. I think it's more like poker: there is osme luck involved but there's skill too. Pavlina wrote about this, too: "what the odds of becoming a black belt" is the article's title I think. Look up the work of John Gottman, who claims ot be able to predict whether a couple will stay together with over 90% accuracy over 7 years. He uses that knowledge to counsel couples to up their chances.

[Corey]

Originally Posted by jsot

You might as well flip a coin at the alter. Heads: you have to have sex with the same woman for the rest of your life, tails: she gets half your money and all of your stuff.

Assuming that the marriage doesn't work @ the tails part.

[frajilthunder]

I will have been married for 20 years next month. I can't know if I would have been happier if I hadn't married, but I doubt it. It's hard to describe, but maybe the best word for it is comfortable. Not that every day or every month is comfortable. Weve both had our issues with fidelity, domestic details, child rearing opinions, finances, etc. I can definately see why a lot of marriages don't last, as the above issues can be deal breakers without a lot of love and work, but it gets easier as the years go by, and now for me it is very difficult to imagine my life without my wife being by my side, as sappy as that sounds. To jsot, if sex with only one person is a deal breaker, then marriage is not for you, at least not yet. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You never know though what you might find in this world.

[RT Wolf]

Oh, I should point out: the data indicates married people with no children are the happiest bunch. If they're religious, they're even happier. Of course, the group stats don't have mean jack at the personal level.

I know one middle aged guy who's had like two children with a long term partner. They never married. I know another young couple that've had one kid and wanna have like 5 more and they don't plan on getting married. Marriage is not the only way to have a really long aterm relationship.

[SomeRandomGuy]

I have been very happily married to 11 years. If I had it to do over, with the knowledge I have now, I probably would not get a legal marriage. I've decided that a legal marriage is unnecessary, and not something I feel the need to be part of. I would still, however, happily enter into a committed relationship which would be identical to marriage in my relationship, other than the legal aspect.

@OP - I think that if you have to ask why a man would get married, then it is apparent that marriage is not right for you. Unless/until you no longer have to ask that question, then I would suggest not marrying. If you are ever at a point in your life where you are ready to be married, the question will seem silly. At that point, you may be asking yourself, why would any man not want to be married.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

Oh, I should point out: the data indicates married people with no children are the happiest bunch. If they're religious, they're even happier. Of course, the group stats don't have mean jack at the personal level.

I bet some of that is because unhappily married couples often stay together ONLY because of the kids. So they sacrifice their personal happiness, for the stability of their kids not having separated parents. But I think a lot of kids still pick up on it, and are damaged by it.

As far as religious couples, I can only speak for the people in my own family. They think being married through God means they have a special marriage and that God has blessed it, so they won't have any marital problems and it will be all smooth sailing. But I've never seen it actually work that way.

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

I know one middle aged guy who's had like two children with a long term partner. They never married. I know another young couple that've had one kid and wanna have like 5 more and they don't plan on getting married. Marriage is not the only way to have a really long aterm relationship.

See, so why not just NOT get married? It isn't the institution it used to be. Back in our grandparents day, probably even up until the 60s or 70s, getting a divorce was something society looked down upon, so people would stay in bad marriages. You would have a stigma about you, especially if you were a woman. Like you failed at something. And the kids had a stigma if their parents weren't married. Like they were somehow defective. These days marriage is the same thing as an LTR.

But yeah it is stacked against the man. In the unhappy situation of divorce, a man will usually lose much of his wealth, and if there are children involved, the chance of him getting custody is not very good. Almost everything is geared to the woman's advantage. I know it's unpopular sometimes to point the truth out, but that's how it is.

So thinking of that stuff, what is the LEGAL, FINANCIAL BENEFIT of a MAN getting married. Nothing. You don't have to sign a document to stay with the person you love forever. But you do if you want to give them the option to take all your stuff and your kids if they get mad one day and want to leave you.

I know the OP was kind of a funny question, but really what is the actual BENEFIT a man gets from marriage, that he couldn't get just from deciding on his own that he will let the relationship last as long as it naturally will last? At least in that instance he's not in danger of losing what he's worked his life to build up.

[magi13]

Marriage is a personal choice. If you're afraid of commitment it's not for you. There are also many factors to consider, your life style and others.

[aelle]

Marriage is set as an equal parntership by default, but it isn't necessarily the case. If one feels it is unfair that the partnership is considered equal when it is dissolved, even if the woman didn't contribute to 50% of its value, then you should be fighting for equal pay.

Since we're now talking about the benefits of marriage over other long term relationships arragements, I can see 2. The first benefit is social recognition: you publicly declare your relationship and, with many people and institutions, get taken a lot more seriously for it. This publicly, legally acknolwedged partnership also means that you can take decisions (medical, for example) for one another if your spouse is unfit to do so themselves. Try doing that with your boyfriend.
The second is that you can grant financial protection to your spouse. Amazingly, there are people out there who love their partner so much they'll agree to be trusting and possibly generous at the risk of being ripped off. You can co-own a home and share your revenues informally with your girlfriend/boyfriend but that only works as long as you are healthy and alive.

[magi13]

We can also check the law which is applicable in our state. That will serve as a good basis to figure out what type of property regime we would like to have in our marriage.

Separate and Community Property During Marriage: Who Owns What?

here's a sample link.

[vMike]

It's interesting that no one here mentioned such reasons as kids and family..

[magi13]

Originally Posted by vMike

It's interesting that no one here mentioned such reasons as kids and family..

Good point, can you share your own view with respect to kids and family? My own reason for getting married, is that I love my girl and I want the society to recognize our mutual partnership.

I think this may not be the case for everyone and I guess some can also be attached to their property. I wasn't raised materialistic, that's why property has no value for me, either that or I just make money easily and take it for granted.

nice post vMike, it made me reflect more on the subject.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by cylon

But yeah it is stacked against the man. In the unhappy situation of divorce, a man will usually lose much of his wealth, and if there are children involved, the chance of him getting custody is not very good. Almost everything is geared to the woman's advantage. I know it's unpopular sometimes to point the truth out, but that's how it is.

So thinking of that stuff, what is the LEGAL, FINANCIAL BENEFIT of a MAN getting married. Nothing. You don't have to sign a document to stay with the person you love forever. But you do if you want to give them the option to take all your stuff and your kids if they get mad one day and want to leave you.

I know the OP was kind of a funny question, but really what is the actual BENEFIT a man gets from marriage, that he couldn't get just from deciding on his own that he will let the relationship last as long as it naturally will last? At least in that instance he's not in danger of losing what he's worked his life to build up.

Talking about assumptions... You are making a ridiculous offensive assumption that men will be the one coming into the relationship with more assets and that THEY will be the one to earn the shared assets during the marriage, while the wife is basically a leech. I for one have tended to have a higher net worth than the men I date, lower lifestyle expenses, and a correspondingly better understanding of personal finance. If I got married I would feel equally responsible for contributing to our shared financial situation, and if I divorced I'd feel I should get an equitable portion of our shared assets (and I'll have a prenump, which is a whole other topic). I find it a really offensive assumption that the man will be wealthy and the woman will be penniless except for marriage/divorce.

Also sometimes one career demands the other person be more flexible rather than committing to their own career success- particularly if children are involved. My sister is planning her marriage to a guy going into the Air Force- she is committing to follow him as he moves for his career, having children (which HE wants and certainly couldn't raise children alone), and working as she can but probably not achieving as much as she would single. She's also the one with more financial discipline (which sadly is not saying much)- over the past several years she's probably saved him quite a bit of money by helping him avoid credit card debt and foolish college spending.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I find it a really offensive assumption that the man will be wealthy and the woman will be penniless except for marriage/divorce.

I said that in case of divorce, the woman will get the man's assets. This is historically true. Remember the thread was about marriage, from what a man's benefit would be. I didn't assume anything about women being penniless, you came up with that, not me.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I find it a really offensive assumption that the man will be wealthy and the woman will be penniless except for marriage/divorce.

Sticks and stones?

[magi13]

^^, This is why the separate property regime was enacted. ^^,

Do men find women who are good achievers or successful intimidating? In my case I'm more successful than my girl, but she's building her own power too and it makes me happy that she's doing good.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by cylon

I said that in case of divorce, the woman will get the man's assets. This is historically true. Remember the thread was about marriage, from what a man's benefit would be. I didn't assume anything about women being penniless, you came up with that, not me.

What makes them the man's assets, expressly? Isn't the division meant to be of shared marital property?

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by magi13

Marriage is a personal choice. If you're afraid of commitment it's not for you. There are also many factors to consider, your life style and others.

Gotta love the good ol' "afraid of commitment".

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by jsot

You might as well flip a coin at the alter. Heads: you have to have sex with the same woman for the rest of your life, tails: she gets half your money and all of your stuff.

Who says you have to be married and have sex only with that person?

I know a woman who openly has one husband, one wife, one boyfriend and one girlfriend

I also know another man who has a wife and they each had a boyfriend and girlfriend living with them at the same place. The wife's boyfriend and the wife's husband became best friends too.

There are prenups too to figure out who gets what if the marriage ends instead of leaving it up to the law. Anyway, as I learn in my law class, marriage is the most heavily regulated contract that exists. Better to draw up your own contract instead of leaving it up to the government to define marriage for you.

[pyrogen]

Anyone who wonders why they would want a legal marriage when they can just live together and love each other... should ask a gay couple why they want to get married.

If this right were denied you, you'd actually think of it differently and realize how many legal and economic strings are attached to legal marriage.

[JuleeQ]

In my experience - and, yep, I'm a female - MANY men press marriage because they think it gives them rights of possession. Being a truly independent woman annoys the heck out of certain men and popping the question and pressing for 'committment' seems to make them think they will gain some kind of control.

Also, in certain community property states, men stand to gain financially by marriage. I guess it could help on your taxes too.

Marriage could create 'family identity' for your children. It could create a deeply intimate and satisfying relationship, though admitedly, that is rare.

Emotional security? Sexual security? Clean laundry?

I don't know......just some thoughts.

~JuleeQ

[magi13]

Originally Posted by JuleeQ

In my experience - and, yep, I'm a female - MANY men press marriage because they think it gives them rights of possession. Being a truly independent woman annoys the heck out of certain men and popping the question and pressing for 'committment' seems to make them think they will gain some kind of control.

I believe this is because they want to ensure their own genetic material is passed.

Also, in certain community property states, men stand to gain financially by marriage. I guess it could help on your taxes too.

This is the government perspective, the assumption is that they recognize the family as the basic structure of the government.

Possible reasons.
To limit the fighting between men/women between their partners by recognizing the title.
Your state's Family Code will help you here.

Marriage could create 'family identity' for your children. It could create a deeply intimate and satisfying relationship, though admitedly, that is rare.

The first reason = recognized by law.
We cannot assume that most marriages are bad or that they are good too. The only thing we can rely on is that, we are responsible for our relationships.

Emotional security? Sexual security? Clean laundry?

These are common problems couples usually fight over, ^^ even unmarried ones.

I don't know......just some thoughts.

~JuleeQ

Nice insight.

[Parthon]

Why get married? Those reasons are always personal. Mine are:

• To share your life with another person, your dreams, your aspirations, your fantasies and your truest deepest secrets.
• To support and care for another, and be their security when they need it.
• To be able to give another the freedom and support to do what they really want to do in life.
• To embrace life and all it's passions knowing there is another who you support who also supports you.
• To allow yourself to give to the world what you feel the world needs with the help of another.
• To grow, experience, improve and live together.
• To honestly express how each of you feels through a life long promise to each other.

Of course, you don't need to get married for all these. I guess you could say it's my reasons for a relationship. A better question would be: Why have a relationship?

[lisamelinda]

i don't know how the law works in the US, but over here there are definitely significant legal benefits to getting married. Of course, division of assets can be regulated in advance with an antenuptial (prenup) contract, and the accrual system can be put in place (the most fair division, to my mind). In fact, historically women often bore the brunt of a marriage gone wrong, whereby they married under complete separation of property and then raised the kids, contributed to the business, etc. then got left with absolutely nothing 20 years down the line. Just saying, this unpleasant situation was frequently highlighted in my family law textbooks, so there are always a few sides to every story. Fortunately, in some cases the judge was prepared to put a monetary value on such contribution, a difficult task for sure! As for children, the overriding criteria is 'the best interests of the child' when it comes to custody disputes. However, i would say there are definite benefits to having a child by marriage, particularly for the father (again, from my experiences with SA law ). Legal instances aside, i think with marriage people are prepared to put in a bit more effort. I'm all for divorce where required (happy my parents got divorced, no tears there), but people do sometimes give up far too easily.