What to do if un-faithful??

[boston123]

This account is no longer valid

[smallstar]

Cheers,

I to reply before anyone offered EFT or becoming a pick-up artist as a solution... wow

Being faithful is extremely hard. Extremely if you are young and virile. I see your situation mainly as a conflict of interests - you want both to eat the cake and to spare it. (Anyway, at least at some level of your subconscious, you did want to cheat on her, and this conflicts directly with your intention of being faithful and not hurting her)

Putting my evil imagination at work, I see two choices:

1) You really love her, but just cannot commit yourself to one person for now. This is perfectly normal, but seldom accepted (at least by girls). You will have to choose between eating the cake and sparing it - either restrain yourself and save your relationship, or let her go. I know it doesn't help a little bit now, but most probably in five years you'll be wondering how you could possibly care for her so much (or you'll be crying yourself to sleep every night because you let her go, only you know the difference. Remember - the 7 might seem a 10 to someone who has little experience or imagination.)

2) You are already fed up with her, you just don't know it consciously, and your subconscious mind tells you in the most visible means possible. Maybe you are overcome with the fear of losing her, and just want to end it (concentrated on the "losing her", you found an opportunity.) Let her go, do not look back, and go find the 10.

-SS (Mood 1)

PS. If I chose to try to restrain myself and to save the relationship, which you are most probably going to do, I would not tell anything to her, and hope she'd never find out.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by boston123

This is my first post on this forum. I guess I am really searching for answers which leads me to this post.

I have been dating someone for almost 2 years now. We both are young, I recently graduated college, she is still finishing up and will be graduating in the near future. Our relationship has been unreal! I love this girl more than words and feel undeserving of her. She has been a friend and a soulmate to me. Recently I was out (I dont normally go out, but was hanging with friends I hadnt seen in a long time.) got to drinking. I ended up drinking too much and ended up doing something with someone else that will haunt me for a very long time.

Now, I have asked a family member advice about the situation and the advice was not to tell her. This person stated that by telling her your only dumping your guilt on to her.... the guilt is killing me. I love this girl so much, I want to so bad have a honest loving relationship, but by not telling her I am not being completely honest. I got the same advice from a couple friends... I guess I just wish I hadnt done something so ridiculous. I have been afraid of losing this girl ever since we started dating. Now that I did this... I could or will jeopordize my relationship that I cherish so much!!

Without kicking a dog while its down, does anyone have any insight? Please, any advice would be helpful. I dont want to lose this girl!

Thanks

Well, your family member gave you good advice. You cannot tell her...it would break her heart.

You have already established you did something wrong, seriously wrong. Welcome to the world oF wrongdoers. Lets put it in context, here.....you did it when you were drunk and your defences were at their lowest. (I am not saying the girl at the party through herself at you....YOU ARE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS). I wonder how many people wake up in a policecell feeling terrible after a rauctious drunken night out all because they felt macho enough to be cheeky to a policeman. And you didn't kill anyone. There will always be people who wake up in someone elses bed becuase they drank to much....sadly on occassion it does happen.

You love this girl of 2 years and sure you have a future together. Look to building that future now. You have been given a second chance. Take it and use it wisely.

And drink wisely my friend, it won't do you any good, but I think you now know that....Lesson learned.

Go tell that girl you love her more than anything in the world and tell it to her everyday, no 10 times a day and you will believe it strongly in your heart.

G

[Dharma]

How many times and from how many people can you hear: "Don't tell her"????

I guess that's not the answer you want to hear but it is the best advice by far you're going to get. So keep your mouth shut.

And you. Why torture yourself with guilt? It seems like you've already come to the realization within yourself that you won't do that again. So, keep that knowing and move on, live here, now, and stop recreating the past over and over again. If you're going top keep drumming it up you might as well start hitting yourself with a baseball bat.

Originally Posted by boston123

I have been afraid of losing this girl ever since we started dating. Now that I did this... I could or will jeopordize my relationship that I cherish so much!!

This is what you really need to work on my friend. You've dated her for two years, why the fear of losing her? Are you not good enough? In your eyes could she do better? Where is your unease?

[Dating Specialist]

Well sorry but I don't agree with the rest of the guys here to keep your rmouth shut.

Sure, the truth hurts. But the question now is, are you able to live with that guilt weighing on you? It sounds like you suffering heaps from it now, and if this past is haunting you like no end, how do you think it will affect your relationship with her?

Don't tell me you'll be even more loving and treat her better as your way of making up, because she will somehow sense that things are different.

She will be angry with you when she learns about this. She may even break up with you. If she does that, then you can either use your sincerity to win her back again or you have to respect her decision and leave her alone. This can be very painful I'm sure, but take it as a lesson in love and life. You'll know how to handle the next one in future.

But if after she has cooled off and you have truly shown your deep remorse and your strong desire to repent, maybe she will see that you cherish this relationship and wants to go on with her. The fact that you came clean with it also says the responsibility you have as a man - to be accountable for your own actions.

Continuing a relationship strained by a party's infidelity takes a lot of effort to rebuild. It'll be too long if I were to post it here. But I guess you need to take this step by step.

Just my opinion. After all, you are drowning in misery now with the guilt.

I wish you all the best.

[Erik Mazzone]

Yup, I agree with Kloudiia on this one. The typical guy advice is don't tell, and that gets rationalized with all the "you're making yourself feel better and her feel worse" stuff.

That kind of advice is practical in the very short run, but not at all in the medium to long term. More important still, it's the wrong thing to do. Period. Wrong for you, wrong for her.

This is one of those times where, as much as it sucks (and it will suck), you have to man up and be honest. Don't avoid the conflict. You'll be a better person and a better partner for it, with this girl or someone else.

[JKuehl]

Well seen in the Huna way, there is only one thing to do:
Don´t tell her!

You already hurt her when you did that thing, don´t intent to hurt her again by telling her!

Never intentionally hurt someone.

[Gordon]

Oh come on Erik and Dating,

He screwed up because of drink, not becuase he is a nasty person. He doesn't need to risk putting himself through a second round of hell if she gets rid of him. And of course herself.

If he had started this email telling us he was sober, then I would have given him the same answer as you, because he would have done it out of pure badness, not stupidity as in this instance.

Have you ever done anything stupid, not bad, stupid? You don't need to tell us the details, just yes or no.

Starting with me.....YES, more times than I can remember!!

G

[wolfgang]

Do you think she might find out? How would that go down if she hears it from someone else compared to from you? Keeping someone in the dark about mistakes is a hard path that could strain the relationship with a secret stress that might cause a demise anyway because of that stress. And also not telling lets one think one can get away with things - may actually reinforce a part of you that will think what you did was OK and behaviourly more apt to repeat it.

[Erin Pavlina]

Boston123: If the situation were reversed and this woman was out drinking and made a mistake, would you want her to tell you about it?

You said you feared you would lose this woman. It sounds like you may have manifested that intention.

[Dating Specialist]

Strictly speaking, he's done wrong. But we are humans, and we all err. Sure I've done something stupid, not just once too (Gordon you're right on this )

I just feels that everyone needs to be responsible for their own actions. At the same time, we all need to take care of ourselves in the presence or absense (esp absense) of our partners, if we love them. It's a kind of responsibility and commitment to them that says hey, even though we're not physcially together, you're still in my thoughts and I'll be keeping you in mind no matter what I do or who am I with.

So by allowing himself to be that drunk and to commit that mistake is already something that is killing him.(I'm guessing that's all) By keeping it quiet and pretending that nothing's happened in front of her sounds like another suicide.

I mean, sure, I agree that "What you don't know don't hurt" But if he is living with such guilt, I'm sure it will find its way into their relationship.

But if he can live with it and life goes on, then it's up to him to decide what will be the most appropriate decision. Not necessarily the best, but the most appropriate one.

Most important is to learn from this mistake and never to do it again!

I'd like to post this question too: "What if now she's the one who made that mistake. How different will things be?"

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Do you think she might find out? How would that go down if she hears it from someone else compared to from you? Keeping someone in the dark about mistakes is a hard path that could strain the relationship with a secret stress that might cause a demise anyway because of that stress. And also not telling lets one think one can get away with things - may actually reinforce a part of you that will think what you did was OK and behaviourly more apt to repeat it.

Yeah agree. It takes 100 more lies to cover the first lie. Unless it will never be found out, otherwise, honesty is still the best policy.

But keeping such a secret can be a burden to carry. Unless he's like what you say Wolfang that he finds the behaviour ok due to the fact that he's drunk, which also means he's more apt to repeat it. But looking from what he said, it doesn't seems to be so.

I believe we should give him the benefit of the doubt. If he's feeling so ok with it, he won't be posting this thread, will he?

[internal_affairs12]

peace, i would ask the first question first, what is love? because u have good times and ur feelings are hightened , does not mean u love, it means u have a like and a caring for her, to whatever degree, however , when we are in love we have a aim an purpose, and that is to make a reality that is conducive to nurturing that relationship. Since the relationship is in a reality, that acts against relationship than your focus should be on, help changing the reality.

So that, would suggest the drinking is out, it alters your state of mind, that means evaluating who your hanging out with, not that your friends can't remain ur friends but their ideas maybe different so your friends from a distance, and maybe in time they will see the value of your ways. Cheating, says that the concept of love is in question, and u must anwser that before ever getting into a relationship, for what we know is what we do, to protect what we are trying to build.


I would suggest you give her the option of choice, as you had the option of choice in what u chose, that is fair, then their is no lying , and dishonesty, but respect for choice.


LOVE IS A GUN
LOVE is the most precious force that you have. Because when you offer your love, whomever you offer it to, can take advantage of you by your love. Your love becomes the vehicle of your enslavement, your manipulation or your destruction. You dont give love to everything or everyone. Note that using the word [B](falling) in love, indicates a drop, become lower, collapse, a descent. [/B]

peace

Originally Posted by boston123

This is my first post on this forum. I guess I am really searching for answers which leads me to this post.

I have been dating someone for almost 2 years now. We both are young, I recently graduated college, she is still finishing up and will be graduating in the near future. Our relationship has been unreal! I love this girl more than words and feel undeserving of her. She has been a friend and a soulmate to me. Recently I was out (I dont normally go out, but was hanging with friends I hadnt seen in a long time.) got to drinking. I ended up drinking too much and ended up doing something with someone else that will haunt me for a very long time.

Now, I have asked a family member advice about the situation and the advice was not to tell her. This person stated that by telling her your only dumping your guilt on to her.... the guilt is killing me. I love this girl so much, I want to so bad have a honest loving relationship, but by not telling her I am not being completely honest. I got the same advice from a couple friends... I guess I just wish I hadnt done something so ridiculous. I have been afraid of losing this girl ever since we started dating. Now that I did this... I could or will jeopordize my relationship that I cherish so much!!

Without kicking a dog while its down, does anyone have any insight? Please, any advice would be helpful. I dont want to lose this girl!

Thanks

[Cron]

If you are in a committed relationship with her, you are obliged to tell her.

How would you feel if she slept with someone else? How would you feel if she didn't tell you and let that go on, potentially for years?

If you don't tell her you are a liar in addition to having been a cheat.

You did the deed and you need be willing to accept the consequences if you want to be a responsible and trust worthy human being.

If you don't have trust in a relationship you have nothing.

It isn't hard not to cheat. Yes, it isn't fun to say "no" to something you strongly want, but in the end that is all you have to do. People who say otherwise are trying to rationalize away their guilt or their disappointment with themselves.

Be a man. Take responsibility for your decision. You will feel better about yourself and you will be a better partner in the future....even if it isn't with this person.

You will also have more faith in your ability to control yourself which will have positive effects in every area of your life.

[Gordon]

Okay,

We don't know yet the full story, we don't know either of the two (3 if you include the party girl or it may have been a boy...for all we know...who knows what her/his feelings are like at the moment too...she/him may have strong feelings for the boston123).

(Boston if you have no homosexual tendancies here I aplogies then)

And it may be that Boston didn't sleep with her/him and possibly just had fumble in the jungle so to speak.

Again my point is ....he was an extremely stupid boy who out to character got drunk....not a bad person. He would I assume not be a bad person.

Now, if he had been sober and had done this several time before...or even got drunk several times before.....then YES, she would be far too good a person to have him...and should

But we don't know how she would react to what the sitauation...could be traumatic all because of stupidty not badness.

If she finds out via another source, then he needs to tell her the truth then, but mean time I stand by what I said earlier....keep your trap shut Boston.

Erin said earlier, if the shoe was on the foot, would he like to know. I think a more revealing question would be would he forgive her for her stupidity?

G

(I love this forum for all the different views people have)

[boston123]

I just wanted to take a second to thank everyone for their advice. This is, like I said my first forum posting and it has helped. Thanks again everyone, and thank you Steve for providing an environment for people who are having problems in life to communicate effectively with people all over the world.

Thanks again


Best Wishes to everyone!

[Colm OReilly]

Stephane from ideagasms.com sent out this mail a while ago, has some interesting points to consider methinks:

BEFORE you tell your girlfriend what happened, you need to understand
why you did it, come to terms with it, forgive yourself, and
ultimately have compassion for yourself.

THEN you can tell her what happened and apologize.

You see, if you apologize from a position of guilt, shame and
fear, she'll smell the weakness and eat you alive.

But... if you apologize from a position of inner-strength and
wisdom, she'll feel it.

Everything you do in life is for the greater good of your soul's
evolution.

Including this "mistake".

Sometimes we go down roads that we KNOW are unbalanced and ultimately
not good for us, but we NEED to go down those roads for a little
while to learn whatever truths we are seeking.

So HOW should you apologize to her and WHAT should you say?

Here's a little suggestion -

Tell her, "I learned a real lesson last night from an experience
I really needed to go through. I'm glad I went through this
even though it was painful.

Now, there's something I want to tell you, but before I do,
I want you to understand that the lesson I learned really wasn't
about you, or about us. It was about my own inner-strength and
my own heart.

I almost cheated on you last night, but the thought of betraying
you was too much. I stopped myself before things went too far.


I'm sorry that I played with fire. I kissed her but the further
we went, the more I thought of you and that's when I put on
the breaks.

I apologize for even going that far to begin with, but I'm glad
I went through this because the experience re-affirmed how lucky
we are to have found each other."

ASSUMING those words are honest words, something like that will
do quite nicely.

Don't memorize it as a script; it's just an example of how someone
with self-respect would apologize.

An interesting thing you will notice is that women aren't so
concerned with the physical details of what body parts touched
whom and how... She will be concerned about the EMOTIONAL aspects.
She will want to know if you LOVED the other woman more than
anything else.

But men are different... "I don't care if you LOVE him, I want
to know where he touched you!"

It's just a little difference I've noticed between the sexes.

Now, I've seen so many guys make mistakes and apologize to their
girlfriends in the wrong way.

When it comes to communicating with women, a s s kissing is
NEVER good.

If you apologize from a position of weakness and low self-esteem,
your girlfriends MUST jump all over you like pit bulls. They
have very little choice in the matter.

This is because women are sensitive, vulnerable creatures that
are "programmed" to seek out STRONG YANG PROACTIVE MEN.

ANY sign of weakness causes a woman's survival instincts to
kick in and protect her. Biologically, she is heavily programmed
to anticipate being 8.5 months pregnant and COMPLETELY DEPENDANT
on her chosen man.

A man's complete sexual act lasts for a few minutes. A woman's
complete sexual act lasts for 9 months and then another 18 years
or more.

That's a lot of pressure.

Guys ask me all the time why women never stop testing them,
and why women never seem to be 100% loyal.

"Even if she's loyal, I always catch her looking!"

It's because a woman is HEAVILY programmed to try to find the
best possible man she can get to ensure not only HER survival,
but the survival of her children.

This is also why women are SO MUCH MORE SELECTIVE than we are.

And this is why women constantly seem to test us. They have
a strong need to know that the man they are with is going to
be able to Protect, Provide, and Penetrate

[takkaria]

I did this once. I told my girlfriend (we were about six months in) the next day and she forgave me straight away precisely because I'd come and told her as soon as it had happened. What Erin said is the simplest and most direct thing on this thread, I think: do to others as you'd like to do yourself. It's hard, but you'd want her to make the effort in the same way to tell you, I'm sure, so do it. As soon as you can.

On the other hand, if you'd rather not know if she did the same, then don't say anything. I doubt that's the case, though, because if you don't want mutual trust in a relationship, what have you got to build it on?

[fubek]

Originally Posted by boston123

I dont want to lose this girl!

Sounds like you f'ed up and don't want to face the consequences. My advice is that it is her to decide if she wants to live with someone who is cheating on her.

[Lallymac]

The question is 'do you want to share love with this young lady' or do you want to remain in the illusion of 'being in love.' Sharing love with someone requires openess and honesty 'warts and all.' Can you forgive yourself for being human? If you chose the illusion, sooner or later reality steps in. To er is human, to forgive divine. Forgiveness starts with self. If you don't tell her, you are willing her to remain in the illusion of being 'in love.' While you remain in a state of guilt.
Lallymac

[Dave Kaminski]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Well sorry but I don't agree with the rest of the guys here to keep your rmouth shut.

Sure, the truth hurts. But the question now is, are you able to live with that guilt weighing on you? It sounds like you suffering heaps from it now, and if this past is haunting you like no end, how do you think it will affect your relationship with her?

Don't tell me you'll be even more loving and treat her better as your way of making up, because she will somehow sense that things are different.

She will be angry with you when she learns about this. She may even break up with you. If she does that, then you can either use your sincerity to win her back again or you have to respect her decision and leave her alone. This can be very painful I'm sure, but take it as a lesson in love and life. You'll know how to handle the next one in future.

But if after she has cooled off and you have truly shown your deep remorse and your strong desire to repent, maybe she will see that you cherish this relationship and wants to go on with her. The fact that you came clean with it also says the responsibility you have as a man - to be accountable for your own actions.

Agreed. Fess up; you made a mistake, now pay for it. You'll know better than to abuse your next relationship.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Lallymac

The question is 'do you want to share love with this young lady' or do you want to remain in the illusion of 'being in love.' Sharing love with someone requires openess and honesty 'warts and all.' Can you forgive yourself for being human? If you chose the illusion, sooner or later reality steps in. To er is human, to forgive divine. Forgiveness starts with self. If you don't tell her, you are willing her to remain in the illusion of being 'in love.' While you remain in a state of guilt.
Lallymac

I like what you have here Lallymac. Agree with every word you said.

[Eli]

Boston:
life is about being responsible, accountable. If you don't tell her it will affect your relationship for the long haul. The fact that you were drinking was not cause of your infidelity so come off it. the drink merely gave you the false courage to do what you long wanted to do. So man up and tell her, it may bring the two of you closer because in all the time the two of have been together she did not do the same and she is finding it hard to tell you. Peace..........Eli....................

[Dharma]

From the OP I see:
polarity
"I was out (of my box) and "I dont normally go out (of my box)""
unconsciousness (alcohol)
guilt
the past
choice for continued relationship
honesty
fear of loss
fear of the future

And everyone else's comments add these types of things:
she will find out (future)
angry girlfriend (future)
she will break up with me (future)
right/wrong polarity
a conflict (future)
you've hurt her (future)
not telling now leads to more future bad behavior (future)
you've already lost her (future)
assumption that guilt is forever (future)
posing a different question (distraction)
the idea of repentance
the idea of being a man
the idea of love
the idea of trust
the idea of other people
the idea of responsibility, accountability, and commitment

Ok Boston, none of this helps you... it muddies the water so you won't get to the real stuff. All the posters that have chimed in are reflections of you and what they write are pretty much what is going on in your head, albeit slightly below the surface.

First things first. You are in the future A LOT. Take a breath and see what's happening inside you now. It's like you are thinking of all these future possibilites to brace yourself for the inevitable. It is also keeping you from being in the moment and experiencing yourself.

Also note you have a lot of definitions ("idea of") of things that are probably not what you think they are. Those further throw you in a box to not let you experience yourself during this dilemma.

All this is your programming... something which we'll try not to stimulate anymore and maybe try to move you in a different direction than blame and self-hatred. This isn't about the girl, it's about you.

Recently I was out (I dont normally go out, but was hanging with friends I hadnt seen in a long time.) got to drinking. I ended up drinking too much and ended up doing something with someone else that will haunt me for a very long time.

So you're saying recently you stepped outside of what you normally do and went out drinking with friends. And you really stretched the limits of the picture of how you see yourself and did something which you're ashamed of doing. You didn't specify, but I'm guessing sex with another girl.

So getting closer to the bottom line, you're saying:
When I step out of my box I don't want to see what I'm creating. The only way I can expand who I am is through unconsciousness (alcohol). And after I've looked at what I've created, I go into shame and the future.

Shame is creating something and then saying I ought not have done that.

We are the creators of all our experience. This is where I'm coming from with my comments.

So, the first step, if you wish to follow my line of thinking is to own everything you're creating:

I am creating expansion of self
I am creating unconsciousness
I am creating sex with a girl
I am creating shame and guilt
I am creating fear of loss (of the girlfriend)
I am creating fear of the future
I am creating the choice for continued relationship

In my first post on this thread I mentioned the fear of loss of your girlfriend was the thing your should be looking at. I mean, right now you are steeped in that fear. It's time to address it.

What do you think will happen if you lose the girlfriend?

[Ijin Kaion]

1. become an atheist.
2. become a politician.
3. become a show host for late night show.
4. become a satanist.

unfaithfull is bollocks.
there is but you and that wich is your example.
laws are created by man, same as things like the bible.
i wouldn`t worry too much about it unless you are affraid to face god when you die.(if you even face him)
or fear of the "community"

if you are feeling unfaithfull then drink one on me:P

i shouldn`t worry too much about it, it`s not the things we do that makes us go to god or the deep south, it`s the choice of who we face.

you should just live life relaxed and day by day.

[Lychee]

Sorry, decided to delete the post.