Deciding what you want and getting it

[theStreetsOfLondon]

I've been thinking recently about what I truly want in a relationship.

I'm single at the moment and am considering whether I want to stay single or something else.

I enjoy the freedom of being single. This can range from the free time to the freedom to have multiple sexual partners (although I often pay for this! Taboo subject I know!).

I would love to find someone special though. Someone to share nice meals with, spend fun time together, have private jokes, trust and just hand out with as a couple.

I'm a little bit scared at losing my freedom though.

Currently I do a bit of internet dating. I'm generally pretty picky about who I choose to go on a date with so I date about once a month. So three dates in the last three months all of whom I haven't been interested in seeing again. They were nice but no spark.

So I suppose I'm casting a net out for a bit of advice and to hear how other people do this.

I'm currently happy as I am - plenty of freedom, plenty of great sex - but I miss the closeness of a relationship.

Should I be dating more often? Should I be less picky? Even I don't feel a spark should I be asking women out on second dates?

[RT Wolf]

Why don't you just try it out and let us know how it went? Try out each of those things you're considering in turn. It seems like anyone else's advice will remain their advice and may not always apply to you in tihs particular ocndition. Attraction can be finicky, so what worked for other people won't work for you.

You can try dating someone for a while and see how it impacts your freedom. Hell, you may find someone who's not interested in spending too much time together. I have two friends who spend maybe an evening a week together. They're just like that.

[Ralph]

You'll increase your chances for the close relationship that you want by searching for female friends, rather than for singles that date via Internet.

My current model of relationships is: friendship first, attraction second. I'm lucky to have some really attractive friends and they know me enough not to put me into the "girlfriend with a dick" wardrobe. It works out quite well.


As for what do you really want ... You want a close relationship with woman who will respect your freedom. You need someone who has very very little insecurities. Such woman won't be controlling or limiting you so much. There ARE such people on this planed, and you'll meet them if you're committed enough.
But first, determine what and who do you really want and have it on writing somewhere close to you. Sounds to me like a close relationship without too many rules. Perfectly possible.


Ralph

[theStreetsOfLondon]

Thanks Wolf and Ralph. Great posts.

I get the point about female friends... it is just it is easy to say but harder to actually put in to practice.... but I like hard. Give a sense of accomplishment

Generally meeting new people, becoming friends in a more than temporary way isn't that easy (for me at least). It's easy to meet people but often harder to build a true friendship there.

My friends
- old friends from school and university (all living far away - i see them every month or so)
- friends from work (we all work from home in different cities but communicate online everyday and meet once a month or so)
- random people I have met who become firm friends - got two great (male) friends who I can always trust although one is very busy with work and gf at the moment
- friends from my volunteer group - know lots of people there... but because we all work different shifts don't know so many so well


I think looking at that one thing to do in the future would be to try and be better friends with people at my volunteer group. There is one girl i really like there... but I don't want to make things awkward with here. so no idea if she is single or how to progress things.

Apart from that how do you magic up female friends?

[Ralph]

How do I make female friends? During the first interactions I always try to find out who that person really is behind her social mask. I ask questions about values, habits and goals. A useful question would be "why do you do it? What's so exciting in it for you?" or "what's your best memory ever?". If the answers are casual and schematic and other indications of that, I accept that the person is either too immature or in no need for a friend. I say "next!" and move on. No time to waste for incompatible people. Just be careful not to mistake a shy person from a closed one.


A great tactics for disarming people's shields is telling them right away very personal things about myself. This tactics assumes trust and they go along with it. They might feel they're in your debt and share some things of themselves - there you got a friendship running.


Play with it and you'll get better. Rejection and awkwardness is bound to follow, but hey, welcome to life ! You'll get used to it, sooner or later, willingly or not. So you might as well make a choice to calibrate right now.


Have fun making new friends

Ralph

[Eric Roosevelt]

Ralph, that sound like a decent model for making friends in general. However, most people would warn against getting stuck in "the friend zone", which can be a hard place to break out of. I guess it really depends what type of relationship both parties are looking for. I guess you'd both have to understand approximately what the other person's game was.

Originally Posted by theStreetsOfLondon

I get the point about female friends... it is just it is easy to say but harder to actually put in to practice.... but I like hard. Give a sense of accomplishment

That's the right attitude. Now just make sure you set realistic goals for yourself. Pick your relationships wisely. There's plenty of choice, so if you search around, there's a good chance you can find someone who's compatible with you. Good luck with this.

[bbdream8]

Internet dating is fine but it will be great if you can try to find more girl friends through your friends or community events. Do not jump into a relationship if you don't feel the spark as I find that the relationship wouldn't last.

Vincent

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by Eric Roosevelt

Ralph, that sound like a decent model for making friends in general. However, most people would warn against getting stuck in "the friend zone", which can be a hard place to break out of. I guess it really depends what type of relationship both parties are looking for. I guess you'd both have to understand approximately what the other person's game was.

Yeah, I guess I forgot to point out strongly enough that it has to be mixed with a specific attitude towards women that I have. I'm very familiar with PUA teachings, and although I've rejected most of it as manipulative, I have a certain way of being. I don't know how to explain it or teach it, but a woman feels like a woman with me. I bring out and admire her womanhood. Through my playfulness, body language, certain sense of humour, directing the conversation and being unpredictable and mysterious.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by theStreetsOfLondon

I'm currently happy as I am - plenty of freedom, plenty of great sex - but I miss the closeness of a relationship.

It sounds like you've got a belief that you can't have it all (happiness, freedom, plenty of great sex AND the closeness of a relationship).

What if you could have it all? If you were living a life in which all those things are present, what would it look like? Can you picture it?