i'm learning how childhood sexual abuse shaped the way I relate to others

[justholdstill]

...and I am beginning to work through it so that I can more easily form healthy, trusting relationships. Your thoughts, ideas, and own stories are so very welcome.

Sexual abuse has marked me for most of my life, and until recently I had no idea how deeply.

One day, when I was less than five, I was playing with my next door neighbor in his backyard. To this day I can't remember his name, what he looked like, except that he was blond and tan and usually wore a ninja turtles t-shirt, or how much older than me he was - my best guess would be that he was seven or eight at most - but I digress. We played together often, usually with some other girls on the same street, but on this particular day it was him and me and his male friend. When I tried to leave to go home, the two of them blocked the gate and wouldn't let me leave, taunting me when I started to cry and yell for my mom. Then I ended up pushed up against the gate with the two of them leaning over me, tugging at my shorts, telling me to show them what was under there, telling me that they wouldn't let me leave until I did.

And then - and then my memory is faulty, because I'm not sure what happened. I seem to recall that they got my shorts at least partway down, even though I was fighting and crying and covering myself. I can't state with certainty that they touched me in a sexual way because I just don't ****ing remember. My mind says "oh, just give them they benefit of the doubt, they didn't touch you there", as if being victimized in that way wasn't enough. It doesn't mean they did. It doesn't mean they didn't. I was five. No-one should have been trying to touch me, to see me in that way.

I think eventually they got bored (or perhaps realised that they had done something wrong) and let me go, at which point I ran to my mom, who later went next door and tore a strip off of his mom.


I have friends who were abused by siblings and others over an extended period of time, who can be certain that sexual acts actually took place, who had parents who witnessed and then denied the abuse - I'm afraid to call myself a survivor of sexual abuse because my story can't even begin to compare. But what does it say that I totally repressed that memory until the age of thirteen, which, interestingly, is when I first really noticed the emergence of mental health disturbances such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts? Now that I think on it, there were signs even before the recollection of that occurence that indicated I was a troubled child: sleep disturbances (staying up very late, getting up very early, sleepwalking, nightmares), telling teachers I didn't feel well to get out of class (to the point of my mom actually taking me to the doctor to ascertain whether there was something wrong with me) although I really didn't feel well at times, hoarding and stealing (mostly things from within my home - food, books, whatever - you name it, I kept it in my room. My parents eventually found out and punished me. And took me to a counsellor.), an intensive and early interest in sex and sexuality (though to this day I have never had a boyfriend and am, indeed, a virgin at 21!), change in school performance, a few attempts to run away, and being rather withdrawn and daydreamy.

I am also concerned that I may have sexually abused my brother when he was young, perhaps two. I remember being intruiged by his penis, and a few times after he had had a bath (we shared a room) I touched it while I was helping him get dressed, mostly just marvelling at the softness of that skin. Part of me will feel endlessly guilty over this the rest of my life, while the other part wants me to forgive myself because that's part of what kids do, and more than likely I was just interested in what he had that I didn't. I couldn't have been more than 6 at the time.

There are other incidences that are suspect, such as various sleepovers with two different female cousins about the same age as me where sexual behaviours occured (some I initiated, some I didn't - on one occasion one of the cousins wanted us both to take our pyjamas off so we would both be naked, and tried to tickle-wrestle me into submission).

I don't want to be an alarmist; I don't want to sift through my past looking for indicators of other sexual abuse, although, especially in the case of my next door neighbor, I can't help but wonder if it happened once, maybe it happened other times, too. And no, I don't want to go through the rest of my life wearing a "victim" badge. I have done myself proud, and moved so far beyond being that scared, powerless five year old sobbing helplessly behind a garden gate - I am a preschool teacher who loves her job and finds nothing more empowering that empowering the kids she works with because she knows how profoundly what happens when you are small can shape the way you live the rest of your life. I am a good friend, a good writer, a good sister and daughter. I have many ambitious plans and dreams, and I'm going for them. I try hard to believe that one day I will fall as completely in love as some of my friends have.

Yet...I think I am beginning to understand that there's a reason I'm not a very huggy or touchy person even though I didn't lack for physical contact from my family. I think there's a reason I largely avoid involving myself in personal relationships even though I am reasonably attractive, smart, loving, and fun. A reason such debilitating self-esteem issues hang around despite all evidence to the contrary. A reason it takes me so damn long to build real trust of anyone. A reason I mistrust the happiness of others in relationships almost to the point of wanting to sabotage them. A reason I think, almost daily, "there is something wrong with me."

I think that the reason is neither clear, single, nor easily defined, but this is the basic gist: I don't let people in because I don't trust their motives; I don't trust them not to hurt me or people I love. I don't trust happiness for its own sake because I know how fleeting it is, how easily it is broken. I don't trust innocence, maybe because I lost my own a long time ago. The whole concept is alien to me, and it's really affecting my ability to be happy for some friends of mine who may actually have found their soulmates, people who are genuinely kind, giving, and considerate, people who want me in their lives because they know how much I mean to their significant others. I fear that I am hurting them all by holding back so much, by being afraid to even be around such real, pure joy. It's hard, really ****ing hard, nay, impossible, to delve back into my history and say to anyone, even those I trust most, "I was sexually abused when I was five, and that's why I'm acting like such a crazy person right now." How implausible and cheap does that sound? I feel crazy and wrong for feeling this way in the first place, for being able to pinpoint that as the fault line shaking out all these worries and difficulties. But it's very true, and I'm worried about how I must appear to the people who are seeking my approval while I can barely figure out my behaviour from one moment to the next.

My hope is that acknowledging this and dealing with it head-on, no matter the rush of vulnerabilities, insecurities, and fears, will help me find my own joy in the future and be a better friend. I hope. I hope. I hope.

'Cause I'm sure going to try.

Note: adapted from a personal journal entry

[oakspringer]

Hello,

I give you props for coming out and saying this on a public forum.

Abuse of any kind can be a challenge to work through.

My encouragement is to find a professional who can walk you through this, someone who you can trust.

I wish you great success and prosperity.

Ben

[supertom]

GET A GRIP, sexual abuse seems to be a badge of honor these days for people, social conditioning is trying to deny anything sexual as something wrong, these days.

The first one I admit isnt good, but you all were just kids and what girl isnt intruiged with the penis when she first sees it, and with your cousins your just having fun, alot of gals would have done that, and they would have seen it as something fun.

Im guessing your christian, highly suggestible and I would recommend reading Nancy Faraday.

[justholdstill]

supertom, I'd hardly call sexual abuse a badge of honor in any circumstance. Doing so, especially mockingly, is a sign of the speaker's ignorance, insensitivity, and general rudeness. Unless you have been abused yourself, you have no idea of the shame, guilt, and long-term pain that can accompany such events. Haste thee to a library, so that you may research, and know wherefore thou speakest. Better yet, have yourself put in a sexually vulnerable position against your will, and then get back to me.

I'll agree with you that "social conditioning is trying to deny anything sexual as something wrong" - I know from both experience and education that children, naturally, are sexual beings too, and prone to experimentation; after all, kids learn best from hands-on experience. But in the case of my neighbor and cousins, I neither sought nor wanted the experience, and that does make all the difference.

Also? You're guessing wrong. Try again, sweetheart.

[Parthon]

First: Wow! Thanks for being so open about the whole thing. You really paint a vivid picture.

I know what supertom is trying to get at, but it's hard to do it with a mouth full of foot.

A lot of people wear the sexual victim as a badge, and become a victim to garner sympathy, etc etc. But you said quite strongly that you aren't that kind of person, you aren't interested in that. What you want is a path to travel in order to free yourself from the subconscious mess it created in you when you were young.

There are several ways this can be done, I've heard of people using NeuroLinguistic Programming, I've never tried it, but it's worth looking into. There's also a course called the Landmark Forum run by Landmark Education which is about freeing yourself from the hidden patterns that run your life to get your power and freedom back. At about $500, it's out of reach of some people, but definately worth it. Therapy could also help, but in my opinion, it costs way more, and doesn't help anywhere near as much.

If you don't like those, you can try self discovery. The success depends on how willing and commited you are, as well as what research you do. It's slower and sometimes harder, but often way more effective.

You are already definately on that path, just looking at what happened and the ripples it has caused in your life will open up new options. As you go through your life, and not all the time because that would stress you out, you can be aware of subconscious reactions. As it happens, realise that you aren't choosing to do something, or feel a particular way, it's just an automatic reflex. Then see if it's caused by something that happened in your past related to this incident. 99% of your automatic reactions are caused by things in your past. In the moment that you see what you are doing is connected to what happened years ago, the link is temporarily broken, and you have another way to react. If you are about to hug a friend, and you feel uneasy, then realise the unease is from this experience in the past, then give up the unease and hug the person anyways. Just doing this weakens the link and brings back more of your power and freedom.

Examining your past is also a good idea. Don't lose yourself in it, and don't use it as a crutch though. It's been and done, and it's all over. What's important though is looking for the links that are still effecting you in the present, much like chains still dragging you back. Like with the incident with your cousins, what kind of automatic responses did you create from that? How about with your brother, where there any negative longterm repercussions.

I just realised that this is all on an intellectual level. It will definately help, but we should bring up the emotional and physical sides as well. And I just realised I have little to no experience in this area.

When you feel conflicting emotions, or even grouped emotions, like love with fear together, then there's often a source of collapse in your past. The perfect example is what happened when you were 5. In a time of great fear, panic and shame, you related physical intamacy with those emotions. As your first sexual experience it would be devestating, so you've lumped them together. Then any moment you experience intamacy, the fear and shame are right there, and you freak out.

The challenge here is to cleanse your emotions, so you can experience them without the collapse. Discovering the source memory is a great start, explore it and see whether you want to keep it. Imagine yourself in a current situation relating to the trigger, such as hugging a potential boyfriend, and feel what arises. Is this real fear and shame? Are the emotions real, or are they an echo? Feel them, accept them, and dismiss them. Just let them come up, and fade away, while still holding onto the triggering situation. Can you work through the emotions to reach your power and freedom again?

Sorry about the long post. I hope you get something out of them. If not, I still have a whole bunch of other ideas and techniques.

[justholdstill]

Parthon, you are so right in so many ways, especially about intimacy and grouped emotions. Learning to be comfortable around my friend's new boyfriend can be quite challenging - take last night, for instance, when we had a personal conversation and he reached out to give me a hug; I involuntarily shrank back from him, anxious and fearful and somewhat ashamed of my reaction, making the moment awkward for about ten seconds until I chose to relax, and to trust him enough to let him hug me.
Figuring out how to change these kneejerk emotional reactions is a lot of work, so I am trying to take it slowly and be as honest as possible with myself and others.

I also like what you said about not losing myself in my past. I've felt a strong connection to the saying "what's past is dead" since I heard it - to me it means that although certain events and people may have had influence in my past, they are unable to definitively influence my future without my consent. Just knowing that is a step toward freedom and real joy.

Thanks for all your awesome advice and suggestions. I'm sure I'll refer back to your reply again as I progress along this path.

[The Cloud]

First of all, welcome .

What are the specific issues that you want to deal with? What problems do you encounter with relationships and social situations, and what do you think the specific cause of these problems is? By what means does your past control your actions?

[supertom]

Did you ask your mum what you told her happen on that day

[SeanSmith]

justholdstill - First of all, I commend and honor you for opening your heart on this forum. I totally agree with Parthon regarding your need for resolution at the unconscious level. You must release the emotional/energetic ties to those events in your childhood. And, that can be done quite quickly.

Parthon mentioned Neuro-linguistic Programming, which I became certified in after someone helped me through a major belief breakthrough of my own. I now help a lot of women release all the negative residue around sexual abuse. If you're up for it, I'm happy to speak with you further offline where we can do 'the work' necessary for your complete emotional healing and taking back control of your life, instead of letting these two boys have any more power over you.

You'll be fine. It's not difficult work at all. And I've never seen it take any longer than 3 total hours to completely release and all emotional ties around abuse.

I hopefully look forward to helping you empower yourself...
Sean Smith
sean@coachseansmith.com

[AuspiciousEight]

justholdstill - I know what you're going through. I can relate very well. I won't go into details here, because it would be pointless to do so.

I can tell you that you won't get the support you need from a public forum. You will get lots of advice and criticism, but not support. You won't find many people here who really understand what you're going through, simply because most people haven't gone through such things.

What you need is one on one support, from a compassionate person who understands what you're going through. You may or may not get this from a therapist.

Find a close friend. Someone you can trust and be open with. Someone who understands you and is eager to help. A close, male, friend. These childhood sexual issues will manifest themselves as a distrust and discomfort with men. This is why it is important that it be a man who helps you through them.

This is how I recovered. I confided in a close, female friend of mine. She listened, completely understood, and helped me through things.

If you have no such male friends in your life, you can probably find someone online that will gladly help you through this. As you can see, there are several people here who would like to help.

If all else fails, you can always PM or email me, and we can talk. No one should have to live a life of suffering because of past injuries.

[magi13]

I understand how you feel. I recommend this book https://www.gavindebecker.com/books-gof.cfm which has helped me a whole lot from such things.

I know my advice is prevention, and it may not be what you want, but it'll enlighten you in some things that you should know.

Good luck and move forward.