Why do they run away from me?

[sokolata]

Hello everyone,

It has happened several times in my life: someone I really care for suddenly disappears one day and doesn't allow me to talk to them anymore. Sometimes I can tell that something is wrong, because they are distant for a period of time, other times it just comes out of the blue. If it were just one person or two, I'd think that something is wrong with them, but I've come to the conclusion that something in me must induce this behavior on other people. However, no matter how much I think about it or discuss it with my friends, I cannot find out what it might be. I have even tried asking these people, when I see that they become distant. I ask them why they are distant, if they are just busy or if something is wrong, but I never got any sensible answer, just excuses. It's not like I cannot get along well with people overall, though. I do have friends, and I've known some of them since we were 4 years old...

Some people have managed to get back to me though, and I've tried asking them the reason after this, but I cannot find a pattern that might lead me to a reasonable conclusion. One of them said I was too clingy, and since I heard this, I'm always trying my best not to be clingy. However, I've also heard answers ranging from "sorry, it's all my fault" to "you were the only one who treated me the way I wanted to be treated, I was a total idiot, wish I could go back in time". I don't hold any grudges, it's just that they're not too helpful there...

I recently met a guy online, almost coincidentally. I was looking for someone to practice a foreign language with, and I had met several people this way. However, one or two days after we first started talking, we fell in love. It's a long-distance relationship, so we didn't think it's going to work out, but I was happy, and so was he. I can tell that he was truly happy to talk to me and that he cared for me. A few days ago, he started studying for an upcoming exam. If I saw him online during this time (which didn't happen too often), I'd say hi, wish him luck in his study, and tell him that I miss him, and he'd answer some minutes (or hours) later, just for a small while. He was kind of distant indeed, but I figured I'd also be distant if I were studying for several hours straight. Today we spoke for a little while and he said he was tired, though he did seem happy to see me. I said "will we talk later then?", he answered "yes" and then "good night". And he just went ahead and deleted me from his instant messenger...

I've tried talking about it (not just this particular person) with my family and friends, and every single time it looks like the other person is out of their mind. Can anyone give me a clue on what to look after and how to find out why I induce this behavior, or why I attract such people?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sokolata

...one or two days after we first started talking, we fell in love.

Here is your clue, sokolata.

[sokolata]

Thanks for your answer

So... you mean that he got to know me better and decided that he didn't want to be with me?... I don't know how else to interpret that.

Maybe it's worth mentioning that it was a special case here... so how about some people who knew me for several months? Also, how about some people that were just friends?...

[SimonaRich]

You are probably too much involved with others and care too much about what they think of you. You should not say things like 'so we will talk later, ok?' or something like that because it sounds like you are desperate to talk to that person.

Keep a bit to yourself and enjoy time with yourself. Do not get obsessed over what others think about you.

You are a bit too clingy because I had one friend who was like that. We were just friends but he would keep texting me all the time and tried to meet me as often as he could. He would pay for everything and do everything for me.

That is all nice, but it shows that that person is desperate. And when someone is desperate you tend to distance yourself from that person.

I personally stopped texting him back, did not answer any calls and avoided meeting him. I did that because I felt a bit scared of him stalking me if I would continue this friendship.

Maybe some people think the same way about you. Maybe the amount of calls and texts they receive from you scare them. You may think that you are reasonable and you are doing everything right because of your personal experiences, but others may think completely differently.

So my final advice is that you should just relax and enjoy your own company. If you do not enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to enjoy it?

When you are completely happy alone, trust me, friends will come so quickly and there will be so many of them that you will not know with whom you want to meet.

[Parthon]

What's the difference between people that you've had for friends since you were 4, and those that have drifted away?

Honestly though, that's what life is about. People come and go, and the ones that are worth hanging on to you stay friends. Not by sticking to them like glue, but just through fate and willingness.

I've had many friends in my life time, some for a long time, some for a short time. The ones that have drifted away, it was always for a reason, either with me or with them, but the outcome was the same. Other friends I'm closer to know more than ever, but even then I know it won't last, so I'm going to make the most of it now.

I remember some conversations with a good friend of mine, we told each other that we would be friends forever. But life had other plans, our lives have changed so much that we've just drifted apart over the last two years. I don't begrudge it though, it's just part of life, but I do miss the great friendship.

Perhaps just give up the notion that you have to be friends with people forever, and just enjoy them when you can. People *will* exit your life, time to time. The important thing is that you know this deep down and can let go of them with love, compassion and freedom, as well as fully enjoying the rare time you have together.

In fact: is there anyone in your life right now you could be closer to?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sokolata

Thanks for your answer

So... you mean that he got to know me better and decided that he didn't want to be with me?... I don't know how else to interpret that.

Maybe it's worth mentioning that it was a special case here... so how about some people who knew me for several months? Also, how about some people that were just friends?...

You are welcome. Try on: after talking for a couple of days, were you really in love? Or is it possible that you were feeling the first glimmerings of enjoying someone and delighting in the possibility of getting to know someone who is very interesting? Does that feel a little different -- a little less -- heavy?

Consider that feeling in love, or any other really loaded emotional charge, can feel overwhelming both to the person who is feeling it and also the person for whom it is felt. A person who is experiencing either of those things might respond to that overwhelm by withdrawing from it. I know I might. Being faced with someone who makes a huge leap into emotional heaviness, even if I'm also doing it myself, can make one project out all kinds of fears and expectations all over the other person, like a lab experiment gone wrong. SPLOOSH!

What do you think might be possible in your life if you had all the trust you need, trust in yourself to take your time and enjoy the process of getting to know someone, letting go of expectations and allowing yourself to feel your feelings gently and allowing them to grow at a nice, relaxed pace, meanwhile keeping your eyes and ears out to see and hear and feel how the other person is responding, and keeping a nice pace, letting go of any need to rush, enjoying the process of trusting yourself, and you have everything you need inside yourself. You are safe and supported.

How would your ideal life be like if you totally trust yourself?

[sokolata]

Thanks everyone for your answers

In fact, I do try holding back and seeing how the other person is feeling, and keeping a distance if needed, but it looks like it's not enough. Although, thinking about it, I realize that it cannot be the case with some people, I guess it does happen a lot, and I'll try to save at least what might be due to this fact in the future.

In the meantime, I just hope that he'll eventually calm down and miss me... it's happened in the past, so why not now? (cannot stop hoping, sorry... )

Great support group, thanx a lot everyone!

[Yynatago]

I have been in your position, I have seen others in your position and I've been on the receiving end of someone who wants more contact then I'm prepared to give. Each time, I've found it to because of poor social calibration, misjudging how much contact is too much.

I can tell you this:
1. Its normal for people to drift away and/or lose interest in some of their relationships over the course of time, regardless of the situation.
2. Too much contact (sms/phone calls/msn) typically pushes people away, especially if its when at an inconvenient time for them
3. People want what they don't have. If you deprive people of your attention, then they'll want it more.
4. Completely ignoring people is rude. So be careful you don't go to the other extreme of too little contact.
5. Your thoughts human behaviour is wrong to some extent (As is everyone's). Accept and learn (as you did by posting )


Tips:
1. Don't reply straight away on all sms/voice mails/emails. Give yourself time, and permission to wait till you're ready to reply
2. Don't wait too long to reply.
3. If you've been initiating all the conversations, then refrain from initiating the next one. Give them a chance to initiate. Say you've been initiating a conversation every evening, then be semi-busy the next evening to give them a chance. If they don't, then by all means initiate the next evening, but do so less frequently.
4. Don't over do "Playing" the game. Use tips like these to adjust your habits, not to trick people into liking you.

Regards,
Yynatago

[sokolata]

Yynatago: Thanks Believe it or not, I already knew this far, I already follow these guidelines, but it's not enough. I mean, I've been already told I was too clingy, so I even got to the point of counting calls and counting how often someone initiated the conversation! I believe that I shouldn't have a "balanced" relationship, where I give as much contact as I receive, because that still won't keep people from running away when their feelings are too strong, compared to what they are willing to accept.

Also, I know it's normal for some people to drift away. However, it's another thing to just lose interest and eventually stop contacting each other, and it's completely different to disappear out of the blue. I'm talking about situations where we contact each other once or twice per day (not just me, mind you, I do keep the balance), and suddenly they are nowhere to be found, and a few days later, when I eventually decide to call, they won't answer.

I'm seriously thinking of becoming rude next time...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sokolata

I'm seriously thinking of becoming rude next time...

It looks like you missed my point earlier, sokolata (nice name, by the way -- it makes me hungry).

You get more of what you focus on, and you seem to be focused on avoiding people running away from you. But your unconscious mind doesn't process negatives (), so you get more of people running away from you. D'oh! And if you focus on becoming rude, that's what you'll get, too. Don't be surprised if your rudeness inspires rudeness in others (along with more running away).

I am inviting you to focus on what your real heart's desire, the desire that lies under your needing to be "in love" or safe from people running away. Those are stressful "needs" because you're trying to avoid something (loneliness, being single, being alone), and the avoidance keeps you tied to what you don't want. And what would being in love, or people not running away provide for you? What would you actually have, as a value? Keep asking that question about whatever comes up. When you find the value that is stress-free, you'll have distinguished your heart's desire.

Until then, your desire to get away from what you don't want has you coming across to people as needy or to be avoided. It's not the number of times you contact people, it's the emotional charge. When your emotional charge is all about getting away from what you want, it doesn't matter how many times you call, or what you do at all. And when you're going for your heart's desire, people will joyfully fall into your orbit.

You get what you focus on, so focus on what you want.

[Jthorn]

What the people say here regarding neediness/clinginess is true.
I for one wonder however, why do we consider it normal that such things push us away? While it's true that usually the person is desperate and has some kind of issue to sort out, they can still be a wonderful and fascinating person, if you 're willing to put up with them while they resolve their problems. So if you ask me, it's always a 2-way thing; the people who run away scared aren't quite perfect at handling you either.
Anyway, my advice is that you should not be thinking of the tips above ie count the calls us you say, and force yourself to refrain from calling. This will never work in my experience. Instead, get busy with yourself, truly busy not just pretending to be. Then you will naturally become less clingy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jthorn

I for one wonder however, why do we consider it normal that such things push us away?

I would say it's because assigning the responsibility for the fulfillment of MY needs onto another person is invasive, burdensome, and crappy.

Each of us is responsible for fulfilling and satisfying our own needs, and relationship involves volunteering to support someone in their growth. If you're demanding or expecting a person to support you or be responsible for your satisfaction, you're trying to suck something out of them, and why wouldn't they stay away from such vampirism?

Also, it's a lot more fun to hang out with people who notice that almost all of our "needs" are really "preferences."

[Jthorn]

Well yes, it's sort of a defense mechanism. We shy away from those who appear to wish to take something from us and we are attracted to those who will believe will give us something.
My argument is that everyone has actually a lot to give, even if that's not the vibe they 're broadcasting, for one reason or the other.
And while common, I think running away is rather an extreme approach to protect yourself. Like chopping off your injured hand instead of taking care of it. People can't take more from you than you allow them to. Cutting off contact completely in my opinion shows you don't take responsibility to set such limits.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jthorn

And while common, I think running away is rather an extreme approach to protect yourself. Like chopping off your injured hand instead of taking care of it. People can't take more from you than you allow them to. Cutting off contact completely in my opinion shows you don't take responsibility to set such limits.

Hmmm, maybe. And maybe sometimes it's the best people can do with the resources they have available. Doesn't really matter, from the perspective of the person who is being run away from. Their business is still their business, and yours is still yours.

[Yynatago]

Originally Posted by sokolata

Yynatago: Thanks Believe it or not, I already knew this far, I already follow these guidelines, but it's not enough

Your welcome. The next phase for me was noticing more of the subtle signs. I also went through a phase where I started looking way to deeply into the things, seeing problems that weren't there, but I kept sane by being aware that I was being negative and by being aware of the alternative positive forgiving thoughts.

Originally Posted by sokolata

Also, I know it's normal for some people to drift away. However, it's another thing to just lose interest and eventually stop contacting each other, and it's completely different to disappear out of the blue. I'm talking about situations where we contact each other once or twice per day (not just me, mind you, I do keep the balance), and suddenly they are nowhere to be found, and a few days later, when I eventually decide to call, they won't answer.

I actually consider this to be normal behaviour, albeit rude behaviour. Once I started picking up on the subtle signs, the change in behaviour wasn't so surprising. Part of the problem was me, in that I was forgiving to a fault, blinding me from the signs that they were drifting away. The other part of the problem is that many people don't have the integrity to give stronger indication while they are talking to you, relying on you figure it all out when they cut contact.

This all leads to the second half of your question on how to avoid continuously meeting people like that... There are ways, but the real trick is to let the ones you have met like that, go.

Regards,
Yynatago

[bluedragon]

I know that when people cut you off like that it's really hurtful. You are not alone. Many people I know have had this happen to them. I think it's one of the meanest thing to do to someone, but just keep in mind that - they don't think this way. Most likely, they didn't think about it at all - they just have so many friends and people in their life, and so much things going on for them, they don't bother with ending a relationship properly with just one person. Keeping things in perspective helps a lot. Don't let the get to you. Gotta' keep you head up!

[sokolata]

Wow, this conversation has become so lively! Thank you all for your support you're a really helpful community!

When I said I'll become rude next time, I said it in a joking way However, I'm still glad that it inspired even more conversation!

I was away during the past 2 days, on a programmed trip that had the perfect timing to cheer me up I even got to better understand his way of thinking. He's the kind of person who would often be ashamed of himself and easily be taken down by fear. However, this relationship developed so fast... He also told me several things that one would normally only tell their close friends. I think you're starting to get the picture - now may I drop a hint about some things that he made me promise not to tell anyone about?... Of course, when he was opening up to me (on his own free will - I didn't ask), I was supportive and tried to boost his self-confidence, but this isn't enough to prevent hidden feelings of guilt.

As for just running away from someone without an explanation, I think nobody deserves this, no matter what they've done. If not having their wrongdoings explained to them, or having your personal fears or worries exposed, they deserve at least an excuse. I've recently been to that end - I wanted to break free of a relationship that was making me suffocate, and besides, it was in a period of time where I was so busy that I was about to lose my head. I just excused myself for a few days, let the unrelated storm pass, and then I spoke calmly and sincerely. I even said that we didn't need to cut all contact, as long as the particular thing that bothered me went away, but that I'd respect any decision. Given the circumstances and the particular person's history, I'd be excused if I just suddenly disappeared, and it would have been easier.

Even if they have this vampire-like attitude that you spoke about, there are better ways to deal with it. Most people will respond positively when you properly set your limits, and they can even prove to be wonderful people who have a lot to give. Of course, setting your limits might not work, but still, that's better than letting them believe you are glad with the present situation and then disappearing out of the blue...

Still, I cannot demand everyone else to be perfect in order to excuse my wrongdoings. On the contrary - myself is the only part that I can directly influence, everything else will change through my own improvements. And sometimes, just sometimes, maybe I do deserve something better...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sokolata

As for just running away from someone without an explanation, I think nobody deserves this, no matter what they've done. If not having their wrongdoings explained to them, or having your personal fears or worries exposed, they deserve at least an excuse.

"Deserving" is one of those words, like shame or blame, that just has no meaning for me.

So what if you deserve to have someone give you at least an excuse? Your deserving is not going to compel or inspire that person to give you at least an excuse. And if you expect an explanation of wrongdoing, you are really up a creek, because unless they volunteer, you're not likely to extract what you want just because you "deserve" it! Whatever their explanation is, unless they volunteer an apology, I wouldn't expect them to admit to any "wrongdoing" if I were you. Chances are much better, I think, that they will consider that their actions were motivated by positive intention rather than wrongdoing.

You can hope that others change -- that they give you what you "deserve". Good luck with that. Or you can take on all the power in the world by allowing them the space of freedom to make their own choices, and to take on 100% responsibility for how your choices are creating your experience of reality, and your experience of your relationships. When you take 100% responsibility, you are are completely at cause in getting the results you want, regardless of the behavior of others.

You don't have to, of course. You can keep hoping you'll get what you deserve, if you choose to.

[sokolata]

Angela: that's exactly what I'm saying in my last paragraph on that same post. I cannot expect anyone else to treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, I can only have a positive behavior and see how they respond.

About the sentence that you quoted, I was mostly referring to the way I think I have to treat others. I've sometimes felt tempted to run away from someone. However, on second thought, I've almost always thought that it wasn't a good idea, that they deserved more than that. However, each person has a different personality, different motivations and circumstances.

[sokolata]

Update:
About this particular guy I had trouble with now:
Case closed, in the most optimistic way you could think of

I couldn't possibly think of a better way to definitely learn my lesson with no harm done at all!

[jaamkie]

I'm curious to hear what you learned.....

I feel I have the same problem, though not with dating/boyfriends, but with trying to have other non-romantic, non-family friends. I have a hard time figuring out how to go from casual friendly conversations at events (church, soccer, volunteering, drawing sessions, etc) to actually being "friends" that call/meet up one-on-one; and then how to keep friendships sustainable- I tend to have intense friendships (mostly with men) that fizzle out and leave me confused what happened and how to do things differently. I've never had a female "best friend", so I'm not sure how to visualize it or how to expect that sort of relationship to develop (particularly when most everyone I know has an irreplacable "best friend" from high school or college that seemed to develop naturally from time together- I don't live or work with many other women, so don't see how it translates). As an introvert and someone that probably misses most social cues, I don't know whether my interest in befriending someone is not clear or if it is too pushy, whether I'm being too shy and nonconfiding or too selfinvolved and boring, whether I'm trying too much to do stereotypical "female" things like shopping, or whether I'm not making enough of an effort to connect through fashion and men etc like most women seem to do.