Overcoming anxiety

[rawxstasy]

I've noticed that when I am attracted to a guy and I see that he is attracted to me, I start to avoid the person instead of giving them a chance to get to know me better. I think because when I am attracted to these guys I feel anxious, racing heart and nervousness. So in order to avoid feeling anxious I just avoid the guy. How do I overcome this?

[SimonaRich]

You do that because you ego is trying to protect you from possible embarassment.

To overcome this you should try to recognise you ego. This is my article about how to do that:

Egoic Mind

Then you can also try using some affirmations that you are very confident in meeting new people and you can visualise successfully meeting new people. This mental play will help you become stronger and more confident in real life situations.

Then what is left to do is to try responding to someone new trying to befriend you. You will notice that everything turned out to be great so your ego will get smaller because you will remove one limiting belief from your mind.

Hope that helps.

[AGBourne]

SimonaRich gave good tips, they do require long-term commitment.

To do something that will give you results right now try having a friend of your own go talk to the guy.
You can befriend a friend of the guy you like and do it that way.

So introduce a third party into the mix.

That eases the tension quiet a bit.

[rawxstasy]

Thanks so much for the help. I don't mind if it takes a long time. I've been working on improving myself for many years so it's just one more thing I need to do.

[The Cloud]

Your feelings don't dictate your actions. Your actions and choices are your own; your feelings just happen to exist at the same time and place. But just because you stop feeling anxiety when you avoid the guy doesn't mean that it was the anxiety that made you do the avoiding. Your feelings don't have any control over you, because you are the one that chooses your actions. While it seems that the anxiety is the cause of the avoidance, this is not actually true. You are the cause of the avoidance.

[EFT4Dating]

rawxstasy,

Have you heard of the emotional freedom technique (EFT)? It is wellness technique using your fingers to tap on pressure points througout your body. If you tap on these pts, your anxiety will reduce and hanging out with this guy friend will be more enjoyable.

See diagram to illustrate the pressure points,
Dating is easy! Attract the person of your Dreams with Emotional Freedom Technique!

Instructions
1) Ask yourself from emotional stress scale 0-10. 0 is no stress, 10 - max stress. What is your stress level
2) Tap on pressure points while saying the affirmation 'EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THIS ANXIETY, I ACCEPT MYSELF DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY' Tap several rounds
3) Check emotional stress scale again and see if it went down.
4) Write down your thoughts of what came up... If you posted it on the forum, I can try to help you as much as I can. Or, you can go to my website, www. eft4dating.com and post your questions too.

These are the basics. You can always go on youtube to find videos teaching you EFT.

Hope this helps...

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I've noticed that when I am attracted to a guy and I see that he is attracted to me, I start to avoid the person instead of giving them a chance to get to know me better. I think because when I am attracted to these guys I feel anxious, racing heart and nervousness. So in order to avoid feeling anxious I just avoid the guy. How do I overcome this?

Are you sure it's the anxiety that you are avoiding?


I see a common pattern that's similar to yours. Check and see if you agree with it:

You stay away from the guy because he seems to be attracted to you and you are to him, so you want him to be attracted. You are scare of blowing it by a failed approach, so you don't approach at all to preserve the status quo. You are so scared that you'll lose his attraction that you prefer to stay where you are in the relationship, while now, even if he barely knows you, he's attracted to you.

Sounds familiar?


If not, (or if yes, too) I recommend an NLP pattern for any kind of anxiety. Nothing knocks them off like NLP.

Ralph

[estudiant9]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I've noticed that when I am attracted to a guy and I see that he is attracted to me, I start to avoid the person instead of giving them a chance to get to know me better. I think because when I am attracted to these guys I feel anxious, racing heart and nervousness. So in order to avoid feeling anxious I just avoid the guy. How do I overcome this?

rawxstasy, I'm a guy who has the exact same problem as you, so know that you're not alone in this. I'm generally a very nice, polite, relatively easygoing and humorous guy, but all it takes for me to turn into a cold, aloof, seemingly oblivious SOB is for you to like me and vice versa. I'll avoid making eye contact with you, not smile at you, and pretend like I don't even know you're in my proximity. I've beaten myself up so many times over this because I'm a 23-year-old virgin with no serious dating experience (Kissed one girl). And if I may say so I'm considered very physically attractive.

Ralph said:

You stay away from the guy because he seems to be attracted to you and you are to him, so you want him to be attracted. You are scare of blowing it by a failed approach, so you don't approach at all to preserve the status quo. You are so scared that you'll lose his attraction that you prefer to stay where you are in the relationship, while now, even if he barely knows you, he's attracted to you.

Ralph, my eyes nearly popped out because you hit it so right on the head. The short term pleasure of maintaining that feeling of being wanted outweighs the long term benefit of actually getting on with the girl because I 'may' be rejected, be exposed to be a boring and worthless person, etc. What exactly do you recommend that we do in the way of NLP? I've heard about so many variations of it but have no idea how to actually do it. Help please?

[magi13]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I've noticed that when I am attracted to a guy and I see that he is attracted to me, I start to avoid the person instead of giving them a chance to get to know me better. I think because when I am attracted to these guys I feel anxious, racing heart and nervousness. So in order to avoid feeling anxious I just avoid the guy. How do I overcome this?

I have a visualization technique that may help you overcome this.

1. Relax all your muscles from the feet to your head.
2. Concentrate on listening to your breathing, make sure it's even.
3. Think of a visual image or a place which gives you positive thoughts

The above give you a sense of calmness and relaxation, we'll superimpose these to your anxious state.

1. whenever you feel anxious, ex, meeting a cute guy. Imagine meeting him with someone who gives you confidence, or a place that give you confidence and relaxation. in effect we have neutralized your anxiety. ^^.

Good luck.

[Ralph]

Interesting idea magi, I like the simplicity. I wonder if it works


The most common NLP pattern that comes to my mind for this situation goes like that:


Imagine interacting with the person that creates anxiety.

Find in which place in your body does that feeling arise?

Imagine this feeling has a colour. If it had a colour, which one would it be? (it's different for everyone so just follow your intuition.)

Focus this feeling into a ball of your colour. Imagine it getting darker and smaller. Finally, take this ball with your hand and throw it far away. Let it dissipate in the vastness of the universe.

Think about something that gives you the feeling of confidence, certainty and security.

Find in which place in your body does that feeling arise? What colour does it have?

Focus that feeling. Imagine it getting bigger and brighter, finally overflowing every part of your body with bright, colourful light.


I'm not a certified NLP trainer yet, but I believe I got it right and it'll work for both of you Have fun with it.

Ralph

[QuantumJules]

As a certified NLP Practitioner, I am bound to say that NLP can help in these situations, and there are a number of techniques that could be used to change your perception of the anxiety you feel.

I would be more interested in how you do the anxiety as opposed to why you have these feelings. Once you have an understanding of the process you go through to feel anxious, you can start to develop a better strategy.

Also of interest, is what you get out of feeling this way. This sounds like a rhetorical question, but many people will get some kind of secondary gain from their problem. For example, a smoker might say that having a cigarette allows them to take a break from work once in a while or gives them a few minutes to relax and chat to friends. So can you guys think of any secondary gains from your experiences?

I am more than happy to discuss specific interventions for confidence boosting or speed seduction if anyone has an interest.

[edith]

Originally Posted by QuantumJules

I would be more interested in how you do the anxiety as opposed to why you have these feelings. Once you have an understanding of the process you go through to feel anxious, you can start to develop a better strategy.

I just read a book on using mindfulness to deal with depression, and it said a similar thing. Recognize the physical symptom, deal with that - separate it from the emotion. It's been a very helpful strategy for me.

Also of interest, is what you get out of feeling this way. This sounds like a rhetorical question, but many people will get some kind of secondary gain from their problem.

This is such a great question. I think the answer helps a person to really tease out why they keep repeating patterns of negative thought. I was down and out one time, and my bro-in-law asked me what I was getting out of feeling that way. It helped me step outside the morass I was in and see it for what it what it really was.

It's been a great question I've used for a long time, but the other day I found that it's also helpful to use when thinking of if in terms of manifestation. If I have a conflict with someone, I may at first see all the reasons why it's their fault but if I ask myself what gain I am getting from it being their fault, I see how I could be manifesting their obnoxiousness - to satisfy something I want.

As far as anxiety about meeting someone goes, you might ask yourself if you're jumping too far in the future with the person (in your imagination). You may be attaching too much to your ideas about him, grasping too much. He's just a guy and you don't know him well (yet) and it could be that you might not want to be around him after you get to know him a little bit. Focus on the now. Now he is a person you don't know. The next Now is introduction. The Now after that is...whatever. You don't know because it hasn't happened yet!

[rawxstasy]

All these replies are very helpful!!

Estudiant9 - I do the exact same thing as YOU!! Some hot guy will be giving me a big smile and I just stare back with a blank look on my face and I feel like I'm frozen. I am very good looking to and I still have this problem.


How I feel anxious? I will notice a guy is interested and if I am attracted to him, I will start thinking "Oh my God, I can't believe he is interested." "I hope I don't do something to turn him off." that's pretty much what I think.


Secondary gain - I think I am too afraid of letting someone get closer to me because I think I am going to do or say something that will turn the person off and reject me. So I don't even give them a chance. I am protecting myself.

[edith]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

if I am attracted to him, I will start thinking "Oh my God, I can't believe he is interested." "I hope I don't do something to turn him off." that's pretty much what I think.

So you are living in the future, jumping ahead, just not in the way I imagined! Maybe remind yourself that there are a LOT of attractive men out there, he's not the only one, and you don't need to settle on one anyhow! You're just getting to know people. It's pretty much that way throughout life - even when you marry someone, you're getting to know them all the time...

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

"I hope I don't do something to turn him off." that's pretty much what I think.

What is it that makes you obey to that thought?

[EFT4Dating]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

All these replies are very helpful!!

Estudiant9 - I do the exact same thing as YOU!! Some hot guy will be giving me a big smile and I just stare back with a blank look on my face and I feel like I'm frozen. I am very good looking to and I still have this problem.


How I feel anxious? I will notice a guy is interested and if I am attracted to him, I will start thinking "Oh my God, I can't believe he is interested." "I hope I don't do something to turn him off." that's pretty much what I think.


Secondary gain - I think I am too afraid of letting someone get closer to me because I think I am going to do or say something that will turn the person off and reject me. So I don't even give them a chance. I am protecting myself.

rawstasy,

I have been certified in NLP for many years. It is a powerful system but requires some time to learn. Reading a NLP book does not necessary teach you the skills. It requires some training and some practice to learn the skills.

I recommend you start with the Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT can provide immediate stress relief and does not require too much time to learn. It was developed by Gary Craig, a NLP Master Practitioner. Refer to my earlier post for basic EFT instructions and also go on youtube for video instructions.

When you are tapping the EFT sequence, saying the following affirmation:

Step 1 - Say affirmation when tapping
EVEN THOUGH some hot guy gave giving me a big smile and I just stare back with a blank look on my face and I feel frozen, I ACCEPT MYSELF DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY. (Tap several rounds and check stress level)

Step 2 - Say affirmation when tapping
When a hot guy gives me a big smile, I CHOOSE TO LOOK AT HIM AND FEEL FREE TO SMILE BACK. I CHOOSE TO SMILE BACK TO POSSIBLY INVITE HIM FOR A BRIEF CONVERSATION TO GET TO KNOW HIM. (Tap several rounds and see if doing this behavior is possible now)

Step 3 - Say affirmation when tapping
EVEN THOUGH I notice a guy is interested and if I am attracted to him, I start to think "Oh my God, I can't believe he is interested" and "I hope I don't do something to turn him off" and EVEN THOUGH I AM MAKING THESE THOUGHTS, I ACCEPT MYSELF DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY. (Tap several rounds and check stress level)

Step 4 - Say affirmation when tapping
EVEN THOUGH IN PAST I HAVE THOUGHTS LIKE ... "Oh my God, I can't believe he is interested" and "I hope I don't do something to turn him off", I CHOOSE TO SAY TO MYSELF .... COOL, FUN, A CUTE GUY IS INTERESTED IN ME AND HE WANTS TO MEET ME AND I CHOOSE TO ENJOY THIS MUTUAL MEETING PROCESS. I CHOOSE TO HAVE A PERCEPTION AND UNDERSTANDING THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I GUY IS INTERESTED, HE MAY BE JUST AS SHY ABOUT MEETING AND APPROACHING ME. I CHOOSE TO SMILE AT HIM AND INVITE HIM FOR A FRIENDLY CONVERSATION. (Tap several rounds, see yourself doing this and see if this is possible)

Step 5 - Say affirmation when tapping
EVEN THOUGH I am very good looking to and I still have this problem, I ACCEPT MYSELF DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY. (Tap several rounds and check stress level)

Step 6 - Say affirmation when tapping
EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THESE THOUGHTS that I'm good looking and still have this problem, I CHOOSE TO ACCEPT MYSELF DEEPLY, I CHOOSE TO VIEW MYSELF DIFFERENTLY MOVING FORWARD, I CHOOSE TO SEE MYSELF AS SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS MEETING PEOPLE AND ESPECIALLY GUYS I AM INTERESTED AND AT LEAST HAVE A CONVERSATION TO SEE IF HE HAS MORE THAN JUST HIS LOOKS AND SEE IF HIS INNER BEAUTY MATCHES HIS OUTER LOOKS. (Tap several rounds, see yourself doing this and see if this is possible)

Step 7 - Say affirmation when tapping
EVEN THOUGH, I am too afraid of letting someone get closer to me because I think I am going to do or say something that will turn the person off and reject me. So I don't even give them a chance. I am protecting myself, I ACCEPT MYSELF DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY (Tap several rounds and check stress level)

Step 8 - Say affirmation along with tapping
EVEN THOUGH I HAVE SAID THE FOLLOWING... I am too afraid of letting someone get closer to me because I think I am going to do or say something that will turn the person off and reject me. So I don't even give them a chance. I am protecting myself, I CHOOSE TO ALLOW MYSELF TO AT LEAST HAVE A CONVERSATION TO QUALIFY AND SEE IF THIS GUY EVEN MEETS MY IDEALS. I CHOOSE TO SEE DATING AS A FUN PROCESS TO SORT GUYS OUT. CHOOSE TO UNDERSTAND SOME GUYS FIT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR AND SOME DOES NOT. CHOOSE TO AT LEAST GIVE MYSELF A CHANCE AND BY GIVING MYSELF A CHANCE, I GIVE THE POTENTIAL GUY A CHANCE. (Tap and see if doing this is possible now)

What setting are these guys in? Are these college guys you are referring to?

Anyways, after you tap, write down your thoughts and questions on this forum and I can try to assist you further. I am a Wellness Coach specializing in relationships and dating.
Dating is easy! Attract the person of your Dreams with Emotional Freedom Technique!
www. eft4dating.com

[rawxstasy]

What setting are these guys in? Are these college guys you are referring to

I wish. I just turned 44. But I can pass for much younger. the settings are -the most recent one was at the hospital. I was having nursing clinicals and the male nurse that I was following really liked me. But I didn't give him a chance. Then other times are when I'm at the store, guys try to approach me but I get scared. Then I start eating to put on weight - which is another battle I"m having.

I have been doing EFT but I didn't realize I should go through so many situations in the EFT. I will try your examples.

Thanks so much!!

[edith]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

What setting are these guys in? Are these college guys you are referring to

I wish. I just turned 44.

Oh, shoot, you're a youngster. I can't even remember 44!

In another year or so, you'll realize that you cannot worry about this stuff anymore ; there's just not enough time in life to worry about what other people think (sorry to point out the hard truths of aging). At this point, I'll bet, you've fallen down and gotten up enough to know you'll get up again. And that sometimes, just sometimes, things go right. It should make you smile and laugh ("we laugh at the truth"). You know this stuff! Don't you....! He (whoever he is) is just a guy! You have YOU!

[QuantumJules]

I checked your Myspace page and I agree, you could definitely pass for 10 years younger than your age.

Some people, Rawxstasy, will find that when they return a smile to an attractive person, it is actually quite difficult for that person not to respond in a positive way and open a dialogue.

You may find that you are easily and naturally able to adopt the attitude that one might be able to treat the encounter like an interview where you begin to have fun finding out if the person is a good match for you.

It's good fun to try new ways to explore your social encounters, isn't it?

Eventually, you will find the courage to make the first move and you will be amazed at how quickly you have already learned to be supremely confident in these situations.

[roxyruby]

hello! I have experienced social anxiety disorder and I made a myspace page full of tips! well quotes and tips that have really helped me and others
Don't worry its free everything is just written on the page however I do appreciate a donation

MySpace.com - Be Confident & yourself - 99 - Female - AU - www.myspace.com/overcomesocialanxiety

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by SimonaRich

You do that because you ego is trying to protect you from possible embarassment.

To overcome this you should try to recognise you ego. This is my article about how to do that:

Egoic Mind

Then you can also try using some affirmations that you are very confident in meeting new people and you can visualise successfully meeting new people. This mental play will help you become stronger and more confident in real life situations.

Then what is left to do is to try responding to someone new trying to befriend you. You will notice that everything turned out to be great so your ego will get smaller because you will remove one limiting belief from your mind.

Hope that helps.

Thanks for this post, even though it wasn't directed at me! I too have the same problem with my ego trying to protect me from possible embarassment at times.