How do you deal with a gf that creates drama?

[Billiardsguy2006]

Hi all,

I'm 23 and have a gf that is the same age as me. I don't know if she likes to play games but she can be quiet cruel at times. For instance, if she is angry(for any real or imaginary reason), she will ignore my calls or hang up when I call her. A strange thing happened yesterday-in the afternoon when I first called her, she was really happy. Then, when I called her later in the evening, she hung up the phone. How disrespectful? How do you deal with that? Any PUA stratagies? ANyone had a similiar experience?

Thanks.

[magi13]

My advice is that you confront her about the issue. Have a long open talk. Tell her how you feel about the way she's treating you and offer the option that you'd like her opinion. To make her understand, tell her to put herself in your shoes and ask her how she feels. That way you'll understand her point of view when she explains to you her reactions, and she'll understand your own point of view.

Good luck, ^^

[cylon]

Stop calling her for a couple days, she'll freak out.

[Mr_A]

Billiard
im gonna need more details about the situation to give you any advise
Tell me why you think she hung up and tell me her reason why she hung up
Then we can talk

[Alexjstrandberg]

Don't just ignore the bad behavior by ignoring her calls, she will just continue to act aloof. If your dog pisses on the carpet and you ignore it the problem won't just go away on it's on.

Next time you talk to her bring the issue up. Let her know that if she continues this bad behavior that she won't be dating you anymore. Don't make an ideal threat because she will see right through it. That type of continuous disrespectful behavior is grounds for breaking up.

Tell her that taking her issues out on you is not acceptable-you aren't her punching bag. Tell her that if she wants help that you are willing to help her but you won't tolerate her disrespect.

Ask her straight up if she truly wants to be in this relationship. If she says yes then she needs to change. If she says no then you know where the relationship stands.

After she agrees your situation will become easier or non-existent (breaking up). The second she starts up with the attitude you can stop her and say "You said you were going to knock it off, didn't you? Were you lying to me because I don't date liars" If she keeps going then get rid of her.

If she decides to stop then she needs to apologize for showing you disrespect (the same as you should apologize if you acted like a jacka*s).

For future reference, if someone hangs up on you DON'T call them back. They need to call you back with an apology. If she calls to argue you some more, tell her she needs to apologize and call you when she's ready to do that.

It's a choice to be in a relationship with her and the same with you. Doing the above is giving her another opportunity to realize what she has been doing. If she doesn't realize it you just saved yourself a ton of headaches.

[AGBourne]

I had a g/f like that.

I've tried to ignore.
I've tried talking to her
I've tried reasoning
I've tried to solve her issues and problems

What I came to realize that it was her problems, her insecurities and her way of dealing with whatever she was going through.

I ended up leaving her.

Only advice I can give you is don't ingore it. Tell her straight up what you think about her behavior.

Don't talk to her. Tell her. It is beyound talking now.

If she doesn't stop.

Break up.

[magi13]

A friendly reminder, thread starter, before you choose any of our advice, think responsibly, relative to the nature and circumstance of your situation. Because only you are responsible for yourself.

This is the usual disclaimer I post on advice threads. It works both ways, to ensure your liability to your decisions.

No regrets.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Don't just ignore the bad behavior by ignoring her calls, she will just continue to act aloof.

She'll only act aloof if she's disinterested. If she's disinterested, then it would be logical that she would avoid him. Giving her lectures and putting her in her place at that point would be a waste of time.

[Susanna77]

I must admit that I used to behave like that
Everything my husband (I got married at 22) did that I thought was not acceptable (minor things and many imagined) would become a "how dare he do or act like this if he loves me?". I can't even explain the reasoning behind it all now because I can't even see the world from my own eyes if I look back.

My husband's theory is that I was acting like a spoiled brat and for lack of a better theory he's probably right.

Hopefully your girlfriend will grow out of it and mature.

[RT Wolf]

Wow, a lot of advice from guys in this thread. Despite being a guy, I disagree with a lot of it. Guys tend to think with their heads and women with their hearts, for a gross overgeneralization.

I dunno the girl in particular, but you might have better luck talking to her about your feelings. Tell her how you feel when she does this. You may feel irritated or annoyed and you may tell her you question whether the relationship is right. If things are going well, she should be able to listen without getting defensive. Keep this part short.

Then ask her how she feels when she does this. What does she think when she does this? Two seperate questions: feeling and thinking. Why does she do this? Susanna has one theory of why she may do this: she thinks of everything as a question of whether you really care about her. Try to figure out why she does this, maybe it's what Susanna said. Be compassionate and considerate. Work with her to figure this out until you do. Be careful, though, listen carefully. A good rule of thumb is to keep your mouth shut, especially if you're about to give advice, recommendations or suggestions. Let her talk the thing out and just ask guiding or leading qeustions.

If this conversation doesn't go well, then you can figure out what else to do.

The above suggestion is backed by a solid two year relationship I'm in right now. Whether you implement it depends on whether you're interested in building a long term relatoinship with her. Cause this stuff is hard is hell, so you prolly wanna know it's worth it.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Susanna77

My husband's theory is that I was acting like a spoiled brat and for lack of a better theory he's probably right.

Hopefully your girlfriend will grow out of it and mature.

Nice to have a woman's honest perspective. Of course 23 is pretty young, guys can act that way too at that age. It appears from your post he didn't have this long talk about how it made him feel, yet you stayed with him anyway. Did you change your response to him from him telling you what to do, or did you just do it on your own over time?

[AGBourne]

Originally Posted by Susanna77

Hopefully your girlfriend will grow out of it and mature.

Hopefully he won't waste time to hope and wait for that and moves on.

[funchy]

Let me play devils advocate for a moment, since the girlfriend isn't here to give her side of things. She says she is angry about something you did. You don't seem to acknowledge you did anything wrong (and call it imaginary). Perhaps she could be justified in losing her temper if you really are doing something wrong? And if she gets more annoyed and tells you she is, and you still don't understand, perhaps her hanging up is the only thing keeping her from cussing you out.

Can you elaborate a bit more on the situations? Maybe the problem is more a lack of communication/understanding ?

[Plato]

*I* would let her catch other girls hitting on me. Then when she gets all jealous and angry (a.k.a TURNED ON) call her out for not trusting you.

[ketch18]

i also had a girlfriend before just like your girlfriend..she is very moody..today shes ahppy and nxt thing you know shes like being possessed..that time i love her soo much and i tried to understand her even its really difficult for me..i waited for the time that she will change into some thing better..but she doesnt..
i grew up tired of this and i call it qiuts!

[bluedragon]

I had a girlfriend like that too. The reason she didn't answer the phone was always a problem she had in her own life - nothing to do with me. But I was extremely worried for her, cause I always thought something happened to her. It was the most awful feeling of dread and restlessness, I couldn't do anything until she answered me. Even if I had to wait around the phone the whole day. I am sorry I didn't break up with her for it, even though we were together for 3 months and we had a great time, and even though she is, even now, after 3 years, one of my best friends and we can talk about anything. What we have is great and unique! - but it's still not worth those terrible feelings of waiting around the phone I experienced then.
Those feelings have to be avoided at all cost. "Never allow someone to be your priority, while you allow yourself to be their option." It is very hurtful in the long run. For example, since then, whenever I called a a girl didn't answer her phone, I always began to experience those same feelings, thinking she doesn't want to talk to me again or something. Some of the girls I've been with aren't even the kind of person to cut someone off like that. They would always tell someone before breaking up. But I still couldn't help thinking about that, even though I'm getting really good at keeping my cool. I've made great progress in all areas, otherwise who knows what would have been. Take care. Confront her, or try not to attach yourself emotionally to her. Tell her that you can't invest emotionally in someone who has the habit of playing with your emotions. (or should I say f***ing with your emotions?)

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by Billiardsguy2006

Hi all,

I'm 23 and have a gf that is the same age as me. I don't know if she likes to play games but she can be quiet cruel at times. For instance, if she is angry(for any real or imaginary reason), she will ignore my calls or hang up when I call her. A strange thing happened yesterday-in the afternoon when I first called her, she was really happy. Then, when I called her later in the evening, she hung up the phone. How disrespectful? How do you deal with that? Any PUA stratagies? ANyone had a similiar experience?

Thanks.

She's definitely crying for more attention. She doesn't feel significant enough. This has nothing to do with how you treat her though. It's all about her, not feeling you pay her enough attention. She probably feels insecure and has some issues with accepting your love.

I suggest you ask her (when she's in a mood for it) what would it take for her to feel safe, loved and significant with you. The answer can be surprising.

[ShiningLight]

Listen to Alexjstrandberg. He is correct.