The lesson in cutting my hair

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by ns123

I do the best I can, every day, tiny step by the tiny step. I don't know if I'm superwoman, and I don't care any more. I just know that I do the best I can, to be my best self, and that has brought me more peace and well being than I've ever had before.

Thats awesome ns123. Peace and well being ! Awesome.

[Honeywith4bees]

If I could really be Superwoman, then I would feel just the way I feel right now, on top of my game, valued here at work, loved by my kids , loved and counted on by my bf, I'd feel like I was a critical force in the life of other people.

What I wouldn't feel is a different story.

I wouldn't suddenly crash and feel like disappearing from the face of the earth. I wouldn't feel inconsequential and worthless.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I wouldn't suddenly crash and feel like disappearing from the face of the earth. I wouldn't feel inconsequential and worthless.

Great! That's what you wouldn't feel. What WOULD you feel?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

The thing that maybe I haven't conveyed too clearly, is that my actions are not my problem, its my thoughts that cause me the misery. And I do try to control myself with my thoughts but in a very, negative way. Why would someone do that too themselves? I don't understand why if I had control, would I keep acting out of fear?

Your thoughts are your actions. Your fear and misery is your action. You create your problems. It doesn't matter why you've chosen to suffer; blaming it on a reason won't do you any good, anyways. You can't control yourself through reason, because reason does not control action. A reason can't stop creating problems and suffering. Only you can create those things, and only you can stop.

Reasons are just more little gremlins for you to hand over responsibility to so you can pretend to try to take it back. Those reasons don't really exist; at best they are crude approximations of reality. But they aren't real, and they don't make you afraid and miserable. You do that. Your questions are just you stalling, because no matter how many times you ask why you'll never get an answer that will do your work for you. You're the only one that has the power to do what is necessary. You're afraid because you are afraid, and if you stop being afraid then you will no longer be afraid. Cause-effect based on reasons can't help you in this situation, because you aren't a cause or an effect.

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I am very afraid, afraid of "shining too brightly". I'm afraid that I'll make a fool out of myself. And also, right now, in my "real life", people always, always comment on how "with it" i am, how I've got it all together. I guess I'm afraid to let people in on how shaky it is inside my head because they are all so convinced that I am some kind of superwoman.

I hate to break it to you, but you're a fool and a superdud waiting to happen, and you always will be. With all your potential, do you think you can rid yourself of the possibility of failure? Instead, embrace failure. You are scum waiting to happen, and nobody can stop you from destroying yourself if you don't let them. You have the power to fail. It's natural to be afraid of your power, but you don't have to be. People can hate you, and you can take power from that hate if you decide to, without becoming hate yourself. So what if people despise you? You can love them for it. What greater power is there than to love and take strength from that which hates you? Any superhero would give up their cape for that power.

I know that it sounds very negative, but knowing that failure is one of your unstoppable abilities is actually a positive realization. Look at what you are doing to yourself right now. That is the power you wield, the power that is you. Negative is just positive looked at upside down. It's all power and possibility, though. Denial of negativity is denial of positivity in disguise, and denial of either leads to denial of reality.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

You are scum waiting to happen

Ha! I LOVE this! *I am scum waiting to happen!*

Awesome.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

Great! That's what you wouldn't feel. What WOULD you feel?

I'd feel attractive!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Ha! I LOVE this! *I am scum waiting to happen!*

Awesome.

Hmmmm . . .

See, this just doesn't work for me. I get the point behind the message, I think, which is that we are just as much scum as we are fabulousness in that we are neither one nor the other, we just are . . . but the delivery of the message brings me right back to being a kid and my brother bullying me because I was "too nice" and would get stomped on if he didn't personally toughen me up by stompin on me first!

[Angela]

Yeah, the Judgement approach doesn't work for me, either. I'm totally on board with the assumption in life that there is no failure, only feedback. I get what The Cloud is saying about giving yourself permission to fail, and I would just adjust it for myself by giving myself and others gratitude for feedback, whether the message is to stay on current course or to make an adjustment. You can allow YOURSELF to let go of the judgment in this case -- that is, the judgement that either (current course OR make adjustment) is good/bad/true/false -- and simply take on what works in living a life you love.

And now that you mention it, Honey, isn't it interesting that your button gets pushed by feeling bullied? ("Be BETTER!") Can you start to see that your attempts to avoid what you don't want actually vividly CREATE exactly what you don't want, for yourself and for others? That was a brilliant gift The Cloud just gave you (and, I suspect, Caren for participating in/supporting it), don't you think?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Hmmmm . . .

See, this just doesn't work for me. I get the point behind the message, I think, which is that we are just as much scum as we are fabulousness in that we are neither one nor the other, we just are . . . but the delivery of the message brings me right back to being a kid and my brother bullying me because I was "too nice" and would get stomped on if he didn't personally toughen me up by stompin on me first!

Why can't you let yourself love him for bullying you? You know you want to. Besides, maybe he was right and you are too nice. Being a nice person on the inside obviously hasn't brought you happiness; what greater indication do you need that you're wrong? You've been given permission to be a jerk. Maybe that's what you are; a huge jerk that's afraid of herself.

Originally Posted by Angela

I get what The Cloud is saying about giving yourself permission to fail, and I would just adjust it for myself by giving myself and others gratitude for feedback, whether the message is to stay on current course or to make an adjustment.

What else could one be but grateful for being reminded that they are wrong, if one has accepted that they are? I don't see what adjustment you're making.