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Ronnock · 02-25-2009, 07:38 PM

Steve once wrote a blog about how being direct can usually (more often than not) initiate an intimate relationship better than bouncing around and playing mind games with people. But while I have experienced that directness does usually lead to this (from my perspective), I've noticed others who usually become friends first then try to make it work, or they're friends, and one doesn't feel the same way about the other, and one of them blows the lid and spills their true emotions about the other person. This has ended up in a broken friendship because one's feelings are too strong and the other just wants to be friends.

I have a question about this "directness." Do you suggest this attitude of being direct when you've already befriended the person? I've been told that it's not necessarily the best idea (and I have known others to make this mistake) to be forward about your feelings, because it could ruin the friendship.

Do y'all believe that it was just the immaturity or that particular couple of people that couldn't remain good friends because one had admitted their feelings about the other, or is it a bad idea to tell a person whom is already a friend that you want to be something more?

Thank you.

TonyToneTone · 02-25-2009, 09:46 PM

Yes, go the direct route ALWAYS.

Be true to yourself and the other person. If you like her, tell her.

Quote:

Do you suggest this attitude of being direct when you've already befriended the person?

Yes, just do it in a calm way. Don't get drunk and call her in the middle of the night professing your love. Instead, go out for some drinks, build up some attraction and see what happens. Or, if you have Steve's book, he has a great script for telling your friend you want to be more then friends.

gingerbaker · 02-25-2009, 10:49 PM

Directness is best, I find. Not put in an absurd, freak-out-your-friend way of course: there is a big difference between saying "Hey, just so you know, I think you're really hot, and if you ever wanted to persue a relationship with me, I'd be totally down. Or we can just be friends.

" and "I have to be honest with you, I dream about having your children and my mother would love you." One is honest but light and leaves things easy-going, and the other is scary. Hopefully the difference is clear LOL!

My take would be (and has been, for friendships and more), if the person cannot handle my being honest, then I really don't want to have a close relationship with them, you know?

Ronnock · 02-25-2009, 10:51 PM

Thank you for your post.

So do you also recommend doing it in person and not via e-mail...or even facebook. I realize that facebook or e-mail may seem impersonal, but it's a very standard way of communication nowadays and writing something can help you organize your thoughts better so nothing gets lost in translation.

Or do any of y'all not recommend those routes?

magi13 · 02-25-2009, 11:10 PM

^^, the direct approach saves you time. it's the practical way at the same time romantic.

my girl and i have been friends for over 10 years and dated for 3 years. i wasted 10 years, if only i told her that ten years ago then it would have been us for 13 years.

how? she had the hots for me since then. Time wasted

be direct, don't waste time.

Ronnock · 02-25-2009, 11:25 PM

So do any of you not believe that it's not "rushing" things or, moving too quickly? I suppose I'll try it soon to find out, I mean...if I get rejected, hopefully we can still be friends and if not, unfortunate, but I don't have control over that. There are a lot of people in college, heheh.

gingerbaker · 02-25-2009, 11:28 PM

Upon further reflection, I would like to propose a Thread Title Change: "Directness is Hot"

Brutha · 02-25-2009, 11:48 PM

Quote:

So do you also recommend doing it in person and not via e-mail...or even facebook. I realize that facebook or e-mail may seem impersonal, but it's a very standard way of communication nowadays and writing something can help you organize your thoughts better so nothing gets lost in translation.

If you do something in person there's nothing that stops you from writing it down before to organize your thoughts.
Without all sort of non verbal parts of communication it's easier to get misunderstood when you write something to someone online.

Ronnock · 02-26-2009, 12:08 AM

Brutha, true--true. I do agree, I was just wondering if anyone had an opinion on it. Thank you very much.

Hahah, thanks for the advice on the title change Gingembre. =). I like to think so myself, but some...don't always think the same way.

XDDD · 02-26-2009, 12:21 AM

I also think a direct approach is the best answer (a right direct approach... no drunken calls). You can't let fear (of rejection, of losing a friend) rule your life.

That being said, I really think that before you say/do anything you should give some consideration to the question "what kind of relationship do I want to have with this person?".

I've been in the place of this befriended person. I became friends with this guy who developed feelings for me. After some time, he told me. I had a boyfriend, so he was just letting me know to clear the air and be able to move on. And he said he wanted to remain friends.
I was really glad to be able to remain friends with him because he was a really great guy and I really enjoyed his company. But (unknown to me) his feelings kept developing and it ended up with him needing to put some distance between us, which I understood, but it still hurt because it just showed me that he had never been my friend to begin with -not really.

Why am I saying this? Because in the (hopefully very unlikely) case that you are rejected you will have to make the decision of whether or not you want to remain friends with this person. And if you can see yourself being just friends, really just friends with this person, then do it. But if you can't, or if you aren't sure, be cautious about it because, although you may not see it at the time, it can end up hurting both of you.

Also, depending on the extent of your feelings for this person, in the (hopefully very likely) case she/he reprocicates, you may want to allow her/him some time to catch up with them. Wait to make any big declarations until you know for sure it's not going to freak her/him out!

Finally, all that's left to say is "good luck!".

Eric Roosevelt · 02-26-2009, 01:14 PM

In my experience directness is uncomfortable in the short-term, yet beneficial in the long-term. Most people are a little taken aback when someone opens themselves up to them. On the other hand, that initial shock will eventually subside because they now know that relationship is free from energy-consuming mind-games. Go with directness.

However, think twice before sharing your innermost thoughts. Only say what you think needs to be said.

02-25-2009, 07:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ronnock Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 54	Directness or Not. Steve once wrote a blog about how being direct can usually (more often than not) initiate an intimate relationship better than bouncing around and playing mind games with people. But while I have experienced that directness does usually lead to this (from my perspective), I've noticed others who usually become friends first then try to make it work, or they're friends, and one doesn't feel the same way about the other, and one of them blows the lid and spills their true emotions about the other person. This has ended up in a broken friendship because one's feelings are too strong and the other just wants to be friends. I have a question about this "directness." Do you suggest this attitude of being direct when you've already befriended the person? I've been told that it's not necessarily the best idea (and I have known others to make this mistake) to be forward about your feelings, because it could ruin the friendship. Do y'all believe that it was just the immaturity or that particular couple of people that couldn't remain good friends because one had admitted their feelings about the other, or is it a bad idea to tell a person whom is already a friend that you want to be something more? Thank you.

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02-25-2009, 10:49 PM	#3 (permalink)
gingerbaker Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: NYC Posts: 384	Directness is best, I find. Not put in an absurd, freak-out-your-friend way of course: there is a big difference between saying "Hey, just so you know, I think you're really hot, and if you ever wanted to persue a relationship with me, I'd be totally down. Or we can just be friends. " and "I have to be honest with you, I dream about having your children and my mother would love you." One is honest but light and leaves things easy-going, and the other is scary. Hopefully the difference is clear LOL! My take would be (and has been, for friendships and more), if the person cannot handle my being honest, then I really don't want to have a close relationship with them, you know?

02-25-2009, 10:51 PM	#4 (permalink)
Ronnock Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 54	Thank you for your post. So do you also recommend doing it in person and not via e-mail...or even facebook. I realize that facebook or e-mail may seem impersonal, but it's a very standard way of communication nowadays and writing something can help you organize your thoughts better so nothing gets lost in translation. Or do any of y'all not recommend those routes?

02-25-2009, 11:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
magi13 Family Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Philippines Posts: 1,421	^^, the direct approach saves you time. it's the practical way at the same time romantic. my girl and i have been friends for over 10 years and dated for 3 years. i wasted 10 years, if only i told her that ten years ago then it would have been us for 13 years. how? she had the hots for me since then. Time wasted be direct, don't waste time.

02-25-2009, 11:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
Ronnock Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 54	So do any of you not believe that it's not "rushing" things or, moving too quickly? I suppose I'll try it soon to find out, I mean...if I get rejected, hopefully we can still be friends and if not, unfortunate, but I don't have control over that. There are a lot of people in college, heheh.

02-25-2009, 11:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
gingerbaker Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: NYC Posts: 384	Upon further reflection, I would like to propose a Thread Title Change: "Directness is Hot"

02-26-2009, 12:08 AM	#9 (permalink)
Ronnock Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 54	Brutha, true--true. I do agree, I was just wondering if anyone had an opinion on it. Thank you very much. Hahah, thanks for the advice on the title change Gingembre. =). I like to think so myself, but some...don't always think the same way.

02-26-2009, 12:21 AM	#10 (permalink)
XDDD Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6	I also think a direct approach is the best answer (a right direct approach... no drunken calls). You can't let fear (of rejection, of losing a friend) rule your life. That being said, I really think that before you say/do anything you should give some consideration to the question "what kind of relationship do I want to have with this person?". I've been in the place of this befriended person. I became friends with this guy who developed feelings for me. After some time, he told me. I had a boyfriend, so he was just letting me know to clear the air and be able to move on. And he said he wanted to remain friends. I was really glad to be able to remain friends with him because he was a really great guy and I really enjoyed his company. But (unknown to me) his feelings kept developing and it ended up with him needing to put some distance between us, which I understood, but it still hurt because it just showed me that he had never been my friend to begin with -not really. Why am I saying this? Because in the (hopefully very unlikely) case that you are rejected you will have to make the decision of whether or not you want to remain friends with this person. And if you can see yourself being just friends, really just friends with this person, then do it. But if you can't, or if you aren't sure, be cautious about it because, although you may not see it at the time, it can end up hurting both of you. Also, depending on the extent of your feelings for this person, in the (hopefully very likely) case she/he reprocicates, you may want to allow her/him some time to catch up with them. Wait to make any big declarations until you know for sure it's not going to freak her/him out! Finally, all that's left to say is "good luck!".

02-26-2009, 01:14 PM	#11 (permalink)
Eric Roosevelt Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 708	In my experience directness is uncomfortable in the short-term, yet beneficial in the long-term. Most people are a little taken aback when someone opens themselves up to them. On the other hand, that initial shock will eventually subside because they now know that relationship is free from energy-consuming mind-games. Go with directness. However, think twice before sharing your innermost thoughts. Only say what you think needs to be said.

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