the fangirl.

[Faye]

hi, smart people! it's been a long time! i hope everyone is doing well.

here's what's up. yes, it's long.

a little too quickly out of my previous somewhat abusive relationship, i met a fellow. i say a little too quickly because i know i would've benefited from a couple of years of focusing on me, but that is not what or how it happened!

this guy immediately attained an extremely elevated status in my mind for many reasons -- but especially because he wasn't my ex boyfriend, and did not engage in any of those past extremes. but at the same time, i reverted to my own old extremes -- by not behaving much like an equal. what i mean by that is -- if something bothered me, i wouldn't say it. if he wrote something, i would tell him it's wonderful rather than offering any helpful criticism. if he was asking my opinion about an interaction with another person and whether or not he should've behaved differently, you better believe that he did *everything absolutely right*. and i was his absolute biggest fan.

on that same note, after exiting my old relationship, i was going through a lot of bad times -- emotionally, physically, etc. my self-confidence was inconceivably low, and my self-worth was pretty much not existing. so this new guy was a willing sob pillow.

he was generally quite patient with me -- but i was not even really 'relationship ready' to begin with, and when he started wanting to really move forward, i resisted. but because i didn't want to make him unhappy (because i had learned to fear the unhappiness of my partner, i suppose, and it was a terrible, terrible habit) -- i became a liar. white lies/evasions/anything to postpone whatever i was afraid of rather than being up front.

this was forgiven the first few times, but it really wore him down over time -- and he was always left guessing about whether or not i was being honest. around christmas, things exploded, and i was dumped. i'd never really seen him in a rage before. he is the kind of person who would rather turn everything into a joke. but he ranted for about two hours -- about all he'd done for me, that he was tired of it, the importance of fidelity. he told me he'd be glad to have a relationship when i can prove that i am capable of having one.

at this point, i was cut off. understandably. but i went into an emotional maelstrom and remained that way, teetering between passionate sorries and nonsensical indignance.

after a few weeks, i began to be included again -- but not in any situations where we were alone. i was invited to play games and spend time with friends, because his friends had become my friends, too. most of our conversations from then on consisted of impersonal play/jabs/fun -and over time began to ease into infrequent how-are-you's (but not REALLY how are you). as good as this is, it is also incredibly draining.

i wrote him one letter detailing a full apology and explanation and my intentions, which he did not respond to -- but i know that he read it.

we are now to where we can talk about harmless things (which i allow him to initiate most of the time), and he will talk a good bit about himself very easily -- but if i test the waters and talk a little about me, there are no questions asked or interest readily displayed. but i know he listens, because sometimes he'll reference things later.

on my own time, i've been building myself up in a lot of ways - i've learned a good bit from this. (you always learn things when you're the screw up. *g* )

i've been doing what i can to restore my confidence, and it's beginning to appear in behaviors that are not so .. *fangirl*-like. on top of all these complications, it's occured to me that this guy has never, ever seen this from me, and since he'll not come close enough to talk about it, he'll have to understand that i'm not lashing out at him all on his own.

one of my biggest struggles right now is still being around him; by all rights, i'm the one who messed it up --i am fully responsible for this. but as i continue to feel not fully forgiven, i continue to feel guilty and 'lesser' and like i need to make up for what i've done. i am trying to do what is best, and it seems he doesn't want to boot me out of his life -- and i don't want to be booted. at the same time, there's still a certain amount of tension and i'm *constantly* thinking/worrying about it and wanting to make it better. but i literally can not make it better, because in order for me to prove myself -- he'd have to let me in again. i think?

i am thinking maybe i need to move on just so that i can focus on improving myself and forgive myself, but if there is something i could do to really make it better.. i don't want to move on without doing everything i can.

i've seen plenty of advice in forums and articles for guys to avoid girls with severe baggage and 'issues', and i've also read plenty about the abused becoming the abuser - never thought i'd end up being those things.

i suppose i should pose a question in conclusion, though i don't really want to! would it be cowardly/wrong for me to stop interacting with this guy after all he's done and what he's put up with? should i be capable of dealing with this emotionally while simultaneously trying to do things to build on my confidence and grow?