How to deal with an aging, financially irresponsible parent?

[JoeGoldfarb]

hello, i have a problem and am looking for advice on how to best handle this situation.

my mother has trouble paying her bills and just got her car repo'd a second time. i will have to drive her to and from work (120miles for me) and pay to retrieve her car. she needs to keep her job.

she had her hips replaced in august. she claims her medical bills is what puts her behind. she has a simple life - just a track phone, no cable, no internet and keeps her heat down.

one issue with her life is she has too much junk everywhere from being a hoarder.

she did not contact me both times she was behind on her car. maybe her pride got in the way?

she needs an infusion of capital to regain her footing. if i am going to invest in her failed business model, what should i demand out of the deal? her finance books to manage her money? ownership of all her junk so i can throw it away? if i do take over her finances then she will be become dependent on me for money like a child and thats not something i am looking forward to.

i want to preserve my assets instead of losing them into the money hole that is my mother. how much management of her life should i take on? how do i deal with or overcome her resistance to a loss of freedom?


thx

[Alexjstrandberg]

These are the difficult situations to be in. On the one hand you could help her which might drive her irresponsibility with money even deeper. On the other hand you could do nothing and this could be the wake up call that she needs to get everything together.

I've just begun to get my finances together after being in so much debt. I was reckless with my money and it wound up bitting me in the ass big time. It has been extremely difficult and took a while to get back on my feet. I believe that the harsh reality of being reckless with money wouldn't of set in if I had been helped.

Here is my personal take on helping others financially: I will help someone who is willing to help themselves. My girlfriend has an aunt that is 20,000 in debt because she is addicted to spending money on things she doesn't need. She makes over 4 grand a month but can barely pay her rent (600/month) because she pisses her money away.

If the aunt wanted to make serious changes I would help her out but she doesn't want to. She continues to waste her money instead of trying to help herself by putting a dent in some of that debt.

If I were to help her when she doesn't want to change it will only prevent her from hitting rock bottom. Rock bottom is the tipping point where the person realizes what they have been doing isn't too healthy and needs to change. It might be painful for my gf's aunt right now but eventually that pain will become too much and she will change.

I wouldn't suggest micromanaging your mom's life, that would only lead to more problems. I suggest assessing the situation and see if your mom wants to change but needs help or she wants to continue to go deeper into debt.

[rawxstasy]

I agree, if you help her too much you are enabling her. Get her car back to her - and that's about all I'd do. Ask her why she didn't tell you this problem sooner? Sometimes people think if they ignore the problem it doesn't exist.

I think she has some deeper emotional issues that she is not dealing with. People who are constantly in financial crisis have something else outside of themselves to keep their focus on. I bet even if you helped her with enough money to take care of her bills, etc. She would find some way to stay in crisis. Hoarding is also another red flag. I look at it this way, a person's outer environment reflects their inner environment. If the house is full of clutter, well you can guess what shape her mind is in.

Of course, some people make such little money that they can never catch up on bills ( working poor ) but the issues you mentioned with the clutter tell me she's got more going on than just handling money.

[Nourishing]

sigh

another victim of the globalist agenda to make everyone pay out the yin yang for medicine that doesn't work ....


maybe some qigong or tai chi exercises with a master would help...some sort of training with someone who understands infinity rather than someone packing more finite tedious stressful info into her life..


I would suggest looking for a job she can do from the house. Figure out what skills she might have and align it with a home based job

[bman]

First off, lifestyle change is the most important.


Health, is of number 1 focus.


Make sure she eats well and exercise regularly, making it a habit/part of her life.

Once that is settled, then you can focus on other agenda.


Nowadays, health is number 1, because of the crap they put out there for us nowadays, many are dying prematurely from cancer and other complications.

[Eric Roosevelt]

I don't know how it works where you live, but isn't there some sort of social secrutity or grants she could rely on?

Or someone else in your family? Or a friend?

[jaamkie]

Curious to hear how this works out for you- my boyfriend's parents are blue-collar former refugees in their 50s with no health insurance or retirement savings. He's recently been worrying about their financial future, and I don't know what to tell him- he's the oldest and most responsible of the children, he will care for their necessities if they can't, whatever that requires, but he'd rather not ruin his own finances to pay for medical expenses if something happens to one of them. He's also very hesitant about even approaching them to discuss it- can't imagine a conversation about their finances, when he comes from a conservative culture where parents give instruction and children are guilted/pressured to follow it. He's also avoiding the subject because he strongly doesn't want to live with his parents, though they see living together as normal (not sure my own opinion helps here either- I'd happily live with parents or grandparents if they needed it; but mine are all comfortable and don't need anything from me, so I live alone to avoid seeming to mooch off of them or disturb their peace).

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by JoeGoldfarb

she needs an infusion of capital to regain her footing. if i am going to invest in her failed business model, what should i demand out of the deal?

If it were me, and my Mom needed some money, that I had and could afford to give, I'd give it, free and clear. I might make the request that she get rid of some of her stuff if I felt like it was of some kind of safety concern (fire hazzard?). And I might request that she look into Debtors Anon if she seems to have real trouble dealing with money (I have a friend who is making real strides in that program). My feeling has always been to never "loan" people money, because it never seems to work out the way you expect with the repayment thing! If I have it to give away with out the expectation of getting it back, then I do. That way its a pleasant surprise if they do manage to repay.

Good luck!

[ns123]

My advice: give her the opportunity to take responsibility for her life, by not lending her any money or driving her to work. Perform no actions except to tell her you love her and believe that she will pull through.

Give her this opportunity to learn.

The more you bail her out, the more you enable her.

[Indiana]

If she is keeping her costs low (no luxuries) but has been hit hard by unexpected medical expenses, and is struggling to pay, why do you say she is financially irresponsible (except for lack of adequate emergency account/insurance)?

Does she require more income in general? Is she able but not willing to get it? Or is she unable to get it? Why do you believe a single infusion of capital to clear her debts would result in a 'money hole'? Has this been happening for a long time?

[JoeGoldfarb]

Originally Posted by Indiana

If she is keeping her costs low (no luxuries) but has been hit hard by unexpected medical expenses, and is struggling to pay, why do you say she is financially irresponsible (except for lack of adequate emergency account/insurance)?

you are one of two people who caught that error. i posted this same problem on some other boards and someone saw it as well. the only thing irresponsible is that she didnt tell anyone she is 4 payments behind, this is the second time in 8 months it has happened. thats the irresponsible part.

so i have her the money to get her car back. i drove her to the repo. since then she has avoided talking to me, probably due to shame. I can understand that. I have run out of money myself and it doesnt feel good, but cried and got over it.

i am upset with myself with some of the language i used in the opening post. i think i should have been more respectful.

my mother claims to be able to pay off the last of her medical bills for her hip replacement with her tax returns. Fake hips last 5-10 years, no? and they can be replaced twice, right? she is 60 and is thinking about getting new knees, too. so, this money problem will just occur again.

i am aware that outside = inside, meaning a cluttered home = a cluttered mind. i asked her why she keeps all that stuff and she will say either memories or that it may come in use. she grew up in a Depression family that was poor, so maybe thats the only way she knows how to live but she just doesnt know how to organize the stuff.

as someone else in this thread pointed out, she is the type to ignore problems to make them go away. she will turn her phone off if bill collectors call. when her mother died she sat in her room with a closed door instead of going to the wake.




thx for the replies

[rawxstasy]

She is thinking about getting new knees? She can prevent this by doing moderate exercise and if she needs to, she should lose some weight. If she could make improvements in her diet - meaning adding more fresh fruit and vegetables it would also help. This doesn't have to be inevitable. I would talk to her. Don't let her shut you out. Even if she feels embarrassed, I think you need to open up the discussion. I would say, "you took care of me growing up and I am happy to be able to do something for you when you need help."

I don't know all that's involved with car repossession, but I'm assuming there's some penalties you had to pay to get her car back? Also tell her, that it would be much cheaper if she would have come to you sooner. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother but you obviously care about her. I think you need to be more assertive in finding out what's going on in her financial life. Like how much $$ does she still need to pay for the medical bills etc. Talk to her about lifestyle changes. I'm in nursing school and I just did an observation at the Cath lab. (where they insert balloons and stents into clogged arteries) You know what the hospital staff calls the cath lab - it's nicknamed the CASH lab, cause the patients that roll through there want to eat whatever they want and abuse their bodies then expect the doctor to fix their bodies when it breaks down.

[jsdb]

Just wanted to share my personal experience with helping an ailing parent who has not inclination to plan for the future.

My grandmother died recently, but not before spending 6 months in the hospital due to her second heart attack. My aunt is one of six kids, yet she was the only one charged with caring for my grandmother, i.e. paying bills, grocery shopping, medical visits, etc. My aunt seemingly gave up her own life to care for her mother.

While in the hospital my aunt realized that she needed a will in case grandma passed away. There is a house and property at stake as well as arrangements that would fall on her shoulders.

My aunt paid a lawyer to draw up a will, however grandma for reasons that I still can not fathom REFUSED to sign the will.

Despite my aunts best efforts my grandmother refused to sign the will EVEN when the lawyer herself described why it was important.

Grandmother died 24 hours later, she never signed the will.

Grandma's hospital bills will easily surpass $100,000. Her health insurance will likely not cover a fraction of her medical costs.

It is sad to say but this is what a devoted child receives from an ignorant, irresponsible parent - heart ache and financial ruin.

The house and property that I mentioned earlier, the only thing of value that my aunt clearly deserves, now hangs in limbo.

Moreover, a distant family member is claiming ownership to the property and seeing that there is no will, this person has a fair shot at taking ownership. Talk about adding insult to injury.