The Hurt of Longing

[David21]

I'm 21 years old - 22 in April - and I have never been in an intimate relationship.

From about the age of, I think, 11 I began to take an interest in the opposite sex and the possibility of being in relationships. For some reason, the idea of being close and affectionate with someone has always appealed to me, it's always been something I've desired.

Unfortunately I developed depression from about the age of 15 and from there I've not really had the chance to lead a 'normal life', whatever that is. The opportunities to mingle with the opposite sex never really arose and when it did, it was in the wrong context for anything to develop. Every time a girl comes into my life that I like, something happens that stops anything from developing. It's frustrating and deeply hurtful, especially when it's the only thing you've dreamt of for years. Don't get me wrong, I don't come across as desperate in the slightest but something not always in my control tends to arise and stop a relationship from forming.

I was at a club a few weeks ago where a friend and I were dancing. As we danced we held hands. This was a newish experience for me. When she got tired she suggested that we sit down. Once we'd made ourselves comfortable, she played with the rings on my hand and then actually held my hand. Just holding someones hand like that, regardless of whether I found her attractive, made me feel warm in the chest - I really enjoyed it. It was such a nice experience.

I should make something clear, I'm not interested in just the sex - far from it. What I want and desire is just companionship: being close to someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings, holding hands and cuddling, things like that. The idea of casual sex makes me anxious and highly uncomfortable which is perhaps ironic given that I am a student!

During the past year I've been feeling a lot of pain because this one thing I just can't find. Buddhists teach that one should reduce the significance one places on things, but this doesn't work for me. I still yearn closeness. I try and put things into perspective and remind myself that I am absolutely not the only one experiencing this, but that doesn't help either. I just can't stop thinking about how much I would really enjoy being close to someone. You know what the real annoyance of the situation is? I know that once I'm in a relationship I'll not find absolute contentment as I dream I will. Why? Because it is not within our nature to stop coveting things. I'll end up seeking something else, no doubt. True contentment needs to be found within. It doesn't exist 'out there'. And I know this, yet the desire for closeness remains just as strong.

I'm very sorry for writing such a long and perhaps tedious post, but I just wanted peoples perspectives on this matter as my own adds no clarity. It just hurts so much and I just want it to stop. It's not even rational, I know but every day I feel this unease in my heart. I just want to find peace of mind.

[magi13]

Do you want to be in a relationship? or relationship with sex? or friendship with the opposite sex?


If you want to be in a relationship, then just tell her, there's no point in delaying such things. If she says yes good for you, if not, forget her or settle for being friends.

I know how you feel, i've been there and it's a wonderful feeling. You just have to be confident is all. oh and don't forget, good hygene is important to women, they love clean guys most of the time

[bluedragon]

I think you should try becoming more and more open and available for being in a relationship - talking to more girls, taking care of yourself, always being prepared to go out, always knowing your schedule so you know when you can squeeze a date in, listen to podcasts about dating and generally make this chapter an important part of your life. You could also become friends with a few girls, as this will help you become more comfortable with a lot of aspects. You can experience a lot of closeness even with a girl friend, not only a "girlfriend". Slowly but steadily work towards what you really want.

[Lilith785]

So what about this "friend" you went clubbing with? Sounds like she has an interest in you.

[SimonaRich]

Don't feel so down - many people are in your situation. I know that what I am going to say may sound not realistic to you, but I am hoping that you are aware enough to understand what I am trying to get accross.

Many people are unhappy yet instead of tring to find happiness inside them, they look for external things to make them happy. Girls usually go shopping and get depressed if their boyfriends look at other girls, guys show off their new cars and other boys toys and always want to find that perfect girl.

But that is an illusion, external things can make you happy for some time, but eventually that happiness will dissapear because it was not real in the first place.

When you try to find happiness inside you (through meditation, positive affirmations, focusing on good feeling thoughts) you will notice that you are becomming increasingly happier.

You will notice that the happier you become, the less friendships you need because you are not trying to prove anyone how nice you are. You do not need approval of others. You feel great in your own skin and do not try to pretend who you are not.

When this happens, your friends and people around you start noticing that you have changed and that you have become much more confident and happy. In no time you attract numerous girls, but you do not care about them as much as you did. You appreciate that they like you and you are able to select the one you really like and spend great time with her, but not getting overly obsessed with her, jealous or depressed when you cannot reach her. She is there for fun, and you start enjoying your life for real.

Have fun

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by David21

I know that once I'm in a relationship I'll not find absolute contentment as I dream I will.

You're right.

Originally Posted by David21

It just hurts so much and I just want it to stop.

Ignore your hurt feelings and desire. They're just feelings and thoughts, not mandates for behavior. You can do it, if you want to. They don't do anything useful and certainly don't get you a girlfriend. This is very important to understand; your feeling and desire does not satisfy itself. Once you can ignore them, maybe you can learn to let them go.

[drama07]

I'm in the same predicament(wrong spelling I know) as you. But I come to realize.

Buddhists teach that one should reduce the significance one places on things, but this doesn't work for me. .

It doesn't work because ego is resisting teachings of buddhists. The ego will die once you discover that things have no significance. Ego does not want to die so it resists. It doesn't work for YOU because you identify by ego. Currently, you perceive as being ego, but you arent ego.

I just can't stop thinking about how much I would really enjoy being close to someone.

Again ego. Ego survives through thoughts like that. It feeds on it.

I know that once I'm in a relationship I'll not find absolute contentment as I dream I will. Why? Because it is not within our nature to stop coveting things. I'll end up seeking something else, no doubt. True contentment needs to be found within. It doesn't exist 'out there'.

I congratulate you for realizing that. You have began the awakening

And I know this, yet the desire for closeness remains just as strong.

It strong becuase you identify by ego. To disidentify, dont resist your ego. Resistance only feeds the ego. Observe the feelings of desire. Be aware of the feeling in your inner body. Once you're aware that ego is the culprit of all desires turn to suffering, the suffering will gradually cease. To be aware is to accept what is at this given moment.

Remember this: It's all ego

[BeyondtheWrap]

Originally Posted by David21

I'm very sorry for writing such a long and perhaps tedious post, but I just wanted peoples perspectives on this matter as my own adds no clarity. It just hurts so much and I just want it to stop. It's not even rational, I know but every day I feel this unease in my heart. I just want to find peace of mind.

I can't help you, but I'll post anyway.

I am similar, in that I am a student longing for the opposite sex. Different, in that I want casual sex with almost every girl I see; I have been in an intimate relationship before, but I have fallen into a long dry spell because I have not taken sufficient action.

What hurts even more than going sexless is feeling like I have to hide. I know I am living in fear. I know I am being dishonest. And I know I am the only one who can do anything about it. Yet I do nothing. I am left with the despair of knowing that I am in despair.

[Incognitus]

I get real suspicious of these "holy" people who deny their bodies. might be the right path for some, but you gotta know yourself.

if people were designed with sexual organs, if the chakra system can be used to promote growth, then why suppress sex?

i'm tired of people suppressing sex. maybe we just need to remove the stigma of it

[Paul C]

Hello David21.

I'm in a very similar situation to your own, yet a little older than yourself, perhaps by almost a year. So, I can relate fairly well to what you're saying. Yet, you've honestly taken more action than myself to seek out the opportunities to meet women, as well as get results, than I have (as of this moment). So, I applaud you for that effort and will try to help you out regardless.

Your desire for being within an intimate relationship with a women is understandable, I see no problem there. And it's good to see that you motivations go beyond just sex, which isn't to say that it's excluded from your desires either. And to make a few things clear- having desire for a relationship, within itself, doesn't have to be considered egoic in nature. Things become egoic when you treat the possible addition of a relationship to your life as a possession to be kept. But, if you treat the relationship you have with someone as an opportunity in which to express yourself truthfully to that person and to share growth experiences with, it could develop into something more if this person, in particular, is a women. What I'm trying to say is that you would be better off focusing on creating relationships, in general, then seeing which one you favor on a more deeper level.

It would perhaps be easier to find compatible women to make relationships with in places that appeal to particular interests you have, which could include: online communities or in person meet-ups. Or, if you're currently within college/university you would, in all likelihood, encounter a large number of women within your age group, who might have similar interest to that of your own. As long as you are honest in your interactions with women, you will eventually attract those you are most looking for.

In the meantime though, it's important that you know how to keep yourself company and productive. Doing some kind of creative work would be a good idea, in which to use up some of that energy you have, exercise would be another, of course. You'll find her eventually, it just a matter of getting on with your own life until that meeting happens, either through directed action or by chance.

Edit: What matters most for your well being is that you are able to accept your current situation as it is, within the moment, while also seeing what action(s) you can make, no matter how small they may be, to change things in a more desirable direction.

[Paul C]

Originally Posted by Incognitus

I get real suspicious of these "holy" people who deny their bodies. might be the right path for some, but you gotta know yourself.

I'm not sure if that was specifically the intentions of the previous posters, but I am aware of the kind of people you speak of.

Spirituality can at first be mistaken for denying the body completely and all it's urges for the sake of somehow purging the ego from your being (being aware of what is ego can be useful, though). Where else spirituality could really be considered a harmony of mind, body and spirit within the present moment. Being aware of your thoughts and bodily urges, then responding (or not responding) to them in a conscious way. So yes, I would agree the body can be very useful for conscious development.

[rawxstasy]

Because it is not within our nature to stop coveting things. I'll end up seeking something else, no doubt. True contentment needs to be found within. It doesn't exist 'out there'

You are very wise for your age. I didn't internalize this until I was 43. SimonaRicha and Drama 07 have some very good advice. I always felt this longing to and took whatever guy came along just to be in a relationship. Once I looked within and journaled about my feelings and meditated I became happier and the longing went away.

I feel much more confident about myself and I notice that guys are even more attracted to me now.

[David21]

Do you want to be in a relationship? or relationship with sex? or friendship with the opposite sex?

More than anything, it's about closeness. Sex is an expression of closeness (when it isn't casual) so, I guess, yes that would be nice too. But if I can experience true closeness without sex, I'd be just as happy, I'm sure.

So what about this "friend" you went clubbing with? Sounds like she has an interest in you.

I'm guessing she must have just had too much to drink as when I next saw her in uni, she was somewhat distant and avoidant, almost like nothing had happened.

I am thinking that maybe I've been watching too many movies as the kind of blissful relationship I seek does not really exist? It's a shame, but perhaps true.

I'll carrying on looking inside.

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by David21

I'm guessing she must have just had too much to drink as when I next saw her in uni, she was somewhat distant and avoidant, almost like nothing had happened.

She was distant because she felt rejected. She showed her interest in you, and you didn't follow up.

Women are much more subtle in showing their interest than men, so if you think she is interested, she probably is. Any species has a mating ritual and humans are no different. Our species' courting ritual (biologically hardwired) requires the man to take the lead, i.e. to escalate the whole way. Whether you like it or not, that's the way it is. If the woman takes the initiative, it is usually only in the very beginning by inviting the man (think eye contact etc). After that she hopes that the man takes it from there (to be specific: ask her for the first date, ask her to his/her house, first kiss, first sex, first time saying "I love you", etc)

[David21]

No, she didn't feel rejected in the slightest - she didn't give me time to reject her. When she was 'flirting' with me in the club, I reciprocated and had she given me the chance to in college, I would have continued.

I totally disagree with you about her feeling rejected. I did nothing to make her feel that way. I was reciprocating the interest right up until the moment we said goodbye that night. When I saw her again, the interest she had exhibited that night had faded.

It must have been the drink making her feel merry. Maybe she does like me, but I really can't see that she was feeling rejected.