Who pays for the date?

[Dharma]

Expectations are a great way to have some pain in your life. When you could be focused on the date, you're up in your head ruminating over how the date should go. You're not actually with your date, but your ideas of how the date should be.

I agree with many here... talk about it.

"Hey, I have something to ask you. The last couple of times that we went out you didn't have enough money on you to pay the bill. I thought you were going to pay for the date and it felt very awkward at the time so I didn't say anything. But I want to ask, should I expect you to pay for everything when we go out?"

Something like that.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Zoomorphic

...I m starting to lose interest in him because i think that he's not very generous and that money is more important to him.

... i thought he would plan that special day for me. I was so devastated....

Should i Dump him?

I don't think you have to worry about dumping him, because I think you are right on the verge of getting dumped.

You want to be in a successful relationship? Take 100% responsibility, and take a look in the mirror. He is starting to lose interest in you because he thinks that you are not very generous and that money is more important to you. You are starting to lose interest in you because you are not very generous and money is more important to you.

If I were you, I would focus on being what you want (generosity, love, connection, open communication, and/or whatever else), and let go of thinking that a relationship is a place to get. Then as you do that, watch the image in the mirror change.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Angela

... let go of thinking that a relationship is a place to get.

Oh Angela, that just made me tingle all over. A great piece of clarity there.

[Brutha]

If a guy wants to go even-steven, maybe he also wants to date a woman that's like a guy...stick me in a pair of chinos, cut my hair nice & short & easily stylable with some gel, and I'll be good to go in 5 minutes.

It's more important to a woman how her men is dressed in vice versa.
Woman care a lot more about style than men.

But if a woman encourages 50/50 over the dinner tab all the time, I suspect there she may also be encouraging a lack of appreciation of what she brings to the table in other areas,

That argument somehow assumes that the men don't bring something to the table in other areas.

[Lauxa]

Brutha, that reminds me of a comment that I read some time ago that women don't dress up to impress men, they dress up to impress other women.

I think it's generally true, but there are some men that are finicky about style and appearances.

But who am I to know, since I've generally had an "I don't dress up for anyone" policy... and DH has never, ever, seemed to care...

[Gregorz]

You don't want to pay for yourself, and you think he's being greedy because he thinks you should go 50/50?

Gender roles and double standards, I love 'em.

[Angela Leeds]

Originally Posted by Brutha

It's more important to a woman how her men is dressed in vice versa.
Woman care a lot more about style than men.

I didn't mean "style" so much as what goes into taking care of herself and being being attractive in a "feminine" way. Not saying that has to be part of the equation. But...if a guy does want to be with a woman who is well-groomed, it would be very conscious of him to recognize & honor it.

That argument somehow assumes that the men don't bring something to the table in other areas.

Of course he does...

[Curtis2011]

I think the original post-er is a little delusional concerning the romance of real life.


Expecting a guy to pay all the time is definitely something I would call selfish (I am a guy). In fact, one of the last girls I dated almost always INSISTED on paying for herself and I thought that was a huuuge turn on, because I could sense her independence and that is just my type of girl.

Also to expect something super-romantic from your boyfriend of only a few months is kinda unrealistic. You are trying to make his box of chocolates live up to your wildest imagination/fantasy, which in real life just doesn't happen (that often).


That said, if he is beating around the bush and squirming his way out of paying for you, maybe he has confidence or honesty issues.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Zoomorphic

I m 23 years old and i want a successful relationship. I cant sleep and its midnight now...

I found the post quite incredulous, but this line, wow. This line made my eyes go wide.

This isn't about him at all. This is all about you. He'll do whatever he does, or doesn't, then you get to use that to make a choice. That's how you exercise your power. You can't make him do anything, all you can do it gain clarity and act. So lets gain some clarity.

You want a successful relationship, but I'm guessing you aren't sure what that entails aside from what you've heard from friends. You probably aren't sure how to go about being in a successful relationship. Find some books at the library, or some good online resources and read the crap out of them. Once you know what you are getting into, then you'll have more knowledge on how to act.

Now as for your expectations, they aren't bad, but they do have only two outcomes: Disappointment and obligation. Having expectations creates obligation straight up. The other person is obliged to do something specific, whether or not they know it, and then you measure them up against that obligation. Obligation kills sponteneity. It kills choice, and freedom. It kills self expression. So, now that they are dead, less move onto dissapointment. When you measure them up against their obligation they will either pass or fail. If they pass, fine, okay. It's probably a good thing, but it's always kind of weak. Like pasing a test, you just get to move onto the next expectation. If they fail though, ooh, doom and gloom. How could they? Why did they? How dare they? When someone disappoints you, there's no room for love or happiness, it's all doom and gloom. The problem is that they haven't really disappointed you, you've just created an expectation they should have lived up to, and when they didn't meet it, you disappointed yourself, then blamed it on them!!! It's perfectly fine to create expectations, and share them, express them and turn them into concrete rules, but these hidden, masked expectations that do nothing but hurt the both of you are INSANE!

You know how crazy it is to make up a rule that only you know of, then punish someone else for breaking it? That's exactly what you are doing with your expectations.

Now, the reason why that line fully suprised me: You want a successful relationship, but you are already sabotaging it with all your expectations. Do you want a guy to be a good guy and be in a relationship? Or do you want him to follow some imaginary rules that you made up/read somewhere/heard from someone? Should he surprise you and make you happy, or should he follow the rules of V-day and do what's expected.

It's up to you really. Once you have clarity, make your choice, but first you need clarity. Figure out what you really want, then go from there. I think the main source of your confusion is that you want a relationship, but you ALSO want him to meet your hidden, unvoiced expectations.

[Zoomorphic]

hi everyone, just an update about my relationship a month later i posted this thread,
Thanks everone for advice.
In the end, i was in love with him.Because he was my first boyfriend, i became more deeply in love as weeks passed.
I even started paying and offered to pay for the date instead of making him paid for it. I was in love.
Sadly,,, it was too late to make amendments and start treating him good,
He broke up with me. We dated for 2months,
I was hurt, it was m first breakup.. So many regrets and still havent let go.
Wish i can turn back time. I was stupid and didnt know how to treat a guy.
Will i ever find someone like him..
Its been 2 weeks since broken up.. Im still sad.
If only...if only

[RT Wolf]

^ That's unfortunate. You'll be fine though, with time. And yea, you'll likely find someone else, there's 3ish billion guys out there, you'll be fine. But the first one always stings more.

At least you learned something.

[Zoomorphic]

how do i get over him?
Since broken up, my self esteem went down too,, I looked in the mirror and found myself unattractive
how do i not depend on somebody to dictate my values?
Im not looking after myself these days,, not handling breakup easily,

Here goes a new set of problems..
Please, i need some input

[Andy4]

Read some of the replies but not all,not got the time.

Bin him,It's not just about money,like hollistic star says but you deserve to be romanced!

Your man should fight for you and die for you if necessary.Not moan about the fkn bill,come on.

I love this forum but I am seriously considering leaving it.There is too much wishy washy crap and to much ass kissing going on.

Dont be treated like second best.there,I told you sincerely and it didnt take a course on Tolle or any of the other crap some of our members dote on.

Take care,

Regards,Andy

Wealthnuggets4u-Get Rich!-In All Areas Of Your Life.

Sorry if this as come thru twice bad signal here.

[Andy4]

I'm sorry zoom.Ive just read you update.RT Wolf is right but I know it probably wont help right now.

In my experience relationships,with practice do become easier,this guy just didnt deserve you and yet you are blaming yourself.

Time is the only thing that will heal this,some tines we need to revel in our despair I think it as healing properties,

You will meet your soulmate,I promise.

Regards,Andy.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Zoomorphic

how do i get over him?
Since broken up, my self esteem went down too,, I looked in the mirror and found myself unattractive
how do i not depend on somebody to dictate my values?
Im not looking after myself these days,, not handling breakup easily,

Here goes a new set of problems..
Please, i need some input

That's confusing. :P

Do you look worse now that he's broken up with you? Did you somehow magically get uglier in that moment?

You can't depend on your self esteem if it's based on something outside yourself, such as your looks, your social status, or your accomplishments. If you do, it will always be in fluctuation, changing depending on the wind. Even if you have good self esteem and what you are basing it on dips, then you suffer terrible doubt. It's not a good way to live.

Jumping off this circle requires basing your self esteem on something concrete. Your potential as a human being or your opportunity for great compassion for example. It has to be something you discover, that holds true for yourself and never fluctuates. Your potential will never diminish, even though your application of it might. Your compassion may fade temporarily, but your opportuniy for it won't. This is more about what you want to be, rather than what you are.

But the only concrete way to know where to go is to define your own values. Get rid of those ones that don't work for you, like having a boyfriend , and find out what's really important to work. And it won't happen overnight. Life is a journey and you can only take it one step at a time.

[RT Wolf]

Hmm, about basing your self-esteem internally, read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

[Zoomorphic]

Parthon and RT wolf,

This is a thread i started 5 days ago, and this will explained what happened to me,
Pls read .Trauma. I Cant take.




Parthon,
U are right about defining my values in life. I m 23 and have been confused and not sure about life, Often i question my purpose and wishing im not me.
Im lost, i feel i m too late coz so many mistakes. i want to change my life around. Why is that each time im late in picking up my mistakes. People warned me and somehow i tend to ignore the advice and until i experience a bad trauma, i start learnin, I hate that i only learn when i experience and i dont learn from people. I dont even know what i m saying nymore, Im a troubled person that is still deluded.
Its hard to define in my mind right now. i dont even know myself and what i want an what will make me happy. i guess, lots of money and a good relationship?


Rt wolf,
That book, i actually on chapter 2, second habit. I ll continue to read further,

Since the trauma, my perspective change,
I think i m a confusing person nd lost.
Anyway these are the things in my head righ now. maybe u can help me finding the answers.

1/ I just graduated recently, I ve been working for 6months now. I find life meaningless, coz its work work work, for money, then if im lucky, i get married, have children then die.

2/ I m always wishing i should have more fun when i was a teen, now that im older, i miss out and i regret, So many things i havent experience, i m still acting childish coz im too innocent, too introverted and negative and bitter.
I think its because my background and that i was bought up without parents , i feel unfortunate and envy others with better life,


This is whats in my mind, ts hard to follow, my mind is cluttered with so much memories, of pasts n now present seem hopeless ans meaningless.
I never told my ex bf how i felt, i m just going through a lot of uncertainty in life. Not sure if can find the answer. I feel better now after typing this long

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Zoomorphic

Parthon,
U are right about defining my values in life. I m 23 and have been confused and not sure about life, Often i question my purpose and wishing im not me.
Im lost, i feel i m too late coz so many mistakes. i want to change my life around. Why is that each time im late in picking up my mistakes. People warned me and somehow i tend to ignore the advice and until i experience a bad trauma, i start learnin, I hate that i only learn when i experience and i dont learn from people. I dont even know what i m saying nymore, Im a troubled person that is still deluded.
Its hard to define in my mind right now. i dont even know myself and what i want an what will make me happy. i guess, lots of money and a good relationship?

Money and a relationship won't make you happy if you are already unhappy. In fact they often compound problems in your life until you overcome them. You know that though.

Sorry about your accident, it's a real blow, literally and figuratively.

But, it could be a sign to take it easy and decide what to do next. You've had so much toil recently, and this causes you to retreat into your past and try and figure it all out, but the problem with the past is that it never changes and doesn't ever improve. It's about what to do next, get your current problems in order and make a plan of attack for the ones on the horizon. You have several days ahead of you where you aren't doing much except suffering and moping, perhaps put them to better use.

You don't have to, but it's an opportunity. Even 30 minutes a day will make a difference.