bad breakup with commitment-phobe

[babssoft]

Hi everyone,

I had a bad break up with someone I was dating for a couple of months back in the fall of '08. This has been the most bizarre breakup I've ever experienced.

This man pursued me ardently for two months, told me he was madly in love with me (said he thought about marrying me, having kids, moving in, etc.).

I fell in love with him, too, and after a couple of months I decided to bring up going "steady". He freaked out and said he couldn't do it. Therefore, I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore and that he could take as long as he needed deciding what he wanted, but I wasn't going to wait around for him. I was really hurt, but prepared to accept what happened and do my best to move on.

However, what is bizarre is that instead of running away from me, he proceeded to throw himself at me with almost the same intensity (or more) as when he initially pursued me. I was so sure he would just back off and let me go, but he's done the complete opposite!

When we split in November, he admitted to having really negative views on love and even said that "all love ends in disaster". He admitted to having panic attacks when he thought about how much he loved me. He finally revealed to me that he was dumped by his fiance earlier in 2008. I couldn't really understand or relate to his attitudes but I knew they were very negative. It was becoming clear that he was phobic in a real sense.

It's been over 3 months since we stopped seeing each other, but it's been really awful--in November after we split, I said I needed some time and space to move on. He has done almost anything but respect my wishes--I received an onslaught of emails from him, and repeatedly asked him to stop contacting me UNLESS he felt that he was willing to go steady. In his emails, he only tried to get me to continue seeing him or "being friends"--basically trying to get me to do things "his way" (date casually, etc.). In these same emails, he was proclaiming his love and adoration for me, going on and on about how much he was still in love with me. I decided it wasn't healthy for me to be around someone so conflicted and confused. I ended up blocking him from my email account and changed my phone number because he refused to stop writing when all I wanted to do was move on and get some peace of mind.

I still keep hearing things about him through the grapevine--that he's obsessing over me, trying to create drama, etc. I've asked my friends to stop filling me in, but sometimes people forget or they're insensitive. Anyway, he contacted me on Valentine's Day through an email address that I didn't recognize--but I had a feeling it was him and deleted the message before reading it (I later found out it was from him).

I know that his ego must be really bruised because I don't want to see him anymore, but it's crazy because he rejected me first! It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I am just trying to understand why he would continue dragging this out.

I'm not worried that I'll go back to him while he's being so irrational--I have a really good head on my shoulders which is why I refused to agree to his "terms" in the first place. I know it's not an option.

I am just so sad and confused about why someone would walk away from love--I guess I can't understand how messed up he must be. It's also confusing why he would hurt himself this way--not just me.

I am not in denial about this situation, I am just wondering if anyone has ever dealt with a commitment-phobe, because trying to move on while he is still pursuing me is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because I still love him and have a lot of feelings (though I know I must deal with those things away from him). I'm just feeling so depressed about this.

Anyway, if anyone has any experience with this sort of situation, I would really appreciate if you have any wisdom, etc. Also, any advice for when the person you are grieving is trying to interrupt your grieving process.

Thanks for reading,
Babs

[RT Wolf]

It sounds like he's turning into a bit of stalker, and that he's got a lot of issues that he needs a therapist to help him with. He seems to have trouble letting go. He may be projecting his feelings for his old fiance right onto you. In either case, I disagree with your diagnosis of being a commitment-phobe. I think he's got deeper issues than that and your confusion is evidence of that. If it was "normal" you'd be able to understand it. Get a restraining order if you feel he's getting out of hand, but you seem to have things under control in that department.

There's 3 billion or so of either sex out there and you've to be a good match for at least 10 of them. You can find someone who's a better match for you. My advice? There's a huge abundance of people. Find someone with fewer issues.

[magi13]

he's just full of himself. that's what i think anyway. or he's not in for a serious relationship. maybe he is recuperating from his previous breakup and is going for a rebound.

^^, anyway, just be responsible with your decision, and move on, unless you decide to be with him.