If, and how, to apologize.

[ThoughtAddict]

A more complete title would be "If, and how, to apologize when you screwed up and are (mostly) out of the person's life."

If a person has kicked you out of their life for a mistake you made, do you re-enter to apologize? Do you risk re-exposing them to pain in order to express your regret and to try to minimize any lingering pain? Can you separate your desire to rebuild from your desire for their happiness when their happiness may be one without you?

The story:
I had a long and wonderful relationship with a lovely girl. We were friends, companions, or lovers for four years. It was rare I went more than a few days without speaking to her. It was a beautiful relationship, with very little conflict and always positive solutions. She was a constant friend... our e-mails read like poetry and our conversations could go for hours without pause. We experienced a lot of firsts together and supported each other through some hard times.
We broke up after a period of intense romance. It was painful for me. At the time, I could not understand that it was what she needed in life. After binge drinking and destructive activities, I accepted it and moved on. Flash forward a few months (still talking to her fairly often) and I get into a relationship. The new girl doesn't like the friendship I have, and so chokes it off. I let it get choked off. My friend goes to Africa. She sends letters. My girlfriend forbids me to respond, and I obey. When my friend gets back, the girlfriend forbids me to talk to her, and I obey. For roughly a year, I barely communicate with my friend.

This, by the way, is the biggest regret in my life that does not involve someone's death.

I contact my friend just over a year ago, and the conversation goes poorly. She doesn't consider me a friend, since a friend would keep in better contact. She listens to my feeble explanations of the relationship (in hindsight, they were probably a cry for help to get out of the destructive relationship), and rejects them. She yells at me for being a bad friend... a deserved blow that still stings today. She proceeds to request that I not make any attempt to contact her.

I respect her wishes for just over a year, thinking of her often, getting out of the destructive relationship, and regretting the mistakes. Generally, I try to be happy, but occasionally have dreams of her that make me very sad, and make me miss her.
The dreams became more frequent recently. A few days ago, I had a very vivid dream involving her, and I woke up with a smile. In the shower, the regret set in and the smile turned to sadness.
Today, a mutual friend contacted me. He informed me that this friend had dropped off the radar for the past six months. She has leukemia, but she's fighting it and doing well. She's entering her last round of chemo today. I had no clue until today. And the past few hours, I've been crying from worry, regret, and just a general sense that all is not right and that it is truly, entirely, my fault. This friend, who is one of the best people I've met, one of the kindest souls, could have died and I'd have had no clue. I could have died, and she'd have had no clue. Somehow, it just seems very, very wrong. The slowly fading memories of blissful times are running through my head, and I just want to make things right...

I managed to get her contact information. I have the mutual friend who has offered to act as an emissary. But I am far too inexperienced with such a situation to have a clue what I should do.

If re-entering her life would hurt her without providing any kind of happiness or benefit to her, then I'd rather take my regret and continue on my own way.
On the other hand, I want to apologize, and it does not seem wrong to do so. I want her to know that I care even if she wants to never hear from me again. I want her to know that I'm sorry she was ill and am very happy that she's doing well. I want her to know that I'm willing to be a part of her life, or to be entirely absent if she chooses. I want her to know that I'd prefer to have that friendship.
And I'm not sure how separate that is from my desire to have that happy friendship back. There is a desire for the intensity we had before, but I more want to be there for her. To talk about random things that made her smile (there were always a lot of them).

It is a tough situation, and I don't know what to do. Should I keep my distance, approach through an emissary, send a letter or send an e-mail? How would you handle it?

[timothydrake]

I can see that your feelings are really strong.

I would make any and all attempts to reconnect. From what you say there wasn't anything you did that bad to make them hate you. I say go for it. Reconnect and apologize to her. Do what it takes to reconnect. Buy flowers, write to them everyday that you are sorry and that you miss them. Be consistent but be honest. Prove to them that you want to reconnect really badly. I would even go as far as going to see her in person (with a bouqet of flowers of course).

[ssandra]

I would say GO!!

Go see her. Tell her you´ve been an ass, a bad friend and not worthy or her friendship.

Tell her that you love her non the less, and although see has every right to kick you out and never see you again, you hope that see can forgive you and let you be her friend again.

Tell her that whatever happens, you will always be there for her, and you will always love her.

Then, leave it up to her to decide.

Don´t go via somebody else. Don´t take the easy way out of writing an email. If at all possible, go and see her.

If not, write a letter and ask your friend to deliver it, without any comment.

Respect her choice, whatever she decides.

But: if you have not been a friend in the past, be one now! Be there for her, because what she has gone through and is going through, she needs one.

[cacheborn]

ThoughtAddict,
I agree with the replies so far. Go and see her as soon as possible. Apologize for your behaviour. Even if she does not respond in absolute positive way, she will at least know that you have realised your mistake. There is no standard way to apologize. Being completely honest and accepting responsibility for your actions is one way.
I wish you the best.

[ThoughtAddict]

Thanks for the replies, all. I wasn't expecting such unanimity.

One of my concerns with going to see her is that, well, she's quite ill. Her treatment is going well so far. The last thing I want is to enter into her life and cause her stress when her focus should be on recovery. If she has a negative reaction, I would hate for it to be something that pushes her lower... she definitely does not deserve that. Am I being concerned for nothing?

[rawxstasy]

I am in nursing school. I'll be graduating at the end of the year. I also work on the cancer floor at the hospital in town and volunteer at hospice. I hear you saying you are worried her health will take a turn for the worse if you visit her. I don't think you need to be concerned. She may be having her own regrets now about being angry with you and cutting you out of her life.

Go see her.

[magi13]

what do you think you should do? what does your heart tell you?

If you still can't get her out of your mind see her personally and talk. Tell her you need to sort things out and get closure.

Since you really are thinking about her.

I know it's hard, and painful, but be thankful for this experience, pain is a teacher and you better learn from her lessons. You know how it hurts to repeat that mistake.

I'll write some options for you, but before going with any of them, I ask you to think about it, doubt my suggestions and choose wisely among the advices we give, and have precedent to your own thoughts, because only you alone is responsible for the result.

1. If she no longer appears in your mind and you think you can move on. Move on.

2. If you can't get her out of your mind. Talk to her personally. Or contact her through phone to set up a personal meeting. (anything less than this suck)

3. don't try to act cool, but dress neat and clean and take a bath.

4. When you guys meet, tell her what your heart says.

5. be ready to get hurt, because 90 percent is she'll reject you. but do not loose hope, because she loved you. (past tense)

6. You are now a better man for having been dumped. That is the truth and that's how a man learns love. (unless you're a good observer)

Good luck. pm me or post here for updates on the status.

Above all, when you give up, that's it, but learn to do so when needed.

[ThoughtAddict]

Welp, after some searching and debating the options, I decided to send her a handwritten letter. Going to visit her was on the table for a while, but it seemed so intrusive and likely to cause an extremely emotional reaction. Frankly, it just seemed a little forceful considering the lack of contact for a year and a half, and it would take away her option to simply not see me.

So, I wrote three pages of extremely apologetic and concerned language expressing how much she has touched me. One friend who has spoken to her about me advised against it. His opinion was that her reaction is likely to be negative, as she "went cold" when I came up in conversation. Noting that he is probably correct, I dropped the letter in the mail this morning. All day I've felt a lingering sense of some emotion I can't name... midway between fear and sadness with a healthy dollop of regret and self-blame mixed in. It is a sort of sinking, depressed feeling just above my stomach combined with a lack of focus and desire to crawl into a nice, warm bed.

Today will be a day to maintain. There are too many things going on to let it affect me. Late tonight, I'll give myself more time to reflect and discuss it with my small and ever changing support group.

[Angela]

ThoughtAddict, I think that something deep inside you was telling you to express your love to this woman, and you were right on with truth, love and power to do so. It may have been a risk, and she might choose to react however she reacts, but that is her choice, and the choice you made for yourself feels really right to me and I think to you, too, doesn't it?

I think when you're 125 years old, you're not going to sit around regretting all the love you expressed throughout your life.

[magi13]

stay strong, a letter is a personal thing, especially if hand written which should be the second best option, if you couldn't see her in person and talk in front of her.

Good luck.

no regrets

[ThoughtAddict]

Originally Posted by Angela

ThoughtAddict, I think that something deep inside you was telling you to express your love to this woman, and you were right on with truth, love and power to do so. It may have been a risk, and she might choose to react however she reacts, but that is her choice, and the choice you made for yourself feels really right to me and I think to you, too, doesn't it?

I think when you're 125 years old, you're not going to sit around regretting all the love you expressed throughout your life.

You're absolutely right, Angela. Thank you for saying this, as it is good to remind myself that this emotion isn't based on the action I took. It isn't based on what I did. It is based on a long, long period of not doing it.

This friend of mine used to talk about looking around in surprise, not realizing how you got where you are... Knowing that there is a story, a narrative that connects it, but not being quite able to piece it together. She always said it filled with wonder. I feel it now, but in a rather sad way. Sorta like waking up from a deep sleep in a hotel room, looking around and not getting it, but feeling like something is wrong.

I regret not expressing this love sooner.

Part of this is a scarcity based mindset... thinking of someone as one of the few people who will just really, truly get it. Who really understood me at a core level. And a fear that I've ruined that very rare connection. But it is hard to separate the scarcity based thoughts from the very true, pure happiness and connection and its loss and my general responsibility for it. Perhaps it is just part of growing older and taking responsibility for who you are. On reflection, it aches rather than hurts, and I expect, in the more honest moments in my future, I'll still shed a tear. For now, I guess I wait, not expecting much, but hoping that at least I'll know the message was received. It is out of my hands, and I made the right decision at long last.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ThoughtAddict

I regret not expressing this love sooner.

Part of this is a scarcity based mindset... thinking of someone as one of the few people who will just really, truly get it. Who really understood me at a core level. And a fear that I've ruined that very rare connection. But it is hard to separate the scarcity based thoughts from the very true, pure happiness and connection and its loss and my general responsibility for it. Perhaps it is just part of growing older and taking responsibility for who you are. On reflection, it aches rather than hurts, and I expect, in the more honest moments in my future, I'll still shed a tear. For now, I guess I wait, not expecting much, but hoping that at least I'll know the message was received. It is out of my hands, and I made the right decision at long last.

Hey, ThoughtAddict, I would like to invite you to practice letting go of that regret, and looking at it from a perspective that you expressed your love at exactly the right time, for you, for her, and for the world.

By going through everything you went through leading up to writing your letter, you get to have the realizations and breakthroughs that you're having now and that are right up ahead, and that's perfect, isn't it?

When you said that this is a scarcity based mindset, it occurred to me that it looks also (to me) like an at-effect mindset -- like: there are a few people out there who have the innate capability of being able to completely get me, and it's tragic if one of those external opportunities slips through my fingers. Do you think you might feel better and more powerful if you were to move a bit more to the at-cause side of things? I was thinking that maybe you would, especially since the next words out of your mouth were about responsibility. You know, don't you, that you are the infinite power to communicate yourself so boldly and lovingly that anyone can totally get you, and that you are 100% responsible for that communication.

I don't know if I totally get you, but I do know that I would love to, and that I'm not alone in that.

[ThoughtAddict]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, ThoughtAddict, I would like to invite you to practice letting go of that regret, and looking at it from a perspective that you expressed your love at exactly the right time, for you, for her, and for the world.

Invitation accepted, but the directions aren't very clear. Perhaps I should've RSVPed and double checked. Mapquest didn't have directions to "letting go of regret".

By going through everything you went through leading up to writing your letter, you get to have the realizations and breakthroughs that you're having now and that are right up ahead, and that's perfect, isn't it?

It does not seem like it. Perhaps these realizations will help me grow and be better, but I caused a lot of pain to people who didn't deserve it. Being the source of that pain isn't perfect. No matter what is said or what growth I get out of this, she deserved more kindness than I gave. And while my realization of that is valuable, it does not excuse it.
Wouldn't it be dishonest of me to label this as perfect knowing the pain I caused?

Do you think you might feel better and more powerful if you were to move a bit more to the at-cause side of things? . . . You know, don't you, that you are the infinite power to communicate yourself so boldly and lovingly that anyone can totally get you, and that you are 100% responsible for that communication.

I don't know if I totally get you, but I do know that I would love to, and that I'm not alone in that.

Well, you're right. It is in my power to express myself and connect. In the past, I have had significant challenges with that. One of my other friends is an expert at connecting with people... even with complete strangers on the street. People she's met only in passing go out of their way to maintain connections with her. It has always been something I want, to be able to connect that quickly and easily. It has never come easily for me, and I'm not sure if that's just a lack of skills or a mindset that makes it more difficult.

It isn't easy for me to open up and trust people. The friend I sent the letter to got me to open up very quickly and easily. Not in some "tell you all my secrets" sort of way, but the conversation just flowed. It felt natural from the beginning. Neither of us seemed to care about impressing each other or keeping the conversation flowing... it just came. She had that effect on many people... and I haven't had another connection like it. I'm not sure how I would go about doing so. I'm not really sure I know how to be at cause in a positive way in this area of my life.

Your message made me smile, Angela.

[ThoughtAddict]

Welp, got the letter back today, returned to sender.

I've been reading a good bit of Frankl recently. His idea of the triad of human tragedies (suffering, regret, and death) as providing an opportunity for the individual to find meaning is fascinating. In this suffering or pain, I choose to find responsibility. My actions truly do matter, whether for good or ill. In this regret, I find a lesson: one should express love, and delaying in that expression is a mistake to be avoided.

I'd love to be able to take back the distance, to send through one proper apology. Unfortunately, it appears that isn't going to be possible.

[The Cloud]

You could always resend the letter. She's hurting herself as much by not communicating with you as you're hurting yourself over the same. Giving her the opportunity to let go of her hurt won't hurt anything.