Tips for dealing with in-laws coming to stay (do you have any?)

[Susanna77]

How do you deal with your in-laws when they come to see you? Do you find that your authentic self has to be put on hold while they're over?

Mine expect to:

* be with me all day;
*talk about the daughter, the cousin, the cousin's friend, the friend's cat, etc
*talk about disease and hospitals;
*won't eat (try) local food
*not interested in any sightseeing other than retail trips;

I suggested that they take a trip somewhere; go to the beautiful beach down the road. Even other people who got to know them suggested that they do SOMETHING other than being on my back.

I don't want to fall out with them but I am fed up of feeling anxious before they come and then feeling completly drained afterwards. I feel selfish for feeling this way, because it's one week only, and I should be able to handle it.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Susanna77

I don't want to fall out with them but I am fed up of feeling anxious before they come and then feeling completly drained afterwards.

You probably just need to examine your reasons for feeling anxious. Be very conscious about your position right now. Imagine the worst possible scenenario and be very honest with yourself about the worst thing that could happen. Whatever you do, don't lower your consciousness and run away from what's scaring you. Try to reasons your way through the thoughts that scare you or drain you, instead of avoiding them.

If you really don't want to spend time with your in-laws, then maybe you could give them a really strong hint about it, or simply tell them what you're thinking.

[ssandra]

same here, only with my own family, not my in-laws...

How I survive... I just put my mind on nothing and go on auto-pilot for the time being.

How my husband survives? (he likes my parents even less then I do, and they him...) He tries to stay away as much as possible.

He is there with meals, and if we would go out, but other then that he makes sure that he is away.


I strongly advice against telling them any of this. It can only lead to trouble.

Maybe ask your spouse to be there more for you, to soften the blow so to speak.

If they expect you to be with them all day, just tell them that you are very sorry, but you have some appointments that cannot be resceduled. Very important ones to do with work/the children/volunteer stuff etc.
Let your spouse take the blame for it. I´m guessing they won´t complain to you anyway, but to him or her...


But my main tip is just to sit trough it, don´t let anything hit you, and go on auto-pilot. Pretent to be somebody else...

And take the week after off as well to regain some strenght...

[timothydrake]

Just be yourself. Why fake these things? They always come back to get you. It's always so much drama. If it turns out they don't like you it isn't so bad. If everyone is mature enough to put those things aside for the people they love then that should be enough.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Do they stay in your home when they come for a visit? Perhaps you could suggest them staying in a nearby motel or B&B and ask that you all plan some activities ahead for you all to do together and that they do some things on their own as well so you can still get done what you need to do.

They're on vacation, so it's understandable to me that if they came the distance to see you, they'd want to get as much time in as possible. They most likely aren't trying to torture you for a week, even if it feels that way!

I'd probably do The Work on why it bothers me so much and go from there.

But you can take my advice with a grain of salt...I have a long-term bf so I'm very much involved with his family, but we're not married and we all live in the same city. If they're doing something I don't want to be involved in I just don't go and my bf stands up for my right to do so as I do for him with my family functions.

PS You are not selfish for feeling this way at all, but I do think that you could minimize the anxiety and the drained feeling by taking a look at your expectations. You can freely choose how you want to interact with your in-laws, regardless of what they do.

Good luck!

[Susanna77]

Originally Posted by Eric Roosevelt

You probably just need to examine your reasons for feeling anxious. Be very conscious about your position right now. Imagine the worst possible scenenario and be very honest with yourself about the worst thing that could happen. Whatever you do, don't lower your consciousness and run away from what's scaring you. Try to reasons your way through the thoughts that scare you or drain you, instead of avoiding them.

If you really don't want to spend time with your in-laws, then maybe you could give them a really strong hint about it, or simply tell them what you're thinking.

The worst possible scenario is really having no break from them other than bathroom break (which is the norm). I find myself using the bathroom quite often when they're here.

They probably mean well and want to make the most of the week with us, but I actually resent this closeness. However my husband despite feeling the same way (due to childhood issues), he doesn't want to fall out with them either. So yes, this is a fake relationship.

If by worst case scenario, you mean falling out with my mother-in-law it'd not affect me one bit (blessing comes to mind). I do like my father-in-law though (I love when he comes over to visit on his own, which hasn't happened in a while). In fact, none of us are their true selves around her which is odd. Even her own husband and son!

I honestly don't think she is a bad person; yes she is manipulating, demanding and awkward at times, but she doesn't know any better. If I ask her to bring me a magazine that interests me she brings me 5 trashy ones all pround that she got 5, for the price of the one I asked for. So I feel she doesn't really know me.

[Susanna77]

How my husband survives? (he likes my parents even less then I do, and they him...) He tries to stay away as much as possible.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Same.

He has a lot of issues with them.

I keep asking him to be around more but he can't cope and leaves me to it. The more jobs the better, he says, when they're around. Because I have a book store and my husband goes to customers houses to do reparis, he has the perfect excuse.

[Susanna77]

Originally Posted by timothydrake

Just be yourself. Why fake these things? They always come back to get you. It's always so much drama. If it turns out they don't like you it isn't so bad. If everyone is mature enough to put those things aside for the people they love then that should be enough.

I don't really care that they may not like me. But how can you tell someone to stop their constant talk about illness, gossip, soaps, and every subject under the sun you don't know or care about? I tried saying "sorry I am just finishing something here on the computer and I'll talk to you in a moment". She carries on!! Then I stop replying even when I hear "blah blah blah, you know?". Silence.

She carries on and on and on....

[Susanna77]

Do they stay in your home when they come for a visit? Perhaps you could suggest them staying in a nearby motel or B&B and ask that you all plan some activities ahead for you all to do together and that they do some things on their own as well so you can still get done what you need to do.

This is the 2nd time they stay in our place. My father-in-law has stayed more often but he's easy. The other times they stayed at hotels but still stayed in our flat until it was bedtime.

As for activities we did that for the past two years: disaster. We all ended up drained. They seem indifferent to everything. Took them on a trip to Seville and they were oblivious to the beauty around them. Only cheered up to the sight of McDonalds.

T

hey're on vacation, so it's understandable to me that if they came the distance to see you, they'd want to get as much time in as possible. They most likely aren't trying to torture you for a week, even if it feels that way!

Yes...I am sure they're not. But it sure feels that way

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Susanna77

I don't really care that they may not like me. But how can you tell someone to stop their constant talk about illness, gossip, soaps, and every subject under the sun you don't know or care about? I tried saying "sorry I am just finishing something here on the computer and I'll talk to you in a moment". She carries on!! Then I stop replying even when I hear "blah blah blah, you know?". Silence.

She carries on and on and on....

What I do with my mon.. who also just goes on and on and on and on... is stop paying attention. Or at least, just pay attention with about 0,5% of my brain, enough to know when I have to say "ok" or "uhuh"... It works great.

By far the easiest way to deal with my family is that way. Just pay attention enough, without loosing your mind.

And, if you are running a book store (LUCKY YOU, being around books all day, every day!!!!) , you have other things to do as well.

"Sorry, i´m going to have to lock myself in the bedroon tonight because I just have to finish this book. Here, you can read this or this or this, or watch tv. Enjoy!"

And tell your husband to shape up. Its his family, they are not there to see you, but him (and posisbly kids).

[Susanna77]

Originally Posted by ssandra

What I do with my mon.. who also just goes on and on and on and on... is stop paying attention. Or at least, just pay attention with about 0,5% of my brain, enough to know when I have to say "ok" or "uhuh"... It works great.

By far the easiest way to deal with my family is that way. Just pay attention enough, without loosing your mind.

And, if you are running a book store (LUCKY YOU, being around books all day, every day!!!!) , you have other things to do as well.

"Sorry, i´m going to have to lock myself in the bedroon tonight because I just have to finish this book. Here, you can read this or this or this, or watch tv. Enjoy!"

And tell your husband to shape up. Its his family, they are not there to see you, but him (and posisbly kids).

I do give her the book and I tell her I have to place an order. I don't even "uh hu" her anymore (which usually works with my mum by the way) . I just ignore even when she asks something (since she ignores my asking for a moment to finish what I am doing).

I think I tried everything in the book except for "I NEED MY SPACE, could you please go for a walk and be back later?".

That's all I have left perhaps.

[timothydrake]

Originally Posted by Susanna77

I don't really care that they may not like me. But how can you tell someone to stop their constant talk about illness, gossip, soaps, and every subject under the sun you don't know or care about? I tried saying "sorry I am just finishing something here on the computer and I'll talk to you in a moment". She carries on!! Then I stop replying even when I hear "blah blah blah, you know?". Silence.

She carries on and on and on....

Find a respectful way of telling her to shut up I know a cousin of my in-laws who has a motor mouth and talks about everything. We were at a wedding and when he came to where we were at, everyone ran away saying "Oh no he comes." I didn't know him at the time but I got into a conversation with him and I lost interest and tried to tell him with body language that I wanted to wander around and talk to other people. His mouth just kept on flapping and I got sick of it. I told him straight up. "Hey man, it was nice to know ya but you can really talk me to the ground. I respect you and all but damn I need a break." He replied "Oh I'm sorry I do that a lot." Turns out the guys that ran away heard that and started to tease him about his motor mouth. Motor mouth eventually became accepted into the family men's social group and all we have to tell him is that he's talking too much again to warn him he's going over the top. Everything worked out.

[Susanna77]

Originally Posted by timothydrake

Find a respectful way of telling her to shut up I know a cousin of my in-laws who has a motor mouth and talks about everything. We were at a wedding and when he came to where we were at, everyone ran away saying "Oh no he comes." I didn't know him at the time but I got into a conversation with him and I lost interest and tried to tell him with body language that I wanted to wander around and talk to other people. His mouth just kept on flapping and I got sick of it. I told him straight up. "Hey man, it was nice to know ya but you can really talk me to the ground. I respect you and all but damn I need a break." He replied "Oh I'm sorry I do that a lot." Turns out the guys that ran away heard that and started to tease him about his motor mouth. Motor mouth eventually became accepted into the family men's social group and all we have to tell him is that he's talking too much again to warn him he's going over the top. Everything worked out.

Ooooooooooooh loved it. Motor mouth.......Thanks for that.
I'm going to re-phrase that into "Oh sorry, I have so much in my mind I can't follow what you're saying anymore. I lost track. I need to go for a walk".

If this fails I'll use the words "motor mouth" and the "damn I need a break"...

[tintin]

im from india,and it surprises me to see someone out there,having the exact same issues as any indian housewife would have.out here its like you dont marry the guy ,you marry the 'whole family'.even if you don move into a joint family there is still a lot of pressure.

i had a very difficult mother in law.she still is.
the earlier situ.was very bad. ..uh long story short we were in an ego deadlock.

after banging my head against the wall i started following one rule.i would ONLY do say things which i want to do.not because its expected of me.
i realized,'being nice' isn gonna cut it! they just get the cue that they can walk over you.
the more i followed this the more i realized how genuinly i DID want to do things.other times..id just withdraw into my room.or go out.and not be available till evening.
oh they cribbed and tried lots of underhand tactics..complaing to th husband,throwin tantrums,general bitc*in to other relatives on the phone...
but i just came clean with myself.as in i NO LONGER wanted a reputation,NO LONGER wanted their approval,NO LONGER wanted to be 'nice'.
instead i wanted a genuine interaction away from the usual labels...
hey?talk to me as an equal,not as a person who your son has married to do your bidding.
another underlying msg was 'you have to be more than just a mother in law to earn my love and respect'
if you dont have the tradition of personal space..well i do.and id go completely crazy if i din get my bit.
earlier ,any family function ,it wass a given that we wud attend.evvvvvvry dang function!!!
and i ,wanting to be good,wud toe the line.
(btw i hate goin to these)..
later..shed say..'we gotta go to so n sos do'
n i started excusing myself.unashamedly using excuses.
grumble grumble grumble..'u don care..etc etc.'
n then id jump in with...ohh you rrrrreallly think so?is this a kind of proof that i DO care?
which wud start a very rewarding line of discussion.
but if she'd get too emotional or tantrummy id jus..withdraw but not step away from my personal rule..any action-to be followed only if i want to do it.
so id continue to care for them as if nothing happened.smilin n laughin n jus pullin em..
as a result an invisible but yet soft boundary developed.with them knowing that i 'genuinely' care.without the frills.and a kind of grudging respect that i am an individual who has her own way of living life.

things changed when i realized i want to be "good"

[Susanna77]

as a result an invisible but yet soft boundary developed.with them knowing that i 'genuinely' care.without the frills.and a kind of grudging respect that i am an individual who has her own way of living life.

Oh I loved this. It's exactly where I want to be with them. Thank you so much for sharing.

I feel better already. Nice (in a twisted kind of way) to see that there are other people out there with the same issues. I've been thinking how dare I feeling like this about people who "mean well", and are here for just a week...

[tintin]

susanna ,i wanted a more meaningful relationship free from shuds and shdnts.
its like ..who are you?and who am i?and why have we really met ?what do i have to offer you and what can i learn from you? please show me YOU sans these labels and let me show myself without any fear of rejection.
lets come together .lets dance.

[Chintu]

Originally Posted by tintin

susanna ,i wanted a more meaningful relationship free from shuds and shdnts.
its like ..who are you?and who am i?and why have we really met ?what do i have to offer you and what can i learn from you? please show me YOU sans these labels and let me show myself without any fear of rejection.
lets come together .lets dance.

I am an Indian too, born and brought up in India, married....and currently in western world.

I would use both the cultures to fix this issue.....Be loving, caring, respectful, not increasing your voice while in conversation, being diplomatic so that you dont hurt anyone, still let others know your view very clearly and decisively, not to be taken for granted, come across not as very serious person, but a little funny...

I think love, compassion, kindness, asking guidance from heart (not emotions) solves majority of the problem.....sounds so y'day but I have tried and tested it.

[phoenixxx]

Originally Posted by tintin

susanna ,i wanted a more meaningful relationship free from shuds and shdnts.
its like ..who are you?and who am i?and why have we really met ?what do i have to offer you and what can i learn from you? please show me YOU sans these labels and let me show myself without any fear of rejection.
lets come together .lets dance.

This is so true. I think it's an ideal that more people are striving for with their famillies. And there is nothing wrong with that other than it goes against social norms and what you've been brought up to believe about famillies.

I have a stepmother who has this all down pat. She follows her regular routine when visitors are around. But people respect her because when she IS around she makes sure she is genuine and honest and caring without overemphasising any of this for appearance sake.

IT is a soft boundary but a necessary one. It's hard to change your patterns if you are around very overbearing opinionated family members though.

Maybe just be honest when you are subjected to the endless gossip/illness talks etc- for eg. "I'm trying to distance myself from gossip material" or "I'm trying to stay away from fear-based influences like news of illness/disease (etc.)".

The reason people talk about these types of things is because they are avoiding meaningful connection. The social norms etc are just there as a kind of distraction from real deep connection. Maybe they haven't experienced it before and you could be the one to teach them....?

But yes, you must reach an equilibrium where you have enough time to centre and calm yourself and are able to take that state of mind into your interactions with them for the short bursts that you decide to share things with them.

Good luck!! It's something everyone needs to learn how to handle gracefully

[ns123]

It sounds like you do not enjoy having your in-laws over at all, in fact, it sounds like they are a huge burden to be dealt with. You spend all this time trying to either pretend to like them, or pretend to care. When you really don't. There is nothing wrong with feeling like that, by the way.

It sounds like they don't enjoy the same things you do. And when they come, no one has a good time because:
1. you insist on MAKING them enjoy what you enjoy
2. they insist on YOU sharing with them things THEY enjoy, but you obviously don't.

Why let them visit at all? If you really loathe them being on your back all the time, why don't you just NOT let them visit? Say you're busy and don't accept their self invitation.

If my daughter in law thought of me this way, I would refrain from annoying her with my presence.

[magi13]

get to know them before you get married with your loved one. you should know the family that you may spend the rest of your life with. also get your date to spend some time with your own family so she or he would know what he's getting into.

be responsible and you'll win your in laws.

[tintin]

eh..sorry magi13 the whole deal of 'winning over 'jus seems so..@$%^&archaic
id have preferred to say jus as you need to win em over they DO TOO!

come onnnnn shes not obliged to 1.win anyone over 2 .not rock the boat 3.keep everyone happy 4.make up for her husbands lack of communication with his parents 5.putem on a pedestal jus cos they are parents 6. twist n turn events so she can control their opinion to be a good one.
but thats jus me talkin. if she feels so then thats what she will be doin i guess.

id just plain say ditch the good girl tag.and be real.authentic.n dont be afraid if the boat rocks.

be responsible

how do you mean so?
imho it seems like a sentence rather than a choice.something which 'binds' you rather than giving you space and freedom to be who you are.self denial is an option here?

[Susanna77]

Hi guys.

Can you care about someone and yet dislike aspects of their behaviour? I care for my in-laws. They've done a lot of appalling things to us but also helped us out in another times.

I'm being selfish here. I'm not denying it. I have one single week with them and every time I freak out. I freak out because my husband gets all depressed and anxious about his mum, especially; and I get anxious because he's anxious and because she makes me feel anxious because she's always gravitating around me talking, talking, talking (must be to make up for the two years she never talked to us and we don't know why to do this day; we can only guess that it was because "I removed" her son from the country to live abroad).

I'm going to use some of the suggestions in this forum. In fact, husband and I already have.

We're sending a transfer for them and not picking them up at the airport. Sunday happens to be the only day we have off and doing an airport run doesn't suit us. They sulked for a bit but it won't do them any harm. There are tons of transfers coming here and they use them when their daugher comes over with kids, etc. So, they won't get lost.

[tintin]

thats great susanna.

one often does care even tho they may not like a person.
(you can choose your friends ,but you cant shoot your relatives)

ah dont worry about the selfishness bit,just do away with the guilt.its conditioning.of whats right and wrong.shuds n shudnts

calm down ,your freaking out is not gonna stop your husband from becoming anxious (thats his issue with his parents aint it?..wonder why you feel responsible for 'making things right' between them)and anyway youre not really helping here because you are reacting in the same way

seems like one huge cycle of guilt going on here.1st they cut you out and treat you bad n then try to make up for it.then they help you out and you feel guilty for having ill feelings for them. do you see whats happening?

your own conditioning that if you dont 'respect' parents then youre a scumbag which is in direct contrast to your actual feelings of resentment at having your privacy and life invaded.

also just see their original 'appalling thing' in perspective.jus go a bit deeper as to why?what wud prompt anyone to 'cut off'?was it a tool to control?a 'punishment' for being bad?yet another ploy that parents use to keep their kids under em?
then look further..did they feel left out and abandoned?were they feeling insecure that their son has 'chosen' his wife over THEM!
then look further..can you or your husband really offer a cure against their own feelings of..maybe growing older,fear of dying etc.,a sneaking suspicion that if they dont resort to manipulation they are actually NOT WORTH LOVING?
then look in and recognize ..that they are just looking for love,same as you.all their control drama designed just so they cud feel a bit loved.

but Susanna you can show em how to love without controlling.bullying your kids so that they love you is just not working.and that they dont need to do that in order to feel loved.
cos they will be loved anyways.

same way, bribing them by being good in order to get their approval to prove to yourself that you are good.
cos you are,anyways.
peel off the layers.underneath lies the same ol fear.
plain ol you n plain ol them.the same.

[Susanna77]

Wow Tintin...lots there to consider.

Before we moved to my country I couldn't care less about his mum to be honest; apart from all she'd done to me, and to us as a couple, I wasn't impressed with the stories my husband told me from his younger years.

Then there was the two year silence when we moved. (From mother-in-law, not my father-in-law).

One year after we moved my father died and my dad was less than perfect. Spirituality also made me more aware of how I could have handled things differently (more often than not for my own sake). I love and miss my dad terribly and this is where my perspective over my in-laws changed. I moved past the "how dare you do what you did to me", feeling.

I became, if I'm honest, quite frustrated at my husband's inability to move on. I wish I had my dad here, with faults and all. Yet I think that he's stuck in the victim role where he can't break away from them, nor can he forgive them. It's a fake relationship. Ultimately, this causes tension when they are over. It's a silent tension where they don't talk much to each other much (my husband just moves around like a ghost). They're like strangers. In fact, his mum talks to me more than to him...

Oh this is a very screwed up relationship. At the end of the day, if you don't cry you just gotta laugh at the whole thing.

[Susanna77]

maybe growing older,fear of dying etc.,a sneaking suspicion that if they dont resort to manipulation they are actually NOT WORTH LOVING?

I'm sure about the manipulation bit. If we forget to send a card, or if my husband doesn't ring them in a while, they start talking about hospital visits, faint spells, and things alike. Which is quite obvious. The thing is, if they are ever REALLY ill will we be believe them?

I think you're right: they are terrified about not being loved. For example, they took over the upbringing of their grandchildren. How? She keeps telling my sister-in-law what a poor mum she is, how she can't do anything or know how to look after her own daughters, etc. Then she moans about having to do EVERYTHING. Last time they were over I pointed out "you have to stop doing everything and let the parents take over. If you don't do it, they'll do it". My father-in-law just replied "I don't want to talk about it because it upsets me". And he left. But my mother-in-law is proud that the kids want to be with them all the time, etc.

I'm sorry for them because despite having a huge family they don't get along with anybody. Except us.... (fake relation)

[Susanna77]

It's today.

In two hours they'll be here.

I'm full of good intentions: I intend to be peaceful and authentic.
I'll refer back to this thread during the week, no doubt.

[ssandra]

I wish you all the luck, peace and patience...

I´ll be thinking of you.

Good luck!