Heartbroken, In Pain and Very Sad

[passionfruit]

One Love Everyone:

Please help me gain some perspective on my situation. I am heartbroken and in so much pain. Yes, the sun is in Pisces and so my emotions are right up front right now. I want to cry because I cannot understand why I am in so much pain. My heart is broken and I am sad and mad as hell. How can I be in love with people who couldn't care less about me?

I don't understand how this is possible at all. How can one fall for people who don't feel the same way at all? I always believed myself to be at least sense-sical about most things. I wouldn't call myself rational per se but I do try to make sense most times. My life is not traditional but most people who lived that "straight" and narrow path are finding themselves on the fringes now. So I am glad that I didn't believe in the "traditional" and that I didn't follow the pack and conform. I can think for myself and I am a free spirit. ( At least I have strived to be). So that's why I am baffled by my feelings for these 2 people who are so cruel and mean to me. They won't even respond to my emails even during my most painful moments.

It's like falling for movie stars or superstars who are used to adoring fans even stalkers at times. At least that's how I am made to feel. I know that there are bach flower remedies that can help me and I do plan to get some asap. (when I get the money) until then I am suffering a great deal with no one to help me see the light.

I am confused and angry about this situation. I feel that even if these people ever change their minds and suddenly want a relationship with me I could never trust them or forgive them for mistreating me as they have these past few years. Am I right to feel this way or am I being wishful and resentful. I want to move on and put this energy to good use loving other people and other things like my work, my life and my art.

I would like some insight into what these feelings represent and what spiritual message the cosmic universe is trying to convey to me.

Thank you.

[iiswhiob]

quit being to hard on yourself...time is the answer to everything...
I do feel your pain though, I just lost someone and it seems as if they don't care anymore, yet they begged and pleaded for me to care for them, and when I heard them out and got to where they wanted they left. So it's just life. Maybe you're expecting too much from people, they're just human.
Don't focus on it. I know it's very hard, but again time will take care of it.

[lisamelinda]

i'm so sorry, i'm also in love with someone who doesn't want me around. it's incredibly hard. i'm trying to focus on the good that is coming out of it - i will be a much better person to be with in my next relationship! It is weird though, one would think love would somehow balance. I think it does have value, even if it's not reciprocated. I'm not sure i would even trade it, because it's pretty special.

[rose A]

one would think love would somehow balance. I think it does have value, even if it's not reciprocated. I'm not sure i would even trade it, because it's pretty special.

If you know you did your best, then that is all you can do. If you can honestly look at the relationship, and see if there were things that you did to hurt that relationship. Then be honest with your self and learn from that experience. Then you will be better in your next relationship.

[stealth87]

You won't succeed at everything you do. Everyone experiences pain and some kind of heartbreak in their lives. You are not alone. Not everyone will love you or will approve of you. You have to be OK with this.

As painful as it is, you have to honor your feelings and allow them to just be. You are OK to feel this way, and there is no need to stress about getting it over as soon as possible.

The quickest solution in my book to get over a heartbreak, is to watch out for my needs. I take adequate rest, workout, eat well, play sports, hang out with friends, cry, express my feelings, etc. It takes you away from the victim role of being wronged, and gives you power to meet your basic needs.

Keep in mind that there are people out there who would love you just as you are, complete and whole, including the darkest and meanest sides of you. Take it for what it is, but this might be a sign of the Universe aligning something more congruent to what you truly desire.

[Honeywith4bees]

I am sorry that you are feeling pain right now, I know that with time, it will fade. The only word of advice that I have that hasn't already been offered, is that maybe you could try to find the lesson in this loss. It's been said that the relationships that precede the most growth, are often times the most painful. You will be ok.

With love,

[passionfruit]

Thank you so much everyone for all of your honest and kind and compassionate response. I agree that time will help in the healing process. And that there is a lot to learn from this experience. I also would like to focus my energy on doing other things too to help in the process. I'd like to read, write, dance and internet more.

Blessings and Peace everyone.

[RubberDuck]

You have to stop the wanting..... second you have to quit fighting your feelings, it only makes them stronger by feeding them. Accept your feelings 100% no matter how unwanted they are... The baloon will pop and you can then release these feelings.

It is okay to love someone who does not feel the same about you. Set aside a small space in your heart and reserve that space for this person, but stop the desire for wanting specific things to happen!

The real problem is probably that you feel incomplete without this person, guess what, you are not Get in touch with the true inner you, and good things will begin happening...

Take care,
RD

[passionfruit]

RD:

I wish I could just cry it out but it doesn't feel right at all. Sometimes I feel so sad about it you know because it's unrequited love and socially unacceptable (at least to the mainstream). I am not looking for these people to do anything with me or for me per se it's just a yearning to be with them. I would prefer to feel simple loneliness but I yearn to be with them and that is the problem-they don't want to be with me.
Of course it bothers my self esteem the most but I am hopeful and optimistic that this remedy itself and the feelings will go away when I am able to get professional help. I pray a lot and I have great faith but it hasn't help me so far in this situation. It's been years now since I felt this way and it seems to intensify more and more.
Thanks again for reading this thread and making nice comments.

[RubberDuck]

Passionfruit,

I still think you are fighting your feelings because you find them socially unacceptable, can't you just accept that you have these feelings? You don't need them to go away, they are just feelings..

You say you pray a lot, but what are you praying for? The best prayer is simply to pray for the right thing to happen, no matter what it is. Don't get in the way of destiny.

If you feel that you need help, The Sedona Method course is a very effective tool to help you deal with these issues. ( Sedona Method (official site) The Secret self-help program; self-improvement technique )

RD

[rose A]

I am not looking for these people to do anything with me or for me per se it's just a yearning to be with them. I would prefer to feel simple loneliness but I yearn to be with them and that is the problem-they don't want to be with me.

you are talking about some kind of group that is rejecting you? If this is the case, then I would get your mind wrapped around that then it wasn't meant for you to be with these people. It might become clear to you in a year, or next month, but try and accept that this rejection is happening to you for a reason.

[jokerman]

I've had a similar experience, as have many. Of course, everyone's heartbreak is a unique tragedy. To me, it's a bit of an unresolvable situation, a paradox of the heart that may not have an answer. Honestly, there may be nothing you can or should do to feel better, or to make sense of it. You have to allow yourself to be hurt, and sick, and perhaps a part of you must die for the rest of you to survive. However, in that death may be a rebirth. It can be healthy to practice letting go of your expectations for recovery, and instead be fully present for your suffering as you would for a relative or friend who is dying. Just be there, and feel openly the fullness of your pain. To be in love is to be in another world, and to be unrequited can feel like excommunication. I can only advise that you take this opportunity to listen kindly to your pain and let it express itself wholeheartedly. Be present for your own death, and make fear your friend.

[passionfruit]

Thank you again:

I find all of the responses very kind indeed. I realize that I do need to learn acceptance of failure and of not having my feelings reciprocated. I have to learn to give in to the pain as some suggest and to listen to it. I just feel like I'm falling into an unknown abyss of some kind. It feels ridiculous really. My feelings for this couple is socially unacceptable and this is probably part of why they too want nothing to do with me. I've been waiting for the feelings to go away now for close to 5 years and they haven't. I will check out the site recommended and hope for other options.
You know in many ways, I pray about the situation because I want to be healed and I have no other way of healing myself right now. In other words, I cannot afford healthcare that would enable me to heal. So, I try to hypnotise myself through prayer and meditation to move away from this destructive situation and move on. Yes, it's like a death of some kind. I am watching a part of myself die in some ways. I guess that this would be the part of me that believes in magic and wonder. I never thought that I would feel this way about folks who don't feel the same as well. To be truthful, I am fighting like mad for that part of me who believes in magic and miracles not to die at all. I want her to be determined and to become stronger as a result of this experience.
But when I think of death and rebirth I recall something a friend in college who studied photography once told me. She said that the change in the tree leaves that occurs between the Fall and Winter season is a kind of death. See, I had been observing the New England phenoma with wonder and joy. I thought that the colors were beautiful-maroons, burnt organge, yellow and all shades in between sing joy and happiness to me. But she was right, the old green leaves died they changed to other colors that were beautiful but signaled the end of one season and the beginning of another.
My feelings for these people was the beginning of freedom for me in the sense that I finally began to understand what being in love was really like. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. And it has been a great and freeing experience. For the first time, I feel like I am in love! Go figure!
Best to all.

[RubberDuck]

Passionfruit,

I actually think that your feelings might be the result of you imagining a way out of your current life situation, through this virtual escape route.

You have everything you need within you, you are a complete person as you are. Until you realize this, things will be difficult.

Do not analyze yourself over and over, the only reason that people analyze their problems, is that they want to repeat them

Give your mind some peace...

RD

[passionfruit]

Thanks RD:

For the "analysis" of my situation and feelings. Actually, I am not sure how becoming involved romantically with 2 new people would help my situation. NRE is fun and exciting but it's also a lot of work. I am not at all trying to escape from my situation in fact I was trying to get help to figure out how to cope and to remove myself and my children from a bad situation.
I am still trying to figure out why and how I began to have these feelings for people who not are so different from me and who don't feel the same way at all. It hurts like hell and I feel humiliated and very depressed about the whole thing. Suffice it to say that there have been lots of stories told about unrequited love and so on. I am not the first person to find herself in this situation. The pain is so great and awful that I wish I were the last but I know that this is not possible.
I am trying to figure this thing out as best as I could so that I won't fall in that trap again!
I would like to protect myself and love myself for who I am no matter my shortcomings. The people for whom I have such deep feelings are in my view shallow and cold hearted because of how they've chosen to ignore me. Furthermore, to be truthful, I want to fall out of love with them because they have shown me a side of themselves that I find repulsive.
Best.

[RubberDuck]

Passionfruit:

Could you stop wanting to figure out why you are in this situation? It really serves no useful purpose at all...

How can figuring it out help you to avoid a similar situation in the future? It will have just the opposite effect and give you an excuse to act in a specific way, when certain buttons are pressed...

You just need to let it go, can you do that? Would you like to do that? When?

RD

[sadsad]

Hello Everyone,

sorry passionfruit,i use this reply,but i dont mean to give advise to you.
i have my question too,I already submit in Ask Erin Q & A Form,is it correct?
b/c i checked there's no my post (question) in the forum.
I submit my question yesterday,and when sign in ,it always says that i never post anything.
Pls help me,im wondering if i submit in the wrong form?

thank you
sadsad

[handle]

Hi Passionfruit,

I have been told by more than one source that we will often keep putting ourselves in these situations & making the same mistakes over & over until we learn the lesson we were meant to learn from them. I have been on either side of your equation. No matter which side you are on it is not easy. Do something for yourself to honour who you are. Put yourself first. You may just need to cut all ties with these people. I have a quote that I always keep displayed in my own home that basically says that the right person for you will never make you feel bad about yourself. & looking back it is great advice to listen to

[passionfruit]

Hey everyone!

I haven't posted in a long while because I really didn't have access to the internet. I experienced serious housing issues since March and now me and my children are relatively stable so we have a computer and the net back at home. Anyway, I turned 40 about 3 weeks ago and I am so happy and proud that I made it this far. I am especially proud of the fact that I haven't written to that couple that I am so infatuated/think I'm in love with/obsessed with. They never write back. I get a stern response about once a year and it just leaves me feeling more needy. I have had access to the net at the local libraries and hotels where we've stayed but I haven't bothered to write to them at all. And I used to send them so many emails everyday! It made me feel like an internet stalker. I am so proud of that. I am outgrowing a part of the fantasy relationship and it makes me feel like I am moving on.
Spiritually, I have done a lot of divination about this situation and the tarot cards and stichomancy readings and bibliomancy stuff always tell me that they too want a relationship with me and that a baby will be born. I think that they've been married for over a dozen years I know that the husband is about 2 years older than me and I have pictures of them from stuff that they've posted about their activities on the net. I look at the pictures and they make "horny" and needy and I feel so frustruated.
I have no release, I would love to smoke pot and hash or eat mushrooms but I have no money and with my poverty situation I'm affraid that this sort of activity would jeopardize my welfare benefits and my shelter and could cause me to lose my children. I am working on getting some flower essences or bach flower remedies and some spiritual/psychic healing. Still no money to do any of those so I stick to the free stuff on facadetarot.com and stichomancy.com. They're great, except that I am getting positive responses but no real concrete stuff from the couple who I have these feelings for.
Recently, I met someone and I wanted to have a quick one night stand. I didn't know how or where we would do it but I just wanted the sex and the bonding. It didn't happen and I know that it would have made me yearn for the couple even more.
They have a radio show on the air and I have never really been able to listen to it on the net. This past sunday I managed to get through and the wife was on and her voice and her tone scared me. She sounded so stern and tough and I was so intimidated and I thought that it would make the feelings go away but it didn't. I'm back to the fantasies and the yearning. But thank goodness I have not written.
I really felt like a stalker especially when I wrote really graphic details about the sex I fantasized about having with them. I know that deep in my heart they don't want anything to do with me because of my financial situation. And I have real problems with that because I am facing hardship because I don't have anyone to help me with my kids for childcare and other stuff. This also makes me feel that I could never really trust them because they couldn't accept me in poverty and poor health.
I am not feeling my best right now at all. Tomorrow's full moon is wrecking havoc with my hormones especially since I am in the ovulation phase of my cycle. I am mad as hell that my sexuality is not valued in society. And I need more validation about my spirituality. I have had dozens of dreams where I see myself interacting with them on some level. Me and my children had the pleasure of staying in this commune during our journey through homelessness. I was enthralled with how folks who barely knew each other could pool all of their resources together for the benefit of the whole. And yet, this couple who are seemingly smart activist folks cannot and will not even discuss this kind of living with me simply because they want to hold on to social norms.
Frankly, I think that we all have a lot to learn about compersion and not feeling jealous. I called their house once about 3 and a half years ago and the wife answered the phone. (I was thinking about moving to their part of North America and I had written to the husband and he sent me his number and told me to call.) She sounded so cold and closed. She barely wanted to talk to me and this made me so depressed. I couldn't believe that she was so threatened/disgusted or mad at me that she shut down communication. I know some very sophisticated people who just let it out and they seem to get along much better than most in life.
I wish that they would talk to me but since they probably don't have anything good or meaningful to say to me it is probably best that they don't. I also wish that I could stop feeling this way about them but i've been waiting for that for almost 4 years now. I don't know how to move on.
I wish that I could meet other people. I want to move on I hate the feelings that I have for these people and they make me feel so badly about myself. I don't like the way that they've treated me through this thing and although I would like to understand their position I cannot accept it at all. It goes against everything that I know to be true and that I hold sacred. I would really like to believe that if there was real and pure love between them they would have attempted to communicate with me about this ordeal. Instead, the husband responds to some of my old emails by posting innuendos and teasers on the forum where I met them about 5 years ago.
I would appreciate any insight or words of wisdom about my problem and I look forward to communicating with everyone about polyamory and sexuality and compersion and so forth.
take care and thanks in advance for reading this long post.

[votoshka]

I am wondering how this couple you are in love with feel about polyamory? Have they been involved in that sort of relationship before? I ask because honestly, I know a lot of couples who would be freaked out by someone who wanted to enter that sort of relationship with them!

I wish I could offer you more help! I do understand the pain and heartache of rejection and how difficult it is to get over, and I hope you manage to get over this couple and find real love for yourself!

[passionfruit]

Thank you so much for your kind concern and thoughtful reply. It was downright honest. I really think that the problem is that polyamory freaks them out! Yeah, we've all been sucked into so-called normalcy by being forced to accept heterosexuality and monogamy. And look at all the problems that we face now in our society. The heart of the Western world, the US has the highest divorce rate in the world! Go figure, we control the largest amount of money and weapons yet we cannot manage our love lives and relationships. Most importantly, we can't make them last! This tells me that something is seriously wrong somewhere.

You know I learned by studying social science that sex and money are the 2 most common reasons why folks divorce. And also that divorce is relatively rare amongst Muslims (where men are allowed up to 4 wives) and with some other indigenous peoples who practive other forms of love relationships. I am astounded by how folks in this country and elsewhere particularly in the Wetern world hold monogamy and marriage as somekind of hallmark of civilization.

For most folks, a marriage symbolizes the culmination of a life's dream (that's probably why most folks spend so much on their weddings). And unfortunately, it's all a show usually for the partners who get to showcase their new acquisations. They are asset conscious and want to tell the world that look here's my latest claim. When in reality we should be asking more questions about love and how the new relationships can help us further our understanding about love, intimacy, sex, love making, reproduction etc. and of course money too.

Polyamory is not so strange, we all know that pooling our resources in any way whether it's finances or emotional or physical efforts help to make stronger individuals and builds or fosters better and healthier communities and people. Still, under the capitalism practiced in the West and adopted in many other nation states many are forced to oblige by adopting monogamy as an ideal. And by working alone and by being focused on individual success and happinness. The thing is that we don't share and we are told that we shouldn't share especially the things that we love or hold sacred. It's a sad state of affairs and we should really learn to change. During my ordeal this past year I am grateful to have learned to be more generous in every way and I am so proud of my growth in that realm. Unfortunately, many are not yet ready to take that step. It seems risky and tasking and they fear being alienated from friends and family who would reject their choice and new lifestyle even though it would most likely be beneficial to them in every way.

I personally don't feel much love or happinness from the couple per se. I mean I don't feel that they have that exciting romantic love that many of the poly couples that I read about on the net and in the news seem to share. They have a working marriage. Often it is at this point that many would be poly couples decide to make the transition and open up about their deepest wishes and desires. I know that they each may be curious about having the kind of relationship that I am asking them to have with me. But they have a right to be concern about the risk that this would mean to their lives.

I'm just shocked that such smart, beautiful, aware and active people are so behind the times! My bad times have forced me to seek truths in every place and I know that had I been in a poly relationship with a couple like the one that I am seeking to be with me and my children would have not faced the hardships that we did. The hard times would have been fewer and far in between and we would have had folks to go through it with.

I am still hopeful that once my situation improves they will feel encouraged to begin communicating with me regularly and perhaps even start considering my proposal. Still, I am seriously hurt by their rejection. And I feel humiliated and so sad about this whole thing. I can't believe that I'm in love with people who barely think about me or think that I'm worthy of any kind of response. I am taking small steps to stop this traumatic situation. I have stopped sending them emails but my fantasies about them continue. It does make me feel suicidal at times but I am glad that I have my faith to help me through.

Looking forward to more responses about this.

[passionfruit]

Thanks again V:

I don't know whether the couple has been in that sort or kind of relationship before. Frankly, I don't think so but I would be hard pressed if the husband has not been approached or thought about relations with other women. I know that they are probably freaked out but I was honest with them and told them how I felt. I am so thankful that there is so much information about polyamory on the net and in the news so they can easily access the stuff just like I do.
I would like to become more of an activist in the poly community and also to participate in the conferences and so forth. Still, I wish that I could stop feeling like this about them .

Thanks again.

[Indiana]

Could you just clarify a couple of things?

Do you know this couple at all personally? Or did you hear them on the radio, feel something for them, find out about them and begin approaching them in the hope of beginning a relationship?

If you have not met them, why do think they have any interest in pursuing a relationship, since they have told you sternly several times they are not interested, and do not contact you of their own accord? Do you think they are encouraging you to stay in contact in other ways that might not be usual or obvious to everyone?

[votoshka]

Passionfruit, at least you know that in some ways you have given this couple information about another way of living... maybe one day they will be more receptive to a polyamorous relationship!

Personally, I haven't been in a polyamorous relationship, although I did have a discussion about it with my husband a few months ago. Honestly, I am not sure how I would deal with it... it seems ideal in some ways, but I am not sure I am quite developed enough to be able to deal with potential jealousy etc.

It is a tricky situation but I wish you the best of luck finding your ideal outcome!

[passionfruit]

One Love all:

Indiana:

I do not know this couple personally at all. I don't think that I've ever socialized with them in any way per se. However, I attended a conference in 1999 and I believe that I was acquainted with them at that time. They refuse to answer my questions about whether it was really them that I met that day. My memory eludes me. I became more acquainted with them on a forum on which we all contributed about 5 years ago. I've only listened to their radio show a few times. It's available on the net but I have only been able to listen a couple of times due to software issues.
I have gotten some feeling from some posts by the husband that he is open minded. He's never said anything about wanting to have a relationship with me. That part has all been me. I approached him and told him my feelings. They haven't done too much to encourage me at all.
In many ways it's been a real spiritual and cosmic kind of affair. I have had dreams about interacting with them in some future part of my life. I have also sometimes felt them close to me. Those parts are ways that my sub conscious mind is trying to tell me stuff I guess.
Like I've said, I would be too happy to let go of the feelings except that I have not been able to no matter what I've tried. I need professional help. I called many therapist who think they can help but I have to get my insurance stuff straightened out.
I am sorry that I ever bothered them at all I really don't mean to mess up their pristine life at all in any way.

V:

Thanks for pointing that out that I would have at least lead them to learn about polyamory. The thing about jealousy is that it can be easily overcome with work and commitment. Mostly love is what heals these situations. One great website that deals with these issues is practicalpolyamory.com The woman is a great teacher and healer and committed activists for polyamory and I am hoping to go learn from her when she lectures soon in my part of town.
The poly community has a lot to teach people and I know that we'll have to change in order to move on to better and richer lives.

Best.

[passionfruit]

V:

The correct address for the website is practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com

Thanks.

[Indiana]

Okay, Passionfruit, I'm going to try to say this as gently as I can, but it may be difficult for you to hear, so please bear with me.

I think it is a VERY good thing that you are trying to move away from your feelings about this couple, and that you have ceased contacting them.

It's like falling for movie stars or superstars who are used to adoring fans even stalkers at times. At least that's how I am made to feel.

And I used to send them so many emails everyday! It made me feel like an internet stalker.

You obviously realise to some degree, although not entirely, that your relationship to these people is a complete fantasy.

You've never met them. They have rejected your advances at every opportunity. They have never given any direct suggestion that they are open to a polyamorous relationship, or even if they were, that they have any specific interest in you as a partner.

I think you probably recognise this on some level, but you are still in denial for the most part.

Let me be clear. The reason that your obsession with this couple leaves you feeling like a stalker is because, by any objective measure, that is what you are.

I am sorry to have to say that. I believe you are a good person and that your attraction to this couple is sincere. But after five years of pursuing a relationship that does not exist on any level, you have to stop disillusioning yourself. They do not want a relationship with you and are not going to change their minds. The encouragement you have received through bibliomancy/dreams is only your own mind attempting to find justification for continuing your advances.

Honestly, although I understand that you have never made physical threats to them and no doubt think you would never hurt them, I think you are lucky they have not pursued a restraining order against you.

I think for your own health and self-esteem, you need to totally separate yourself from this fantasy relationship and commit to never contacting the couple again. I also think you would be best to seek professional help for this.

Again. You seem like a good and loving person and you have obviously made a lot of clear-headed decisions in your life to benefit yourself and your children. However in this particular area, I think you have been so emotionally involved over such a long time that you can no longer see clearly.

I encourage you to seek help for your own, and your children's long-term health and happiness.

[JSB]

Originally Posted by passionfruit

...
I really think that the problem is that polyamory freaks them out! Yeah, we've all been sucked into so-called normalcy by being forced to accept heterosexuality and monogamy.
...

Hi Passionfruit,

You seem to be interested in a relationship with a couple who isn't poly. The fact is, many people don't feel forced to accept monogamy; many people feel that monogamy is right for them and their relationship.

Our society isn't very accepting of polyamory, and it is still looked down upon by many people. I disagree with these judgments because I believe that all people should be allowed to freely choose the relationships that best support them in their lives. However, isn't it possible that by criticizing their choice of monogamy, you are judging them too harshly, just as others may judge the choice to be poly too harshly? What if poly isn't right for them? What if they are happy and content as they are? Isn't it their right to freely choose the type of relationship that is best for them in their lives?

I am very sorry for your pain, and I wish healing for you, and peace in your heart. I know it must be terribly hard to hear, but this couple is not available for a relationship; they never were, and there is no reason to believe they ever will be.

There are others who are available and open; if you can find others with whom to connect, you can end your suffering and find happiness in a real relationship.

All the best to you and your children.

[passionfruit]

Thanks again to both Indiana and F for your thoughtful replies. I read your ideas carefully and I agree wholeheartedly so now can you help me figure out why I feel this way about folks that I have never met. And more importantly, they are so different from me. I have completely different values, political beliefs and lifestyle from them.
Someone once told me that the people that you attract reflect where you are in that particular time in your life. And I am still trying in vain to figure out why them? They are in many ways opposite to what I am and I thought that I was smarter than that. I have never really tried to be with people who did not feel the same on some level. And that's true for all of the intimate relationships that I've had. Granted, they have not lasted nor have they been healthy (reason why they didn't last thank goodness) but they were embarked upon based on mutual attraction.
I am seeking help, and unfortunately none is available for free. I especially targeted emotional workers with and alternative treatment method but they cost the most and they don't usually accept medicaid or state supplied health insurance. So here I am on the net, I have explained this situation to folks on this forum in full details and I am still hoping that someone comes up with a solution that will help me tremendously.
You know it's almost like a serious addiction of sorts. Of course I am so proud of myself for not writing back to them. It was the best 40th birthday present I could have given to myself. I feel proud and blessed. At the same time the fantasies continue and I really don't know how to stop them at all.
One of the health care workers that I contacted about a year ago advised me not to become involved in any way (sexually) with anyone because it would make the pain worse. I thought that she was coming off the deep end for giving me that advice since I knew in my heart that there was no way I could possibly get involved with anyone for that matter there was no one to get involved with where we were. But a year later I am rethinking that because I am in a totally different place now and I am meeting new people who are more like me.
I need to go to some recovery program. I can't seem to stop cold turkey and I need to understand what brought these feelings and and what motivates me to keep feeling like this.
Thanks again for any thoughts.