When do you give up on the girl?

[scott1324]

This is my first time visiting/posting, on this forum, so bare with me.

I need some advice.

Me and my fiancee' recently seperated (about 3 months ago). We were together for a little over 3 years and engaged for 2 years. We made about every mistake in the relationship possible. We used to drink every night together, we worked together, and spent every waking minute together.

I also have a 6 year old son in the middle of all this, from a previous relationship. She played the mommy role for 3 years as well.

She developed an eating disorder and became obsessed with diet and exercise. I became so frustrated in our situation and we began to fight alot. I hate to admit it but I became verbally abusive.

A little over a year ago I quit drinking, which helped considerably, but she still drinks 2 bottles of wine every night and still is obsessed with exercise and food. She became very distant and it became a toxic relationship, and our negativity began to feed off eachother.

It's no wonder it failed and she moved back to her parents.

About 2 months after being seperated, but still seeing eachother, I finally became fed up with the way the relationship was, and packed up all her stuff and told her goodbye. We didn't talk for over a week and then bumped into eachother. We said the I love you's and hugs and at that point I realized I was totally still in love with the girl, even though she was a mess.

I was still a mess myself and was smoking marijuana at night, and was taking vicodins for my back. I realized I was hooked on both, and decided if I was going to attempt to salvage this relationship, I really needed to make some changes. So I did. I took myself off the vicodins (went through physical withdrawls for over 2 weeks) and quit smoking pot. I also started exercising daily and started reading every night about anger management, cognitive behavioral therapy, control issues, you name it, I researched it. I also did a few therapy sessions.

I thought if I really turned myself around, I could make this work.

I know she needs help, however you can't force people to change, and that was part of our demise in the first place. I tried to change her, and discourage her behavior. I have come to accept her at this point. The good and the bad. I am still in love with her, and hope that some day she will straighten up like I did. Even if she didn't straighten up, I would still let her come home tomorrow, because I am still totally in love with her.

It's been a month now, since I have turned myself around, and done everything in my power to reconcile the relationship. We have made a great deal of progress, and still see eachother a few times a week. We stayed at a really nice suite on Valentines day, and she is coming to stay the night on Saturday.

She is not contributing the same effort, into salvaging the relationship that I am, however. I would say it's about 90/10 at this point. I bend over backwards to try to do things to get things back to the way they were, but she on the other hand, doesnt seem to be applying much effort. She will tell me she is going to come by and see me, for an hour or so, and then she decides she would rather just stay home. I send her emails and she doesn't respond half the time. If I send texts it sometimes takes her 1-2 hours to respond, and they are 2-3 word responses. When I ask her if I am wasting my time and if I should just walk away, she tells me everything I want to here and insists that if she didn't want to work it out, she wouldn't be going to dinner, and coming over, and spending valentines day with me. Which is a good point. When it's truly over, people set the boundaries in place.

I thought it was over. When we saw eachother the spark was back (for me) but I am on an emotional roller coaster everyday. She has the ability to make me so high, by just coming by or calling or saying I love you, yet when she doesn't come over when she says she is going to, or doesn't return my texts or emails, I get lower than I have ever felt.

I don't know what to do at this point.

I don't know if I am wanting to run before we can crawl and if I should try harder to be patient, or if I should cut my losses and run like hell.

Deep down I know she has issues that need resolved before our relationship can be totally healthy. That's the head talking. The heart doesn't care. The heart just wants her back and will accept the good with the bad, in hopes she will eventually come around, and thank me for not giving up one her.

I don't think I can continue this much longer, and I really need some advice.

If she doesn't start contributing the same amount of effort as myself, I am going to have to give up and walk away.

My sons mom left him, and he still sees this girl as his makeshift mommy.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE!!!!!!

[Realization Seeker]

Dear scott1234;

At first we have to admit that everything is (can be) temporary... From this moment on, we may be alone for the rest of our lives (for example, due to an earthquake)...

Get up scott... GET UP!!!

You are so powerful; you are the creator; and not the victim... You are the one who will straight up everything...

Woman carries the egg... They need powerful men... (pls dont regard this idea as a simple anthropological reduction; its simple, but true)...

Scott... On the other hand, you are not gonna be alone... You deserve the miraculous loves...

Prepare yourself for loneliness; however after you did that, you'll see that it's impossible... The universe will see the power within you... And your girlfriend too... And the others too...

You are the power to change everything... You don't need advice... You said you changed your habits (what a miracle already)... I can sense your power...

I can sense that you have to power to whip your girlfriend (not physically; pls remember Nietzsche... )

[shakra]

Hi..

I feel for you..

A lot of the stuff you said I can directly relate to..

I'm going through a similar thing myself with my partner of 10 years.

I too feel like I bend over backwards to try and make things work.. and the communication stuff.. like emails and texts.. I get the same types of responses..

It hurts so much to put all this effort in and get nothing back...

I dont know what else to say... except that I completely empathize with you..


try and stay as positive and happy as you can!

All the best..

I'm here if you want to vent! ..

[Trey Baird]

Just like a drug, loving feelings can be addictive. We can go through real withdrawal symptoms when a relationship ends in a way that we don't want it to. One of my relationships left me in a state of mind that I hated, and I realized that I was dependent on my ex-relationship.

When you allow yourself to get high hopes about CONTINUING the relationship, it is as if you are going right back to the drug.

The solution is to end these feelings, which will leave a void in your heart. This is natural, because you were addicted to these feelings. They kept you running. You must fill this void with something else, immediately. Trade one addiction for another if you must, but you need fulfillment in whatever way you can find.

After a while, you will be able to look back, and wonder why you felt the way that you did. Love is not rational, and once you get out of its clutches, you'll see how it distorted your thoughts.

At this point, if you decide to START OVER with this girl, that's your choice completely. But at this point, you'll be able to go into it with a calm and cool mindset.

[azzyboo]

Scott, my heart goes out to you but unfortunately I am just not very good with advice especially where relationships are concerned. So I will just say what I feel.

You are at a place in your life right now where you have sorted out your life, got rid of most bad habits and are now living healthier in general. Looks like you just have one bad habit to kick ( sorry to be blunt ) yes your lady friend.

You have a six year old son , imo this is where you should focus all your new found enthusiasm for life, he will benefit from you being healthy and not smoking pot etc so that is fantastic. You are doing a great job being dad and mum.

Just focus on what you have in your life that is wonderful right now and that is your relationship with your son, maybe tell the lady in question that she needs to go and sort herself out by herself as you now need to focus on your son, that might be what she needs.

Remember your son loves you unconditionally, what is more rewarding than that.

[cacheborn]

Hey scott,
my heart goes out to you for what you have been through. I am not sure what advice to give except to say try to be positive. Iknow it sounds a cliche but it is true. I admire you very much for the way you have come back from rock bottom. I wish you the best.

[Nellyo99]

I agree with azzyboo.

You've done a great thing in turning your life around.
You should focus on your son right now and tell her to sort her self out.
Then if she manages that you'll be in a better position to make a relationship out of it rather than have your efforts wasted.

I feel for you man, good luck and let us know how things turn out.

[DayInTheLife]

I would ask myself this question: Would I still be with her if I knew she would never change?


If not, you should end this relationship completely, IMHO. If love is not unconditional, it is guaranteed suffering for both parties (and any kids involved!) No matter how much you love her, an alcoholic with an eating disorder evidently has a lot of deep-seated difficulty with life in general, and cannot reasonably be expected to change.

As somebody who fell in love with someone with serious problems, I can tell you that ending the relationship was 100% necessary for me to be happy and find a life I like. Depending on somebody else to change is a recipe for misery.

It is a difficult truth for many of us to accept, but some people, for whatever reason, thrive on pain and conflict and will cause perpetual trouble for whoever they are with. They may still be otherwise wonderful people, that's why it's so difficult to swallow. People can change, but you cannot let yourself count on that possibility.

If your child is already attached to her, he is better off breaking that attachment now than living in a household of constant tension and conflict.

If you have only recently straightened yourself out, I think you'd benefit from spending at least a year or two single. I think people tend to grow much more when they are on their own.

[Mr_A]

ey Scott

I’m gonna be blunt with you. You don't understand women. You don’t know how to love a woman

Your woman needs a man she can express unconditionally to, no matter the emotion. Be it Love, fear, compassion, anger. But let me guess she expresses fear, and anger to you and you get verbally abusive. She knows she can’t express herself to you unconditionally so she goes to the 'drink' to numb herself.

When a feminine energy gets angry she is just testing your strength as a man and the strength of your navigation skills. The feminine emotion of anger is almost always a test of love.

It goes back to when we were cave men and women Scott. Cave men would scare away hungry lion, tigers and bears and Cave women would nurture the children. Now the Cave woman needed to know that her cave man would not leave her, if he did leave her she would be left to the lion, tigers and bears. She needed to know that he would always be there to scare away the lion, tigers and bears. So guess what she did. She tested his love for her by trying to tear him down with her words and if he stood there loving her after her abuse she knew she would not leave her.

I know this is a massive generalisation, but it gets the point across that the feminine energy grows and flows with unconditional express.

Now how does a masculine energy love the feminine energy?
By knowing his purpose in life, knowing his direction in left, and having unshakable love for his woman. Your Purpose has to be independent of your woman, you can not be dependant on her love, let me explain. This would mean she is supporting you with her love and this would mean she can not express herself unconditional without you getting hurt. And remember the feminine energy grows and flows with unconditional expression.

Your Purpose needs to be independent of your woman.
It is of the utmost importance you know your purpose too. Know where you are, where you want to be and how you’re gonna get there.

I can imagine she is so tense because she can’t express herself unconditionally to you because you get verbally abusive.
Get her Scott and tell her ‘I want you to express the truth me’, Let her go crazy on you, let express herself unconditionally, she will blame you, hate you, want to kill you, but remember what she says is just flow, it’s not real, it’s a test of love, love her through it with your strength, love her through her storm, let it wash over you. After the storm she will love you forever only to test you again. So laugh when she’s about to test your love

Scott that’s my advice, take it, leave it, it’s your choice.

That’s my 2 cents

[scott1324]

Hey everyone thank you for taking the time to give me your opinions and great advice. I really appreciate it, and it is good to get other peoples perspectives. I have to admit I feel alot better after reading everyone's input.

Actually Mr. A. She comes from an alcoholic family. I believe she started drinking in her early teens, so the drinking was present long before I came along. I was a drunk when we met too, so we had that in common, until I sobered up. We used to sit around and drink and talk amongst other things, every night. When I sobered up a year or so ago, we lost that time and connection. We used to be very irresponsible, and then I quit drinking, put myself through school, and brought my son home, and everything changed.

She also struggled with anorexia in her late teens, also before I met her. Anorexia is a control issue, and I think she felt like she didn't have control. Going from carefree drunks to responsible suburbanites can be a hard transition.

I think most of the verbal abuse stemmed from the anorexia. I watched her go from about 130 lbs to 85 lbs. I couldn't sit by and watch the woman I loved self destruct, and I was very inexperienced with a disorder like this. I used to play in bands and met all walks of life. My drummer was a meth head, I entertained the drunks, I even played with a heroin addict at one point. I had never dealt with an anorexic and probably made every wrong move possible. I now would consider myself almost an expert as I have spent countless hours reading, and in chat rooms, and lived with one for almost 2 years, but it is a sickness, and you are met with some serious denial and resistance, if you try to confront the issue. It's like trying to take a drunks bottle away. They use an intimidation factor and make you scared to address it, so you either sit by and watch them self destruct or you stand up for what you believe, in which case they push you away, and isolate.

I lost respect and once I lost respect I think I became verbally abusive. This girl is the opposite of me. When I have something on my mind, people know it. Her on the other hand keeps it all bottled up and is a very quiet person. I have also read alot about anger issues, and repressed anger will eventually find it's way out.

I do know exactly where I am in life and where I am going. I am sober, I am a real estate appraiser, and I am a father raising a 6 year old by myself. The only thing complicating my life at this point, is whether to follow the head or the heart. The head knows I deserve better than this, but she accepted me when I was a drunk loser, serving people pizza's, and it seems like I should stand by her side, during her low points.

Love is blind and sometimes it's hard to walk away from someone you planned on spending the rest of your life with, even though she is a mess.

But you are right. Maybe I did become dependant on her and there is alot of good advice in all of your responses.

I really do appreciate everyone's input and this is my final addiction to address. Once I get through this, my life should be ALOT easier, one way or the other.

[Amandaaa]

Whaaaaat the heck.

I am 99% sure that I responded to this last night... and it was pretty long post, too. hah. Where did it go???

[magi13]

you'll know when to give up if you listen to yourself after reflecting on the things you experienced with her. Think it through, so that you'll have no regrets