10 years on and still emotionallly retarded..

[shakra]

Hi...

I'm facing a very challenging time in my life.

I have been with my man for 10 years. Up until recently I felt he was my soulmate.

My opinion on this has changed somewhat as I I feel he does not contriubte fairly to the relationship.

We have falled on terrible financial hardship, and I feel this is due to his poor work ethic... allowing me to take on the burden of paying our bills, juggling debts, cooking and caring for our pet.

This week, I asked him to be home so that we could put an action plan together to either a) get our magic back or b) seperate for a while (as I feel he will not realise what I do for him until we are apart)..

Well... that was last night.. and rather than be there to discuss these issues, he went surfing.. Came home and went straight to bed.

I'm very confused about whether to give him a chance to say anything in his defense or to just bail.

I have been drained of so much energy, I cant even shed a tear over this anymore...

It's sad, because I love him so deeply.. but there are so many small things that have been going on that demonstrate his lack of appreciation and consideration for me as a human.. to the point that I can't even consider him my best friend anymore as a friend would not treat me in such a way.

I could rattle on about this in all the details... but I dont really see the point..I just want to move forward in a positive way, and I just am very confused about him...


I have posted other stuff about our relationship that may offer insight.. My man - The Clam


I just wish it didnt have to come to this... but I know that I cant force him to make the effort...





I really do not enjoy these dark periods in my life... I'm such a happy positive person, I'm taking it step by step.. but it still hurts a lot to know that the person you have supported financially and emotionally for all these years could not even be bothered making a tiny amount of effort.


I feel he has no consideration for me as a person, or my feelings etc..

[ns123]

It sounds to me like, he's a great person, but only if you do things his way. Talk about things he likes to talk about. He's great so long as you are the one satisfying his need. And if he happens to accidentally satisfy some of your needs in the process, great, if not, oh well.

It doesn't sound like he has behaved like he is willing to commit the time and effort to satisfy your needs, or to build the kind of relationship you want. And so far, it doesn't even sound like he wants to talk to you about what kind of relationship it is that he wants with you. But it does sound like he already has the relationship he wants with you.

So the thing is, you cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to do. And so far, his actions have spoken very loudly what it is he is willing (and not willing) to do.

The question here is:
1. are you willing to commit to this same cycle, accept that nothing may change for the hope that maybe something may change
2. or would you rather let him go with love so that you can seek out the kind of relationship that you want.

[shakra]

^^ I agree... he has the relationship he wants/needs.. so why would he feel the need to do anything different..

I have told him a number of times over the past couple of years that I'm not really happy.. but he doesnt seem to take that on board...


so it has gotten to the point where I feel I have no other option but to leave because otherwise I will end up with a number of the emotional issues that I have worked so hard to overcome.


So I guess the short answer is no... I cant continue this cyble.. and unfortunately as hard as it is and as much as it hurts... I have to say yes... I am willing to move on..



It hurts so much that someone has just taken so much from me both emotionally, physically and financially and is willing to just let me go without an ounce of effort towards my needs.

[Foggy]

I'm sorry Shakra; clearly you put a lot of effort into this relationship are to have your partner not even willing to communicate with you must be really hard. I would seriously consider moving forward. It's clear that this relationship is not very fulfilling for you.

[ssandra]

Hi,

Just to say that I have read your other post as well, and yes it can be very difficult living with a man who doesnt open up.

However... your post do seem to make you the perfect wife/girlfriend and him the bad evil husband/boyfriend... Is that really true?

Or could it be that you are not open for change yourself? Not open to checking to make sure that there is nothing you can do to make your life as a couple better?

Originally Posted by shakra

^^ I agree... he has the relationship he wants/needs.. so why would he feel the need to do anything different..

Are you sure about that?? Have you asked him?

I´m guessing here, but I think that most of your converstations you have with him are going like this:

You: honey, lets sit down and talk ok?
Him: oh, sh*t, here we go again... Sign... yes dear...
You: you see he doesn´t really want to talk to me, he´s closing down again! Well honey.. I am not happy. I am feeling like you don´t care about me. I want this to change. What are you going to do to change?
Him: bla bla bla bla bla yeah.. well.. whatever...has the football started yet?
You:He doesn´t love me anymore! Why doesn´t he do anything for me! And wash your own clothes, I am not the maid around here!
Him: Huh? What? Clothes..? Ahhh this is about clothes.. Ok honey, i´ll wash the clothes, but later ok? Just let me watch my show now...

What I suggest you change about this converstation is the number of times you use "I" and "me" here.
How about starting a converstation (NOT when his favorite soccer team is on, NOT when he is using the computer, NOT when he is about to fall asleep) with asking HIM how he feels about the relationship?

Then, VERY important, whatever he sais, even if you completely disagree, DO NOT ARGUE!!
Just let him talk.
Ask him questions like "ok, I see how you can feel that way. What else makes you feel that way?"

Now, after this conversations it is NOT your turn to say everything you don´t like about him.

Now, it is your turn to show that you have listened to him, and make his life a bit easier by making some changes yourself.

After a while you can ask him if you are doing the things that make him feel bad, less. If he is happier in the relationship now.

Allready, without even asking you will see him improving towards your needs as well.

If not, and cleaning the dishes is a very important need for you, just ask him in a NICE tone "honey, I am very tired today, would you mind doing the dishes?" and then just let him. Doesn´t matter if he does them now or in 15 minutes.. just let him.

Maybe I am completely wrong, and he is a selfish bastard. If so, please disregard anything I have written above and leave as soon as possible.

If any of the above strikes a cord, read it again, and think very hard about your own input in this relationship.

Usually you get out of a relationship what you put in it.

[rawxstasy]

Shakra,

I am sorry for what you are going through. You man sounds alot like my second ex husband. Would not lift a finger. Did not want to have any sort of conversation when I trieed to explain how overburdened I felt. I was working 50 hours week at an internet company, taking 6 credits a semester at community college, doing all the cooking, all the cleaning and he sat and played solitare on the computer all day.

I have been drained of so much energy, I cant even shed a tear over this anymore

I have been there. I was actually physically sick by the time I left him. I was so drained of energy it was all I could do to get off the sofa and try to work at my part time job cause that was all I could handle at the time. It took me about a year to not feel "tired" anymore. I have been seperated from him for two years. This is what my marriage cost me:

1. Failed one of my nursing classes in part due to his placing the entire burden for his life and mine on my shoulders. ( this put me behind in nursing school 1.5 years)

2. Filed for bankruptcy as he did not look for a job for 3 years. ( I kept "hoping" he would change) We lived off the stocks I had sold from my internet job while I was in nursing school. And off most of the $30,000 in student loan money that I AM RESPONSIBLE for now.

3. Owe back taxes of $34,000 because he thought he could cheat the irs and get more refund money. He spent the refund money on himself. I'm probably going to be paying back most of this debt as he is working at Domino's pizza.

I just came from his apartment that he's lived in by himself for the past two years. I needed him to sign some of the IRS paperwork before they start garnishing our wages. I drove four hours to be there in person to have him sign because I couldn't depend on him signing and mailing the paperwork back to me. I don't think he's cleaned his apartment the entire time he's lived there. It was unbelievable. Dishes piled high, an inch of grease, dust and I don't know what else in the sink. Papers everywhere. I don't even know where he sleeps because everything - I mean EVERYTHING is covered with papers.

I thank GOD I got out when I did.

[shakra]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hi,

Just to say that I have read your other post as well, and yes it can be very difficult living with a man who doesnt open up.

However... your post do seem to make you the perfect wife/girlfriend and him the bad evil husband/boyfriend... Is that really true?

Absolutely not.. I have never professed to be perfect in anything.. especially our relationship... HOWEVER.. I will make a point of explaining something important:

Early in our relationship, I went through this same sort of stuff... always having to ask for help with things... such as taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and keeping our pool clean.. most of the time, our backyard had lawn 2 feet high and an inground pool that was green and full of tadpoles. I stopped cleaning altogether. I was deeply depressed. On top of that, the only attention I would get was sexual. I tried to explain that I felt like he only wanted me or was happy with me as a result of the sex.

I started to self harm because I was so deeply frustrated that I didnt know what else to do. I felt like it was all my fault. I felt useless and ugly. So I used to belt myself up with books and bash my head off walls.

The relationship broke down to the point that he met another girl at a concert while we were still together. He was keeping in contact with her via MY mobile phone.. and I put 2 and 2 together. I asked him if there was someone else and he said yes... even though nothing had happened between them..

I decided that I was out of there. I went through a lot of soul searching and made MASSIVE personal changes. We ended up staying together.. we just couldnt bear to be apart. and things got better for a while.. but the sex stuff.. and the domestic issues are still things that really have not changed all that much.

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hi,
Or could it be that you are not open for change yourself? Not open to checking to make sure that there is nothing you can do to make your life as a couple better?

Are you sure about that?? Have you asked him?

I´m guessing here, but I think that most of your converstations you have with him are going like this:

You: honey, lets sit down and talk ok?
Him: oh, sh*t, here we go again... Sign... yes dear...
You: you see he doesn´t really want to talk to me, he´s closing down again! Well honey.. I am not happy. I am feeling like you don´t care about me. I want this to change. What are you going to do to change?
Him: bla bla bla bla bla yeah.. well.. whatever...has the football started yet?
You:He doesn´t love me anymore! Why doesn´t he do anything for me! And wash your own clothes, I am not the maid around here!
Him: Huh? What? Clothes..? Ahhh this is about clothes.. Ok honey, i´ll wash the clothes, but later ok? Just let me watch my show now...

OK... here's an example of a recent issue...

he gets up at 4:30am to go to work... one morning his alarm didnt go off.. but I had mine set for him but not early enough... anyway.. he got up all angry and flustered because his alarm had not gone off... I copped his nasty angry attitude at 5am.. not the way I would like to wake up or be woken..

That night.. I waited and waited to see if he would apologise on his own.. but no. I kept my distance.. I wasnt angry, I was very conscious of being "nice" and keeping a positive attitude...

I realised he was not going to raise the topic. So I said.. "So.. have you got anything to say for yourself" and he said "Sorry"... only... the "sorry" he gave me was filled with attitude that showed that he really wasnt sorry.. and that he said that coz he knew thats what I wanted to hear.
The tone of an apology can change the entire meaning.


I'm at the stage where I cannot give anymore. Any changes I make will be for me... and no one else. I am constantly changing... I feel that this is the nature of life. It's the unchanging attitude of this man in my life that is the cause of so much hurt and frustration.


I see what you mean about asking him... what makes you feel this way. etc.. what can I do to change that etc??

But I have done so much work in this area.. I feel like "I" want to be considered... when is it my turn for him to consider MY feelings... and when will he take a look at himself and address what HE is doing to me?

This is one sided from my point of view because I have given my everything... and I get nothing back... I need to learn to let it go and move on.

[ns123]

shakra,

It sounds like you are ready to move on. Evident in your last post, that you were waiting for an apology and you got a resentful apology.

It sounds like his normal MO in this case is not to apologize (unless you "nag" it out of him, or expect it out of him) but really forget it ever happened and sweep it under the rug. You don't operate that way.

It really sounds like you set yourself up for failure as well as set him up for failure, and are disappointed when you get, surprise! failure.

You say you love him... and he says he loves you. You have great sex. Yet, from your own words and actions (as well as his), you both sure don't behave as if you love each other.

You both seem to be caught in this rut of not knowing what else to do with each other... so you end up doing nothing at all, and not having much fun in the process.

Let him go with love. So that he can find some one who can accept him as he is, and so that you can find some one willing to commit to building the open loving relationship that you are looking for.

[The Cloud]

It doesn't really matter whether you stay or leave, as long as you are committed to your action. You're causing your own pain over this situation, and as long as you confront the situation from a place of suffering you will only get as much in return. Pay your suffering no mind and make your decision. Only then will you be free.

[stellamaris5]

The way to be empowered is to choose that you are a 100% responsible for this relationshsip and for everything else in your life as it happens.

Only then can you step out of the 'victim' mentality that dictates that there are outside things that are responsible for how you feel.

This is an illusion or superstition, only YOU are making your self feel whatever way you feel BECAUSE you are stuck in a victim mentality.

SO the first step for you will be acknowledging this and asuming 100% responsibility.

If you want/need more guidance please DO let me know.

[angies]

I really feel for you. I was in similar situation with my ex, He is not a bad man and a very intelligent person but he is just a very selfish person who has no consideration of any one but himself. Every thing that happened was happened the way he wanted and after many years of compromising and sacrifcing for the sake of our marriage, I lost my identity and my self respect. I got out of my 11 year marriage a very damaged person. I did not take me long to recover financially because I no longer have a draining burden around my neck. It did take me a long time to re-find myself and my confidence.

You sound terribly unhappy. I don't know the whole story but whatever it is, if you are so unhappy in a relationship then it cannot be a good relationship for whatever the reson, it is worth to cut the lost and move on.

[ginkgo]

No one can advise since this is a complex thing and no one knows as much about the situation as you do. No one can possibly know how you feel and that is what it is about.

What is your concept of soulmates? Some believe that it is someone and the only one that you will be with for the rest of eternity. Others, like me, believe that a person has many soulmates and there are deep connections between them.

Now I could tell you some really great stories of soulmates that I have met. Also I believe that soulmates do not have to be lovers but can be best friends, parent and child or teacher and student like Plato and Aristotle. Who are the most famous soulmates in history-- Prince Charles and Diana? Socrates, Plato and Aristotle shaped Western civilization.

But here is the latest. I live in Philadelphia and I 'met' (online) a 14 year old girl in Paris that jumped off a 5th floor balcony to kill herself but lived.

We have been friends for 6 months and the reason for her trying to kill herself is no friends. I am her only friend so it is up to me to help her to feel like living. People who read about her on my Blog are totally fascinated with what is happening between us online. Her life is on the line.

Soon I will put the emails on my blog where she was so busy that she had not emailed me for awhile. Then when she did, her first line was why she was going to kill herself. I did not get upset about it. I emailed her and communicated with her (it sounds like you and your husband are not communicating). The next day she emailed me and the first line was that she cannot kill herself since she has not met me yet.

Part of her problem with finding friends is that she is way too smart. Many geniuses are lonely. Her father is a medical doctor at a hospital and her mother is a lawyer.

[tintin]

You say you love him... and he says he loves you. You have great sex. Yet, from your own words and actions (as well as his), you both sure don't behave as if you love each other.

yup love is, as love does