my bf says he does not view me as a sexual being?

[Marsha Britton]

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We love each other and get along great. He told me 3 weeks ago he never thinks about having sex with me and it never was great-ouch! I am going through a divorce and I think he has a mental block that says..I am still a married woman. He was originally attracted to me because he was lonely. We are both very educated(PhD-him, BSN-me), active and attracted people. We have tons in common. This is the only problem-sex...I think therapy will help him to view me differently. He treats me as a friend and says he has never had a relationship with anyone like this before. This is too important for both of us to lose each other. Any suggestions?

[ssandra]

I know what you are feeling... it is not a good feeling.

When you are in a relationship with someone you need to feel wanted on a physical level as well as an emotional and metal level.

My situation is a little different, where my husband does see me as a sexual being but just has a way lower sexdrive then I do. It is not nice at all, but I know he loves me and sees me not as a sister or friend but lover and wife.

If he really doesn´t see you as a sexual being you should really have a long discussion with him on why. Maybe he sees you just as a friend, or maybe he is just an asexual person.

You need to think really carefully if that is the type of relationship you want to have.

Maybe you should be good friends instead and find another person to be your boyfriend...?

And if you really love him, think very very carefully if you can life your life without having sex again (or talk about opening up your relationship, where you can get sex elsewhere). Life without isn´t easy, especially if it is not because of your choice!

[RT Wolf]

Modern psychotherapy has moved a little bit beyond Freud and issues with parents. That was about a hundred years ago. Although you can still find some Freudian psychoanalysts, if that's what you're goin for.

While I disagree with Xanafax's reductionism of human beings to a simplistic degree, he/she may have a point. Are you sure you're not using therapy as an excuse to not face the idea that your relatoinship just doesn't have a sexual basis to it? Are you ok with that? Plenty of people have non-sexual but deeply committed relatoinships. Just be honest with yourself.

[Brutha]

Putting responsibility on other people often isn't the best way.
What's your figure like?
Maybe dressing differently could also help to highlite your sexual side to him.

[Nicko]

^^^^^^this

I've been in a situation like that. Find out what he like, what he really likes. good luck

[Loi13]

You would benefit from reading He's Just Not that Into You. There's a section in there which directly pertains to this.
But if you don't have that time: Trying to change his mind will take too much time and will likely be unsuccessful. Just as he is deserving of someone he finds sexy, you are deserving of someone who sees and appreciates your sexiness.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Loi13

You would benefit from reading He's Just Not that Into You. There's a section in there which directly pertains to this.
But if you don't have that time: Trying to change his mind will take too much time and will likely be unsuccessful. Just as he is deserving of someone he finds sexy, you are deserving of someone who sees and appreciates your sexiness.

Agreed. Nothing I could say, that HJNTIY couldn't say better.

She needs to just cut her losses and move on, and date a lot of men until somebody who's really into her emerges from the pack.

[ssandra]

Another thought...

It could also be a chemical inbalance in his brain. You said that he first came to you because he was lonely? Maybe he is / was a little depressed and therefore just doesn´t make enough of whatever hormone he needs to find sex nice.

Basically, is he just not that into YOU or sex in general?

I hope you post an update on how things are going.

Good luck anyway!

[Pequod]

@OP: Why do you call him your bf while you don't have sex with him and are married to another man?

It doesn't make sense to me and I suspect this is where the answer to the riddle lies.

[SomeRandomGuy]

I would suggest talking with him about this in detail, to find out exactly how he feels. If he tells you he think he has a problem, then you could help him discover what that problem is and support him in getting help. If you find that he is happy with the situation, then you will have to decide which is more important to you: the relationship with him or a better sex life.

If you want to be with him, but he is unable to satisfy you sexually then you have several options. You could remain friends, but move on to other relationships romantically. You could reach a compromise, where he agrees to put forth the effort at meeting your sexual needs, while you agree to be understanding if/when he isn't able to do so. Or, you could discuss the possibility of an open relationship, in which your emotional needs are fulfilled primarily by him, while your sexual needs are fulfilled with someone else.

I would not suggest that you try changing him without him wanting to change. I would also not suggest that you continue the relationship without addressing the sexual issues, and coming to an understanding with each other.

[magi13]

i understand how the guy feels, sometimes a guy's maternal instinct kicks in and wants to take care of someone. i know it's weird but it happens. it's not all about sex. but it's important to have both emotional, physical and communication in a relationship.

why don't you guys talk about it and see what happens.

sometimes we men are people too. :3 so girls, tell your boys "i want to have sex" ^^,

[Angela]

Why not suggest polyamory?


(I just posted #8,000! Whooo-hoooo!)

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Marsha Britton

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We love each other and get along great. He told me 3 weeks ago he never thinks about having sex with me and it never was great-ouch! I am going through a divorce and I think he has a mental block that says..I am still a married woman. He was originally attracted to me because he was lonely. We are both very educated(PhD-him, BSN-me), active and attracted people. We have tons in common. This is the only problem-sex...I think therapy will help him to view me differently. He treats me as a friend and says he has never had a relationship with anyone like this before. This is too important for both of us to lose each other. Any suggestions?

I'd say it doesn't get any more direct than that, if it did, he'd have to insult you. Why would he be the one that needs therapy, he's pretty clear in expressing how he feels about you. I think this is one of the reasons some men opt into playing games with women, because if they speak clearly and directly they'll still be questioned as to "what exactly do you mean"? Move on......you can choose to be friends if you feel that will work. I doubt it will though. But I see you viewing this from a lack mentality, there's tons and tons of incredible men out there. No need to think this was some kind of a freak gift to you.

[edith]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

I'd say it doesn't get any more direct than that, if it did, he'd have to insult you.

I agree with MidasGirl.

He may feel that because you get on well together, are great friends, that should be "enough" for a relationship and so he may not be playing games with you - he may honestly think this is a mature way to have a relationship. Passion can get us in all sorts of trouble in dating; maybe you're "safe" and comforting for him and he thinks that's a good bet for the future.

But passion and attraction for your partner is important, too. Although the fires may die down as time passes, do you really want to start off with a fizzle? Later on, if life gets tough, there's no history to look back on and say "Hey, we had *this* together. Let's work to rekindle it. We can work out our problems because we have this connection that is more than just being friends." You can't rekindle something that wasn't there in the first place.

You don't want to end up living like brother and sister down the line. If he is saying this to you now, take heed. Expect more for yourself. You deserve a partner who is totally into you. Don't settle!

[edith]

BTW, a friend of mine recommended the PAX workshops to me when I was going through some relationship stuff. I didn't take one, but I read the book "Making Sense of Men" and it was really fascinating! (I scoffed at first, thinking I knew everything and thought it was silly and embarrassing to read the book. It wasn't - we all have things we can learn.)

PAX Programs Incorporated - Home

Good luck!

[magi13]

Thread starter, I want you to decide for yourself after you have read all of our suggestions, recommendations and what not. We have ideas, but you'll be the one who'll be affected in the end. I do not want you to regret your choices because in the end you'll have to be the one taking the responsibility for your actions.

What is it that you want? Do you want a lover? a friend? someone in between?

I believe people do not really know what they want, that's why you'll have to think this through. people change their minds all the time and that is a fact. That's also the basis why we have world leaders, because there are some choices where the people themselves don't want to make or don't want the burden of responsibility.

Think, and visualize each choices or options that you have now and imagine that you are in that situation. that visualized imagination will give you an idea of what will happen, but it's not 100 percent accurate.

I wish you good luck and i hope you guys will have a wonderful sex life. I really can relate with the guy, because i know how that feels, to love someone and not be attracted to them physically. it's weird but it happens.

[Jthorn]

I would say, don't talk. Seduce him!
Cosmopolitan has probably good tips :P

[Dahlia]

I think it's just a simple case of incompatible sexual chemistry.

I was in a relationship for 2 1/2yrs, and I stopped having sex with my ex 6 months in. Mainly because the sex was boring and predictable, however I enjoyed his company and was amazed how much he put up with the fact that we weren't having sex. However in the end, it just couldn't work. I wasn't attracted to him sexually.

But I've had great sex before with another boyfriend, and I miss that passionate frenzy.

My guess is that you need to find a compatible partner, not only on the romantic level but on a sexual level as well. I think your bf made it very clear to you that he doesn't want to have sex with you. Either you both try to work on getting the sex drive up, or agree that he finds sex elsewhere and still be with you, or that you both end your relationship and seek for better.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but when the chemistry isn't there, it's just not there.