He wants me back, move abroad and leave everything behind!!

[Mesmerize]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and found this place just at the right time.
I'm in a situation I can't bear alone, so I'm asking for some advice.

My ex with whom I still keep in touch, is broke, illegal and homeless and disowned by his family for culteral reasons. I instead have tried to help him get a visa back then, but our relationship got worse then so I broke up with him and he ended up alone and without a visa, broke and homeless, living on the streets. I felt guilty and selfish leaving him and lots of things unfinished. Now one-and-a-half year later I still care for him, love him and even miss him, A LOT to be honest. He says he loves and misses me too and that his life has been a hell on earth without me. Lately I've considered giving him a second chance (I thought about it, but didn't actually did it I mean ). It just doesn't feel right.

Giving him a second chance means moving abroad AGAIN for his visa because it isn't possible to get him a visa/passport via the country I live in right now (I live somewhere in Europe by the way). Getting back to him also means leave my family behind in pain (I live with my parents right now), doing low-paided jobs again working my butt of the whole day incase to survive and it also means saying 'bye bye' to all my dreams and goals that I've planned for this upcoming year and it probably also means living to his will because he has a very dominant character. And then not to forget that my parents don't like me to go back to him again, because they think he isn't good for me.

I somehow want to give him a helping hand, but I already did that for such a long time, providing him financially to the point that people started saying that he was taking advantage of me.
I feel so sorry for him now. To be honest, I don't want to put myself on the second place anymore like I did before when we were together, but his situation makes me feel so sad. I can't cope with that. Am I selfish now for chosing for myself? I feel so bad wanting me to take control of my life from now on and to start anew while at the same time he cannot do the same and has no future perspective due to his homelessnes/having no visa/income. He doens't have simple basics like shelter, a job, and even food sometimes which causes him to lent money from friends.
I feel so sad and can't let go of him until I know he's fine and can take care of himself. Sometimes I wish I could help him somehow, without making him the centre of my life so I still can focus on other important things in my life like family, my career and my dreams.
I know he is responsible for his life, only that thought doesn't give me comfort when I picture him sleeping on the streets/maybe at a friends house, borrowing money for food everytime. I wish he wasn't illegal. I wish he would go back to his country, but I can't make him.

I hope someone can give me some valuable advice or give me his opinion on this. Thank you.

xx Mesmerize

[seeker5]

Is there a way you can help him from a distance without giving up your life and forming a romantic relationship with him again?

[Mesmerize]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Is there a way you can help him from a distance without giving up your life and forming a romantic relationship with him again?

Thank you for commenting!

To answer your question, I wish there was a way I could help. The only way I see now is this:

First of all, there are some little possibilities for getting him a passport via the country I live in now, but the people and laws are very strict here, and it is only possible If I have a high salary and are married to him. I don't make that lot of money and marriage is not an option because I can not get a birth certificate to get married. That is actually also quit odd. First I was frustrated because of that little obstacle stopping us/making us get nowhere, but now I think of it as a 'roadblock'. Something that is blocking me, preventing me for probably making the stupidiest mistake of my life/ or because it just isn't my life purpose helping him. Erin Pavlina used to talk about roadblocks in one of her blogs and their meaning. It made me think.

But where was I..Second option to help him is a huge money issue. I need to safe a lot of money first in case to make this work. And that option is:
If I don't want to move abroad then I got to have to make it look like i'm moving abroad. So I have to go to the municipality and ask them to remove me out of their system, I have to lie to them by saying that I'm moving abroad so I can resign at the municipality abroad. It should be all make belief in case to get him a passport/visa. We probably should get married anyway, with a lot of luck it isn't even necessary as long as he has a partner, me in this case. That are the new rules now I heard. Then I have to get an appartment abroid (think: huge monthly costs!) and even show up there often so people/neighboors won't suspect anything. I might as well just go live there which I don't want. And the most important part; I need a fake job contract abroad too. :S
This doesn't just feel right to do. Everybody probably agrees with me on this. I might even get in trouble if I would really consider doing this and somebody finds out. So I won't. Don't want to get into trouble like that.

I came to the conclusion that there are only roadblocks. Even my parents are the roadblocks! There was a time they once set me up for a choice, I had to choose between my boyfriend and them. I choose for my boyfriend, turning my back on my parents. That was actually when I moved abroad the first time.

Like I said, there is always something blocking me. Maybe I shouldn't go against these blocks???
But then again, should I watch him suffer and not interfere? Should I close my eyes for his problems and just lead my own life like he never ever were a part of mine? Sometimes I even think that his family disowned him because of me. I will never know for sure!

ps. sorry for my poor English and little mistakes here and there.

xx Mesmerize

[yintherapy]

It sounds like you already *know* this is not the path for you. Re-read your post. I know that for me, I tend to post threads when I'm looking for reinforcement for a decision I already "discovered" inside myself...

[Mesmerize]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

It sounds like you already *know* this is not the path for you. Re-read your post. I know that for me, I tend to post threads when I'm looking for reinforcement for a decision I already "discovered" inside myself...

It doesn't feel good going abroid again and leave my family in pain because they don't approve of him.

Funny thing is, i have thought about it so long and I've came to the conclusion that If my parents weren't alive anymore or if I was an orphan for example, than I would probably go without hesitating. 100%. But when my parents come in the picture I start hesitating.

I even thought about it deeper and also came to the conclusion that I thought I was seeking for a good career and that when my dreams come true I will be happy, but I think I'm wrong. I think I need love more than what so ever. I still feel love for him, thats for sure, no doubt. Love is after all the most important thing in this world. This is how it feels now. I asked myself this question:

Would I be more happy in 5 years when I live my dream or would I be more happy having him still by my side? And even that is not sure. Nothing in life is sure. This is difficult. I think I will consider a medium soon. Maybe a guided meditation will help to get the answer and to find out what I really want??

[JoeRad]

Speaking as someone who is working to get himself out of a situation where he gives most of his money, time and feelings to people who manipulate him, please take notice.

It will not get better. people, unless they WORK at it, do not improve. External help (you) can assist them in their transformation, but they need to be committed to it. Thinking that you stepping in and helping with money and emotional support....well, at least in my case all I did was make the situation worse. I now have the emotional damage of working to force my own father out of my home and onto what will likely be a life on the streets. It pains me, it hurts, and I know that these are all feelings I will need to deal with for years to come.

If the person you are trying to help doesn't really want to improve, but instead is seeing you as a way to get a free ride, no amount of love on your part will change that. I am certain, based on experience and what I have studied, that there are people in this world who are basically vampires; people who feed on the generosity of others. maybe this belief is a harsh one, but it is what I know from my life.

I do not know the particulars of your unique situation, but I ask, please, for yourself, that you try to see if this will harm you. Try to determine how genuine your friend is before you jump in with both feet.

Take Care,
JoeRad

[ssandra]

Hi,

I´m from europe as well, and moved abroad to be here with my husband.

For me it was different because there was never any question about it, and we already lived together for a while in his country (2 years).

I know he loves me and I love him.

That is the thing you have to be sure of. Does he love you? Can you live with him, even if he is dominant? Can he live with you, even if you are more independent that he is familiar with? Can he live with you being the only person in the family making money for a few years?

These are difficult issues and you will face a difficult few years if you are going to do this.

So make really sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Not because you feel sorry for him, Not because you feel guilty, Not because it is the only way he can get papers.

The only reason to do this is if you love each other!!

And.. please please please, don´f fall in the trap of being abused, and don´t let anybody put their own interest before yours. If they do, they don´t really love you!!

If you would like any more information on how I did it, or european law (as far as i know) you can always sent me a pm.

if you happen to be dutch or speak dutch you can go to Stichting Buitenlandse Partner
They have a lot of information and a great forum with all kinds of information.

[Mesmerize]

Originally Posted by JoeRad

Speaking as someone who is working to get himself out of a situation where he gives most of his money, time and feelings to people who manipulate him, please take notice.

It will not get better. people, unless they WORK at it, do not improve. External help (you) can assist them in their transformation, but they need to be committed to it. Thinking that you stepping in and helping with money and emotional support....well, at least in my case all I did was make the situation worse. I now have the emotional damage of working to force my own father out of my home and onto what will likely be a life on the streets. It pains me, it hurts, and I know that these are all feelings I will need to deal with for years to come.

If the person you are trying to help doesn't really want to improve, but instead is seeing you as a way to get a free ride, no amount of love on your part will change that. I am certain, based on experience and what I have studied, that there are people in this world who are basically vampires; people who feed on the generosity of others. maybe this belief is a harsh one, but it is what I know from my life.

I do not know the particulars of your unique situation, but I ask, please, for yourself, that you try to see if this will harm you. Try to determine how genuine your friend is before you jump in with both feet.

Take Care,
JoeRad

Sometimes I think that he is taking advantage of me, that I'm only good for the money and a passport, but I'm not sure. I rather don't think about this a lot. Makes me feel sad. But the thing is, I don't give him money anymore. I stopped doing that a month and a half ago. He seems fine with the situation he says. He felt bad for asking me money, he told me.

But If I go back he probably will start to ask for money again since I probably will be the only one making a living there.

[Annabelle]

It certainly sounds like he is taking advantage of you. Be very, very careful. sometimes, women in love do stupid things. Put yourself first. Even if you love him, your are not his social worker. He should show a minimum of interest and effort in bettering his situation without dragging you into his mess.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Annabelle

It certainly sounds like he is taking advantage of you. Be very, very careful. sometimes, women in love do stupid things. Put yourself first. Even if you love him, your are not his social worker. He should show a minimum of interest and effort in bettering his situation without dragging you into his mess.

Of course he should show interest and effort... but unfortunately with the current situation in Europe, there might not be a whole lot he can do about his own situation.

It is ok to give him money. If you are going to be living together, you can work and he can take care of the household, cooking etc. As long as it is equal, and because you love each other.

If you are afraid to thing about him taking advantage of you because it makes you sad... think about it, again and again.

Is it not an option to go and live in his country for a while? Where you can learn his culture and country and he can take care of you? Your case will also be stronger then when you go back to Europe.

Unless you can say with absolute certainty in your hearth that he loves you back OR that you don´t mind if he takes advantage of you... your instincts that he is are probably right..

Parents are not always right (mine certainly were not!) but usually they do know you and if they are worried, examen your relationship with him again.

Remember, even if you at one point were in love with him, you are not responsable for his life. He is!

Good luck!

[danas]

Originally Posted by Mesmerize

It just doesn't feel right.

There you said it. It doesnt feel right, so dont do it.

Originally Posted by Mesmerize

it also means saying 'bye bye' to all my dreams and goals that I've planned for this upcoming year and it probably also means living to his will because he has a very dominant character.

The right relationship will not make you give up your dreams.

Sometimes not helping someone is the biggest help because then they can start taking responsibility for their situation. you helped him a lot already.

Of course you miss him, I think most people miss their exes until they fall in love again.
I think its pretty clear you have to let go of the "savior" position you have taken, and focus on your goals and dreams. Then someone right will come along