Breaking up advice

[XDDD]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last 7 years.

For this period I’ve been feeling myself slipping away: I hardly ever see any of my friends (the few I have left) and I’ve lost interest in all the things I used to enjoy.

Well, I haven’t really lost interest in them, it’s just that I can’t do them without feeling that I have to explain myself to him for wanting to do them.

I’ve always wanted to travel. Maybe live in different countries. Learn languages. And I don’t. And the very few trips (the longest one lasting a week) I’ve made with friends over the last years have always ended up in lots of fighting and jealousy and a huge cell phone bill.

I have a very intense schedule (I’m double majoring) and the few hours of free time I have on weekdays, I spend them at his house. I think to him it feels like I don’t want to spend that much time with him, but the truth is that everyday I’m at his house watching him do his stuff (build something, fix the computer, eat dinner, play at the computer…) and then I go home and I have to sleep and I don’t have any time for myself. And I need that time for myself. I need to read, and study, and watch films in French and English (I’m Spanish), and think, maybe go for a walk alone or just have dinner with someone other than him... without feeling like I’m stealing time from being with him. He doesn’t get that. So I’ve given it up.

I don’t blame him for any of these things. For a time, I resented him a little. But I’ve learned to accept that giving up on all those things was my fault. I was 16 when I started dating him and at that time giving up on some stuff felt like the adult thing to do… which I guess it is, as long as the other person sees it, and make their own sacrifices too.

I don’t know. I guess I could sum it up by saying he’s a demanding person (he always gets people to do things his way), and I’m a giver (I tend to think what I want is not as important as what others want)… and so he’s demanded, and I’ve given and now I feel like I can’t give anymore and I can’t get anything back. Not after such a long time.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great person. He’s nice, and caring, and he loves me and has given me a lot.

But it just seems like he isn’t really interested in knowing/understanding what I’m interested in (I doubt that after all this time he’s even able to tell what my favorite book/author is… let alone tried to read it) and I’ve paid too much attention to his interests to the point of forgetting mine.

A few years ago, when I realized what was happening, I tried to fix things. I tried to start getting some of my time and friends back without pushing him away, but it resulted in fighting, and me feeling like I was being selfish… so instead I decided put my feelings aside and try to make it work.

Which brings us up to the present day. I’m 23 years old and I don’t really know who I am, what I like, who I want to be. And I don’t want the rest of my life to be ruled out by the patterns we’ve established in our relationship and our lives. What’s more, I don’t really want to fix those patterns anymore. I’m way too tired to try. I love my boyfriend, I really do. But I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. And I need to love myself a little bit more than I love him.

Still, I don’t want to hurt him. I know that a painless breakup is not going to be possible, but he doesn’t know what’s been going on in my head all this time. And he has no clue that I want to break up. How do you go from saying I love you 10 times a day to breaking up with someone?
I can’t explain all this to him because no matter what I say, no matter how well I try to explain it to him, he will think he’s to blame. And he isn’t. It’s just a big mess: a chain of mistakes from both of us that has lead us to a point where it isn’t working anymore.

How do I do it? How do I break up with him without making him feel like he’s to blame? How do I break up with someone who doesn’t know up to what extent their relationship isn’t working?

I know breaking up is the right thing to do. For both of us (we hardly talk -we spend most of the time watching tv/films, or me watching him do things, but we don’t really talk- and when we do we end up fighting, we don't have any common interests...). But I can’t do it out of the blue. I can’t hurt him that much.

Any advice? (Thanks in advice)

[tintin]

7 years---and youre not the same person anymore

dont be apologetic that youve grown.

Still, I don’t want to hurt him. I know that a painless breakup is not going to be possible, but he doesn’t know what’s been going on in my head all this time. And he has no clue that I want to break up. How do you go from saying I love you 10 times a day to breaking up with someone?

so are you saying even tho you were feelin dissatisfied you still maintained the status quo? in other words lying to him?
and you dont want to lie now...either to him or yourself?

your choice to be honest is somehow..BAD?

And I need that time for myself. I need to read, and study, and watch films in French and English (I’m Spanish), and think, maybe go for a walk alone or just have dinner with someone other than him..

.

wanting to spend time with the most important person in your life ie -yourself =makes you guilty?
is it a wonder youre not enjoying youself..theres hardly any you there.wanting space to grow n develop shud be the 1st priority,no?

[XDDD]

First of all, thanks for answering =).

I didn't exactly maintain the status quo... I tried to fix things. I tried to stop apologizing and explaining myself for things I didn't have to apologize/explain myself for, I tried to start thinking a little bit more about myself and I've tried explaining it to him.

But whenever I've tried to explain it to him, he just hasn't understood. He gets fixated on the small things, on the examples. Some, he's tried to change. Others, he's tried to justify. But he doesn't seem able get the whole picture, so these things and others keep coming up and nothing is fixed.

For instance, if in the middle of a fight I try to tell him that, while I'm in his life, he's not really in mine and I mention, as an example, that he hasn't know what my favorite book is, that it bothers me that he isn't the very least interested in knowing what I see in it, he just answers that he isn't into french philosophy and that he can't even borrow it because my copy is in french. But the truth is that is the book is a barely 100 hundred page novel that costs 10 bucks at the most. And I know most of the songs he listens to by heart, although I don't really enjoy myself listening to music and I don't normally like the music he listens to. But for him the discussion is settled and he doesn't seem to think much more of it.

So, it's not like I haven't tried explaining it. He just doesn't get why these things bother me. He doen's get that I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship. He doesn't see that I don't have much of a life outside of the relationship and that this relatioship revolves mostly about him. And I guess that at some point I did stop trying so hard to get him to understand. I just resigned myself to things as they were, because they really weren't that bad.

Right now I realize that was a mistake. And I realize that this relationship isn't working and I need to start living my life instead of molding it to his. So I need to break up with him. But I don't know how to do it, because if I try to explain all this to him, he isn't going to understand it. Instead, he's just going to feel that all this examples come out of the blue and that I'm blaming him for them, which I'm not, because I understand that getting to this point is mostly my fault since I'm the one that's allowed herself to give up on all these pieces of herself without putting much of a fight.

So, my question is, how do I do it? How do you break up with some one you truly care about? I can't just come up to him today and tell him "Hey, this isn't working for me, I want to break up" when yesterday he thought everything was fine (maybe not great, but fine).

I know that there isn't a good moment to break up with someone. I know that it isn't going to be easy, nor painless. But I do want to do it as painless as possible for him.

How do I do that?

[RT Wolf]

Wow, you really care about him. You can totally break up with someone with caring. That said, whether he feels blamed or hurt has more to do with him than it does iwth you. It's sweet that you're taking responsibility for this, but you're just going to have to do it.

I wonder, though, is this a delaying tactic? Are you asking for advice cause you want some more time? for one thing, you acknowledge it will hurt but don't want it to? For another, you can google advice on how to break up pretty easily. I'm sure there's like a million webpages about this. Just do it. If he asks why, tell him you'll send him a letter or email. Written down stuff is less hard to argue with, which may be his first impulse. Let the chips fall where they may. He wouldn't be the first guy to get blindsided. Perception is a tricky thing, we often don't see what we don't want to, and it sounds like this guy's pretty stubbornly tried not to see.

Basically, here you go, I absolve you of the pain you're going to cause. It's ok and you're an ok person for doing it. Much better than to do violence to your own soul.

Good luck!

[lilliana]

If you fight as much as you say you do, I can't imagine you wanting to break up will come as the world's biggest shocker to him. I, like RT Wolf, absolve you of the pain that you will cause. It's gonna hurt no matter how you slice it, so use a sharp knife. If you feel the way you do for sure, my advice is get out sooner, because later will come before you know it. And it will hurt more the longer you wait. Trust me.
Here's a hint: even if you are wrong, and breaking up just happens to be The World's Biggest Mistake, you'll both be fine with a little time and gentle patience. Maybe you'll get together some time further down the road...who knows? Open yourself to possibility. I personally don't believe in The World's Biggest Mistake, anyway. There is no wrong answer, as long as you promise to grow from whatever you decide, (and hope the best for him, too.)

[yintherapy]

I empathize. This past year, I broke up with someone in a similar state. I knew the relationship was done for, but it took several months to make him understand. Until that point, I couldn't let him go. It just felt too cruel. So there was, like, this 6 month period where I kept telling him, and showing him, that I just wasn't happy. He was in denial but eventually saw that things weren't changing, and that I was truly unhappy. And at that point, he gave up, and stopped dragging things on.

Sometimes there's a "lag" between when the relationship is over, and the relationship is -officially- over. I'd recommend that you express your dissatisfaction. All those times you normally bite your tongue so that you don't fight, speak up. The arguments will help him see how much your relationship has degraded. There might also be little mini-breakups that lead up to the final one. That's just how it is when you're in a long term relationship, especially one that began when you were young.

[Sabrielle11]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

Sometimes there's a "lag" between when the relationship is over, and the relationship is -officially- over. I'd recommend that you express your dissatisfaction. All those times you normally bite your tongue so that you don't fight, speak up. The arguments will help him see how much your relationship has degraded. There might also be little mini-breakups that lead up to the final one. That's just how it is when you're in a long term relationship, especially one that began when you were young.

I totally agree with this line of thinking. I'm in such a similiar situation except I married this person and after 9 years and several mini- break-ups we're finally breaking up/divorcing. Its very difficult to let go when the person you're with is so attached to you and you've built a good friendship, but the romantic connection is not there. You should really tell him how you feel... drawing it out is doing yourself and the other person a disservice, the same issues will come up again and again until confronted with more force and discord. This has happened to me and I can tell you from experience your life is trying to tell you something in the form of unhappiness/unfullfillment in the relationship.

[dwixi]

I think Im in the exact same situation but im your boyfriend!
I hope its not too late for me

[RT Wolf]

I dunno if OP is still around, but I'll add this anyway: I want to thank you. I'm sorry for your situation and I hope it works out for the best, however you helped me to glimpse into a possible future for my relationship and helped me to avoid it, I hope. I realized that I didn't spend as much time caring about what my gf cares about, even though she does that for me. So, I'm sorry and thank you.

[XDDD]

Thank you all for answering =D

I didn’t post here to get absolution, to justify myself, or even as a way of putting it off.

I know there are a zillion websites and blogs where you can find advice on how to break up… but the advice you find in them is just… common sense. I was looking for more insightful advice, advice that came from introspection and both good and bad experiences, which is why I posted on this forums, instead of elsewhere on the internet.

I know I have messed up: I have been putting it off for years, hoping and wanting to believe that it could be fixed. And now I’m having trouble adjusting from the pretending-everything’s-fine role I’ve made myself play to a everything’s-not-fine-and-I-want-to-break-up attitude.

The thing is that the thought of this situation going on for months is driving me crazy. As I said, it’s taken me a while to figure out breaking up is the right decision, but once I’ve come up with it I just can’t deal with picking up fights and saying back I love you fifty times a day when all I can think of is I want out.

On the other hand, I can’t just stop saying it altogether. I can’t just go tomorrow to his place (that’s where we normally see each other) and break up with him. I know that, despite all the drama, I would leave feeling liberated. But I also know that it would take him a really long time to understand it and to get past it. It wouldn’t be fair to him if I do it that way.

@RT Wolf, you are welcome. Congratulations for taking the time to analyze your relationship so you can avoid getting to this point. I’m really glad to have somehow helped you do that.

@yintherapy and Sabrielle11, I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Hopefully it all turned out for the best for you guys =).

@dwixi. I'm sorry you are going through the same... What do you mean you hope "it's not too late" for you?

[iiswhiob]

Wow, reading that made me realize the side of the other person more than I thought it did. My gf recently broke up with me and now I can tell why, that is if she did not lie to me as she recently did. But I want to take the stand of the boyfriend a little bit. From the OP sounds like me. Since I was a kid I've wanted stuff, to build stuff, get a fast car modify it make it faster, build a gaming computer, and all sorts of technical things, typical boy things. Only I didn't quite have the resources and recently just started having them. So about a year or so ago I met my ex and she liked me from the jump, and although now I feel some despise for her and maybe some hate (I could be totally wrong for it I know, I'm trying to fight it) she was the best girl I ever had. I mean being young at first didn't expect it to get serious and I didn't want it to, I'm a very macho type person because of past experiences with girls. Anyway I think I liked her mostly because she was peaceful and wouldn't give me any trouble, she would just let me be me, and I did the same for her. It really annoyed me when she did not have an opinion of her own, or when she'd ask for us to do something and had no clue what she wanted to do, but really I'm different and had no idea what would be fun and exciting for her. When she finally started asking to do stuff that she thought of, I said no a few times, simply because she had started becoming delusional of me looking at other girls, and aside from that, we would constantly argue when we went out, she swears that I act different when there are other people around, which is kind of true I'm sure everyone does but so did she, so to avoid the friction I would rather just stay home with her. Plus the foremost reason was I was always broke and I explained this to her, and told her I'm almost in a good financial position and I love you for staying with me, just hang on a little longer. Now I'm in a good financial position but she's not there, I really hate that. Anyway she would come over and I would be working on my computer and doing other things when she came around, but I would make time for her. All of a sudden we fight more than we're happy. Being young and dumb I didn't see the signs. I tried to work things out I really did. I too sacrificed a lot for her just like she asked, as far as my social life. Yet I needed her to grow in some areas too. I can't say I wasn't selfish at all, but I'm a very considerate person, and I tried to cater for her all I could as long as she would talk to me and really tell me what she wants. But the same reason I really liked her for, was my downfall. I had to really beg and try hard to get her to talk to me and tell me if something was wrong that by the time she finally did (by texting or typing it on the pc) I was so frustrated I didn't even know how to handle it or show that I really care. Once we really argued and I said I don't know how much longer I can do this, I was sure it was over that night. But she said to me "if we're going to break up, you break up with me because I'm not doing it."
I wasn't going to after she said that and also she had made previous commitments before, and so I decided, anything can be worked out and I will try my best, and I won't walk out on her.

Anyway one day we plan for her to come over and see me as usual and she said she would and we talked just fine the whole day but when it was time for her to show up she didn't. Much later I get a message saying I don't want to be with you anymore. Two weeks later, I find out there was someone else the hard way.

Truth is, I tried hard, and despite what she thinks she meant everything to me, and I really did want to change for her (I'm a loner who else have I got. not lonely there is a difference) but she would not communicate, and I kept explaining that I'm not a magician. After that, in my opinion she has just tortured me in different ways. And I've sworn never to talk to her again, unless she comes and really shows remorse. (This is not egotistic, I really tried to talk things through and I pleaded and tried to keep her around but all she did was take advantage and walk all over me).


I say all that to say this. Really sit him down, talk to him, put it on paper if you have to. I'm not saying continue getting hurt, or persevere his crap.
But I'm telling you, you may mean everything to him he just doesn't know how to show it. If he shows no effort or care at all then you can leave with no regrets. You've been together that long and he hasn't done anything wrong as far as cheat or anything, so he sounds like a good man. I can really relate because it sounds like what I just went through. You might be surprised how much he will do for you or to make you happy. You probably just need to show him how. I don't know if it's too much to ask but no person should go through what I went through ever.