Big Age Gap Relationships what do you think

[azzyboo]

So here is my question do you think that realationships with really big age gaps actually work out. I have a friend who is with a guy who is 20 years older than her, they have been together for 9 years now, she is 32 he is 52. They seem happy but she does not seem to share any of his passions, also he always seems to be doing things to try and spend more time with her as she seems to do a lot of stuff on her own.
Tbh they really confuse me because they seem to have a relationship that works but yet she is always doing her own thing and he tries to fit into her ways iyswim, its so confusing does not seem the relationship should work but yet it does.
I guess what I am trying to say is this, she seems to have a guy that adores her and lets her do whatever she wants no questions asked and if he wants to see more of her he bends over backward to make it happen not her!
So is this a successful relationship seems like she has it all and she is happy, she has told me that I should find myself a much older guy as they are better to be with, funny though I have only ever heard her say she loved him once.
Oh he also seems happy too so is this the way to go for a female what do you think ??

[jaamkie]

I think you have to look at the individual person and how you relate/connect, not on numbers/stereotyps- so if you're expanding your horizons about who you date, then I think that's good; but I wouldn't suddenly be searching for a guy exactly 20 years older. From my experience though I haven't liked dating much older men because I feel like a cute little toy/prodigy instead of an equal, and I want to feel equal. But I still judge by how I feel I relate to the individual, so if I were single and met a much older man and felt we satisfied each other, then I'd go with it.

[tintin]

Op.. imo the couple described seems to have reached a balance of sorts with one complimenting the others needs.
ykno ...the pay offs?
cud be:-

1.constant excitement that the age gap brings
2.he gets a wife worth showing off/she gets a husband who nurtures gives her security and space

of course ,outside looking in- you are just seeing what YOU wouldnt want in a marriage.and that your idea of it is totally different from what you see in this couple.
keep in mind that ,-no matter what.its outside-looking-in

maybe the reason that youre evaluating this is because of the unconventional pairing?

but if you just look around at marriages.you might see that even suitably paired couples have the same system of operating.i.e =payoffs.

being cheeky..but are you envious ? or have they trod upon your straight jacket upbringing?

[azzyboo]

lol TinTin, be cheeky all you like , but tbh its just that when she said I should maybe try with a guy older than myself, I just wondered if this was the norm for this kind of relationship.

[Susanna77]

I find older guys (say up tp 50-ish) quite attractive but it really would depend on the individual's personality.

I'm thinking Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love"...her guy is the kind of older guy I'd go for.

Then I have one friend who married a man 11 years younger (he is 25); and I have another friend who is 43 and dating a 26 year old man. Not my thing. But each to their own.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by azzyboo

Oh he also seems happy too so is this the way to go for a female what do you think ??

I don't think there's one way to go. Obviously your friends have found something that works for them and their relationship, or they hopefully wouldn't have suffered it for 9 years. Good for them!
I am myself in a relationship with someone 6 years older than I. Honestly, I'm only reminded of it if we discussed trends from our childhood, or things like that. I tend to feel that for people who are adults legally and mentally (by which I mean that most 18 year olds probably won't have the maturity it takes to bond with a 50 year old), relationships can work great regardless of age differences.
The cliché is to say that age doesn't matter, only that partners need to be at the same level of maturity - but I don't even think that is true. What matters is getting your needs met by your partner, and those needs are different for everyone (your friend seems to need a much less fusional relationship than you, maybe that's why you found it odd?)

[pyrogen]

I've never been with an older man, but I've heard from women who have. It's not all about his money. In fact, the things I'm going to mention have little to nothing to do with money. They are not universally true of all older men, just they are the positives that other women have said about the older men they were with.

The positives that some women see in their older boyfriends/husbands:

* He is in a teacher/mentor role *in some cases* and the specific women liked this. Sometimes we want that at a particular time in life.

* He was already achieved and gave the woman something to model and aspire to, she could also look up to and respect him as someone who lived through everything she's going through.

* Even when he's not in either of those two roles (role model or mentor), he might be more "conscious" than a man their own age. My lasting male friends with whom I have deep conversations about "the meaning of life", all tend to be in their 50s. Most of the men in my own age group that I know, are too focused on "achieving" and are not ready to be introspective, and the ones that ARE introspective are not achieving. By a man's 50s he may have reached a good balance between introspection and achievement, he is able to be grounded in this world and be spiritual/emotionally in touch at the same time.

* He is more comfortable with himself, and has already proven himself to the world. He is not uptight about proving his masculinity.

* He might be a better lover. Not only is he more experienced, but he has sexually slowed down a little, he isn't as focused on his own orgasm and it also takes longer to reach orgasm. There is a lot more foreplay.

* He has already done his worldly achieving and can now relax and enjoy life. But it's not the way that a teenager or 20something chucks responsibility, he's already got a sense of responsibility. He's a grownup choosing to enjoy life. [The older men who aren't choosing to enjoy life, aren't the ones defying convention, getting out of unsatisfying marriages or out of their single rut, and getting with the younger women who appreciate them.]

* He's retired. I'd love to be with someone who's retired! Sounds awesome! Who wants to be with someone who's an exhausted, bitter working drudge who hates his job??

* He may be a better intellectual companion for the more "thinking" type of younger women.

* He may be a better fit on all levels of intimacy - intellectual, spiritual and physical - for the woman who is with him

What the older men see in younger women - it's not all tight bodies and youthful beauty:

* She looks up to him and respects him and respects his viewpoints. She is fascinated by what he has to say. His same-aged ex wife, on the other hand, is nagging him about why he left that box in the middle of the floor.

* She appreciates him, and wants to have fun. She's not obsessed with whether or not he did X, Y, or Z materially, she just relaxes and lets him handle that, and trusts that he handled it. He gets to drive.

* She is sexually at the same level he is. She wants more foreplay and is less sexually driven. Whereas if a middle aged man is with a middle aged woman, the middle aged woman has hit her peak as the man has already started his descent. The older woman might not have patience for slower and less frequent sex.

It's been scientifically proven that men "feminize" a little as they get older, their testosterone drops, whereas women's testosterone rises. Testosterone makes us testy, orgasm-driven, argumentative, shrill, selfish and angry. The man is outgrowing the stage his same-aged wife is entering.

Older men are sexually a good fit for young women, and younger men are sexually a good fit for older women. Their hormone levels are more like each other's than either's are with the opposite sex of their own age.

And after a woman's older boyfriend/husband dies, she can become a cougar and go with younger men, lol.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

* He's retired. I'd love to be with someone who's retired! Sounds awesome! Who wants to be with someone who's an exhausted, bitter working drudge who hates his job??

You make it sound so good, I think I'm going to go straight from dating students to dating retired men

[RT Wolf]

To thread starter: Please use more periods.

In terms of whether it's good general advice to go for older men? I have no idea. Different things work for different people. You could try it out for yourself and see what happens. Go out on a few dates or whatever with older men and see how it goes.

[ohTen]

My first was a man 20 years older than me (I was 19). We decided to give it a go because I would be moving in a few months: there was no potential for the relationship to continue beyond that point.

Pros
- He was experienced. To this day it's the best sex I've ever had
- He was respectful and kind
- He was very sensitive to my needs and hangups (I had - and still have - a lot)
- Communication was great
- No drama
- Learned far more than I would have learned from a 19 year-old

Cons
- Set my standards for sex very high
- More difficult to relate to guys my own age (a problem because i find them most attractive and am surrounded by them)
- Even though it didn't feel weird in the moment, I do feel weird about it sometimes.
- We were at very different periods in our lives, and though our relationship could probably have survived a few more months, it could not sustain itself beyond that.

I think age gaps are okay as long as the younger person comes out of the relationship in better shape than they entered it. The older person definitely has the responsibility to ensure that that happens. As with everything, it also varies from individual to individual. But if the motivation behind it is pure, I say to go for it. I definitely won't do it again, though...10 years is my limit now

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I have always been in relationships with significantly older women, and it works for me because I have a significantly older mindset. I think most women who date younger guys like the physical aspect and like the energy level but wish they could find someone who was mature, good in bed, respectful, considerate, and successful (all the good qualities of an older man). My relationships work because I am all of those things at once. Will it work for you? Who knows, why don't you try it?