Out of ideas

[LordSappington]

Everyone has seen those TV talent shows where someone talks all about how they dream of being a singer since they were little. Then they go in front of the judges and sings, and it's terrible. It's doesn't even qualify as singing. You wonder if this was staged, it was so bad. The judges tear them to pieces. You think to yourself, "Well, some people just can't sing. They should just give up."

Well, that's how I feel about my life now. I simply can't manage it anymore. I've run out of ideas. I've run out of emotional energy. I simply cannot manage to connect with any women at all. The past six years have been a string of scathing rejections, first starting with my best friend who suddenly and inexplicably cut off all forms of contact with me, and culminating in the thousand pinpricks of girl after girl ignoring me or standing me up.

I am the only person I know who has this problem. A good friend of mine had his wife leave him, spiraled into a terrible depression, ended up being institutionalized for a bit, developed severe social anxiety, and then went on one date and now has a girlfriend. My other friend went on dates with two girls, and was living with one of them within a week. I recently hosted a dinner party and realized I was the only single person there. Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm dateless. Our big graduate student formal dance is coming up, and I'm going to dateless again. I've lost count at how women I've gone through with either one date or no dates at all. 20? 30?

There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't know what it is, and I've run out of ideas. The people who can see it are those same people who refuse to speak to me anymore. Everyone else says I'm doing it just fine. I think I need a drastic change in course. Being respectful simply isn't working. I think it's time to become a manipulative jerk. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

[shy talk]

Lord S.....Interesting what you say about "being respectful not working, and becoming a manipulative jerk"

look at this site

Heartless Bitches International

some good stuff here, especially the - Nice Guys Bleeagh! section

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

There's something fundamentally wrong with me. .... I think it's time to become a manipulative jerk. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Okay, good luck with that.

Just one question: if there were nothing fundamentally wrong with you, where would you be in life? If you were living your ideal life, what would it look like, feel like, sound like? I'm not asking you for more of what you DON'T want, or what you WOULDN'T be or do... you've already outlined a lot of that here. I'm asking: if your life were just the way you'd like it to be, what would it be like?

[RT Wolf]

I can sympathize with your despair. However, I think there's still pletny more ideas out there to be had. For example, have you thought about filming yourself interacting with people and posting it here for feedback? How about talking to a therapist or counsellor? May help. Perhaps a dip into PUA will help you. At least, it can give you a framework to talk to women with, whether you choose to keep it or not.

Good luck!

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

I can sympathize with your despair. However, I think there's still pletny more ideas out there to be had. For example, have you thought about filming yourself interacting with people and posting it here for feedback?

I don't see how that is all feasible. People don't act naturally when they know they are being filmed.

How about talking to a therapist or counsellor? May help.

I tried that three times with three different people. One said she could help me but then referred me somewhere else because she got a different job. The new guy felt like all I wanted to do was complain and I felt like I wasn't making any progress. The last one said that everything I was doing was right, and I should just keep trying. I eventually quit because I failed to gain any insight into myself from it. They just made me feel more frustrated because when you know there's something wrong and a professional tells you you're OK, it's not reassuring at all. Unfortunately, there is only one more therapist covered on my insurance, and she specializes in gay and lesbian issues so I'm not sure how helpful she can be for me.

Perhaps a dip into PUA will help you. At least, it can give you a framework to talk to women with, whether you choose to keep it or not.

I don't like PUA. It focuses primarily on picking up attractive women with a ♥♥♥♥♥ screen up. I am rarely actually attracted to those types of women. Perhaps it's because they have the ♥♥♥♥♥ screen up, but more likely it's because they often have very little substance to them because they can get by on their looks. I went to high school with some very intelligent women who, in my opinion, sold out by pursuing career paths that didn't require them to think at all.

[Parthon]

First: You don't need to define yourself through a girlfriend. If you can't be you first and foremost, what the hell do you have to offer to another person?

Second: What are you doing that drives these girls away. Even butt ugly people get girls, but they are wellgroomed, respectable, butt ugly men. There is something you are doing, or not doing, that's driving them away.

[RT Wolf]

[QUOTE=LordSappington;303862]I don't see how that is all feasible. People don't act naturally when they know they are being filmed.[quote]

Do it anyway, whether you think it'd work or not. Let reality tell you whether it worked. And you'll have to excuse me for saying this: what you think is feasible isn't working, so best throw out your assumptions and really question them and see what comes up.

After the camera's been there a while, people start to relax, especially if it's just a small one. It's different for different people, some people take a long time and some people just forget about it quickly. You'd wanna do this with someone who's confident, as they tend to warm up quicker. I speak from experience, I'm a cameraman. Keep the camera trained on yourself. Even if you don't post the video, you'll find something useful in watching yourself and it'll give you a glimpse in how others see you and see if you notice what you might be doing. If you wait like a week or two, you may find something that you said sounded jsut weird, but it woulda sound normal in your head cause you were in your head.

I tried that three times with three different people. One said she could help me but then referred me somewhere else because she got a different job. The new guy felt like all I wanted to do was complain and I felt like I wasn't making any progress. The last one said that everything I was doing was right, and I should just keep trying. I eventually quit because I failed to gain any insight into myself from it. They just made me feel more frustrated because when you know there's something wrong and a professional tells you you're OK, it's not reassuring at all. Unfortunately, there is only one more therapist covered on my insurance, and she specializes in gay and lesbian issues so I'm not sure how helpful she can be for me.

I understand you're getting frustrated, but try the last therapist. She may help, or may not. Until you've exhausted all, and I mean every single one of your options, I don't see how you can say that you've failed. It's just the problem of induction: how many white swans do you need to see to say that all swans are white? How many things will you have to try before you decide you just can't do it? Is this really something you want to give up on until you've tried every single thing you can think of? You've probably got a good chunk of your life left.

I don't like PUA. It focuses primarily on picking up attractive women with a ♥♥♥♥♥ screen up. I am rarely actually attracted to those types of women. Perhaps it's because they have the ♥♥♥♥♥ screen up, but more likely it's because they often have very little substance to them because they can get by on their looks. I went to high school with some very intelligent women who, in my opinion, sold out by pursuing career paths that didn't require them to think at all.

Cool? How about you use those techniques and not go for women who have a ♥♥♥♥♥ screen up? you've said you're running out of ideas, perhaps it is time to try some things you don't think will work and really challenge your assumptions?

[TonyToneTone]

You ever heard that saying, it goes something like, "You're not having a breakdown, you're having a breakthrough". The same goes for you. Your old way of life hasn't worked and now it is time for something new.

I would recommend first (similar to what Angela wrote) getting some ideas of what your ideal life would look like. Spend some time every day seeing it and then take some action to make it a reality.

You can watch this great video "The Strangest Secret" by Earl Nightingale, the Dean of Motivation, and do his 30 Day Experiment at the end. It's really powerful and should help you get on purpose:
The Strangest Secret | Tony Tells All

[LordSappington]

I listened to that recording. Sorry to break it to you, but I think that the Law of Attraction is a load of garbage. There is no higher power that really cares about what happens to me. If I believe something, the rest of the world doesn't care. They'll go about how they want to live their life regardless of me.

I think my current goals are just unreasonable. People without singing abilities simply can't learn to sing on their own. They need a serious, rigorous external force to tell them, "Don't do this. Do this. This is all wrong." Absent that in my life, I really don't think these goals are at all achievable.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

I listened to that recording. Sorry to break it to you, but I think that the Law of Attraction is a load of garbage. There is no higher power that really cares about what happens to me. If I believe something, the rest of the world doesn't care. They'll go about how they want to live their life regardless of me.

I think my current goals are just unreasonable. People without singing abilities simply can't learn to sing on their own. They need a serious, rigorous external force to tell them, "Don't do this. Do this. This is all wrong." Absent that in my life, I really don't think these goals are at all achievable.

You're not breaking anything to me. You're free to believe whatever you like.

If you think your current goals are unreasonable, what would be reasonable to you? Also, if you think a coach would help you succeed better, why don't you get one? Maybe you just need a hand.

PS - You don't have to do everything in a day. Set small reasonable goals and work your way up.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

I listened to that recording. Sorry to break it to you, but I think that the Law of Attraction is a load of garbage. There is no higher power that really cares about what happens to me. If I believe something, the rest of the world doesn't care. They'll go about how they want to live their life regardless of me.

I think my current goals are just unreasonable. People without singing abilities simply can't learn to sing on their own. They need a serious, rigorous external force to tell them, "Don't do this. Do this. This is all wrong." Absent that in my life, I really don't think these goals are at all achievable.

First: I agree, there is no higher power, and there's no magical unseen force. Thsi comes down to you and what you think about. If you buy a yellow car, then all of a sudden you see more yellow cars around. Have you noticed that you tend to see people your own age mostly, more than anyone else? The truth is, your train your mind to only see what you tell it to see. If you want to find an answer to your predicament, then you need to put your mind in a receptive state so it can see it.

That's where the "Law of Attraction" comes from. It's about recognising your thoughts, and directing them in the way you want so when you act, it's in the direction you want. Your actions come from your thoughts, which in turn comes from your focus. If you believe that all of your actions are purposefully guided by your magnificent self, then you are sadly, sadly mistaken. 99% of what you do is unconscious, so you have to train your unconscious to do the things you want it to when you aren't paying attention. The way you do that is to focus on what you want, and exclude what you don't want. That way your automatic efforts will be in the direction you want rather than against it.

What do you *really* want? Help? A girlfriend? Better self esteem? A gun to shoot yourself? Pfft. I don't care anymore. Whiner. The truth of the matter is: The only person that has to live with your personal results is you. You are the one that has to deal with what you do. So, are you going to be a mouse and hide in a hole and hope it will all work out? Or are you going to be a man, step up to the plate, and really take the game full on. This game of life isn't for whiners, it's only for people who want to play and succeed. Come and play, I dare you to!

ps. The Courage to Live Consciously by Steve Pavlina

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

Well, that's how I feel about my life now. I simply can't manage it anymore. I've run out of ideas. I've run out of emotional energy. I simply cannot manage to connect with any women at all. The past six years have been a string of scathing rejections, first starting with my best friend who suddenly and inexplicably cut off all forms of contact with me, and culminating in the thousand pinpricks of girl after girl ignoring me or standing me up.

Don't mistake relationships with women for all your life. Ask yourself, how much validation do you seek from women? How much does the quality of your relationships determine the overall quality of your life? How much of my thinking and actions is directed on the relationships? Be honest with yourself!

I don't really know but it seems to me that you're focusing on this area of your life too much. Perhaps you've just burnt yourself out and need to live introverted for a couple of weeks.

Your life isn't your relationships. If it is, get a life. Get yourself a hobby - something you're passionate about and can do on your own. You're depending too much on the relationships to make yuo happy, it's time to focus on YOURSELF


Cheers
Ralph

[The Cloud]

I fail to see why girls are so important that you have to become a manipulative jerk to get them. I used to feel kind of like you, but I've come to realize how ridiculously over-hyped girls and relationships are. I'm not saying that getting a girlfriend should be unimportant, but it shouldn't be blown way out of perspective.

[LordSappington]

I'm feeling a bit better now. I got suddenly and overwhelmingly depressed earlier today to the point of being completely nonfunctional for about 2 hours. I feel like it's passed for now. I still feel frustrated and sad. But the anger has mostly dissipated. I wish I could control it, but by the time it got that bad, there was nothing I could do other than let it happen. I still feel somewhat hopeless and sad.

Right around Valentine's Day, it always sucks for me. There is not only the pain of being alone and seeing all my friends happy, there is also the pain of losing my best friend, who stopped talking to me last year at this time. I don't think I've ever come to terms with that, and I don't know if I ever will. For all intents and purposes, it feels like she died and her last words were, "Get out of my life." I think a lot of my frustration has been in trying to recreate what I had with her and failing miserably. My relationship with her was my first true friendship, and I miss it tremendously. I still don't understand how it failed.

Ever since I graduate college, I have been essentially unable to have any sort of deep emotional connection with anyone. I rarely have conversations of substance with anyone. I've reflected upon why this is so. I've opened up to quite a few people: one of them became my friend but is fairly unavailable at the moment due to career pursuits and is likely to be unavailable for the foreseeable future (i.e. currently in a different country); one of them I no longer talk to because she repetitively stood me unapologetically and I eventually cut her out of my life due to lack of trust (see my frustration with flakiness); everyone else has not been willing to reciprocate. I'm currently cultivating a friendship with someone new, and it looks promising, but she's moving away soon too.

I thought it was me for a very long time. I've come to the conclusion that it's not. It's them. People either are not introspective, or they restrict their emotional intimacy to their significant others (almost all of my friends have them). I've discussed this with another close friend from college. She concurs. This lack of emotional closeness has built up to the point that I couldn't handle it anymore. I don't feel secure in my own life. I know I'm supposed to find contentedness within, but I desperately need someone to share it with. I don't think it's clinginess; I think it's just a desire for meaningful companionship. I'm stuck in Erikson's intimacy vs isolation stage, trending towards the latter.

There simply isn't anyone real in my life to vent to or make fun of all my frustrations or point out that I take things too seriously. It's just me and my head, which is inordinately dangerous. Loneliness is a ♥♥♥♥♥, and filling my life with meaningful things simply can't cure that. My friends are always shocked at how many people I know and how much I do, but in all honestly, I find them all reasonably unfulfilling. I don't think that's ever going to change.

[Angela]

It's not them. It's you.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

It's not them. It's you.

It's not them or you. It's a lie.

[Eric Roosevelt]

I say ignore what the girls think about you. Only when you stop caring so much about it will things start working for you. The things that we really want often come when we least expect it. Concentrate on building up something for yourself first, something that people feel attracted to. If you've run out of ideas, then maybe you should focus on something else for a while.

[Parthon]

I dont' know what to say.

First what I want to say is: You didn't really read anything anyone posted did you?

Second would probably be something like: Wow, thats quite a pity party, hows that going for you? Bored of it yet?

Thirdly I would like to say: I'm 29, never had a girlfriend, noone anywhere in my life that I could even consider, and yet I'm as happy as a clam. Perhaps it's not your situation, but your outlook.

But what I really want to say is: This guy is boring! It's time for cake! Who's with me?

[Scorpio]

I'd guess you have some sort of personality flaw that's holding you back, and that you have a blind spot to.

It's something that won't show up through a forum post. I bet if everyone could see you interacting with someone in person it would jump out at all of us right away.

Do you know anyone who will be brutally honest? Ask them what's wrong with you.

Then don't get defensive or hurt about the feedback. Take what they say, and dispassionately fix any issues they bring to your attention.

From what I've read though, you do seem pretty negative, bitter, a downer, and like you have this defense mechanism set up of, "Everyone sucks, I'm special" You also seem like you don't quite get what intimate relationships entail...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It's not them or you. It's a lie.

I'm not sure I was clear about what I was saying, because it's not a lie:

It's not Them who have dominion over whether you can connect closely with people or not; it's not Them who make Valentine's Day suck for you, it's not Them who make your life insecure or disconnected or lonely or discontent or unfulfilled. Your state -- your way of being -- has absolutely nothing to do with what Them does or says or thinks.

As you say, LordSappington, it's just you and your head, and although you may see it as inordinately dangerous, another way of looking at it is that it's inordinately POWERFUL. You have all the power in the world to change what's going on with you and your head, regardless of the thoughts, actions, or words of anyone else.

It's not THEM who has any power over whether or not you love your life, it's YOU who holds ALL the power.

[frajilthunder]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

My friends are always shocked at how many people I know and how much I do, but in all honestly, I find them all reasonably unfulfilling. I don't think that's ever going to change.

My guess, and it's just that, is that people pick up on the fact you find them unfulfilling. If that isn't going to change, then I'm afraid neither is your outlook on finding a LLTMBR, or any real R, for that matter. The good news is that you have the ability to change the way you view people, if you have the desire. I believe that all people decide on some level how happy they want to be, and then act accordingly. How happy do you want to be?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

It's not THEM who has any power over whether or not you love your life, it's YOU who holds ALL the power.

But who is YOU, and how is it any different from THEM? They are both mental constructs; neither of them is real. And neither of them can ever be satisfied.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

They are both mental constructs; neither of them is real. And neither of them can ever be satisfied.

Speak for yourself, buddy. Me can, indeed, be satisfied.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

Speak for yourself, buddy. Me can, indeed, be satisfied.

You're right.