Friends and partners?

[IceWolf]

What is the difference?

When I was younger I was mainly aware of what was in books or on TV, and there seemed a distinct difference, with one set of societal rules for "friends" and a very different set for "partners / boyfriend / girlfriend / serious relationship".

More recently it came to my attention that there is such a thing as "friends with benefits" on the one side, and polyamory on the other, along with many more variations.

I see posts on this forum that take account of these things, and still seem to assume some specific dividing line. Now I am really puzzled about what it is

(This post drew my attention to the question; I've been noticing it more since then.)

[Angela]

The difference is the level of agreement you enter into, whether stated or unstated.

There is no formal and unmoving dividing line between one and another, except what you declare. Trouble kicks up when you assume that the person(s)' level of agreement matches you own -- especially if you leave things uncommunicated. And real trouble kicks up when you believe that because you are a level of agreement, the other person *should* be, too -- that they owe it to you.

[cheech]

Originally Posted by Angela

Trouble kicks up when you assume that the person(s)' level of agreement matches you own -- especially if you leave things uncommunicated. And real trouble kicks up when you believe that because you are a level of agreement, the other person *should* be, too -- that they owe it to you.

I'm in the middle of a somewhat messy (strictly platonic, but very close) relationship because of precisely this. I've failed to communicate my expectations of her in this relationship, then turned around and made her feel guilty for not meeting them. Reading that made me realise just how badly I've messed this up. I think I owe someone an apology

[IceWolf]

Thanks Angela, that makes sense.

Thinking back over the posts I read on the forum mentioning friend-or-partner issues, it does seem to be about wanting the agreement to be something else, or two people having different beliefs of what the agreement is. And so I can understand the idea of the post without needing to know the details.

For my own life, I'm glad to drop the rest of the faulty logic that made this question seem such a problem