Hard to let go after 3 years

[Raschel]

So, I've been with the same guy since High school. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We had gotten together on a whim, he had been a good friend and I had gone through a lot of issues in relationships and when people wouldn't let me have some time and space before pushing me towards more relationships he set aside his life to help me by pretending to be my boyfriend for the sake of my sanity. About a month later we decided to make it official and he was very new to the dating scene, I was his first girlfriend. (Home schooled till high school) He just happened to be the one I choose, I turned around after being very angry and said "The next guy to walk out of that door will be my boyfriend for a while." I know, not really a very nice thing to do on my part, but I was young.

It all started out very nicely, but after 6 months I found him to have a very bad temper, which he has toned down now, and also that he was bad with quite a few things, VERY foreshadowing things. For one, his mother was in the hospital for a sergery and all she wanted was for her 6 kids to come and visit her for a while in the hospital. I took him because he wasn't driving still and I had a car and license. He literally walked in the door, said: "Hi mom. Bye mom." and went to walk right back out without even walking up to the bed, giving her a hug or anything. I was upset and I pressed for him to stay with her for a while but he protested. On the ride home we argued and I told him that it told me how he would act when I was in there and he said he would never. 6 months later I was in the hospital with Kidney stones for 5 days and had to have 2 sergeries and the whole time through, he came for less than 10 minutes said hi, took a picture and left. I actually wonder if the only reason he came was because it was my birthday. My school friends came in before him, and left after him. Plus they visited more than once, whereas he only came for that short span. Add to that that when I went home for a day, with meds that didn't kill the pain, he wanted me to go to his house and yelled at me (while I was in pain and writhing on my couch) for even implicating that he come to my house.

A year and a half into the relationship I was leaving for college and he had another year of HS. I went 8 hours away and neither of us are much of phone people, but we managed. Or at least until I lost my phone and my internet was down for a week. As soon as my internet was back up, I got online and checked my emails. I had 15 from him alone. I looked them over and as they progressed, he started saying very vulgar things and in the end said I was changing so much that he felt he didn't know me at all and that I was following the crowd now so much so that I was going to wind up on a porno being slapped around by a 40 yr old man.

I was devistated, and in my rash thinking and hurt feelings I went to a guy I knew liked me, and I trusted him, and kissed him. Of course he was a VERY good friend to me and instead of letting me take it farther because of my feelings, he stopped me instantly and asked what was wrong. He knows me very well. He went through and talked me out of all my rash decisions and even helped me patch things back with my boyfriend. After a semester away I came back home and wound up staying out of school for another year so I could stay home with him.

In March this past year I got very sick, woman issues, and my hormones were a roller coaster that took me into a deep depression, and would lash out at him at times. He handled that very well, as he said he kept telling himself that it wasn't me talking it was the pills (cause of hormone imbalance) and that I may have a small feeling like that, but not as extreme. That has since been fixed and now I'm down to the average girl who's pissed once a month.

The problems were already there, but it seems that living with each other brought them out even more. Our BIGGEST problem in the relationship is that when we argued, and yes this is also partly my fault I know, one of us or both of us would get tired with the argument and instead of following though and trying to finish it we would turn on a TV show or get on a computer or game and leave it out to dry on its own. The worst part of it is that when I would try and bring it back up, it was like I was the devil himself and he would get so angry and yelling I couldn't take it. Also, I am a christian and he believes in Christ, but refuses to go to church. He himself is a Hypocrite but he hates the church because they are filled with Hypocrites. He hates the "judgmental eyes" that he gets when he walks in. I accepted that for now we wouldn't go to church together because of that, and the issue I have is that because of that separation, he would get upset because I was later than the service itself, (if he ever goes to church, he leaves instantly and doesn't talk, I'm a talker) and it begins a yelling match. Also if I have a issue with a church member, or one of the youth acting out to me, I can't tell him because he'll throw it in my face and get very angry later. So that's honestly where it started, I stopped talking to him about issues I had with church people, and since I don't hang out with many people due to his unsocial life, the only people besides one couple I hang out with is church people. Therefore I lost my friendship with him.

Add to that that when we weren't fighting, we weren't talking either, and each time I tried after coming home from work at 5, he would be on a video game, (which I don't mind at all, but when he gets a new game and his goal is to beat it in 7 days so he can switch it out for another for free, its always a new game and he doesn't want to be desturbed) and when I would talk to him, he may not have yelled that exact moment, but he was very angry towards me for invading on his game time. I tried several times to try to do something with him to no avail. So I would give up and get on my computer and work towards my book. When we talked on this issue, he said it was my fault for not setting up something else for us to do and that had I set it up on my own then he would have stopped the game and done that with me. That if I had tried to ask him to pause his game and/or talked to him period about doing something, that he would have. Yes, I did try, I may not have set up the TV show or anything, but I did talk, but when I speak about that, its like talking to a brick wall. I kinda think he is playing a mind game on himself that I never talk to him and he never yells at me when he is playing his games, in order to feel better about himself. He plays mind games with himself about living with me. My grandmother lives in the same house I do, and she knows he's been living there. Matt however, believes she has no clue, and any time I tell him otherwise, he gets angry and yells. Saying "How could you tell her?!" and such, and each time it happens its almost as if he doesn't know we've talked about it before.

All in all, I was feeling miserable about my life, for one, here I was a youth leader, and yet I was living with my boyfriend and having a sexual relationship with him. Secondly, I couldn't talk to my best friend because he had made me shut off more than half of my life with him. And lastly, I had been unable to do anything really in my own house without some fight starting about how it was done. So I ended the relationship this past Tuesday. I know it was for the better for myself, and that I have to look out for myself first, but I can't help but feel like I'm dying without him. Is that because I've been with him so long? Because I've lived with him now? Or is this how I'm going to feel no matter what because I love him? *sigh* All I know is I'm in pain wherever I go and whatever I do. I lost both of my (girl) best friends because of lies about me and him being engaged and they wouldn't believe anything I said. So the only one I have to turn to besides those at my church, was my friend from Commerce. Which doesn't make Matt feel any better, he is very jealous of him all the time. And he has been helping me cope, but I don't know what to do right now. Matt wants to talk, but I know if I see him and try to talk things out right now, I'll crumble and fall apart and won't be able to keep my standing in the breakup and then he'll never hear what he needs to have as a wake-up call. He has obviously gotten mad because he has already texted me about splitting our items that we have bought over the years between ourselves. I know that if this is how he is acting only 2 days after, then he doesn't want to work it out for real anyway. Plus, he was doing the natural guy thing when I began telling him it was over. "So you're just going to give up?" * <- with attitude -> * "You're just going to take the easy road and leave?" *after gathering a few items to leave for his parents house* "You're really saying goodbye?" Then he started to come in every 10 minutes to ask me to change my mind and don't make him leave.

I feel like he never listened to me when I said I felt uncomfortable with him living with me without being married and yes I know, I didn't help, I'm a girl, I'm fickle, but when I break down crying every month saying I don't feel right about this, I would think that would be more effective than, me saying I don't like to be alone at night. I know that is a hard subject because I know that one is my fault just as much as it is his. Yet it still bugs me.

[Raschel]

I had someone I only slightly know look at the situation and their perspective was that they were surprised I had even stayed with him this long. I had no response at the time, I hadn't really put much thought to it and I was still upset, but in reality I knew all along. We have a lot in common, and we used to understand each other. When we started out, he was understanding and kind and caring. He has a great heart and aspires to be great and has the potential to do so, but he downgrades himself at times and I found I could help him with that. I love him, and I guess love just makes us blinder than anything in the world, because even with all the issues we have, I still don't want to let go I want to hang on forever.

I've gone on long enough, and for my first post on this site, wow. I'm sorry guys. I was looking on google for advice on how to deal and I ran across another post about a relationship on here and I liked the responses.