Boyfriend versus Cat.

[yintherapy]

What's your take on this, because it's really upsetting me and I could use a second opinion...

My boyfriend and one of my cats don't get along. He's been urging me to give her away, and today he started insisting that we give her away this weekend. He's adamant about giving her away because he can't stand her; he doesn't even like being in the same room as her. He's been trying for the past few months to get on her good side and now he's really fed up, and it bothers him a whole lot that she hates him, even though it's probably because he reminds her of someone else who abused her or something. Plus he says he made a resolution to push fear-based influences out of his life, and that being around her brings him down.

I'm torn because on one hand, I know that she's not happy around him; she cowers and hides the whole time he's here, and I don't want her to be unhappy. But on the other hand, he's being so damn immature and obsessive and impatient about it. I want to keep her until he and I move in together (in June, when my lease expires) - why do give her up now? He spends half the week at my place now, and she hides in another room the whole time, and if she's in the same room, he moves her out of sight. How can someone let a little cat get to him so badly? It's just a cat! And how will this intolerance crop up in other situations in the future?

I made phone calls today, and the local shelter said they'd take her in, and if she didn't pass her evaluation, they'd give her back to me instead of euthanizing her (which is a big concern for me). The person I talked to at the shelter said that she just needs time, she'll come around eventually. I made an appointment to give her up but when I passed by her I started crying because I'd miss her, and she's such a sweet cat - when he's not around.

What really pissed me off today is that my boyfriend hinted at not seeing me until I give up the cat, and that's not cool. I'm not sure if he was joking, so I told him not to make threats like that unless he meant them. He responded saying that he's not threatening me, he loves me, it's just that the cat really bothers him.

How should I handle this?

P.S. - For you cat lovers out there - I know that shelters are crowded. If I give her up, I'm going to adopt another adult cat to make room in the shelter for her.

[seeker5]

Get rid of your boyfriend. Any boyfriend that doesn't accept your pets should be gotten rid of. Seriously.

Edit: To elaborate on what I mean, it's that he "tried to get the cat on his good side.". You don't try to get a cat on your good side. You respect the cat, and the cat will be ok with you. If he's not willing to respect your cat enough, then that bodes bad for how he'll deal with you later on.

[Niamh]

BF vs Cat?

It's not like he's allergic......
Cat wins. Hmph!

[yintherapy]

More info:

When he tries to pet her or hold her, she tolerates it when I'm in the room, and when I leave the room she hisses, scratches, or bites him, sometimes even if he's just sitting next to her watching TV.

She gets along with everyone else, including kids and other cats. It's just him that rubs her the wrong way, so it's possible that she could easily find another home where she can be happy, and not be reminded of whatever is making her hate him.

He loves cats. He has two. My other cat loves him. This is the first cat that's ever disliked him. He tried catnip, feeding her exclusively, talking like me, petting her the way I do, and even meditated on it.

[SunnKali]

Good luck with this. I'd keep the cat and get rid of the boyfriend too.

[yintherapy]

It would really help me to discuss this more, like to get some feedback and insights as to why I should do this or that.

For example - If I was dating a guy whose dog hated me in particular, and growled whenever I came in the room, that would bother me tremendously. I don't think I would want to live like that, and I wouldn't feel wrong in asking someone to consider finding a better situation for the dog, one where the dog doesn't feel threatened by me every day.

So is it his request that's wrong, or the way he's going about it?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

today he started insisting that we give her away this weekend....Plus he says he made a resolution to push fear-based influences out of his life, and that being around her brings him down.

Excuse me?!? HE started insisting that WE give her away? So what I've learned about this fellow is that his solution to a difficult problem in your relationship is to make you get rid of it, even if you love it. The cat is not a "fear-based influence;" the cat is a living thing that the man lacks the resources to be able to deal with effectively.

If you give in to this demand that you sacrifice something you love so the he is saved from the inconvenience of learning how to deal with it, you are 100% responsible for setting up this pattern in your future life together -- because that's what it will be. If there's an issue in the relationship, YOU will be the one who will be required to solve the problem, and you must sacrifice your own desires and needs to his. And do you know why? Because by giving this cat away, you are creating an unwritten contract agreeing to it.

YOU, my dear, are the cat. Do not give yourself away, I implore you.

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by Angela

If you give in to this demand that you sacrifice something you love so the he is saved from the inconvenience of learning how to deal with it, you are 100% responsible for setting up this pattern in your future life together -- because that's what it will be. If there's an issue in the relationship, YOU will be the one who will be required to solve the problem, and you must sacrifice your own desires and needs to his. And do you know why? Because by giving this cat away, you are creating an unwritten contract agreeing to it.

YOU, my dear, are the cat. Do not give yourself away, I implore you.

You're right. Thanks so much.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

He loves cats. He has two. My other cat loves him. This is the first cat that's ever disliked him. He tried catnip, feeding her exclusively, talking like me, petting her the way I do, and even meditated on it.

So he loves cats when the cat loves him?

And when the cat doesn't love him, he hates them?

Why must he be able to pick up the cat? A cat is not like a dog that can attack you just like that without provacation. I'm not understanding why he is bothered by a cat not loving him.

So, does this mean that if one day he feels you don't love him, he'll turn to hating you as well too?

[Yellow]

I think your boyfriend is being immature about this. It seems like he has tried but asking you to give something up you love is not right. For me, if a bf asked me to give any person I love up, like friends or family (I don't have pets), that WILL be a deal-breaker. There are a billion different solutions possible. All it requires is some determination and creative thinking.

I know I am not helping with a solution. Maybe you could get some help from a pet-trainer? Try to understand why she acts this way and how he can seem less threatening to her.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Angela

YOU, my dear, are the cat. Do not give yourself away, I implore you.

And to add, your furry reflection also doesn't like him very much and she's being very apparent about it so that you'll see that. Part of you doesn't like him very much.

Get rid of the boyfriend.

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by seeker5

So he loves cats when the cat loves him?

And when the cat doesn't love him, he hates them?

Why must he be able to pick up the cat? A cat is not like a dog that can attack you just like that without provacation. I'm not understanding why he is bothered by a cat not loving him.

So, does this mean that if one day he feels you don't love him, he'll turn to hating you as well too?

Well, if I stopped acting loving towards him, he'd want me out of his life, and vice versa. But that's besides the point. He *does* seem to be taking this personally, almost like the fact that she fears him is an insult.

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by Dharma

And to add, your furry reflection also doesn't like him very much and she's being very apparent about it so that you'll see that. Part of you doesn't like him very much.

Get rid of the boyfriend.

Well, interesting. It's not so much that she dislikes him; she's scared of him because she's worried he'll hurt her somehow. Maybe I'm scared of that, too. Hell, I definitely am. But if that's the case, maybe it's not that I need to get rid of him; maybe he needs to learn to be more tolerant and understanding of fear (at least when it comes from a CAT!).

[seeker5]

Why are you not open to the possibility of ending the relationship? Are you very much attached to him?

[Alexjstrandberg]

Hey YT,

He's over reacting greatly to the situation. Cats, even when they are friendly, aren't around much anyways. Most of the time they blend into the background and you don't notice them until they start puring by your head.

A growling dog is a different situation because the dog will make it very obvious that it doesn't like you-it won't leave you alone. Cats for the most part wont go out of their way to attack you when you are leaving it alone.

If the cat doesn't like him it's not really a deal breaking situation but he is making it into one. The cat won't let him pet her/him, so what? It's not a big deal but he is really upsetby the situation. It's a problem that he needs to work out.

If it was me and my girlfriend had a cat that didn't like me I wouldn't think much of it at all. I would let the cat do what it does and ignore it. If it started to become a problem for me (attacking ) I would pick it up by the scruff of it's neck a few times till it learned who the dominant one was

My sister had a cat with her boyfriend got really upset when I picked it up or tried to pet it-the cat was like that with most new people. I left the cat alone and the problem was solved.

Next time he comes over and it starts hissing tell him to pick it up by the scruff of it's neck. Odds are that he will get scratched a few times but it's just a cat so it won't really hurt him.

I'd also suggest talking to him about wanting the cat to like him. That's slightly a neediness issue that needs to be taken care of. If you would like tell him to send me an email and I'll fix it.

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Why are you not open to the possibility of ending the relationship? Are you very much attached to him?

I love him, and our relationship. But I'm open to the possibility of ending it. If I don't find a good home for my cat and he says he won't see me anymore until I do, then that's his choice. I'll let him go.

[seeker5]

So you've decided to give up the cat (if you find a good home) simply because he wants you to give up the cat since the cat doesn't love him?

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by seeker5

So you've decided to give up the cat (if you find a good home) simply because he wants you to give up the cat since the cat doesn't love him?

I'd be willing to give up the cat if I find a good home for her because SHE is distressed by HIS presence. I feel bad for her when he's around because she's miserable and terrified, and just not her sweet, happy self.

I don't want to put her in a shelter, though, because I think she's happier in my house (even when he's around) than she would be in a cage.

The dilemma isn't so much about giving her away; when I moved cross country to live with my ex, I gave up a rabbit and a turtle that I loved because my ex's apartment didn't allow pets, and my pets would've been traumatized by the move, and I found them good homes - as good or better than what I could provide. The question is, where do I draw the line? At what point is he asking too much? And I think that asking me to give her to a shelter is asking too much.

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Hey YT,

He's over reacting greatly to the situation. Cats, even when they are friendly, aren't around much anyways. Most of the time they blend into the background and you don't notice them until they start puring by your head.

A growling dog is a different situation because the dog will make it very obvious that it doesn't like you-it won't leave you alone. Cats for the most part wont go out of their way to attack you when you are leaving it alone.

If the cat doesn't like him it's not really a deal breaking situation but he is making it into one. The cat won't let him pet her/him, so what? It's not a big deal but he is really upsetby the situation. It's a problem that he needs to work out.

If it was me and my girlfriend had a cat that didn't like me I wouldn't think much of it at all. I would let the cat do what it does and ignore it. If it started to become a problem for me (attacking ) I would pick it up by the scruff of it's neck a few times till it learned who the dominant one was

My sister had a cat with her boyfriend got really upset when I picked it up or tried to pet it-the cat was like that with most new people. I left the cat alone and the problem was solved.

Next time he comes over and it starts hissing tell him to pick it up by the scruff of it's neck. Odds are that he will get scratched a few times but it's just a cat so it won't really hurt him.

I'd also suggest talking to him about wanting the cat to like him. That's slightly a neediness issue that needs to be taken care of. If you would like tell him to send me an email and I'll fix it.

Hey Alex,

He's picked her up by the scruff, and that's probably one of the things that triggered her bad memories or what have you, maybe a previous abusive owner did that. And she did scratch and bite and freak out on him a few times. Otherwise all she does is sit there and glare at him, or hide.

I agree that he's overreacting, especially since I'm open to giving her away (see my previous post) and he took it to a whole 'nother level when he said he wants her gone NOW. It makes me want to "retract" my willingness to give her away at all, but then it starts to seem like a two-way power struggle.

I'll talk to him about it, and suggest that he e-mail you. Maybe you can write some sense into him! Thanks.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

Plus he says he made a resolution to push fear-based influences out of his life, and that being around her brings him down.

As a note, he's misapplying this imperative quite grossly. Fear-based influences are not external. They're triggered by external stimuli, but they are not themselves external. Removing the cat is no different than living on a mountaintop to seek enlightenment.

Doesn't really have anything to do with your situation, though.

[cacheborn]

The cat wins I am afraid. I am cat lover and I have had cats since my childhood. Cats are so unlike dogs. they are supremely independent, you just cannot control what a cat can do. I think your BF is being immature. If he cannot handle a cat, can you expect him to handle serious issues which may arise later in the relationship?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

I'd be willing to give up the cat if I find a good home for her because SHE is distressed by HIS presence. I feel bad for her when he's around because she's miserable and terrified, and just not her sweet, happy self.

If the cat I live with was miserable and terrified and just not her sweet, happy self when a guy is around, I'd show the guy the door. I believe it is my responsibility to make sure she's fine, and this includes removing stressful influences from her environment as much as possible. Throwing her out instead would seem very backwards to me. But that's just me of course, I would choose the cat over any guy.

[Amandaaa]

Okay... I can understand how awkward that must be for both your boyfriend and your cat... but I would never, ever consider giving one of my animals to a shelter just because my boyfriend didn't "get along" with it.


I would bring in an animal trainer, or send my boyfriend to therapy, or hang out exclusively at his house... but I would never just get rid of one of my animals. They're like children to me, and you can't just "give away" your children whenever there's a problem.

And I think that asking me to give her to a shelter is asking too much.

^I agree.

And it would be different if he was allergic to cats, or if he was genuinely terrified of cats in general... but it sounds like he's just being really weird with her, and the way that he's handling it is annoying. He needs to have more patience, and more compassion... and it freaks me out that he's so threatened by a cat's personality. He needs to learn how to resolve stuff like this-- you can't just *banish* every person that you don't get along with. Tell him to work it out, or get over it.

It's not so much that she dislikes him; she's scared of him because she's worried he'll hurt her somehow.

^Exactly. Try to explain that to him.

Tell him that the cat gives him weird vibes because she can sense that he doesn't like her. If he tries to be more understanding (and less threatening), then she might act differently...

[selkis]

Originally Posted by yintherapy

I'd be willing to give up the cat if I find a good home for her because SHE is distressed by HIS presence. I feel bad for her when he's around because she's miserable and terrified, and just not her sweet, happy self.

I don't want to put her in a shelter, though, because I think she's happier in my house (even when he's around) than she would be in a cage.

OK, I'm gonna be quite blunt here: I think that what you want to do (that is, giving up the cat) is simply cruel. You are willing to sacrifice the life of a loving being in the name of your BF's wounded pride (the cat doesn't love him etc.). Even giving her to someone else will be the source of major trauma for the animal. Get rid of the self-absorbed man, I say.
PS. Sorry for the harsh words, it's just sometimes I don't understand how easily people decide to sacrifice their animal companions in the name of human arrogance and conceit.

[Niamh]

The cat is probably seeing/sensing the insecurities in the boyfriend. If the cat's ok when you're in the room & scratches him when you're not, it might be because of a change in your boyfriend's mood/vibration, not your cat's. He's probably getting even more insecure when he's alone with the cat: "Omg, stay calm...Stay calm. I won't hurt you, Omg Omg," etc. And the cat goes, "GGGRRNNNNAAAUUU!" or "HiiiiSSS," because these lower vibrations/thoughts are telling it that something's up.

[magi13]

Your boy wishes to control you. The question is do you wish to be controlled? Is the relationship a long term? Does the cat bring you more happiness than your boy?

If you value your relationship, get rid of your cat, if you value your cat get rid of your boy. If you two can't compromise this problem will just start fights between the two of you.

Choose wisely and have no regrets.

Now my personal bias.
"If I am in a relationship, I wish the one who loves me accepts me as I am without having to act in front of him or her. To love each other freely without reservation."

I vote get rid of the cat.

Problem

"Now it's up to you to decide which of the three ways you'd choose"

1. Leave cat
2. Leave boy
3. Compromise

Just a brain teaser

"do nothing is also a choice."

[RT Wolf]

You said the bf's got two cats? Maybe your cat doesn't like the scent of the other cats? I've never had pets, so I don't know how to bond with animals like that, so this whole "Dump the human being for a feline mammal" has been weird to read.

That said, I understand the undercurrent of a power situation here. He's trying to use power and force to get his situation to conform as he likes it and you happen to be the recepient of it. I'd say he's going about it the wrong way rather than making an unreasonable request.

I agree with the folk who suggested that the bf either figure out why it bothers him so much. If he thinks cats are people, as he would if he's got cats, then he may indeed see this as a rejection find out why it bothers him. You've just said, "reminds him of past or something"--that's not an answer. Neither is it to guess at what the cat's thinking, either know or don't, don't guess, you're not gonna solve this by guessing.

And finally. Get rid of the cat.

[yintherapy]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

You said the bf's got two cats? Maybe your cat doesn't like the scent of the other cats? I've never had pets, so I don't know how to bond with animals like that, so this whole "Dump the human being for a feline mammal" has been weird to read.

That said, I understand the undercurrent of a power situation here. He's trying to use power and force to get his situation to conform as he likes it and you happen to be the recepient of it. I'd say he's going about it the wrong way rather than making an unreasonable request.

I agree with the folk who suggested that the bf either figure out why it bothers him so much. If he thinks cats are people, as he would if he's got cats, then he may indeed see this as a rejection find out why it bothers him. You've just said, "reminds him of past or something"--that's not an answer. Neither is it to guess at what the cat's thinking, either know or don't, don't guess, you're not gonna solve this by guessing.

And finally. Get rid of the cat.

At this point, I feel that even if I give the cat away under terms that I feel comfortable with (and for the reasons I feel comfortable with, mainly her comfort), he'll be under the impression that he "won", and he'll go about it the same way the next time he encounters something he doesn't like.

I'm also questioning the character of someone who can get so bent out of shape over a CAT. Whatever is bothering him about my cat, he needs to come to terms with it. I'm still open to giving away the cat, but not to giving away my power.

[magi13]

^^, pride. haha, do what you wish and have no regrets.

[RT Wolf]

Well, if you do want to play the power game: tell him to give up something he cares about and you'll give up the cat. Then tell him that if he's not willing to make that sacrifice, then he doesn't really want to get rid of the cat because he's not willing to make that sacrifice. This way you can add some pressure on him to come to terms with it. If you do go down this route, well, good luck in your relationship.